Evening Reflection

United

I still remember being ten or eleven years old and listening to this one in a student recital in the conservatory. Great times!

Robert Schumann: Album Für Die Jugend Op. 68 - 2. Soldier's March

We've all asked "what if" questions about our life: What if I had majored in art instead of business? What if I had let my best friend know I liked her as more than a friend? What if I had taken the job offer in Colorado? Sometimes contemplating the imagined possibilities of these alternative histories fills us with sharp pangs of regret.

My guest today says that's not necessarily a bad thing. His name is Neal Roese and he's a professor of psychology and marketing and the author of If Only: How to Turn Regret Into Opportunity. Neal and I begin our conversation by unpacking how asking "what if" is to engage in something called "counterfactual thinking," and how you can create a downward counterfactual, in which you imagine how a decision could have turned out worse, or an upward counterfactual, where you imagine how a decision could have turned out better. Neal then explains why living without regret isn't actually that healthy, and why even though regret is an unpleasant feeling, it can be an important spur towards greater improvement, action, and agency. We then do get into the circumstances in which regret can become a negative force, before turning to what Neal's research says are the most common regrets people have in life. At the end of our conversation, we pivot to talking about how imagining how your life could have turned out worse, can make you feel happier. 

Get the show notes at aom.is/regret.

#620: How to Deal With Life's Regrets

Everyone feels under greater psychic pressure these days, but we adults hope that children, who have always been seen as naturally resilient, have been spared the stress. Unfortunately, kids are increasingly experiencing mental health problems like anxiety at younger and younger ages, and this trend has been going on for years. 

My guest today wrote a cover article for The Atlantic on the causes and cures of this phenomenon. Her name is Kate Julian and we begin our conversation today by describing the extent to which problems like depression, anxiety, and even suicide have been on the rise among children, and how these issues correlate with continued problems later in life. We then talk about the possible causes behind the increase in childhood anxiety, and whether technology and social media are to blame. We then delve into the idea of how parents are perpetuating their children's anxiety through their own anxiety and their willingness to make accommodations to keep their kids calm and happy. We get into the idea that getting your children comfortable with being uncomfortable can inoculate them against anxiety, and end our conversation with a discussion of whether more exposure to the news of a tumultuous world might actually make kids more resilient.

Get the show notes at aom.is/childhoodanxiety.

#621: The Causes and Cures of Childhood Anxiety

Many dream of leaving the city and all its tethers and obligations and creating a simpler, more independent life farther from the mainstream population and entirely off the grid. But how do you go from that daydream to making such a move a reality?

My guest walks us through the process today. His name is Gary Collins, he made the leap himself and now lives off the grid in Northeast Washington, and he's the author of several books on off grid living as well as simplifying your life. We begin our conversation today with why Gary decided to leave his conventional, urban, 9-5 existence to find a freer lifestyle, and how he defines being off the grid. We then get into why Gary thinks you should make the move to living off the grid in a series of steps, the first of which is to simplify your existing life in three main ways. Gary then makes the case for why living in a RV should be the next step in your journey, before discussing the process of finding land for your off grid home, and the factors to consider in picking a locale. From there we get into how those who live off the grid take care of water, sewage, power, and internet, how they construct the house itself, and what to know about the start-up costs involved. We end our conversation with a discussion of getting off the grid in a more metaphorical way by quitting social media, and why Gary thinks you should pull the plug on those platforms, even if you're an entrepreneur.

Get the show notes at aom.is/offgrid.

#622: How to Simplify Your Life and Get Off the Grid

War is a violent and bloody business, but it's rarely a no-holds barred free-for-all. Instead, codes of conduct that determine what is and isn't honorable behavior on the battlefield have existed since ancient times.

