~2024

Other versions:
https://soundcloud.com/albobbidwell/taylor-swift-cant-help-you-p-of-c

Taylor Swift Can't Help You

lyrics:

Here's a scene
A local open mic
Who cares where, they all seem to be alike

Oh thank God
Good thing you're here
'Cause I need another Neil Young cover in my ear

You ask me
Do I know this song
I totally do but you insist that I'm wrong

So buy a ten-dollar beer
And kick out the jams
'Cause I'll bet you wish Abigail Devoe had an OnlyFans

You do your set
And get your kicks
I think I seen those stage moves in a video from '86

I do my thang
Some song about wangs
Just an insult to art, an unmusical harangue

But there's a chick on YouTube
Who understands a real man
A dude who wishes Abigail Devoe had an OnlyFans

You don't get
My major depth
The wideness of my artistic breadth

At least back home
You got stuff to hold
With ancient seeds and stems in the crack o' the gatefold

But at the end of the night
With yo' wiener in hand
Wishin' that Abigail Devoe had an OnlyFans

Just dreamin' of Abigail Devoe on OnlyFans
A classic beauty that don't over-tan
Wrapped up in a vintage caftan
A woman that appreciates a well-made flan
Sendin' you her socks for only a grand
Just don't admit that you eat so much bran
Or still drive around in that Chevrolet van
If only the plans in your head would pan
Out

Abigail Devoe OnlyFans, Pt. 1

lyrics:

You were born after 9-11
You really don't know shit
You've had a phone your entire life
You never even got your face hit

You were sad during the pandemic
You played vidja games with fake friends
You scroll through all the streaming services
You think the whole world is gonna end

You were born after 9-11
You don't get coffee from 7-11
You don't get my Spinal Tap reference to eleven
And you notice when the time's 11:11

Yeah, you like numerology
And you obey astrology
And you hate biology
And you demand apologies

You were born after 9-11
But you shoulda met my old friend Kevin
But you can't now 'cause he's in Heaven
Hangin' with another dead friend
Who's also named Kevin

You Were Born After 9-11 [W.E. Demo]

lyrics:

Is the glass half full
Or half empty, bull
The glass is too big
And I took a swig

Now it's in my veins
And I'm feeling the pains
Of post-ironic memes
Of monocultural teams

Writin' their minor songs
Discrete dabs, no passin' bongs
Let me play you this one
This is serious anti-fun

I've been drinkin' that Gen Z pee
It's problematic just talkin' to me
All I did was mention a Beatles tune
And your angry ass decorated the room

I've been drinkin' that Gen Z pee
But maybe I should spend more time in the street
I've got a sign with two sides, scrawled
Just tryin' to see you, I'm gonna crawl

Just attempt to conceive
What privacy may relieve
Tyranny of the self
A manic grandmother elf

Those prior problematics
Now fermenting spaztics
Your songs ain't so bad
Just call 'em all "I'm Sad"

Poor you
The poor things

I've been drinkin' that Gen Z pee
Now I'm mired in madness, clipped speech intensity
I fixed up the house, I cleaned the toilet
But you didn't stick around long enough to soil it

Hope I didn't spoil your party (What party?)
I've just been listenin' to Jen's E.P.
Me and that girl, I mean, honestly, like, for me
In my opinion, personally, it's like, seriously
For me, I mean

Taylor Swift Can't Help You

Al Bob Bidwell