I wrote this poem in 2009.  As a survivor of childhood rape, when I started having sexual desires of my own, and they were for men, I was very confused. Was I sick? Was I turning into a podophile (but my desires weren’t for children though)? After what happened to me, how could I ever enjoy sex with a man? And yet the desire was strong.  And of course, I couldn’t utter any of my fears, confusions, worries etc. to anyone, for fear of me being gay getting out. 
This poem tries to get inside of those feelings and have a good old poke around, trying to find light in the dark. 
The title of this comes from 2 sources.  Jackson Pollock’s 1943 masterpiece “Pasiphaë” (see attached) and of course from Greek Mythology, where Pasiphaë was the mother of “The Minotaur”. After a curse was put on her by Poseidon, she lusted after & eventually copulated with a white bull. “The Minotaur” is their son. 
Anyway, I haven’t shared this one previously as I wasn’t ready to tell the story behind it.  I recited it for radio tonight and thought I'd share it here as well.  Cheers. AD

POETry

Pasiphae

Neptune’s Whisper
I don’t live here anymore
I’m just a ghost
In that big old house
Over there

And I walk
On the beach
At night
Alone

Neptune’s whisper
Calls me down
These steps
Leading into the ocean

And I swim –
Float away
From all that 
I know

All that I’m 
Secure with –
From all that
I’ve come to love

Neptune’s whisper
Beacons me away
From the love
That has long since vanished

These rocks may be
Rough on
My bare feet
But the pain is liberation

And the crashing waves
Will wash the shore
For love to grow once more – 
Once I’m gone

I’ll just follow
Neptune’s whisper
To learn from his wisdom
And my mistakes.

©26/01/1990 Adam Devlin

Neptune's Whisper

Utopia
I was born a fatherless bastard
In an abandoned cultural backlot
I was a happy son-of-a-bitch
Contended with my lot

I had a happy childhood
At least I thought so at the time
For I had no idea of the future
That I would one day call mine

Oh Utopia.

My mother struggled every day
To just get food on my plate
She sold her being, soul and body
To seal me a better fate

I was raised a “council-kid”
In an estate more like a gaol
We were dependant on the welfare cheque
Every second Thursday in the mail

Oh Utopia.

My father is a myth
More of a donor than a dad
I’ve only meet him twice
Both times were incredibility sad.

He raped my mother at 16
She was drunk and didn’t know it
I was the surprise of her life
And into her plans I did not fit

Oh Utopia.

As a kid I went to school
Only when I had to
Otherwise I was strutting the street
Learning what I had to do

Envy is not a curse
It’s an education –
It showed me what I wanted
And taking it was my vocation

Oh Utopia.

Mum died when I was 14
She was empty, cold and spent
Robbed, bashed and left for dead
She lived her life without repent

I moved out onto the street
And found my new family
They taught me how to survive
And I finely felt free

Oh Utopia.

By 18 I had a record and a habit
And an attitude to match
I had everything I wanted
And anything I could snatch

A life of petty crime and isolation
Seemed to fit me well
Until one day I ran into you
And realised my life: a living hell

Oh Utopia.

You seemed to see in me
Something no one else could
You saw past my exterior
And somehow saw some good

You said you wanted to be with me
But things would have to change
I could no longer live this life
Some things I would have to re-arrange

Oh Utopia.

I tried to get a job
To build a better life
And with no opportunities or chances
The temptations were too rife

So I lied about my work
Left the house every day
But instead of some stuffy office
On the street, knife in hand, I’d make ‘em pay

Oh Utopia.

I kept trying to escape my past
To prove to you I could do it
I wanted you to be proud of me - 
Into your world I wanted to fit

At every turn I was rejected
The street became my father figure
Everyone and thing became my enemy
I guess in hindsight I just didn’t have your rigour

Oh Utopia.

At 22 I stabbed a woman
To steal her purse
She died 4 hours later in a hospital waiting room
I got $26, a photo of her 6-year-old son and the ultimate curse

You said you could not stay
That you could do and take no more
And I fully got your gist
Your perfection against my flaw

Oh Utopia.

My life now is all but done
Living in a gaol more like an estate
I’ve 18 years of hard labour
Before I see the other side of the gate

And life in here
It is not so bad
As long as you keep to yourself
Or go completely mad

Oh Utopia.

So I’ve decided to keep to myself
And I won’t be kept in a cage
I’d rather be in an un-named box
In which I’ll never age.

Oh Utopia.

Adam Devlin 06/03/2010

Utopia

A Junkies Lament
I just want to smash something –
To just unleash fury
For a split moment.

But the reality scares me –
I’m not sure
I’d know what to do with it.

What if I bow to mother reality
And find the comfort of kneeling
Too nice to give up?

What then?
I can’t smash time indefinitely 
Without smashing me.

What do I do
When I stand
And am back in this wristwatch world?

I’ll take this smashing fury
And channel it inward
Into some other avenue

Into some other avenue, street, bus or lane
Where it can seek assistance
In the comfort of a vein.

