Still cant find what keeps me here

Log Friday, April Fourth, 2025: The time is 8:15 pm, Today was the first time I genuinely wanted to kill myself since years ago, and I went to grab a knife to stab myself in the heart. I probably would have if my dad hadn’t been in the kitchen, which is ironic since he’s the one who ended up causing me to be like this in the first place. I went downstairs at my mother’s suggestion to search the bathroom trashcan down there to see if my brother ate my candy and hid the wrapper inside it. Long story, the short of it is that I gave my younger siblings  some of the  candy I bought yesterday in order to get them to leave me alone, but there was still quite a bit of candy left in the bag. This morning I woke up at two, did a few things, then went back to bed and woke up at 5. I was exhausted, so I wanted to take the remaining candy to work. I couldn’t find the bag. Make it through work, come home, do some things, then find the bag -with only a cookie’s n’ crème Hershey’s bar- in the upstairs front room in front plain site. I have a multitude of problems, so I only work 8-12. (Friday’s are half days at my work anyway, and it’s actually better there than at home.(For instance my fatigue caught up to me and I managed to take a break -unpaid of course- and then decided to continue working for the remainder of my shift off the clock.)) It definitely wasn’t there this morning, and since I had offered the Hershey’s bar to my younger brother yesterday and got a resounding “NO ONE LIKES HERSHEY’S!!” From him, I figured he did it. I was the only one home, so I took his fake dagger he had made with my dad’s help a year or two ago with my dad’s help. I proceeded to go about my day as usual until my father ended up finding one of the candy bags I had last night that still had candy in it in my brother’s room. I ended up confronting him latter about it, then ended up getting mad at him for how he blocked the door to keep people out (he didn’t block it at the time). My dad comes down, I go back up. My mom ends up saying he would put the wrappers in the trash, and I hadn’t looked in the bathroom. I noticed the blade on the table, took it down with me, and all hell broke lose. It culminated with me in the bathroom corner, just trying to explain and got yelled at very harshly by my dad. He tried to force me out, and very nearly slammed my head into the toilet bowl.

I just came here for the music. I don’t belong to any fandom -at least I don’t identify as any. I don’t listen to songs that swear. If there is one thing you take away from me, It’s that you shouldn’t confine yourself to only a few genres or artists. Find a random song that you think might be cool? Listen to it before discarding it.


I have a long story in my head, that’d be why any playlists don’t make complete sense.

A guy/boy trying to find their way in the world. 

Bᴜʟʟʏɪɴɢ😠? Tʜɪɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ'ʀᴇ sᴏ ᴄᴏᴏʟ😎? -Tʜᴇ ɢɪʀʟ ʏᴏᴜ ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴄᴀʟʟᴇᴅ ғᴀᴛ🙍?... Sʜᴇ ɪs ᴏɴ A Diet🚫🍪. -Tʜᴇ ɢɪRʟ ʏᴏᴜ ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴄᴀʟʟᴇᴅ ᴜɢʟʏ🙎?... Sʜᴇ sᴘᴇɴᴅs ʜᴏᴜʀs⏰ ᴘᴜᴛᴛɪɴɢ ᴍᴀᴋᴇᴜᴘ 💄ᴏɴ ʜᴏᴘɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ ᴡɪʟʟ ʟɪᴋᴇ ʜᴇʀ. -Tʜᴇ ʙᴏʏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛRɪPpEd🙇?... Hᴇ ɪs ᴀʙᴜsᴇᴅ ᴇɴᴏᴜɢʜ ᴀᴛ ʜᴏᴍᴇ🏠. -Sᴇᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ᴍᴀɴ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇ ugly sᴄᴀʀs👱?... Hᴇ ғᴏᴜɢʜᴛ ғᴏʀ ʜɪs ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛʀʏ🚩. -Tʜᴀᴛ ɢᴜʏ ʏOᴜ ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ғᴜɴ ᴏғ ғᴏʀ ᴄʀʏɪɴɢ😭?... Hɪs ᴍᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ɪs ᴅʏɪɴɢ😷. -Tʜᴀᴛ ᴋɪᴅ ʏᴏᴜ ᴊᴜsᴛ ᴍᴀᴅᴇ ғᴜɴ ᴏғ ғᴏʀ ʙᴇɪɴɢ ʙᴀʟᴅ👱?...Hᴇ ʜᴀs ᴄᴀɴᴄᴇʀ👳. -Pᴜᴛ ᴛʜɪs ᴀs ʏᴏᴜʀ sᴛᴀᴛᴜs ɪғ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴀɢᴀɪɴsᴛ ʙᴜʟʟʏɪɴɢ🚫. I ʙᴇᴛ ᴍᴏsᴛ ᴏғ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴏɴᴛ ʀᴇ-ᴘᴏsᴛ🌟 , ʙᴜᴛ I'ᴍ sᴜʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴘᴇᴏᴘʟᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴀ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ ᴡɪʟʟ.❤️❤️❤️

Log:
December 2nd, 2024:
Today was great in the morning, but when my little sister got home, things quickly spiraled into darkness. I decided it would be a good idea to sit in the bathtub and have the faucet slowly filling it with ice cold water. 

Log:
December 28, 2024:
Still kicking. Heh. Don’t know why I keep going, but I do. I guess I can’t do it to my family(?)… no, that’s not it. I just… I still have things left fighting for.

Log:
December 29, 2024: 
If all goes well… Goodbye.

Change of plans, it took too long and my ‘walls’ are back up.

"Down to make a deal?"

✧༺♥༻✧
꥟ addicted to some roblox games: 
•Block tales 
• [spread the love] grace
• forsaken

꥟ fandoms:
• Bfdi (especially tpot) 
• forsaken obv
• block tales
• Let him go
• crk

꥟ favorite characters:
• dealer (one, tpot) 
• spawn addict (two time, forsaken) 
• nightshade lover (Azure, forsaken) 
• imagine getting hit by a car(sorry, not sorry, broken spawn, let him go) 
• drunk jester (shadow milk cookie, crk) 
• ice cold like else (cruel king, block tales) 

THANK YOU FOR 1.9 k FOLLOWERS OMFG??😭💜Not a bot lol 🤡 I just post very often.

(I post these audios for my personal use so please exuse the "weird" names i give them. Its just a way I remeber what the audio is.)

Still cant find what keeps me here

Prox_09