I wrote this poem in 2009.  As a survivor of childhood rape, when I started having sexual desires of my own, and they were for men, I was very confused. Was I sick? Was I turning into a podophile (but my desires weren’t for children though)? After what happened to me, how could I ever enjoy sex with a man? And yet the desire was strong.  And of course, I couldn’t utter any of my fears, confusions, worries etc. to anyone, for fear of me being gay getting out. 
This poem tries to get inside of those feelings and have a good old poke around, trying to find light in the dark. 
The title of this comes from 2 sources.  Jackson Pollock’s 1943 masterpiece “Pasiphaë” (see attached) and of course from Greek Mythology, where Pasiphaë was the mother of “The Minotaur”. After a curse was put on her by Poseidon, she lusted after & eventually copulated with a white bull. “The Minotaur” is their son. 
Anyway, I haven’t shared this one previously as I wasn’t ready to tell the story behind it.  I recited it for radio tonight and thought I'd share it here as well.  Cheers. AD

POETry

Pasiphae

A Junkies Lament
I just want to smash something –
To just unleash fury
For a split moment.

But the reality scares me –
I’m not sure
I’d know what to do with it.

What if I bow to mother reality
And find the comfort of kneeling
Too nice to give up?

What then?
I can’t smash time indefinitely 
Without smashing me.

What do I do
When I stand
And am back in this wristwatch world?

I’ll take this smashing fury
And channel it inward
Into some other avenue

Into some other avenue, street, bus or lane
Where it can seek assistance
In the comfort of a vein.

 Adam Devlin 10/03/2009

A Junkies Lament

Adults in Eden.

It’s not what was done.
That can’t be undone.
It’s that adults in Eden knew
And now say they didn’t know what to do.

8

I’m so sorry, I thought it might be happening…
Pleased to see you seem to be succeeding
I’m so proud of you for speaking out
You’re a hero, there’s no doubt.

9

The isolation is crippling
The guilt ever increasing
I’m clearly to blame
This spine shattering shame

10

When do the midnight cold sweats stop?
How many more sleepless nights do I have to cop?
I’m 53 years old and scared my life is over -
I just don’t know if I have what it takes to be sober…

11

It’s not what was done.
That can’t be undone.
It’s not like no one had a clue
There were adults in Eden that knew…

01/01/2020. Adam Devlin.

Adults In Eden

As I Take Another Drink.
As I take another drink
I realise my friends and my enemies
Start to blend into the same entity
And I am left looking into empty skies

There is no warmth without the sun
And no day either
And this eternal night is taking its toll
Like ether on the conscious.

It leaves me comatose and cold
Inconsistent with the requirements of my life
And as such so totally irresistible
And so completely unattainable.

So I take another drink
To try and realise why 
And how I draw breath
And other irrelevant quests

That leads me into a quizzical state of mind 
That renders me parched with possibilities
And prostrate with problems
To which I can’t procure rehabilitation

Do I see myself as maniacal
As I march back and forth from self to truth
Or do I realise I am just one man struggling with life
As I take another drink?

Adam Devlin 21/03/2010

As I Take Another Drink

Take It All Back is the second single from the forthcoming Sui Zhen album Secretly Susan, to be released on Remote Control Records / Dot Dash later in 2015.


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Mixed by Todd Dixon at Mechanical Sounds: mechanicalsound.com/
Mastered by Dave Cooley at Elysian Masters: www.elysianmasters.com/

Sui Zhen – Take It All Back

DAYBEAT presents Sad Songs 2017 feat Olivia Newton-John

Dua Lipa & Olivia Newton-John - Physical
(David Michael Remix) 132 BPM

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As I Take Another Drink

addevlin

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