Fuck! Nevermind

God spoke to me through the pipes in my walls. The water flowing through the rusted metal began to form words, and the voice came out slow and quiet, as if God had woken up from a decade long nap.
I asked him of philosophy; why create near-infinite concepts that exist only to conflict with each other?
And what of hedonism? Hedonism, God declared; is the one true doctrine, above all others, above the contradictions of human thought. I questioned his assertion. Such a prospect could not make sense for a God that causes endless devastation. He laughed, and it boomed across the universe as a tree falling in a forest. If I am the forest, and God is the tree, who would possibly believe me? My child, he said; is not every action taken in order to achieve pleasure? Does the ant not enjoy contributing to his society? Does the wind not embrace free rein of the sky? Do you not talk to others for the sake of your own happiness? Unsatisfied, I refute the argument of God. When I lie alone on my floor and cry until time ticks backwards, I do not do it for fun. Well, he corrects; do you not mourn your lack of contentment? Do you not cry to progress towards your own happiness?
I think.
God continues.
Do you not put yourself through suffering as a means toward an end? Or has a state of suffering become an addiction stronger than that of joy? And what of the masochistic hedonist? If pleasure comes from blood dripping, from anguish, humiliation, is it not a sin to deny yourself such pleasures?
When God falls silent, I think of pain.
I ask him; do you find happiness in your nonbelievers? Does it bring a smile to your face when you kill thousands of your children at once? When you pit them against each other to do it for you? The lord grins, and a solar eclipse is brought to totality sometime in the far, far future. He answers supernally;
To complete the cycle of a life I have created is a pleasure unlike any other. There is a satisfaction that comes with finishing a project. The longer it takes to come to an end, the heavier the weight feels as it is lifted and your conscience is soothed. I am infinitely light, I bring arrangements to a close at incomprehensible speeds. How would I find happiness if there was nothing left to create/destroy?

A Conversation With God About Hedonism

World Peace

amphibious man (cover)

give me something i can’t take i need a little help to carry on
and everything begins to shake it’s just my body and my brain
betraying me for you again replaying record loops of pain
and longing and collapsing to feel like i did when 
i swallowed it all down, the pills, your voice, the thought of death 
and now my fingers aren’t moving and i don’t think they ever will again 
my mouth isn’t speaking limbs are creaking 
and i can’t let it out and i won’t let it in
i can’t let it out and i wont let it in
and i think this is the end 
i think this is the end

tell me something to remind me that my body isn’t liquid
i don’t need your help with finding all the things to take to kill me 
i’m yearning for reality cause it’s always escaping me
society won’t treat me kindly so i always end up retracing 
my steps in the past and future, a spiderweb of fucking over 
everyone that i hold dear i always end alone in fear 
there’s no beauty in my misery a deafening silent symphony 
and i can’t let it out and i won’t let it in
i can’t let it out and i wont let it in
and i think this is the end
i think this is the end 
i cant let it win
i cant let it win
i think this is the end 
i think this is the end

something i can’t take

He went looking for the gods and died in lonely places

xanthippe boyhell

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