Prod. YCK

Less and more it’s on and off I’m passing through on Audubon
Interrogate me it’s no wonder why we never got along
Until I have a made-up title at some kind of corporation
You won’t think I’m anything just pulling from your moral basis
More tenacious the lord’s support it is sort of waning
Had this dream that I’ve sought and worked towards attaining
Wave a finger reprimand me let me in before inhaling
Just because we’re family well I fail to see the correlation
If I saw the light and before me there was a golden ladder
I would not go climb it I thought I would get the molten matter
Hug the flames like I’m an irreversible savage
But tell me what did I do to deserve this merciful action
Why would you spare me when there are others in suffering
When I clearly don’t need it I find the stillness so comforting
Taciturn you have to earn a spot it’s what I scoff at
Rescind the act to thin the pack I figure well that’s my bad

The back and forth
The highs and lows
Expected more but
It’s been nice to know

I don’t mean to cut you off
But it’s something that I tend to do
Getting by I got few wants
And the verdict’s in it seems it’s true
Too ambitious demoralized
To each their own I’ll go my way
I’d prefer to live a shortened life
If it meant I couldn’t waste a day

How is somebody that kind but also that selfish
How could you think that you’re right it’s like you’re full of yourself it’s
Upsetting that I put defenses up to manually guard
But wanna thank you for showing me how you actually are
I should not apologize for being myself
Standing tall who’s got me there ain’t nobody else
The suicidal shtick is overdone but I’m a method actor
Too intent on being dead but I predict the second after
Once I’m cold here go the posts just wipe your tears and blow your noses
Suddenly you start to care when it’s your kid that overdoses
We all got addictions some socially are acceptable
I turn my ringer off so I’m functionally inaccessible
Just my luck I fall for women living with some deep trauma
Ain’t on purpose I suppose that hurting helps you be stronger
But we want a partner that remains consistent
And accepts you as you are and you can tell is always listening

The back and forth
The highs and lows
Expected more but
It’s been nice to know

I don’t mean to cut you off
But it’s something that I tend to do
Getting by I got few wants
And the verdict’s in it seems it’s true
Too ambitious demoralized
To each their own I’ll go my way
I’d prefer to live a shortened life
If it meant I couldn’t waste a day

Back and Forth, Highs and Lows

Prod. YCK

I don’t say “I love you” enough to the folks I love
Wishing that I was rid of this pushing will come to shove
It’s an undying multiplying internal secretion
In my body get me off this earth need permanent deletion
I may miss my cousin here but sometimes I can understand
Why she did what she did and was it predestined or planned
If I was in that room could I have fully prevented her
Or was it just bound to happen later as if she never learned
Your view is too obscured it’s like you’re looking through a fogged lens
Acting so irregular you’ll see me when I drop dead
In this age of needing instant gratification
Guess I’m going on living call that casket evasion
Indifferent insouciant tried at finding the beauty
But I’m surrounded by the sorrow wanna drown absolutely
Superficially weighted and judging all of my qualities 
Not somebody to idolize pray for distance from polities

Conveniently placed on the outskirts of a city
Looking down upon those that you never seemed to pity
And so it goes you’re pleading “no not this again”
But my oh my you’re saving face with your will to spend
That’s beside the point as long as that makes you happy
Who am I to argue bout what happenstances hand me
An anesthetic just to help turn the page
And you’re so photogenic we’re just birds in a cage

I don’t say “I miss you” enough to a crowd I miss
Wishing I was above it I’m swallowed by the abyss
It’s been ongoing locks open kicked me in the chest
Already been a year the pathways in my heart have been compressed
And I ain’t one for confessions but admitting’s the first step
That we should have intervened you were always your worst threat
If things were that simple we’d have a chance to rekindle
There’s no simplicity in losing you our family’s dwindled
Now that’s quite bold of you thinking I’d handle
My condition but I think it’s here I blow out the candles
It’s impractical if I can’t even feed from the oxygen
I’m the lightning in a bottle years ago that you caught me in
Gripping the placebos that I’ve become besotted with
When it’s flaring up don’t care enough I do not acknowledge it
I could always stop it but I’m putting it off
I try to fit into a world in where I couldn’t belong

