BUY BEATS

Hiphop Church

Your new best friends share all the dad dicks they've encountered over their lives while enjoying some quality TV time together.

Episode 2 - Dad Dick

Your new best friends discuss the finer points of peeing their pants while enjoying some quality TV time together.

Episode 3 - Waterworld

Lyrics:

On a cold night with a blood moon
His intuition comes to 
A dead stop, his knees rock
Fingers numb his face hot
He stands up, and barely walks 
To a box, and his head drops 
He looks inside
Seeing and now knowing what it holds
Reconciliation grim, it’s now or never bold
He musters up his guts, and gives a touch
Oh fuck hes cold
Staring down at the man he looked up to long ago
Life can be a motherfucker, on paying you whats owed
And death is just that little brat, not doing what it’s told
‘who-gives-a-shit’ moments that you never took to heart
End up being checkpoints in a game you can’t restart
I hope the other side has got the greenest grass for you
Cliches I say to help the pain, so fake and yet so true
No human being has ever died without ruining somebodies life. 
I tried to tell you so many times, Now I'm stuck with all these fucking rhymes
Our time here’s a freak show, and maybe there’s a sequel
And if there is I hope it’s great, like a Dark Knight on Judgment Day 
And if you're there now save me a spot
I'll see you later, but maybe not.
It doesnt matter now, if it's true
Cause I got so much shit to do
All those things I had for you, still stuck inside my head
Waste not, you would have said, I’ll tell the world instead
So Buckle up, I’m drilling, filling everyone with dread
Take all this shit off my hands so I can go to bed
Here me now
You are not who you think you are. You are something so much better. 
You are not who you think you are. Your shit is not together 
Nothing you do ever matters, until you say it does.
No fight of yours will be a win, until you say it must
And all my bullshit won’t convince anyone of this 
It’s just a nudge. A gentle shove. Move with or stand against.
Cause I made my mind up, I will never know anything for sure
And to hear them scream they know it all, gives me pity for the church
Ears plugged with years of sludge, well heres a few Q-tips
From me to you, it’s yours to choose, use them if you wish

See what offends me is you're so sure about your opinions that they’ve transformed to facts within your mind and now another human being comes along that for all intents and purposes is a fucking clone of you and they have the “audacity” to doubt your mythical facts so you just automatically dismiss them because of your all knowing truth. Fuck that. Question everything. Especially yourself. You owe it to the world to admit that you’re just as stupid and dim and wonderful and beautiful as the rest of us. And fuck any tradition that tells you things don't change. That is all they have ever done.. So do us all a favor. Open your mind wide enough to see that a shove can be a nudge. And a grip can be a hug. The only thing that is forever true is your ability to move. So do it. Or move aside so we can get to it. It’s not like you’re not invited.

Perspective is a saving grace depending on the shade
Dont push your afterlife on us just take it to your grave
Question everything you see, especially yourself
Change can reawaken you, tradition can be hell
Give in to an unknown truth, and listen to the youth
God is love, and that’s enough. For me, I hope for you.


Produced by Austin Ruhstorfer at River City Studios Grand Rapids MI

Thoughts and Prayers

Lyrics:

Wake up no alarm blare got no pants and no plans man don’t stare
But even if you do, today I wouldn’t care
In fact, you’re kinda cute, dawg, get over here
Hah, take a poop next
Make a group text
Send a meme to my team what?
New best
Got zest like my hands on a fat girls thigh
Blessed like the words on a black church sign 
Cause 

Hook: I’m (I’m I’m I’m I’m)
Feeling way too damn good
To be me so I’ll be somebody else
Someone that could never have a doubt about themself
Cause I’m (I’m I’m I’m I’m)
Feeling way too damn good
To be me so lets be somebody else today
Now I’m Wolverine and you’re Jean Grey

In my gray jeans you can’t make me 
Do anything, you got that Lady?!
I scream as I lean out the shooter side
Freaking out the uber guy
One of us is super high
Take a guess and I bet you get it right
Hook a Louie at the light
Two more blocks then a right (Yup)
Jimmy Johns, Gimme Lunch
With the card, double punched
Sit down, drink sip, kettle chip crunch, Now I’m 
 
Hook: I’m I’m I’m
Swallowing this sub whole
Yeah, no time for chewing
I got a day full of play and some doubt to ruin because
I’m (I’m I’m I’m I’m)
Feeling way too damn good
To be me so I’ll be somebody else
Someone that could never have a doubt about themself

Walking out, See a bum, looing rough needing some
Money for the bus, bruh, that’s enough (Yup)
Here’s five bucks, good luck, please just
Make a promise to your boy
You’re getting drunk (Yup)
Here here, no fear with a cold beer
Toast to the bros that most won’t go near
So happy, it’s disgusting
The world is my nut
And I won’t stop busting
So come and play with me
Slay hate with me
Let’s fuck around and be the people we were made to be
For a minute lets forget all the tedium
There’s a creature inside of you and it’s time you were feeding him
(Hey)
You hear him calling? Look alive, it’s your chance
Suck it up, strut your stuff, do a spin, shit your pants
(spoken) Hah, just kidding man. You don’t hafta shit your pants about it. . .to feel happy haha. . . . . omigod he’s doing it . . .wow.
Good for you dude
Could be you too if you lose the fools that bruise
Choose the mood that grooves
Oy Oy
Impossible to be annoyed
Mi case es donde estoy
Feeling easy and breezy 
Like a Sunday morning Summer loving
Knee deep in sheets, I’m kissing
Pissing off someones husband
Gave her dick that’ll last her life
Then I did it twice
Now I got a fat girl fight 
Now I’m 
Hook: I’m I’m I’m
Watching these fat chicks fight

