Rap battle series created by Commander Jacob which use chracters and match-ups he's personally interested in (aka a lotta geek shit)

Lame-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Lame-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of bird games abandoned by their owners: Red from Angry Birds vs Mr. Crow from Catastrophe Crow. Enjoy!

@freshykanal as Red
Commander Jacob as Mr. Crow
@sw4nked as Chuck
@superthingsoncupsss as Bomb
@snakebite126 as the Jays

Written by Commander Jacob & GamingPlush64
Mixed & mastered by GamingPlush64
Beat produced by Anywaywell
Crow model by El Stephono

-LYRICS-

Red (0:09)
I thought the pigs’ plot was enough to make me pissed off
But now I gotta fling hot disses straight off the slingshot
We stay protecting kids way before they frickin' hatch
Fitting that this little brat came from a baby’s chicken scratch
You have, like, 20 vids, there’s no way you can catch up
I got raps up my sleeve, while your sleeve is just wrapped up 
Your cartridge and Daddy will stay old and grey
Loner strayed, flew the coup, and never stayed to raise his precious golden egg

Mr. Crow (0:28)
I see you, Red. I’d tear apart your cardinal sins
But we can bond over the crow language it’s clear your bars were in
Or maybe not, after your latest failures, I observed that
Your servers must have been cursed bad by the evil Sir Cat!
Those absurd raps are calling me to stay and work at
A verse that can take you down so we can’t see these birds flap
I stack hits like blocks, show you an L, and tower you
Lemme just lay this down if I gotta spell it out for you
While I respect protecting your nest from turning into a bed and breakfast 
Your tactics lack any sense of direction when flinging heads into wreckage 
You got rich from your title? 
Your only golden shower nowadays is piss from your idol!

Red (0:57)
Your word vomit couldn’t even keep my chicks fed
He won’t be home ever again after that shit’s wrecked
We get money like Hal; our green’s coming around
I’ll put you down - 6 crows feet under the ground
I stay squaded up. Yo, Jay, Bomb, and Chuck
Let’s show this winged black sheep why they can’t flock with us
Chuck (1:11)
Ugh, speedy time, you weakley swine! We can rhyme with an eagle’s might
But maybe translating your 800 languages can come out with a decent line
Bomb (1:16)
No teddy bear to cuddle with, you can’t get your dad back
You weren’t even worthy to get stuffed in a bear’s backpack
The Jays (1:21)
Get Butchered, no Adam. We’re sick when we’re splitted
Attacking and rapping, we’re killer in triplets
Red (1:26)
When I’m spitting off the bill, no way you can get through to me
I’m knocking over all your builds and breaking down your Unity
Cause me and my boys got the skill, destruction isn’t new to me 
So if you wanna talk to Nils, stop using your community
We’ll die a martyr just to stop the piggie’s punk shit
At least write to Marta before you run away and jump ship
Fuck demon cats, development’s you’re only hell now
The only flight you've taken is the staircase you fell down
Nothing your fans theorize will make Thea rise
So now Lorenz himself will eternally need to be revived


Crow (1:50)
You dumb shits, thrown at the wall to see what sticks
You lucky mother-cluckers should be glad ya landed one hit
Both Rovio and Opus didn’t know what they were asked for
I took it to the depths, you took it off the App Store
You wanna bring a squad in? Face a murder of crows
To checkmate your flock of pawns and submerge 'em with flows
I’ll pop your whole arsenal and I’ll leave with three gold stars
The last nail in my coffin? I’m breaking free with each crowbar
No one’s wanting (ugh) all your cash-ins (nah)
All they wanted was to make you zip through blocks
You were launching (eh), now you’re crashing (ouch!)
Made some bubble games, and that shit went pop
Not talking PCs when I clip your head through a window
Your money bag-headed developers ain’t enough to scare this crow
It’s no sweat ending these legless and armless balls
The least hard thing I’ve gone through is a concrete wall
Your player’s gone too, now that you’re off phones
2 birds, 1 throne. I’ve finally gone home

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Angry Birds vs Catastrophe Crow | Lame-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Lame-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of color-swapped clone stalkers: Herobrine, spirit of the brother of the creator of Minecraft, versus the Mario Silhouette, castle wanderer found in personalized copies of Super Mario 64. Enjoy!