 Adam Devlin 10/03/2009

A Junkies Lament

Adults in Eden.

It’s not what was done.
That can’t be undone.
It’s that adults in Eden knew
And now say they didn’t know what to do.

8

I’m so sorry, I thought it might be happening…
Pleased to see you seem to be succeeding
I’m so proud of you for speaking out
You’re a hero, there’s no doubt.

9

The isolation is crippling
The guilt ever increasing
I’m clearly to blame
This spine shattering shame

10

When do the midnight cold sweats stop?
How many more sleepless nights do I have to cop?
I’m 53 years old and scared my life is over -
I just don’t know if I have what it takes to be sober…

11

It’s not what was done.
That can’t be undone.
It’s not like no one had a clue
There were adults in Eden that knew…

01/01/2020. Adam Devlin.

Adults In Eden

An Examination of Sorts.
The last time we made love
Was the first time I made love

Before then,
It was just sex

Thank you!

You won’t be seeing me again.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

I used to wonder what love was
As we all did in our equilateral youth
And I spent many a dollar trying to find it
But it has all turned to be of no use

I was always substituting love for sex
With lust the emotional barometer –
I’d chart the highs and lows of my journeys
With the precision of a cartographer

My maps are not some intricate maze though –
Instead their course was clear
To bed the beauties of my youth
And hold not one of them near

It’s not that I’m incapable of love
You have proved that I’m not
It’s just that the gift of giving
Is a present I just haven’t got

I’ve tried it once or twice
But it’s just not my cup of tea
So if you’re looking for the fulfilment of love
You’d better stay clear of me.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

You have not heard from me in a while –
Well I’m sorry

I’ve been kept really rather busy of late –
Well I’m sorry

The love I’ve spoken of for years I’ve only just felt –
Well I’m sorry

To tell you the truth I’ve been lying to you –
So I’m sorry

The honesty of us is all that’s left now –
So I’m sorry

I just can’t be this real with someone so close –
So I’m sorry

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

The convenience of being
Is not really being at all
When that convenience twists and bends
What it is that it’s made
Into something quite new

The convenience of us is all that’s left
And I can’t do it anymore

It’s too easy now
I love you.

So watch me do my usual:
Mad dog it out of here
With coward’s tail clearly
Out of sight

Shoved up between my legs
And pressed tightly against my guts

To shorten what it is I am
And chance less of you the view
Of me on the flee

That’s my trick.

Oh, and by the way
If anyone should happen to ask
It is all your fault

There’s nothing wrong with me –
It’s you
That wanted all that mushy
Love stuff

And made me feel it!
Weren’t the motions
Good enough?

What’s wrong with you?

I can’t be loving and tough
Too –
I’m a man
I won’t be confused by convenience
Or conscience

Oh well,
I guess all’s not lost
At least
I know I’m not
HIV+

Thanks for the test.

Adam Devlin 10/03/2009

An Examinaiton of Sorts

FREEDOM’S PRISONER
Freedom is what I feel within
It is a state of mind
Not of body
And my soul soars on wings of hope
 
you can take me
And tie me to the cross of my desires
And torch my torso with the torment I am
But that just ignites my freedom
 
You can lock me in a 12-foot room
And limit my sight to 4 hours of light
And deafen me with nothing's noise
For my freedom is already granted
 
Try and take it from me
If you will
But your efforts to destroy it
Will only enhance my freedom
 
My freedom is within me
Flowing in my veins
And I could not give it up -
Not even if I wanted to.
 
           (not even for you)
 
©Adam Devlin 24/7/2014

Freedom's Prisoner

As I Take Another Drink.
As I take another drink
I realise my friends and my enemies
Start to blend into the same entity
And I am left looking into empty skies

There is no warmth without the sun
And no day either
And this eternal night is taking its toll
Like ether on the conscious.

It leaves me comatose and cold
Inconsistent with the requirements of my life
And as such so totally irresistible
And so completely unattainable.

So I take another drink
To try and realise why 
And how I draw breath
And other irrelevant quests

That leads me into a quizzical state of mind 
That renders me parched with possibilities
And prostrate with problems
To which I can’t procure rehabilitation

Do I see myself as maniacal
As I march back and forth from self to truth
Or do I realise I am just one man struggling with life
As I take another drink?

Adam Devlin 21/03/2010

As I Take Another Drink

The Spinning Wheel
Don’t come over for a while
Give me some space
My life is upside down
And I think I’ve lost my place

I’m spinning in endless circles
And the sensation scares me
So just leave me alone for a while
So I can set us free

Recent times have not been easy
We’ve both had our ups and downs
And I need not rant on spent issues
For we both know how that sounds

It’s just that I don’t want you to see me this way
You to me are too important
The spinning wheel is not a pretty sight
And the pain of motion incessant

So just give me some time
And try to understand
It’s nothing you have said or done
It’s just me trying to comprehend.

Adam Devlin
©2010.

addevlin

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