Omg  Ladies please
You know I hate to run
Wait a second baby girl
Tell me where’d you get that bacon from?
I’m I’m I’m I’m 
Feeling way too damn good
To be me so lets be somebody else today
Now I'm Rick Sanchez, where's Morty?



Credits: Licensed to 20dollarbeats.com

Day Off

Lyrics:

Catagoracle: On some 10-ply shit

Hey, I don’t really know quite how to say this
But ever since I met you I’ve been feeling kind of vacant
It’s almost like our love is just a Rent-A-Center payment
Cause even though we got it, there’s no telling if we’ll make it

Hook: Deep breaths and Beat Chest and Decompress
Friends saying: Give it up, she’s a mess
They mean no offense, they’re just cajoling with it
Baby, cause if you’re a mess, I’m rolling in it.
Tell me how to smother something so strong?
Maybe with another fucking love song
Just another love song. . .yeah

Yeah, just another sorry something
Back and forth you got me running
Shackles off and still I’m coming
Definition of a woman
A super human being
Makes you happy as you bleed
Grabs her shit and leaves 
After lapping up your seed
She’s a lost dog with a second home
Feels good to let her in 
But good luck letting go
Tell me how I see your face and hear a song?
Goddammit, it’s true
Another case of beer gone
Yeah, thats me handling you

Hook: Deep Breaths and Beat Chest and Decompress
This is not a plea from me for you to leave him
I just needed you to know, what I”m feeling
You and me together, couple fucking degens
You’re too good at this, it’s almost like you’re cheating
Like you’re cheating, Fucking Aye, Okay
--Okay it’s almost like every night
I’m just stuck in complacency
Got me re-reading texts
Like, “How the fuck aint she dating me?”
Yeah I get it, He’s a safe bet, Cool, you do you
I’ll just be over here waiting baby,
Looking like 7 2
Your number one side guy
Fall-back bitch
But if you pushed in your chips 
I would snap call that shit
Quick
Can you even explain to me 
How you say you’re in love with me
As you run out the door
Before he finds out you’re fucking me?
NO!
I didn’t think so
Get your shit and leave those
Memories we made before we fell into a sinkhole!
Cause Imma need em where I’m going
Don’t you even think of showing up
Jesus Christ, What the fuck
Just Come back to me!
And I’ll let ya hurt me for eternity
I’ll thrash inside your tractor beam
And bask in the catastrophe
Then drift into the nether
Til I get me something better
Be my devil that was heaven sent
Never sold, only Lent


Credits:
Artist: Clams Casino
Album: Instrumental Mixtape 2
Song: Palace

Lent

Lyrics:
Don’t know who I’m yelling at I just wanna sound cool
Like saying I fucked your mother in elementary school
Naw, it probably wasn’t true, but what the fuck could you do?
If you’re calling me a liar, I’m calling you a Jew
That’s a catch 22 2 Dicks Dicks Jew Jew
Remember when everyone used to call each other Jew?
I do, yeah you say it’s anti-semetic
Cause you a stupid motherfucker
Bet you can’t even spell it
I-T look at me while you suck on my excrement
Nut up in your butt just for the fuck and the hell of it
You a usual suspect, I’ll ruin ya just yet
Stephen Baldwin called and said you’re fucking irrelevant

Hook: Who I’m(You) Yelling at?(Deep Voice?)
Got no clue!
Who I’m Yelling at?
Got no clue!
Who I’m yelling at?
Tell me who you’re yelling at?
Bitch, fuck you!

Everything I do is better, Everything I say is clever
Every girl I screw is wetter
Britney, Shelley, Kelly Heather
Never, is when you’ll ever be capable
Man, shut your lips up your face is so rapable
Check your ego bro, thats where your owie be
Take a number please, cause I got me a lot of these
Mediocrily mocking me, Get the fuck off my property
Shooting hoops on my soccer team
Dr. Suess versus Socrates

You’re a blip on a bitch fit
I’ll wipe my ass with your shit list
Bruh, I’m a porn, you a nip slip
Tell me, is that your dick or a big clit?
Because, Honestly I can’t tell
Promise me you dance well
Scared of everything around you, Howie Mandel
Softer than coffee filters, I’m flossing way off the kilter
My frosting is awesome they say my semen taste like vanilla
And it’ll kill ya. . . . 
 I’ll jostle your Sister
Your whole bloodlines mine, call me Joshua Hitler

Hook: Who I’m yelling at?
Got no clue!
Who I’m yelling at?
Got no clue!
Who I’m yelling at?