Mr. Tibbs as Herobrine
Commander Jacob as The Mario Silhouette 

Written by Commander Jacob
Mixed by Fightmarker
Beat produced by InsaneBeatz
Feedback by GamingPlush64, Mr. Tibbs, bloody_queers, Zagranis, Fightmarker, etc.

-LYRICS-
Herobrine:
See me in the distance? Hope those star doors stay shut
I don't want Piranha Plant biting off me more when we wakes up
I got the godly flows to diminish distant cosmic clones
I’ll make it red when I slam your head against the cobblestone
White eyes with a wide bite but I ain’t no Chain Chomp
Mr. Sit and Watch can picture what to do when his frames drop
Bark at me, my sword will chop like cutting leaves from a tree
So don’t run up on me, I've got a whole overworld under me

MS:
I see yooou, and I’ve tracked your plans to spit bars hot
But walk in His Domain? I‘m swinging hands like Tick Tock Clock
Painful like stained glass windows. Funny: Brine’s in a pickle
Stunting with the all-black fit, though you just changed couple pixels
I’ll make you black out. This wound you can't patch out
I’m jumping this painting. No retexturing, he’ll just crash now
I’ve had it up to the fourth floor. You've been here too long
Your fans are like you: minors who can’t move on

Herobrine:
Shadow Mario’s shadow hardly flowed in a way worth considering morbid
I'm sending this bitch through a portrait and burying him in the Fortress
Or bringing some torches and burning your boring-ass lore before you start running
I'm making pyramids up and appear and they pass the polygonal palace you’re stuck in
If you're talking about design, why would I cut out the lights
Darkness surrounds you, right? So how could you count as bright
Fuck your cryptic text. Think I'm scared when you display that?
I'm the type to slash kill, but not in a game chat

MS:
Players see you, they know you're there, and even screenshot
I bust their cartridge and make their CRT screen shot
You muck with streams while I run their dreams
Bowser has to take a sub to me. YouTubers use you just to say “sub to me”
Trap you in the walls so it blocks the rhymes I can’t stand
Try stealing coins. I catch that? Start shifting out; sand land
Potions and teleporting ain’t enough to catch me, my friend
Encounter me and see a void meaning you’ll meet your End

Herobrine:
All this glitch can offer is one wiki that’s vacant
Your hip-hop’s softer than MIPS in the basement
This AI without the I cant reach my level, just try
Mock me one more time and I’ll default skin you alive
You’re running in circles. I can do this all day
Read the signs: please die quietly in the hallway

MS:
I wish your knock-off novels were your only words hurting my eyes
But I'll make sure this eulogy's Persson-alized
Mr. 2 bit isn't even cared about by their own kin
Someone must be shooting up… but there’s no Hero win
Mama-mia! You’re not worth comparing Luigi to
Obsessed with griefing others cuz your brother never greaves for you

Thanks for watching
-ComJac

Herobrine vs The Mario Silhouette | Lame-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Lame-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of Barry's who found meaning in their lives when taking flight; Barry Steakfries, main character of Jetpack Joyride vs Barry Benson, main character of the Bee Movie. Enjoy, and happy April Fool's!

King Mewtwo as Steakfries

Zawesome as Benson

- LYRICS -

Welcome to another Barry vlog, I hope you're excited
We got a bug who couldn't score close to a B minus 
Warburton should boot whoever wrote your shit
I can hear Jerry in the booth like “wHaT’s ThE dEaL wItH tHiS sCrIpT?”
Film companies don't gotta kick into high gear
Cuz DreamWorks' fly bee won’t see any Buzz for Lightyears 
Which Barry will bury the other? No discussion
Probably not the one who hits on his own cousin 
When I'm dripping on him, he'll drop like it's rain water
Found a granny and decided to swat her? Get smacked with a swatter
And you murked Winnie? Where’s this geek's morality
Oh wait, you're the one who put the “bee” in beastiality

I'll carry this on my back cuz I'm plane amazing
When I'm done you’ll really run endlessly this time
But according to all known laws of aviation
There’s no way that a bee… could be this fly!
Adam, relax; he’s not a human. I’m correct
Cuz he’s built like a mini-fridge and dude don't have a neck
You Halfbrick half-wit, imma smack this fellow
Sweater reppin the east hive; black and yellow, black and yellow
Here's your last crossover for you to exploit for cash
You must get along with your dog cuz you got stale in a Flash
Ya like when I'm jazzed up or are you getting peeved
Man, look at your jacket, you got nothing up your sleeve 

