Here's the first official soupy selects mix from your friendly neighborhood Martian!

Soupy Selects: 10 Vegetable

Two metal plates placed nanometers apart in a vacuum inexplicably attract each other due to quantum fluctuations. This proved vacuum energy is real—and weird. Some theories suggest our universe exists in a metastable "false vacuum" state. If it decays into a "true vacuum" (a lower-energy state), a bubble of destruction could expand at light speed, rewriting physics and obliterating everything in its path. 

Presave

VACUUM

By Carl Butterfingers, ESEF News

BREAKING NEWS: In a scandal that has rocked the music industry, or at least the three people who still care about credits, a man was apprehended last night clutching a Best Producer award that, shockingly, did not belong to him. The suspect, known only as "Dava," was allegedly the ghost producer for Doctor Printer, the drum and bass superstar renowned for his iconic releases of stylized Instagram photographs with his hands in the air and pre-recorded sets that move crowds to tears.

Our investigative team revealed how Dava the Ghost Producer slipped through the industry’s so-called "security measures", all thanks to Bobbi "The Gatekeeper" McAllister, the self-proclaimed "arbiter of real music" (who, it turns out, couldn’t spot a ghost producer if they haunted his own playlist).

When pressed, he added, "Also, I was at a rooftop party when I listened to it. The bass sounded great over the speakers, so I figured, ‘Why overthink it?’"

Sources reveal that the award was mistakenly given to Dava after the jury, comprising of two Spotify algorithm engineers and a man who once DJ'd at a wedding, believed that the people who actually create the music should receive the credit.

"This is an outrage!" declared an anonymous industry insider (who may or may not be Doctor Printer's publicist). "In today's music landscape, producing a track is the least important part of being a producer. What matters is owning a UK passport, a small family loan of £1 million, and a farm of Eastern European ghost producers working in shifts to launch your album on mainstages while you post gym selfies."

Doctor Printer released a statement: "I am shocked—SHOCKED—that anyone would think I don’t make my music. Next, you’ll tell me my Instagram poses aren’t spontaneous. I stand by my artistic vision, which is mostly pointing at the crowd and occasionally tweaking a filter knob."

Award Jury Spokesperson: "Look, we just assumed the guy with the laptop was the intern. Our bad. We just work here." Or we were just doing our jobs?

Dava: "I just wanted my mum to be proud of me for once." (He was last seen applying for a UK visa.)

When the jury mistakenly gave Dava the award, Bobbi the self-appointed guardian of "real music" was shocked, not because the wrong person won, but because he didn’t even know Dava existed.

Wait, there’s a real producer behind Doctor Printer?" Bobbi reportedly asked. "I thought he just, like, vibed in the studio while his team did the work?"

When reached for comment, Bobbi simply said: "Look, if Dava had have just tagged me in an Instagram story with 🚀🔥💯, maybe I would’ve noticed. But no, he had to take the hard road. Amateur mistake. The award needs to be revoked."

After the scandal broke out, Bobbi tried to spin the narrative: "Look, ghost production is just collaboration with extra steps… and money… and no credit's Dava should be grateful for the exposure!" He then allegedly offered Dava a consolation prize: a repost on his "Underrated Gems" playlist (which has 47 followers, 12 of whom are bots).

The Bigger Problem: Why Was Bobbi in Charge?
Sources reveal Bobbi’s qualifications for being a gatekeeper included:

- Owning a pair of "studio-grade" headphones (that he mostly uses for podcasts)
- Once getting a co-sign from a DJ who later turned out to be a literal ghost (long story)
- Using co-working spaces, paid for by his trust-fund
- An unwavering belief that "if it charts, it’s art"
- An unwavering belief that all his friends will chart

Meanwhile, the scandal has ignited a firestorm in YouTube comment sections, where armchair critics are doing what they do best: comparing everything to something else.

This is Carl from ESEF News reporting, reminding you: if you’re not cheating, you’re not trying.

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ESEF

"Pancir" is a Slavic term, meaning "body armor" or "bulletproof vest".

PANCIR

Any kind of logic, function, expression, or theory based on the work of George Boole is considered Boolean. Boolean domain is a set consisting of exactly two elements whose interpretations include false and true. 

BOOLE FUNK

The stolen Hadden device (clearance code 9), retrieved by a malfunctioning Sodyn YES military model code 4, has been successfully recovered.

The model was eliminated and retrieved after a 10-minute chase through the center, while utilizing device nine against the pursuit. It is not known how many witnesses recorded the event. Still, the chase was successfully channeled through the factory's side street, Onoma 32, all the way to Siro 443 in the Satechi prefecture to minimize the leak of confidential event. The Body was intercepted on 442 to 443, disabling the fugitive's legs via a remote chase car-controlled impact. Although the fugitive was incapacitated, the chief inspector Ito Sorayama emptied his magazine, killing the model on site, opening an additional investigation into Sorayama's motives for such action. 
The conversation between Sorayama and the model remains unrecorded/unknown.

The speculations circle Sorayama's involvement in a data express investigation when a fight-torn humanoid body of a girl was discovered at the bottom of the Hallasa building, who died from a fall after a similar conflict between two unknown parties in Old Taipei 2.
What connects these two cases with Sorayama is that these two models, code 4, are from the same discontinued Taiwanese series.

The investigation now involves a few HDDN operatives, and after board approval, HDDN had no choice but to commence the closure of the Reflektor operation and delete the assets.

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FORCEFIELD

The divine oven was there. They weren't following us, they were following the cube...

FROZEN WIND

BILLAIN & MAGNETUDE - GLASS FORTRESS

Mare Nubium /ˈnjuːbiəm/ (Latin nūbium, the "sea of clouds") is a lunar mare in the Nubium basin on the Moon's near side. The mare is located just to the southeast of Oceanus Procellarum.

NUBIUM SLAP

Avoider - Tunnel Vision/Venture [Forthcoming Black Inferno Records]

Abducted LTD presents:
NEXT GEN v3 ft 4mulate Avoider Bizarro Daitek HANM KS MarsPluto Sephiroth stomp Velos
Release Date: November 20th 2017

At Abducted we pride ourselves in finding those up and comers that bust their ass and put in the extra effort that shines through in the works they present to the world. We started the concept of the "Next Gen" series to proclaim to the world that these are the artists we see as the next generation of superstars in the world of Drum and Bass, and this LP may just be the strongest offering of the series to date. 9 tracks of pulse pounding, dark, evil techstep that will infect any system they are played on. Next Gen v3 is here, and we suggest you take notice. These guys are bringing some serious weight!

Avoider - A World Like Ours (Abducted LTD) [OUT NOW]

Signed to:
@ Abducted LTD
@ Close 2 Death Recordings
@ Dirtbox Recordings
@ Renegade Hardware 
@Shadownet Recordings
@ VTO Records

For Bookings or any other information email: davidservice93@outlook.com
Follow my facebook: https://www.facebook.com/avoiderdnb
Follow my twitter: https://twitter.com/AvoiderDNB

Avoider - Tunnel Vision/Venture [Forthcoming Black Inferno Records]

Avoider

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