Conveniently placed on the outskirts of a city
Looking down upon those that you never seemed to pity
And so it goes you’re pleading “no not this again”
But my oh my you’re saving face with your will to spend
That’s beside the point as long as that makes you happy
Who am I to argue bout what happenstances hand me
An anesthetic just to help turn the page
And you’re so photogenic we’re just birds in a cage

Birds in a Cage

Prod. YCK

When you hide yourself well that’s much too apparent
You still craft lies that you’re gonna tell your parents
Some of us don’t got those or a guardian
Boutta couch surf after late nights partying
Triple digits heat but then you putting on a sweater
You ain’t aiming to be seen you’re pulling strings and pulling levers
Image that you got of yourself has become distorted
And the tricks to get a fix at this point is just unrewarding
Where does the king of loneliness reside
You’re too insistent why you keep us mystified
You aren’t ever like this tell me what’s gotten into you
Said it wouldn’t stop bruising purple with a hint of blue
Prepping the seclusion of your crushing insecurities
They’re hidden down below and there ain’t nothing no emergency
Wouldn’t wish this even on the worst people
Your own North Star’s settled as a church steeple

When you despise your own appearance
And you hate the looks you get
Stumble through in the interference
And you’re convinced you should be dead
I’m wholeheartedly stuck to a
Resolution of my new love
Dysmorphia dysphoria
In memoriam euphoria

What you sniff through a straw won’t free you
From the setbacks or a place where you’ll be used
Then you move too impulsive too spontaneous
Your departure’s extemporaneous
You don’t wanna feel again why’d anybody want to
What you’re going through’s involuntary dangerous impromptu
For the monochromatic induction tension will cut through the cadence
No longer wait for disruption sleeping but that ain’t abeyance
Capricious notions atmospheric rivers
Flashback to then you’ve come to fear the winter
It must be the coldest it has ever been recorded
Wanna shrink into yourself it’s like your body’s been contorted
When you’ve skipped another meal and starving but ignore the appetite
You’ve gotten a suspicion nothing’s ever gonna happen right
Self-desertion is the easy option
No results emerging so remove the caution

When you despise your own appearance
And you hate the looks you get
Stumble through in the interference
And you’re convinced you should be dead
I’m wholeheartedly stuck to a
Resolution of my new love
Dysmorphia dysphoria
In memoriam euphoria

Dysmorphia, Dysphoria

Prod. YCK

Why’d you go and do that cause we’ve been wanting you back
You showed up with no kids and a stranger who was your new man
You left in a hurry somewhere that you had to be
You were only in your thirties but full of such apathy
Place to place what happens with an absent father figure
Now your sons will have to live their lives without a mother since you’re
Gone I wish you hadn’t done it after all
Not like it matters I should have replied to you that’s my fault
It was late September on an unassuming day
I can still remember how we couldn’t soothe that pain
And then December came around that Christmas hit us even harder
Unlike anything I’d felt we missed your aura’s fleeing ardor
Now every night I make a list what I’ll do in the morning
That’s because of you you told us that you did that as restoring
Order to your life cause given your upbringing
Not surprised always an episode away from just sinking

Wait I wrote no alibi
Indecisive have to lie 
Serenity is still unfound 
I constantly will disavow

Forgive me while I commit
This horrible injustice
I’ve suffered yes I do admit
And you’ll just have to trust this
Listed the alternatives
But none will cover everything
Have this much here left to give
Keep me in mind now when you sing

A life has been taken but I won’t be taking mine
The end result is the same so I can just wait in line
Persist indefinitely then succumb to natural causes
Do not console me when you don’t know what an actual loss is
Don’t mistake my steady silence for a lack of grief
If I had sent a signal would you send one back to me
Words that I regret, and words that I didn’t mean
I was just upset you relapsed and were no longer clean
If only you had stuck around to finish up your sleeves
Maybe then we’d go out drinking for a moment of reprieve
Misbehaved and fought the cops arrested in the street
You’d left the house around 11 then our job had been complete
48 hours and you would send an apology
Sometimes I miss those nights when you’d show up right after calling me
Memories will occupy the void that can’t be filled
I’ll try to speak up here on out, we can’t avoid what can’t be killed