Joke about my sleeves? Now your fun’s stopping
Cuz this shotty on my back ain’t the only guns popping
I won't be lying! I'll beeline past your bee line, you slacker
… if I say “bee” more will you end faster?
Cannon's blasting, there's no use hiding under cups
Dude told a girl "you didn't kill me, now I'm dumb in love"
Strong Arm Machine! Without S.A.M. I’ll still fuck you up
Keep eating Cheerios, I’ll be making your Honey Nut
Wanna go to court? You’ll be sentenced to life with
Charges of ruining flowers and a shitty Xbox tie-in
Here's the only way you'll ever be that hot
Call you Cardi Bee Benson with that Weak-Ass Plot

Funny you mention breaking up couples
Cuz while you were riding your bird, I found your girl up on Bumble
I’m that ballin’ pollen jock, but you can hop off of mine
“Steakfries” is right with your medium and salty rhymes
But lemme really break it down ‘til this guy is frownin’
He ain’t a Steakfries, his real name is Friesenhausen
Cuz mommy wanted a Gareth but mistyped, and now his
Whole life he got a name you sound like a troglodyte pronouncin' 
What's the Age of these Zombies selling you for a fast buck?
The most legit thing about you is where you stole your pack from 
Here’s one more stinger so you get the point, guy
You’re so tired out; I'll call you Jetlag Joyride

Written, directed, and beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Beat produced by William Davies
Mixed by Fightmarker (w/ help from Freshy Kanal)
Feedback by JustGamer, GamingPlush64, Fightmarker, and the spaceship

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Bee Movie vs Jetpack Joyride | Lame-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Lame-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of animations of a character simply moving forward… one a bit happier than the other; former meme icon Nyan Cat vs lost episode creepypasta Suicidemouse.avi. Enjoy!

garbageGothic as Cat
Commander Jacob as Mouse

- LYRICS -

Suicidemouse: 
Haha, well hi there! I'm sure the kids wanna see me snapping
But we have so much in common! I’m also… Really Happy
Want some space? You’ll have nowhere to scream to
How am I to speak to this little half-bit Miku?
Maybe I’m a bit grumpy, but this feline brat
Was a stupid meme making everyone past the age of 9Gag
Putting on a sombrero? Thinking that we’ll laugh at it?
Cringe is the one culture you appropriate on accident

Nyan Cat:
I'm just being derpy! but it came to a frickin’ halt
By a rat so revolting, he’s not even kept in the Disney Vault
Whatever Walt did, he lost it like Maltin
And fathered in all cringe lost episodes that’ve dropped since
Maybe it’s because no one’s given you the right design
That you’re always in a Funk, and not just on Friday Night
Lie down, gramps! I’mma grab the black and white chalk
And trip you when I lay this down like I’m paving the sidewalk
Kitty versus rodent? They cheer the very moment
I'm on screen and I'm shown with that pixel rainbow
Your story has no focus. There's no film left to roll with
I can end your psychosis. Want death? Just say so
I was made for charity, is that so bizarre?
No need to waffle around, we see how Tacky you are
You’re hand-drawn, but your ink game’s completely wack
But don't come step into my world, you’ll just re-Relapse!

Suicidemouse: 
Think you can shock me? Funnily,
You can’t go hard on someone who finds the concrete they’re walk on comforting
You can’t fill my shoes, let alone try a mile
And with a mind so vile, I have the wider smile?
I’ll be transparent, that’s what AVI just have to do
Seeing sights of hell wouldn't make your viewers come back for you 
I do this with my arms behind my back.
I'm real. Cut it out. Either way, everything in your sight’s turning black
Fuck a pastry, I’m actually closer
To sticking your head on a fork and shoving that in the toaster 
So stay on-guard. Your tiny paws might grab a glock, scarred
Then this sweet Pop-Tart might get his brain popped hard
And your missus? Your mind's missing if you think I won't be mean to her
Mortimer will mortify much more than a meteor
The spirit of her should've left you at the cliff
So the strawberry could splatter and "SpReAd ThE hApPiNeSs"
If being lol random’s your whole identity
When I put an X over your eyes, it won’t be next to 3
Plus, all that good will? Feeling like a friend to tweens?
Went straight to the void just cuz you had to make an NFT

