grinning

if you want to read what’s bellow feel free if not it’s fine
I was just feeling very depressed so i wanted to write it somewhere





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[The worst day of my life]


am i falling to a void? maybe
is it good or bad? I don’t know
this “thing” that i feel is it worthlessness? or is it hopelessness? I don’t know either but one thing that I’m sure of is that I’m still falling

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I remember now, that… day… the kind you’ll never want to remember but something always make you go back to that… day… you can’t escape from it and you will never be able to, that’s your “fate” because “HE” decided it.

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I woke up that day feeling happy, went to school, and then came back home, i did my homework, and then i went out to play with my friends until 7pm, then came back home and i went to eat with my family at the table.
It was a “happy day” still but soon after it wouldn’t be anymore. I remember EVERYTHING, the blood, the heavy breathing, the tears, the vomit, the sleeplessness, the shadows, the voices, how my “life” as a 9yrs old came to an end…..


(wait am i remembering something wrong? Friends?Family? Voices? The blood? From who? Who was i crying for? I know him right? Who would i cry if not someone that i know, but do I actually remember who they are or not? I wanna think that i do… but… what are they like, how do they look, what were they for me, a friend? a sibling?
a parent? or everything? I don’t know, even though i wanna know i can’t do it anymore i’ll never be able to.)

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this is weird i seem to have forgotten something.
a face… wait a face? they have a face but how did it look like?

ah… i get it now that’s why lately I’ve been feeling so sad, it’s because of that I don’t remember that face anymore… 
oh… i-i-i’m actually crying I thought that felling didn’t existed more within me but it seems that i’m wrong, is the reason they’re “haunting” me because I’ve forgotten their face it has to be right?.

maybe I deserve it right?
it’s been almost ten years from “that” day and i still haven’t been able to move on
but… what do you think i could have done, they were the light of my world, the sustain of my world, they bringed joy and happiness to my world, so… isn’t obvious that if such person disappeared i would be lost right?

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I expected my life will be better if someone helped me
but… no one… no one helped me not even what I considered my family, my sister? she lives her own life, for her i’m just a “sibling” that she can lie about and say to her friends that she’s a “good” sister, but when i needed her help she didn’t do anything, i even begged to her to help me and still nothing.
my mother the one that should always do something for their son… and what for why do i have a mother for if she’s not going to help me, she always makes me remember and tells that her life would have been better if I didn’t live and i know it’s true and that’s painful… really painful

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but it’s fine it’s always fine right? yes that’s right i just need that to come true and she can rest in peace


but before that i’ll try to live a “happy” life even though the feeling “true happiness” doesn’t exist for me

Before you end up reading this i wanna ask you something.


Do you think i’m still falling into a void?


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2007/09/13—XXXX/XX/XX
1992/11/26—2016/07/16


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"Иногда я смотрю на луну и задаюсь вопросом, смотрите ли вы на неё тоже"
Я больше не хочу жить.
✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧⋄⋆⋅⋆⋄✧
f4f
I can picture the end.
𝓔𝓿𝓮𝓻𝔂 𝓽𝓲𝓶𝓮 𝓘 𝓬𝓵𝓸𝓼𝓮 𝓶𝔂 𝓮𝔂𝓮𝓼 𝓘 𝓹𝓻𝓪𝔂 𝓘 𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓸𝓹𝓮𝓷 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓶 𝓪𝓰𝓪𝓲𝓷
𝓘 𝔀𝓪𝓷𝓽 𝓽𝓸 𝓵𝓮𝓽 𝓰𝓸 𝓫𝓾𝓽 𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓻𝓮'𝓼 𝓷𝓸𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓵𝓮𝓯𝓽 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓶𝓮 𝓽𝓸 𝓵𝓮𝓽 𝓰𝓸 𝓸𝓯
Now that your dead, it hurts
⋆˚｡✴︎𝒲𝒽𝑜 𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓁𝓁𝓎 𝒸𝒶𝓇𝑒𝓈⋆✴︎˚｡⋆
ᵢ'ₘ ₒᵤₜ ₒf ₜᵢₘₑ ᵢ'ₘ ₒᵤₜₜₐ fᵤcₖᵢₙg ₜᵢₘₑ
·:*¨༺ 𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕨𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕗𝕚𝕟𝕕 𝕞𝕖 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕚 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕨𝕙𝕖𝕣𝕖 𝕥𝕠 𝕝𝕠𝕠𝕜 ༻¨*:·
ᵀʰⁱˢ ⁱˢ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵃʳᵗ ʷʰᵉʳᵉ ᴵ ᵗᵉˡˡ ʸᵒᵘ ᴵ'ᵐ ᶠⁱⁿᵉ, ᵇᵘᵗ ᴵ'ᵐ ˡʸⁱⁿ'
ᴵ ʲᵘˢᵗ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ʸᵒᵘ ᵗᵒ ʷᵒʳʳʸ
ᵀʰⁱˢ ⁱˢ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵃʳᵗ ʷʰᵉʳᵉ ᴵ ᵗᵃᵏᵉ ᵃˡˡ ᵐʸ ᶠᵉᵉˡⁱⁿᵍˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ʰⁱᵈᵉ 'ᵉᵐ
'ᶜᵃᵘˢᵉ ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ'ᵗ ʷᵃⁿᵗ ⁿᵒᵇᵒᵈʸ ᵗᵒ ʰᵘʳᵗ ᵐᵉ
The thing is, I cared. Apparently, that was never enough. I was never enough.
I hate my body,
I hate my face,
I hate my legs,
I hate my lips,
I hate my eyes,
I hate my stomach,
I hate my nose,
I hate my hair,
I hate my arms,
I hate my hips,
I hate my teeth,
I hate my smile,
I hate my voice,
I hate how my brain works,
I hate my everything.

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grinning

i tried you tried who tried