Death of pride

writing & production: Jane Remover
mixing: Kayla Reagan
mastering: Hector Vega
cover art: Brendon Burton

Census Designated

Cage Girl / Camgirl

For You

I Don't Swim

-Taken from Jesse's notebook, page 59 and 60-

[Brittany saves my life] [01-12-2001]

Today, a woman by the name of Brittany Fielders saved my life. Not so sure why she came up on the roof as I was about to jump, but she was there to talk to me. She told me she noticed me from the Shannonston Bank just across the street from the building I was on. I asked her why she made the effort to come to me instead of just yelling from the ground. She told me that it was better to have a more intimate, one-on-one conversation.

Our conversation was pretty short, but she was able to convince me to stay. I truly didn't know what I was thinking and maybe it wasn't time to give up on the search. I gave her my thanks and I decided to go back home.

A few hours have gone by and I'm still at home, shaking at the thought of making that jump. Brittany has been on my mind ever since I got back home and how she saved me.

[Nate's silence] [01-12-2001]

Before it got dark, I decided to go out to the local park, the same one that Nate and I were before he went missing. It still looked the same. They just added a new swing set at the far right corner opposite of where I was sitting on that day.

The park was empty. The kids that used to play here are older now, so they're probably studying in college or drinking at bars instead of playing on slides or swing sets.

I decided to sit back down on the bench, that bench... I took in the silence as the construction was finally done. Then, I saw a group of people entering the park. They seemed to be in their 20s. Maybe some were 19.

As they got closer, I recognized one of them... It was Nate. I couldn't believe he was still here... alive and well. He definitely looked a lot older now. He had long blonde hair and a beard.

I went up to him with a smile, however he just stood there. He seemed mad at me, like I was the one that did something wrong. Like I was the reason he went missing.

I explained to him how hard it was to not have him around for years and years. I told him my drinking problem, how I had no one to help and how I was thinking of ending it all.

My smile slowly went away. He hasn't said anything. I completely understood how he felt, but I needed to remind him that I tried everything.

I asked him if he wanted to come back home, but he just nodded "no." I completely forgot that he was in his 20s now. I still saw him as my child. I didn't know whether or not I should be sad or happy about the situation. I felt like I missed so much of being a father, however I was proud to see that he was living his own life now.

I gave Nate my apologies and he still kept silent throughout. I wanted him to say something, but as I said, I understood why he didn't want to talk to me. He walked away with his friends...

It took me a moment to get back my composure, but I decided to sit down. Right now, I'm still writing in my notebook as I stay at the park. It's getting dark, but there's enough light for me to see the pages.

This might be the last time I write in here... After what just happened, I no longer have anything to say.

--- 

Green blades 'round your neck
Tell a different story
A drawing on my face
You were alright
And I had a bad dream
You were staring on the carton
I should've gave you
Did somebody else take my place?

Was that your final wish?
Was that your final wish?

No one else to come home to
They all got jobs
And the dog that you loved
Is too old to play with now

I should've stayed to watch you grow over me
I should've stayed to watch you grow over me
I should've stayed to watch you grow over me
I should've stayed to watch you grow over me

Was the child flying away?
Was the child flying away?
Was the child flying away?
Was the child flying away?

Hold Me While I Disappear

lilium

-Taken from Jesse's notebook, page 58-

[Eli, cont...] [01-12-2001]

At this point, I've given up. It was nice to talk to Eli about everything and for a couple hours in the day, the weight on my shoulders was lifted. However, reality hit me... I knew that I was never going to find Nate. I mean, there's a possibility that he could either be dead or living his life entirely on his own. I mean, he would be in his 20s.

My mind went to the only solution I knew: ending it. I've considered doing it ever since Maye was found dead. I felt alone, like no one was there to help.

Right now, I'm standing on the roof of the tallest building in the nearby city... It's definitely not a skyscraper, but I'm sure it's enough to get the job done. I've already written a note at home... Hopefully the wind doesn't blow it away... or maybe it will. I won't be here to stop it from happening.

---

Hold... hold both of my hands
I'll give the signal to jump down
I won't let you go
Until it takes us both

Why would I leave when I could hold you forever?

I made my mind up years ago
If I keep my promise, the doors won't open for the both of us

Why would I leave when I could hold you forever?
Why would I leave when I could hold you forever?

I finally hit the bottom
Loved ones, no longer close
I'll go to where you can feel me
I'll touch you as a ghost (as a ghost)

I'll touch you as a ghost (as a ghost)
I'll touch you as a ghost (as a ghost)

Why would I leave (as a ghost)
When I could hold you forever? (As a ghost)
Why would I leave (squeeze me so I can't run) (as a ghost)
When I could hold you forever? (Squeeze me so I can't run)

descend (when i say)

-Taken from Jesse's notebook, page 53-

[Hearing voices] [11-04-1994]

It's been over a month since I wrote in here, but to give an update, things have been the same. Apparently, there are no leads to where Nate has gone or who took him. I also haven't been in contact with Maye. I'm pretty sure she moved out of the city.

Other than that, I'm also still drinking. It's a lot worse than before. I've been seeing things like shadowy figures as well as hearing things like doors creaking. Today, I heard the voices of both Nate and Maye. I grew a light smile. It felt as if they were still here.

---

The footsteps of an angry child
That just had an argument with his mom
The sound still bounces around the walls of this home
Even though none of you are here at all

Oh, how I miss the constant running around
Oh, how I miss the constant running around
Oh, how I miss the constant running around
Please come back and run-a-run around

The door to your room that hasn't been opened in weeks
Leftover rotten food that I've been too afraid to eat
I set up the fishline and have a drink or two
Just to trip and tell myself that it was you

Oh, how I miss the constant running around
Oh, how I miss the constant running around
Oh, how I miss the constant running around
Please come back and run-a-run around

I wanna hear you through the walls
I wanna hear you through the walls
I wanna hear you through the walls
I wanna hear you through the walls
I wanna hear you through the walls
I wanna hear you through the walls

Oh, how I miss the constant running around
(I wanna hear you through the walls)
Oh, how I miss the constant running around
Oh, how I miss the constant running around
(I wanna hear you through the walls)
Please come back and run-a-run around

melting grounds

The 1

another day

time will pass u 2

I cut you out of my life
You wanted peace of mind
I tried to hide you
I tried to hide you
I won't blink until you notice me
I'd never sleep when I can't be with you
I want to think of when you looked at me
I never thought you'd end up with someone else
I thought you'd wake up when I cried your name

I thought you'd wake up when I cried your name

I thought you'd wake up when I cried your name

2. cried your name

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2. cried your name

comfort of the unknown