Nyan Cat:
(... awkward)
I’m sure you think you hit a nerve that’s depressing
But I guess, at best, old cartoons are known for projecting
I’m throwing shade, you should deal with it and rest
If you think you can't be Slicker, that's exactly why Minnie left
Gun? Gas? Found a tree to hang on it? None of those ways stopped shit?
She really stripped your happiness, call that a rage comic
You’re not gonna leave a little dent on my bliss
Or kinda come close; Treasure Island
Think screaming loud gonna do a lot?
You’re just gonna wind up broken like your music box
You’re a Deadmau5 without knowing how spin shit 
Dirty, out-of-pocket; like your old syringes 
You’re intimidating? With the way you are
I induce more fear when I’m saying “rawr”
For a Disney short, your story’s such a slog, bro
So what I think you meant is real buffering is not known

Written, and Suicidemouse beat produced by Commander Jacob
Nyan Cat beat produced by Yusha
Suicidemouse originally played by Cri
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Feedback by The Spaceship

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Nyan Cat Vs Suicidemouse.avi | Lame-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Lame-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have a battle of bulky versions of fat characters; MX of the fan-made horror game Mario ‘85 versus Peter Griffin, but specifically the version of him in Fortnite. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as MX
https://www.youtube.com/c/CommanderJacob

Chaotic Rap Battles as Fortnite Peter
https://www.youtube.com/@ChaoticRapBattles

-LYRICS-

MX (0:14)
Hey there champ! Here’s a lesson, cuz I know dude’s dense
Roman numerals; see me and it’s too tense 
Piñata Brian? Think you look cool with that thing?
When I bash it and break it, a brace can be your next Back Bling
(Hahaha!) Tell Lois she better glance now
She’ll only see your face with the other clouds in the background
Kids going in debt for V-Bucks with credit cards
Is the only way innocence gets you far

Peter (0:34)
Guess I’m the pizza guy; I’ll make you drool from this round
You got too many teeth; I’ll put a tool in your mouth
Yeah! The ratchet’ll make this ugly and it ain’t even Meg
You’re really rapping with some dogshit; D-MX (what!)
Screw Stewie, I’m off of the fat shit
I’m shooting when someone Snooty Steppes into my mansion
Aim a .5 at ‘85, it’s too late for rebrandin’
This PC port's gonna glitch when the MAC clicks

MX (0:55)
Meowscles tried to make you mad swole
You gave up so hard, you should put your shirt on this flagpole
Without the old Slurp Juice shrinking your pants size
How could you escape? You wouldn’t fit in the damn pipes
In The Society you’re what, 5th wheeling?
So I’ll melt your fucking skin if you’re tryna get Peely
Your old fights? This one’s incredibly different
Cuz now you’re the chicken and it’ll end in an instant
f you got a shotgun, why do you need to poorly scope in
I'll run this level back and forth… you're still reloadin’
Post-nerf, you’d need hundreds of your medallions
They’ll know the exact location your body can be found in
Seizure got you foaming at the mouth; guess you can’t make the leaks brake
I’m hurting you more than some knee pain
False Hero, not Mario. You’ll heat up with how dark I go (wahoo!)
Witness my true form if you really want the smoke

Peter (1:35)
A short horror game that’s 8-bit?
This reminds me of the time when everyone else did the same shit
I’ve gotta wonder; damn, how’d they conceive ya?
Someone saw the Sonic version and ran… out of ideas
Want that hammer back? I’ll blam your temple!
Momentum drops as you flicker out: Super Mario Bros. Special (hehehe)
If FNF was anything to be informed by
You're any day of the week, I'm the whole fortnight
Smack you with my butt scratcher; got an itch, guy?
Carry-All kinda types of straps, I’m clicking when the clip's dry
But I got muscles; I could take you in a fist fight
So what I'm asking is which type of arm will make this bitch die?
Your big update added 1-2 and that’s it?
Jeez, must’ve bashed your head through too many bricks
My knee’s one thing, but your always getting your ankle rolled
Herbert! That’s what you get for obsessing over 8 year olds

-CREDITS-

Written, directed, and beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Additional writing help by Dilly
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Beat produced by 2Deep

Feedback by Danii, Dilly, Fightmarker, Freshy Kanal, TheMonarchy, TheBabyBeef, 01Tyler10, and the spaceship
Shoutout to Luke Reardon, Swizkii, and Zawesome

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Fortnite Peter Griffin vs Mario '85 | Lame-Ass Rap Battles

Welcome back to Lame-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have randomly-generated rectangles; Steve and Alex from Minecraft vs the YouTube channel Webdriver Torso. Enjoy, and happy April Fool’s Day!