Break: (spoken) Full transparency my last name isn’t Hitler obviously  It’s 
I’m  sick of these bitches trying to 
Verbally challenge me, yeah keep thinking it’s possible
Last person who did it, spent like a week in the hospital
With their confidence shattered they asked the doc whats the matter
You got your rap jibba jabba from watching Yo Gabba Gabba

Are you mad? Are you stressing it?
Are you shook cause you still watch wrestling?
You can’t even stand next to me
Won’t get half of the best of me
I’m a special needs kid
You don’t wanna keep testing me!
. . .See what you bring to the table
Is a spoon full of fables
I’m serving truth from a ladle
My lyrics stable and fatal
Yours are prenatal in cradles
You can try til ya die
You will never be able
I’m True Blood Bitch
You’re just Anne of Green Gables
I’m True Detective
Your still Anne of Green Gables
I’m Game of Thrones Bitch
You're fucking Anne! Gables!
Because my flow is HBO
And yours is just basic cable!


Credits:
Original Artist: Donald Glover
Album: Camp
Song: Bonfire

Dead Memes

Lyrics:


Me lamo Osh Kosh Big Josh
Spitting that pish posh
Grinning while dicking her raw
Pissing and shitting ya off
No kidding, not even a litte bit
I'd watch that fucking mouth or my dick is going into it
You’ll never be rid of this
Steady heavy belligerence
My lyrical ignorance
Licking everyones clitoris
I’m hype for them titties are you wet for my fat balls?
Skype with a pussy
Rob Bliss that’s a cat call!
Unstoppable Juggercock
Groin first, coin purse
Fuck if I cum or not
Ejaculate overstocked
I’m shooting for thirty blocks
Immaculate burst call my first kid, dirty sock
Man, that shit’s disgusting right?
Tell me about it, it’s the stuff that keeps me up at night
Fuck with me and I will ruin your day
With gratuitous play, call me Louie C.K.
Cause I grab my penis you can watch me jerk it til I'm calloused
Testicles, full of malice
Best go get me Alice
You know, because she’s wondering where it land
Jizzum just hit the fan
I dare ya to shake my hand
Been (been) Sick (sick) Since (since) Birth (birth)
Flick a sticky syphylous dick and then I go to church
No obvi apologies, my philosophy sodomy
Off a bridge if you follow me
Fist pumping, dry humping 
Chicks at the Dollar Tree
Kids who listen to this probably suck at Geometry
Brink! DVD playing gripping ya D D’s
Prick a miniscus, I’m kicking crippling Bees Knees
Fucked (fucked) Up (up) Butt (butt) Stuff (stuff)
I’ll make you sick and love it
Then I’ll break your dick in public 
Goddammit!
You can’t manage my grammar damage
My daggers are staggering slacker faggot
You’re average
You’ll never get the hang of this
You’re just frantically dangling
Like a fucking piece of shit
That my culo is strangling
Stop the movie, so that I can cop the booty naturally
Swapping cooties, now I got my cock into a Natalie
Bras strewn all through my pussy getting factory
Cosby suing me because I’m ripping off his strategy
What (what) The (the) Fuck (fuck) Josh (josh)
It’s a bad joke you idiot chill, Blame Hannibal
Lecter, not Burress cause Imma Dexter you murderers 
My adventures in Ferguson
A menacing denizen, Mister Wilson I’m daring ya
Here’s a taste of your own medicine
I’ll swear I’ll be fair to ya
With a pipe to your brain I’m rearranging things
Crazier days your way, Phineous Gage
Gotcha on the street corner
Sign saying “gimme your change”
Watch your momma cry because you don’t remember her name
Yeah, I’ll hammer your family, yes I’m busting up crack rocks
Suck on my fat cock, you buttfucking mascot
You’re out of place, Myspace
Sleep on the asphalt
I’ll eat your fucking face, I’m not even on bath salts


Credits: 
Original Song: Banana Clipper 
Artist: Run the Jewels

Fake News

Lyrics:

On a cold night with a blood moon 
They hear pray tell come soon
A crazed beast with typhoon 
Saliva on your iTunes
   Heads down in their fake news 
But Still they slowly make room
Pitchforks. Here take two
Hes a bitch dork that hates you
   Now in earshot, they hear Josh
Preceded by a great boom
Dear God it cant be true!
Fear not! For it's only doooooom
  Now like a special needs demi God
A fat, white broke Fetty Wap
Like liquor through your netti pot
He spreads his limbs and belly floooooooooppppsss




Produced by Austin Ruhstorfer at River City Studios Grand Rapids MI

Botched Baptism

our 1st ep. of the new year. Rome wasn't built in a day, folks!

Episode 6 w/ Josh Courtnay *disclaimer* Victoria is not a dentist

cat·e·go·ra·cle
/ˌkadəˈɡôrək(ə)l
adjective
unambiguously explicit and direct.

Mission Statement:

To deliver a sermon of categorical truth as seen from behind the lense of a man constantly questioning everything, including himself. To articulate through rap and prose, gesticulate through rhyme and jokes, illustrate the minds decline from the great divine to the Mighty Woke. I must be heard.

Botched Baptism

Categoracle

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