Wait I wrote no alibi
Indecisive have to lie 
Serenity is still unfound 
I constantly will disavow

Forgive me while I commit
This horrible injustice
I’ve suffered yes I do admit
And you’ll just have to trust this
Listed the alternatives
But none will cover everything
Have this much here left to give
Keep me in mind now when you sing

The Void

Prod. YCK

OK OK what the air so gray for
Short-lived freedom until they will claim more
Tracts of our homelands that were designated
But our lives with the gods ain’t been here for regulating
It’s wild what came first the dispute
Or the killing that hindered the search and pursuit
Of the wealth from the oils or the furs or the groves
There in hell when it boils so I’m sitting in coves
Unlock and decode it I jinx the conundrum
The rest of em dead to me, Donner in tundra
The party is over migrate to the shores
You could call me aggressive what’s mine isn’t yours
Enterprise set to rise under this cloak
Imma enter right as the transporter chokes
And I’m swept to the depths in the province pelagic
Arcane witchcraft but without any magic

I keep thinking on and off
That I’d always known it all along
The lies that they had sold us
No surprise that there’d been no trust
Silent as the ravens spectate
Elapse, transpire, end by the set date
There’s no use trying for recovery
A glimpse as the waves will cover me

We are the hellions leading rebellious
Messenger tumbled but he will not tell me his
Name I condemn you for acting with animus
Seldom in unison it was unanimous
Roll with the punches I’m rocking with it
No comments addressing the opposition
Ain’t intended to legitimize a criminal regime
And even when the government had done it they will reign supreme
Putting what’s crude in the gulfs and the bayous
Bad attitude in the gambit that I use
Set with the posture why I fucking tossed your
Scrolls in the sea for the talking when you’re not sure
Misconstrue my meaning I hope
That this field of view is fleeting but nope
Introducing imitations here to induct
Always needing agendas and things to obstruct

I keep thinking on and off
That I’d always known it all along
The lies that they had sold us
No surprise that there’d been no trust
Silent as the ravens spectate
Elapse, transpire, end by the set date
There’s no use trying for recovery
A glimpse as the waves will cover me

As The Waves Cover Me

Prod. YCK

Ain’t no misfire nah you loading real live rounds 
You go low but I go lower got no sense of high ground
You don’t stop with the gossip moving your mouth
Can’t tell what the hell it is you’re talking about
Brought the weight so I bought an eighth
Have no denominations that is not in my fate
So why would I devote myself to this
What I put in I don’t get out once again dismissed
I don’t wanna hear about no damn morals
You have done wrong like the rest of us
I could never pause and rest on my laurels
Long as I’m here there ain’t excessive trust
Tons done starved and the banks foreclosed
While the rich spent their dough on expensive dust
The conditions and the hurting both had made em predisposed
To be a radical in desolate repressive cuffs

You done got a short fuse
Haven’t paid up your dues
I don’t wanna slow my breathing or choose
This or that the discord will creep in
Tit for tat for us to break even

The blood exits my body
Who will follow the trail into the night?
You’re so focused on dying you have fully forgotten
That you’re still alive but can’t revive what’s downtrodden
Are you comfortable in your own skin?
Cause that face you wear is wearing thin
How terrible you had to leave so soon
It’s unbearable the thought of empty rooms

They be in a kind of break and midlife crisis
Age of eighteen when the standard advice is
Go to school and go to work retire then die
But had failed the first step while I go pretend I
Got my act back together now I’m living by my lonesome
Cast your stones I’m unaware to where they’re thrown from
At least I’m honest about my character’s faults
Here in the valley more than half of what they’re sharing is false
Blind faith been a dangerous game advise you don’t
Give it all up bought into the lies you won’t
Circumvent the reasoning because it strangles
Like a cinder block around your caved-in ankles
I am acclimated to inadequate backing
The aggregate’s slacking accept where I’m at
Cheered on for the encore take 10
Cause I’m feeling that they want more but I’ll say when