Danii as Steve
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@SwaggyFlan
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/453EGjLZcGifTB4Tyjzdgq

TAFox as Alex
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@thatadorablefox
Cardd: https://thatadorablefox.carrd.co/

Commander Jacob as Red Rectangle
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/c/CommanderJacob
Twitter: https://twitter.com/commander_jacob

JustGamer as Blue Rectangle
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@JustGamerRapBattles
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/artist/3n1xhiocXnl8yFsVxb2IqW

- LYRICS -

Minecraft (0:10)
Steve:
Hey Alex, where are the coords we wrote?
Alex:
Don’t need ‘em, I can tell that we’re stepping on two zeros
I thought paintings were flat, but you’re even thinner
Steve:
You're so 2D, why would you have a profile picture?
Alex:
Nice
Steve:
Watching your channel makes lava swimming seem way fun
Forget down, you’re what we’d never dig
Alex:
Straight up!
Steve:
We’ll level you awfully low
Alex:
One body blow quite Hertz
For your sake, get some other audio, Driver

Webdriver Torso (0:31)
You really think you rock with the lines you write?
Cuz what we're picking up is as worthless as diorite
You piss your pants when a diamond shines
Then you cry if you lose one; your mood’s swinging side-to-side
Here’s something to Evoke the sense of getting Vexed
Built a world brick-by-brick and it was broken by a Lego set
Your cycle’s not two-week; the movie trailer though?
If Warner Bros played your game, it wasn’t in creative mode
Plus there's a practice that we're struggling to grasp, and it makes
Our brain more broken than the shield you always have to your face
You stack materials deep in a cave, pickaxing away
Just to make gadgets so that you don't have to actually play

Minecraft (1:03)
Steve:
Spider shit; we’re spinning Web tonight
Only thing Driving through your Torso is Sharpness V netherite
Alex:
Nah, use a bow. While their position’s always changing
Unlike us, with all their shots, they’re still completely aimless
Don’t let a mace in the wrong hands
Steve:
I’ll knock a glitch all the way to the Farlands
Alex:
We tower in numbers, they paid us some large bands
Steve:
Want yours higher? Maybe just call France *old death sound*
Add up all your channels that just copy explicitly 
And an Enderman can still garner more watchtime, admittedly
Alex:
At least a PowerPoint gives you some options for different themes
You got no one in your corner, there’s no Aqua Affinity
Steve:
Damn
Steve and Alex:
Put you to Bed, you’ll get sweaty when War wages
Smashin the rap game; we’re known to control stages
We’ll space and click to cut the “alien speak”
Steve: 
Hey, you know what we should pause?
Alex:
I see the player you mean.

Webdriver Torso (1:44)
Your community regularly has criminals instilled in it
YouTubers reach a peak but can't build limits
If that doesn’t happen, they still form a brainless army
Making us question why they hate Baby Zombies
It’s like you’re cursed; be thankful we were conceived with beeps
You complain, with a high frequency, “updates are a low frequency”
And when they do drop in the game
All you see are more biomes to colonize and mobs to enslave
Crops indicate what you’ve grown to be
A content farm, so to speak, complete with controlling seeds
Our background is darker than some of Steve’s merch, how disheartening 
Perhaps Notch was head of marketing

- CREDITS -

Written, directed, edited, beat arranged, and Webdriver beat produced by Commander Jacob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Minecraft beat produced by Phil Tyler
Additional ambience by Modeaudio

Feedback by Eric the Audible, TheMonarchy, 3ple, itsnugget, SimplyRazzy, GamingPlush64, and the rest of the spaceship
Shout-out to TheBabyBeef, ENNWAY, Fightmarker, and SimplyRazzy

Thanks for listening
-ComJac

Minecraft vs Webdriver Torso | Rap Battle (LARB)

Welcome back to Lame-Ass Rap Battles! Today we have two platforms for casual gamers, one for browsers and one for mobile devices; Cool Math Games vs Google Play Games. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as Cool Math
YouTube: www.youtube.com/c/CommanderJacob
Twitter: www.twitter.com/commander_jacob

TaigaTonic as Google Play
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TaigaTonic
Twitter: www.twitter.com/TaigaTonic