My guest today explored these various codes in a book she wrote during the decade she spent teaching at the United States Naval Academy. Her name is Shannon French, she's a professor of ethics and philosophy, and her book is The Code of the Warrior: Exploring Warrior Values Past and Present. Shannon and I begin our conversation with the pointed questions she used to pose to the cadets she taught as to how being a warrior was different than being a killer or murderer, and when killing is and isn't ethical. She then explains how the warrior codes which developed all around the world arose organically from warriors themselves for their own protection, and how these codes are more about identity than rules. Shannon and I then take a tour of warrior codes across time and culture, starting with the code in Homer's Iliad, and then moving into the strengths and weaknesses of the Stoic philosophy which undergirded the code of the Romans. From there we unpack the code of the medieval knights of Arthurian legend, what American Indians can teach soldiers about the need to make clear transitions between the homefront and the warfront, and how the Bushido code of the samurais sought to balance the influence of four different religions. We end our conversation with the role warrior codes play today in an age of increasingly technologized combat. 

Get the show notes at aom.is/warriorcode.

#625: The Code of the Warrior

We typically don't think much about how we structure a conversation. We just sort of wing it and hope for the best. But my guest today argues that all conversations -- even the small and mundane -- can impact our ability to lead, influence, and connect, and ought to be approached with thoughtfulness and intention. 

His name is Daniel Stillman, he's a consultant, author, and podcaster, and in his book Good Talk: How to Design Conversations That Matter, he draws on his background in design to show how we can use the principles of design thinking to improve the quality of our exchanges. Daniel and I kick off our discussion by unpacking the defaults of conversation people often fall back on. Daniel compares the structure of conversation to an operating system, and we turn to how we can improve this conversational OS, beginning with the way we invite people into a conversation with us, and why we shouldn't just ask, "Can we talk?" We then get into how we can improve the "interface" of our conversations, by recognizing the influence that space and place have on them, and choosing the right environment for a particular dialogue. We end our conversation with the options you have for responding when it's your turn to talk and how to deal with the gaffes we all make during conversations, and the feelings of regret that frequently follow.

Get the show notes at aom.is/conversationdesign.

#634: How to Design Conversations That Matter

Asilah

ABOUT THIS ALBUM:
“Sketches” is a fully improvised solo piano album.  Several of the songs were completely improvised during the recording process for this album and several were inspired by my “Monday Morning Improvisations” series on YouTube.  This was a very challenging album project for me and it was a lot of fun improvising and writing songs on the fly for this album.  It was also fun to relearn some of the previous improvisations and let those evolve during recording.  I hope you enjoy the music on this album as it comes from my inner well of creativity and straight from the heart.  

My “Monday Morning Improvisations” series is a collection of improvs that are recorded “first try, first take”, where I record and release an improvisation on the spot every week.  The entire collection of “Monday Morning Improvisations” can be found on the Michele McLaughlin YouTube channel.


SONG CREDITS: 
1.  At First Sight - (inspired by Improvisation #1)
2. Hope - (improvised and created during recording)
3. One Life - (inspired by Improvisation #15)
4. Waiting - (improvised and created during recording)
5. The Traveler - (improvised and created during recording)
6. Farewell Little Love - (inspired by Improvisation #75)
7. Forever Yours - (improvised and created during recording)
8. The Right Choice - (inspired by Improvisation #8)
9. The Long Night - (inspired by Improvisation #76)
10. Relief - (improvised and created during recording)
11. Home At Last - (inspired by Improvisation #68)
12. Lost - (inspired by Improvisation #28)
13. Unshakeable - (inspired by Improvisation #25)

SPECIAL THANKS:
To all my listeners and fans, friends and family, and those who personally helped with this project… thank you!  You mean everything to me.

TECHNICAL CREDITS:
All songs improvised, composed, produced and performed by Michele McLaughlin michelemclaughlin.com 
Piano & Recording:  Michele's Home Studio in Salt Lake City, UT on her Fazioli F278 9' Concert Grand
Mastering & Engineering:  Joe Bongiorno at Piano Haven Studio in Sedona, AZ pianohaven.com 
Album Design:  Matt Strieby at New Leaf Design newleafdesign.com
Manufactured at Diskmakers www.diskmakers.com
Copyright ©2020 All Rights Reserved (ASCAP)
www.michelemclaughlin.com

#622: How to Simplify Your Life and Get Off the Grid

The Art of Manliness