ILL NEVER BE A GUY

I'll never be a guy in high-school
I'll never be a guy in track
left to my own devices
when I ask why you look at me like that

my ribs are fucking broken
the third one this week
from binding my chest a little too long 
and wearing it in my sleep

caving into myself
stuck in my own cage
there's no setting me free
if I'm the one holding me in
and tying me up
and screaming my sins 

hearing my bones go crack
see the ambulance is flashing
but it's not for me
it's for her

deadname is one with the sea
but it won't set me free
I just keep drowning
maybe soon I'll drown it out

I'll never be a guy in high-school
I'll never be a guy in science class
never go up to my chemistry partner
and have her ask me for the notes (that I lack)

and yeah my ribs are kinda shitty
but ive been sticking with flimsy sports bras
just to change my figure
scraping at my chest till it's raw

caving into myself
stuck in my own cage
there's no setting me free
if I'm the one holding me in
and tying me up
and screaming my sins 

hearing my bones go crack
see the ambulance is flashing
but it's not for me
it's for her

deadname is one with the sea
but it won't set me free
I just keep drowning


maybe soon I'll drown it out

ILL NEVER BE A GUY

Ragdoll - Demo

i am a lover,
in the forest
hands pressed against flowers.

i am a lover,
in the cabin
heels clicking on wood floors.

and i am a lover of the trees,
i'm a lover of all things

forest lover

i went to the beach in the middle of the night just to hear something other than my stone cold voice
i don’t like the sand cause it gets in my mouth and screws up the words i try to get out
now i sometimes imagine if god appeared in this old ocean lot,
would the sky turn to sweden, where its light when its dark and would it ever start raining

and would spiders crawl back to their homes
would i put my foot down in time or let it survive
i don’t know

i heard from around that you’re done trying to be someone you’re not and i laughed cause i wondered 
who i was hanging around this whole time

were you a stranger to yourself before we were strangers to each other?
or did i just make a bad friend
i remember when ur voice was higher and i could never seem to reach it
i still try

now i sometimes imagine if god appeared in this old ocean lot,
would the sky turn to sweden, where its light when its dark and would it ever stop raining

and would spiders crawl back to their homes
would i put my foot down in time or let it survive
i don’t know
i donʻt know

I Still Try

I said no,
you said "Come on"
Can you hear me?
Can you hear me?

I gave my favorite poetry book to you
I got a card and a therapist
If I'm honest I donʻt think the main problem was you,
But you sure made it worse.
And if I'm honest I still check the bathroom stalls for your converse.

The blood that falls onto your shoulders and your face,
The blood that falls onto your shoulders and your face,
Don't you feel it? Don't you want it gone? Can't you clean it? Can't you get it off?
There's gotta be a way to hide this trick up my sleeve.

They say after a while you start to forget how to face looks, when will that happen to me? When will that happen to me?

Don't you feel it? Don't you want it gone? Can't you clean it? Can't you get it off?

Come On - DEMO

VERY ROUGH

fill me, fill me up,
like we discussed, i'm all trust,
call me a pool, an ocean
full of devotion

when i crash onto your shore
i'm not sure about anything
i'm guessing
i'm falling with the motion

bending over, coming through
like a train i come back to you
like a worker, strong and tough
here you build up all my love

falling fowards, lifting up
like a forest i am stumped
like a yellow-walled kitchen
i want to feel lived-in

you can go to sleep
trust ill be there in the morning
my love is not a performance
here i am knee deep
i wanna be in the flooring
mop me back to you where i’ve seeped