- LYRICS -

CMG (0:12)
Listen Talking Tom, let’s just speed up the chat
I’ll kill a record, you ain’t even up to Scratch
Park it. Whose site’s been driving since ‘97? Not yours
If you bring your bars forward, I’m flipping ‘em like Bloxorz
This Dude’ll Jump to a height he still can’t reach my peak from
I’m your Papa and you just entered the Beat-ya-ria
How’d we get you? This equation should cut it
Me, minus screen size and physical buttons

GPG (0:32)
There can’t be a Way To Die that’s a little bit Dumber
Cuz tryna catch up to me is just an infinite runner
It’s a crapshoot. You came to our platform and your app’s Pou
I have your appeal while not trapped in a classroom
Take the win off your wishlist, don't wanna level up your hope
Barely hanging onto life so I’ve come to Cut the Rope
Tweets and merch about your original game? Great plan!
… it’s still just Hangman

CMG (0:52)
Speaking of: personality. You’re not spelling it
Fireboy and Watergi- kid I’ve been in my element
But no, bro, I can tell you’re proud to be mobile
With your games you put on PC and controller logo
You’re constantly begging for reviews like you’re owed answers
Well here: "one star; iOS with no standards
Or quality assurance." And you’re claiming you’re dope?
Mr. CEO of “you got games on your phone?”

GPG (1:12)
You’re the start but I’m the end of Johnny Upgrade’s coins
E-rated Newgrounds is getting negative Play Points
Clashing our Clans is really asking for death
My brand Game On lock with how it PAX an event (Let’s go!)
I don’t even need Flappy or Red to fuel my Jetpack
Your prominence Bricked! Mine? You can’t get Half
Algebra, Geometry: type of stuff you Dashed from
Still being named “Cool Math” doesn’t add up

CMG (1:32)
The kids behind the screen? Brought their childhood radness
You green hogs are only tryna siphon their cash quick
“World's Hardest Game” for you is not piling ads in
No Candy, Crush you for free, fuck microtransactions

GPG (1:42)
This heat’ll shut you down; that’s a firewall. What I’ve gathered?
I’m not paying premium, but you won’t forget my past words
After you’ve Raided Shadows of Legends for your backlog
I made your numbers leave like your mascot or when Flash stopped

- CREDITS -

Written, directed, edited, and beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Beat produced by Kelly Mac and Ben Fowler of Audio Network
Additional instruments by Splice and Neon Wave

Feedback by GamingPlush64, TaigaTonic, TheMonarchy, Freshy Kanal, RNG, JustGamer, Dilly Scott, Eric the Audible, 3ple, Danii, TheBabyBeef, Powerofdan, and the rest of the spaceship
Shout-out to Mr. Tibbs, Fightmarker, ayjayyy, and Karen Lyn Davis

Thanks for watching
-ComJac

Cool Math Games vs Google Play Games | Rap Battle (LARB)

Welcome to what I guess is the first episode of Lame-Ass Rap Battles! (Pac-Man vs WHG’s getting delayed, sorry.) Today we have a battle of evil artificial clones with Metal Sonic vs DoodleBob. Enjoy!

Commander Jacob as Metal Sonic
GamingPlush64 as DoodleBob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Written by Commander Jacob and GamingPlush64
Produced by Smoke

Lyrics

Metal Sonic:
I’ve my target acquired: a reckless sketch his builder ditched
Aka stick-legged freak spewing epileptic gibberish 
Got a chaotic flow that's aimed at you, well ain’t it brutal?
They put a mic-killing monster against a janky Frankendoodle
Your pencil and place in battle’s number two, so you're in trouble
Reduced to bootleg merch. Now I’m popping your RedBubble
The bad-ass Badnik’s giving him a bad nick and leaving him hurt
Hypothesis: your magic pencil still can’t write out a decent verse

DoodleBob:
You think you’re cool, but you just got me annoyed, boy
So make your next form a better rapper, son of a nyoy nyoy!
Can't stand this toy's noise. Got the slave of aluminum stressin’
But things get sketchy when you enter the Doodle Dimension
Going mach-5, but not even good enough for ‘06, man. You can’t withstand
That a neo nazi’s boutta get damned. Line him up and strike a bowling ball through this tin can
Or I’ll bust out the lead if you tryna gra-fight. So now what?
I oughta call it a draw, Eggbreath already screwed your mouth shut