You done got a short fuse
Haven’t paid up your dues
I don’t wanna slow my breathing or choose
This or that the discord will creep in
Tit for tat for us to break even

The blood exits my body
Who will follow the trail into the night?
You’re so focused on dying you have fully forgotten
That you’re still alive but can’t revive what’s downtrodden
Are you comfortable in your own skin?
Cause that face you wear is wearing thin
How terrible you had to leave so soon
It’s unbearable the thought of empty rooms

Follow The Trail

Prod. YCK

Detox from the deep talks
Ain’t escaping from these thoughts
I’m not one to take cheap shots
But you made a note of my weak spots
Nothing of substance you are too vapid
And I am convinced the fall will be so rapid
Live by materialism no purpose
To keep up here she go missing won’t surface
No shoulder to rest on you need it most
Felt I had the right for me to ghost
You can take that much but when I ain’t give
There’s an altered tone and conduct’s abrasive
Consequences reverberate
Will complete what I want by a certain date
Cause I breathe to write or I write to breathe
I won’t be able to when I’m assigned beneath

When I’m an old and decrepit soul
Will you be there in time to watch the credits roll
You skipped the previews and stole a seat
Cause there’s not that much use in controlling me
And if you blink you could miss it
I’m put on the spot in an awkward position
It’s brave, brave of you to solicit
Cause I’d take the fall but I don’t fit the description
Spiraling downward trajectory detoured
Precisely you’ll ad-lib a nosedive in free form
Self-medicate how to handle the pain
Won’t learn a bit no you’ll gamble the same

24 but I’m falling short
What is it that I’m stalling for
People dropping like a college course
They’re coming going like revolving doors
Shift subtle tones but you loathe that trait
Got a blocked frontal lobe better hold that weight
When you’re dropped like a rock by the powers that be
You ain’t stopping the shock you’ll encounter and see
Given a minute collecting your bearings
That’s some kind of kindness to grant the forbearance
But you’re an accomplice your network clandestine
You’ll patch up the wounds that the shrapnel was left in
Covering up the carburetor
Fulton Street no parking paid for
Downtown been a whole mess 
I’ll take the backroads yeah my path is safer

When I’m an old and decrepit soul
Will you be there in time to watch the credits roll
You skipped the previews and stole a seat
Cause there’s not that much use in controlling me
And if you blink you could miss it
I’m put on the spot in an awkward position
It’s brave, brave of you to solicit
Cause I’d take the fall but I don’t fit the description
Spiraling downward trajectory detoured
Precisely you’ll ad-lib a nosedive in free form
Self-medicate how to handle the pain
Won’t learn a bit no you’ll gamble the same

Freefall

Prod. YCK

Have you ever realized that there’s a day you’re gonna die
Or is it too much to ponder while you work the nine to five
Something set you off and it changed the whole week
How you get up in the morning if the future’s so bleak
I don’t mean to be pessimistic but it’s so easy
Middle class America copping what’s shown on TV
Your heroes grown up to be used car salesmen
The lawn’s dried up they say hey to the mailman
Then they head inside to a woman they don’t like
Why’d you get married anyways said it’s your own right
It’s the old school way the classic expectations
The 99’s traffic had me less than patient
Cause I was tryna go to where the cops ain’t lurk
Seen the world move ahead and abandon the framework
In an era protesting what you have been taught
Is me rethinking any sign of an original thought

It’s kind of ironic you drink to live in
Between the mundane and your lost ambitions
Washed up and has been the whole room is laughing
But you wouldn’t know, no you wouldn’t know