Devotion - DEMO

growing up, trophies
you hated me
or maybe i was just weird
we were perfect in different ways 
you were better at obeying 

like this must be some kind of karma
of course it played out this way

growing up, screaming
resenting me
when did you start wearing tank tops and being mean
when did i stop running my mouth at you

and now im behind and i tried
to be a better brother but u were in Hawaii
and i hate the summer
now youre in LA and i might as well be in Mexico

growing up, i loved math
you hated school
you loved god, i hated church thought it was cruel
to sit for three hours but you sat and i sat in your lap

like this must be some kind of karma
now im queer and you're still a girl

and now im behind and i tried
to be a better brother but u were in Hawaii
and i hate the summer
now youre in LA and i might as well be in Mexico

i know you dont see yourself as human
more like bones and some skin
youre picking men with will the size of two fingers smashed together
i wanna go back to wearing fairy dresses,
hairʻs a mess and itʻs halloween
take me back to the voice recitals and hours of acapella practices, and did u try food mom packeged us?
weʻre our only family
and now im behind . and now iim behind

Better Brother - Basement Version

For the past year, I’ve been wondering
Circling around and forgetting
Forgiving because I forgot,
Hurting and remembering

Pillows full of goat wool and ivy leaves,
Itching my skin, asking you to leave

Watching you sitting on the other side of the couch
I don’t even know if I’m out of my mind
Giving you the benefit of the doubt
Did you want any of this, any of this, any of this?

I know you’re just another human
I can see you in my own reflection
Forgiving because I forgot,
Hurting and remembering

Zero sugar coating what you did
I never told anyone, anyone, anyone
Still don’t know if it’s worth telling
Maybe I'm overreacting

I know you’re just another human
I can see you in my own reflection
Forgiving because I forgot,
Hurting and remembering

Hurting & Remembering

dreamt i was in your house again 
i slept in your bed when you came in 
a sigh on your face "this kid is really something" 
"i love them but they are really pushing this love thing" 
i have been sweet but sweet has given me nothing 
sweet only favors the skin that can hold it and you didn't want the honey i gave 
"im sorry but i dont want a creature that cant show its face" 

Am I a monster to you? 
The way you're a god to me?
Are we holding onto this half-worn beaten fantasy?
Clouds shaped more like guillotines 
Hangover my head like they're judging me 
Watching my broken fists try to shape them into something I know 

Call me if you need a point of view, if you have breaking and taking to do
I took the food from your pantry, I took the clothing you called your own 
What is it like to be so clean? 
I took becuase i wanted to know 
I didn't know the food came from nurturing, didn't know flowers need water to grow 
Didn't know anything trained could be trained with love 

Am I a monster to you? 
The way you're a god to me? 
Are we holding onto this half-worn beaten fantasy? 
Clouds shaped more like guillotines 
Hangover my head like they're judging me 
Watching my broken fists try to shape them into something I know 

Used up and need to be put down 
Miles and miles from my hometown 
Cant teach an old dog new tricks, 
Cant teach it how to be loved 
But i wanna know

God to Me — Demo

ive been looking into many mirrors, trying to find what they see
I pick my skin apart and I pull my hair just to get into me

maybe if i stayed with engineering
maybe if i never got with a girl at 14
if i could tie my shoes with bunny hoops
would you still want me?

you could tell me if i talked too much
you could warn me you’d give up at fifteen
now all we have is walls with no posters
and i think im getting closer to seeing

if i want love i better find it in the corners
the edges and the borders of me
and my mistakes will last me for forever
i see them walking round my room in white sheets

and anything i feel i know its a part if me that wont last forever
moving out and moving on, brush my hair as i pull myself together

Moving Out

I am an angry person,
I don't forgive easily. 
For years I've seen you grow into a person I hate seeing.

I've had people come and go,
I think I'm used to leaving
I wonder why I'm always waiting to say 'bye.' 
to say bye.

I should not hate anyone,
I know that love is not limited. 
I hate that I can't force you to grow,
Because I want you to be, what I want you to be

I've had people come and go,
I think I'm used to leaving
I wonder why I'm always waiting to say 'bye.' 
to say bye

to say bye

Thanks:
-Thanks to my sister Daphne Hampton for helping me out with some of the vocals!! 
-Thank you to my super talented Dad who mastered it all!!
-And thank you to all my supportive friends <3

this song is about mommy issues and autism so please get therapy if u ever have at all enjoyed it thank you xo xo <3

Connor Lālea

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