Metal Sonic:
You act tough, but something you never considered
I’d be more intimidated facing Jellyfish Squidward
You from the shredder or printer? Either way, I’ll have you slashed through
But back to dimensions, your rhymes and design barley have 2
Locate a sharpener if you think on a track you can beat me. Don’t make me repeat
The elite machine will remind you that he was built to be on a CD
Analyzing from all angles: your chance to win’s looking thin
Firearms unrequired; initiating “throw a book at him”

DoodleBob:
Every time you think you’re besting Sonic, you end up dead wrong
I command a doodle army, you stalk and copy a hedgehog
I can tell you don’t lack grit when you rage like a spastic
Didn’t know the position “Bad-nik” was talkin’ ‘bout your rap shit
Forever in Omega’s shadow and forgotten, good riddance
You’re the Terminator if he listened to too much Skrillex
Scrapping this Metallic Madness and putting an end to the race
Because I don’t need the pencil to have your relevance... erased

Metal Sonic vs DoodleBob | Lame-Ass Rap Battle #1

In the 2nd installment of Lame-Ass Rap Battles, we have classic vs modern. Simple vs difficult. Circle vs Square. We have Pac-Man against the World’s Hardest Game. Enjoy!

Alex the Beast as Pac-Man
Fightmarker as World's Hardest Game
Written by Commander Jacob (w/ additional help from Mr. Tibbs, Zawesome, and Freshy Kanal)
Mixed by Light
Produced by Allen Kass

[NEW VERSION] Pac-Man vs World's Hardest Game | Lame-Ass Rap Battle #2

In the 3rd installment of Lame-Ass Rap Battles, It's a battle of the art programs! We have Microsoft Paint vs Adobe Photoshop. Enjoy!

Snakebite126 as Paint
Eric the Audible as Photoshop
Written by Commander Jacob
Mixed by GamingPlush64
Produced by George Georgia of Audio Network
Beat arranged by Commander Jacob
Thumbnail by Commander Jacob

Paint (0:20):
I’m opening the Windows, so scram off of my lawn
Don’t try to rhyme, dog. Even my palette’s a icon
You charge 30 a month for a learning curve that's straight doo-doo
Must've dropped the opacity, I can see right through you
I’ll grab a brush, swap the color: make this kid black out
Because I bet your raps aren’t even a Bitmap-ped out.
I'm the godfather of digital art, there’s no denying me
I’ll get to sinking your ship if you wanna whine about piracy

Photoshop (0:41):
If you'd like to start war, let's open an artboard.
Got a liquefied flow to claim the place that I’ve fought for
Look, like anything made with you, all your raps will fall flat
We’re already two different types. No need to up the contrast
Sketch all the sloppy shapes you want, I’m rocking the house
Your users likely don’t have internet and draw with a mouse
Mark this, my bars got a hardness of eight hundred
You’re even sucking at fillers. I’ll make you kick the paint bucket

Paint (1:02):
Falling flat? Check the thumbnail. You can’t scold me
Coming at me with those lines, you might wanna ctrl Z
Painting skies since ‘85, style pouring like rain
I draw the line on this mic; call me MC Paint (ha)
You can’t mask your overratedness. It’s hurting, isn’t it?
Hold ctrl and scroll up; maybe you’ll find a shit I give

Photoshop (1:17):
I’m known to burn tools when I’m spitting a rhyme
You can’t make a drop shadow, so keep living in mine
Look, you want some layered disses and blending modes? I got plentiful
For programs rough 'round the edges, I’d recommend the feather tool
Masks? I’m clipping you. No brown, but your pallet’s shitty, dude.
Get back to the junkyard. GIMP is less of a bitch to use

Paint (1:32):
You can’t recover from this with a healing brush, how sad
I’ve had more fun using an SNES mouse pad
Use your magic wand to select good lines, ingrate
Or continue making YouTubers’ slimy-ass clickbait

Photoshop  (1:42):
I’ve had to deal with dudes tryna do me like a clone stamp
So let’s crop and slice the comic sans of art programs
That’s how you lasso a win, no way MS Jank beat me
You'd be better off opening a verse in Paint 3D

Microsoft Paint vs Adobe Photoshop | Lame-Ass Rap Battle #3

Home of Lame-Ass Rap Battles, its side series Half-Ass Rap Battles, and maybe the occasional cover of someone else's battle.