You are hard stuck in cul-de-sac aspirations
Half your family’s addicts or was once a cancer patient
New tattoo cause the last two dudes
That you got em with had dipped now your son has a loose tooth
Like you took a long nap and when you finally came to
He was older than the concrete your ex had laid you
Built you a home you ended up with it
And lost custody so no he don’t visit
And yeah look I am not a person to judge
What goes on inside my head it’s a bit too much
You won’t catch me slipping acting like I’m holier than thou
Had a hard time picking what you fully can renounce
Oughta be careful in who you sharing your secrets with
My list too long and it’s full of things that I need to quit
It’s ok to settle forget a chain and gold bracelets
Do not let perfection inhibit what could be greatness

Underpaid but driving still to make that commute
You’re changing goals and never satisfied ingrained in your roots
Stretches of months and you ain’t felt a thing
But then when it rusts you feel a familiar sting

It’s kind of ironic you drink to live in
Between the mundane and your lost ambitions
Washed up and has been the whole room is laughing
But you wouldn’t know, no you wouldn’t know

In Between The Mundane And Lost Ambitions

Prod. YCK

Digging up the letters we exchanged
But had split imma let her be estranged
Unswayed by the public opinion your own views
Engrained need new over-the-counters to abuse
And I’m fortunate aren’t I
Forewarned bout the trek and the far side
Star signs ain’t been telling me anything that I’ve wanted insight into
Put a finger down for every time that I lied to you
In a rut yeah begging wait and see eventual action
Used to wanna risk it standing for torrential crashing
Prayed for my own demise that don’t fly
When conversing with a therapist and they say don’t lie
Danger to myself lucky numbers 5150 
Isn’t that relatable is anyone with me
Every other person mentally ill or half gone
They’re consumed they be pressing these pills but that’s wrong

Emptied out bars and newspaper clippings
You’d gotten so far but your anger is slipping
The wind’s been taken from your sails
But they say a little pick-me-up never fails

It was many moons ago when
You told me your goodbyes intent on meeting my untimely end
Heavy hearts, a total mess
In case I fail to see it through then surely you will try again

You had wept on the ride there
Last time you had cried to what I shared, I’m blamed
How should I confront feelings interlaced
Falling out of love dealing with constraints
Bait with the fake qualms
You ain’t cared but I try to remain calm, late calls
When you regain your senses and some of the memories rush in
I can escape a broken demeanor then with no disruptions
Drawn to the pulchritude but what gets me
Is warmer disposition cause crudity don’t impress me
Fortunate you’re reformed or you swore
That you were but I won’t hold you to it I am too torn
Permanent lethargy need to recharge
Reversal of energy keeps us apart
I’m not worth the compromising how am I the stubborn one
I’m bout to greet the winter moon and farewell to the summer sun

Emptied out bars and newspaper clippings
You’d gotten so far but your anger is slipping
The wind’s been taken from your sails
But they say a little pick-me-up never fails

It was many moons ago when
You told me your goodbyes intent on meeting my untimely end
Heavy hearts, a total mess
In case I fail to see it through then surely you will try again

Many Moons Ago

Prod. YCK

Colder but I’m burning up
The leaves will fall another day
Constant rotation
And slow-reaching sequence
Speaking but I’ve heard enough
The high regard it will decay
Abject temptation
That can’t be relinquished

Too much exposition I’ve written my own soliloquy
I’m speaking what’s on my mind ain’t restrained and it’s like I’m filter-free
But I’m remarkably average my life is full of almosts
So I’m nobody you wanna try emulating no I don’t mean to boast
Lead a double life inexplicable how I’m juggling
Between my obligations and leisure I’m always struggling
What I be planning is grand and ambitious 
Topics are litigious
Outta my way not betting on me
I’d rather accomplish it than wish it
Ask if something’s wrong I say I’m just mean mugging
A weekly mental health check that really means nothing
If I was bout to end myself I don’t believe a hotline
And person on the other phone will show me that it’s not time
Say that I belong but it’s often I don’t feel so
Yeah the truth can hurt I’d prefer that you keep it real though
Honesty can change a whole moment when least expected
Resentment’s a selfish business but hard to not be affected

Colder but I’m burning up
The leaves will fall another day
Constant rotation
And slow-reaching sequence
Speaking but I’ve heard enough
The high regard it will decay
Abject temptation
That can’t be relinquished

In a web of lies I’m tenderizing nests like I’m a spider
Grab a noose and wear it like a chain I’m bout to wrap it tighter
My relief is in a bottle my relief is in a lighter
Been diseased 24 years I guess that I’m a fighter
What’s it gonna take to sabotage and pacify me
Finally noticed when I stopped it seems they’re passing by me
Lot of us got a particular urge of an ending
That’s looming within and it’s constant
It ain’t a mystery but I don’t typically
Wanna indulge in it been too despondent
Think I’m of a sound mind well it’s quite the contrary
Avalanche of comments I’m underneath my thoughts buried
Words can’t be retracted I appear I’m unable
To be complete so I adapted held together by staples
Damn emotional baggage my anti sociable habits
An unapproachable man and what’s non-negotiable happens
Formulate a tactic outlining my discontinuance
And should avoid attention whatever’s most inconspicuous 

Frozen, a moment suspends
A fluttering motion in space
That reminds you, you want more
Hoping, as though it’ll mend
And cover the broken embrace
You’re alright with that flair of yours

Colder but I’m burning up
The leaves will fall another day
Constant rotation
And slow-reaching sequence
Speaking but I’ve heard enough
The high regard it will decay
Abject temptation
That can’t be relinquished

The Leaves Will Fall Another Day

Prod. YCK

Why y’all sleep together when both of you don’t get intimate
Engaged human contact means safety though you aren’t into it
How could you be in love when you seem done with it all
You had so many disagreements words have clung to the walls
You assert the new medication is killing libido
But it’s exactly the same as the prior it was placebo
Hate to accept it how the attraction has left
And what’s designed to help you has a counteracting effect
Chronic infidelity this is the dream you’re selling me
You’ve handily been blinded by some grief and some jealousy
How am I supposed to be with you on top of my neck
To grab each other’s phones to double down and then triple check
Tried to get through any bickering diametrically opposed
Here where the lights have been flickering I’m objectively enclosed
In unity that was the past I miss it a lot but was it that great
I cannot remember that far and though we ain’t last we’re wiping the slate

You argued you were sober, why do you have
That guilty expression plastered on your face
The missed and absent closure, shout on my behalf
What is depressed is faster to replace
Numb my mind then shut the doors
You’ve come to find what you were searching for
Dreaming in a metaphor 
Wasn’t I who was affected more
Apologies to my beloved
That glowing touch you crave and covet
Acquainted with that dial tone
But you don’t wanna die alone

Everyday with the mood swings switching off the cuff
And you were given bout two rings but that ain’t enough
Had gone for years untreated freezing praying wanting a dirt nap
But once you get a taste of royalty can’t revert back
It’s possible to make the right moves but still lose
As a relationship ends and concludes unfilled rooms
Throughout the spot and now it’s like you both hadn’t met
Anxiety been building for events that ain’t happened yet
Greyed out on the greyhound my memory’s kinda spotty
After this I want to lay down your drinking’s getting sloppy
I can’t even have my fun because you’re acting that way
But I’m ignored when I’m concerned so I’ll dig where I shall way
When is it you have considered me equal cause I deserve that respect
Treated unlike other people you got some nerve to fake and defect
Gone by the skin of my teeth you’re making this harder than it should be
Tell me what it’s in for me I’ve never been farther I wanna leave

You argued you were sober, why do you have
That guilty expression plastered on your face
The missed and absent closure, shout on my behalf
What is depressed is faster to replace
Numb my mind then shut the doors
You’ve come to find what you were searching for
Dreaming in a metaphor 
Wasn’t I who was affected more
Apologies to my beloved
That glowing touch you crave and covet
Acquainted with that dial tone
But you don’t wanna die alone

To My Beloved

DESERTBOYS

any inquiries/leasing: yck559@gmail.com

In Between The Mundane And Lost Ambitions

YCK

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