Old songs

Intelectual Masturbations

Music for the Labyrinths
Videos+Sound+Poesia+Performance 
Imagenes sonoras y poeticas

Musica para los Laberintos

Tres

A song created a while ago, recorded at UC Irvine by the magic Ross Whitney, with the voices of Crista Lopes and Ariadna Schultz.

Libertad sin Pajaros

A cycle of 7 songs based on the Poema del Cante Jondo by Federico Garcia Lorca. From my student's times. Voices of Noa Frenkel and Yolanda Riera

Lorca's Songs:  Despues de Pasar

The fifth one, also from Poema del Cante Jondo de Federico Garcia Lorca. This one with Noa Frenkel, Yolanda Riera and Cecilia Arellano, singing, and Gloribel Hernandez in speaking voice and scratching guitar.

Lorca's Song: El grito

The sixth one, also from Poema del Cante Jondo de Federico Garcia Lorca. This one with Yolanda Riera singing solo.

Lorca's Song: Sorpresa

The seventh and last one, with Noa Frenkel, Yolanda Riera, and Cecilia Arellano. Thanks girls!
All of it recorded in a church in Amsterdam thanks to the Concert Zender Radio. http://www.concertzender.nl/

Lorca's Song: Memento

Poema 89 de Crónicas Schevingeanas o Scheveningian Chronicles, de Cuca Esteves
Con Ilein, cello
Pueden comprar el libro en español en Valparaíso Ediciones http://valparaisoediciones.es/tienda/poesia/498-cronicas-schevingeanas.htm 
Pero también en Amazon y todas las librerías de España.
The book in English is coming soon.

Vitrage
LXXXIX


She suggested that we put vitrage
on the kitchen door
so people who use the hallway"
could not see us.
But I say:

                     NO

I don't want vitrage.
I want to be able to look out
and see
           the plants
                        the patio
                                    the animals
                                                the rooftops on the skyline,
                                                            the chimneys
                        the wall from the back building
                                   the light of the sun reflected on it
                                    changing colors
                                    depending on the seasons
                                                    on the weather                                                     
on the time of day 
and I don't want to miss any of that
                      those sunsets
                      those violet clouds
                      those greens
I want to be part of it all
                      to absorb it
                                 and fly 
                      into the infinite sky.


Vitrage (Spanish)

Ella sugirió que pusiéramos vitrage  
en la puerta de la cocina
así la gente que usa el freeway
no nos puede ver.
Pero yo digo:

                       NO

No quiero vitrage.
Quiero poder mirar afuera
y ver
            las plantas
                       el patio
                                    los animales
                                                los techos en el horizonte,
                                                            las chimeneas
                        la pared del edificio de atrás
                                    la luz del sol reflejada en ella
                                    cambiando de colores
                                    dependiendo de las estaciones
                                                           del clima
                                                           de la hora del día
y no quiero perderme eso
                    esos atardeceres
                      esas nubes violetas
                    esos verdes
quiero ser parte de todo                     
absorberlo todo                                  
y volar con todo                       
hacia el infinito.

Vitrage Poem 89 Bilingual

These are poems 36,37 and 38.
XXXVI

I went for a walk on the beach
with the wind blowing against me, hitting me in the face 
tears streaming down, 
I felt the salt water in my ears.
That wind comes from who knows where
who knows what roads, what seas, what unknown lands it must have crossed.
            The sea to my right
            the lighthouse to my left
            the harbor entrance straight ahead 
at night with only distant lights visible 
some lost in the darkness
others outlining the boulevard, 
the city… so many lights,
I walk in the blackness over the wet sand 
as I let out a scream                         
	and say good-bye.


XXXVII

"She" is a poem by Juan L. Ortiz

Papá  introduced me to the work of poet Juan Ortiz this summer in Argentina. The concept of time as a treasure, not something to hoard or take advantage of, but rather, to enjoy, to experience its passage, to feel it in action and to marvel at it.
I yearn to be like Ortiz, but I end up being quite the opposite. Escaping, running and ultimately, not enjoying anything. Caught in the struggle with everything.             
	Allow it to unfold.
            	Give time, time.

XXXVIII

The beach, the wind,
dry sand flying low
over wet sand,
a super galactic passageway
a force of nature;
I balance my weight  
standing at an acute angle suspended 
against the wind.

The Beach Poems 36-37-38

XXXVI

Me fui a caminar a la playa

con el viento en contra pegándome en la cara 
las lágrimas chorreando hacia los costados, 
sentía el agua salada en mis orejas.

Ese viento que quién sabe de dónde vendrá

qué caminos, qué mares, qué tierras desconocidas habrá atravesado.

            El mar a mi derecha

            el faro a mi izquierda

            la entrada del puerto hacia adelante 
en la noche en que sólo se ven las luces 
algunas perdidas en la oscuridad

otras marcando la línea del Bulevar, 
la ciudad, demasiadas luces,

y yo camino en la negrura de la arena mojada 
mientras dejo salir un grito                         
y el adiós.

XXXVII


“Ella”, poema de Juan L. Ortiz

Papá me hizo conocer a Juan Ortiz este verano en Argentina. El tiempo como tesoro, pero no para acapararlo y tomar provecho de él, si no para disfrutarlo, para verlo pasar, para sentirlo en acción y alucinarse.

Y yo quiero ser como Ortiz, pero termino siendo todo lo contrario. Escapando, corriendo, y no disfrutando nada. Haciendo todo con esfuerzo.             
Permitirle que se despliegue.

            	Darle tiempo al tiempo.

XXXVIII


La playa, con el viento,

la arena seca volando bajo

sobre la arena mojada,

un súper corredor galáctico

una fuerza de la naturaleza;

balanceando mi peso en ella

me suspendo en ángulo agudo contra el viento.

Playa Poemas 36-37-38

An interview with Patricia Cardona at DutchBuzz radio show in Den Haag FM (22/11/22). We talked about writing in several languages, poetry, music, Den Haag, Scheveningen, being a migrant, "desterrada", and many other things. Here are the lyrics of the two songs they played: Te Dejo Ir (I Let You Go) and Aquel Desgraciado (To That Asshole)
Te dejo ir

Te dejo ir, te libero
Te dejo ir, te libero
Como hoja en la corriente
que se va lejos de mi
Como hoja en la corriente,
que te lleva.

Te dejo ir, como nunca antes quise
Te dejo ir, como nunca antes
Me silencio para que no te lleves mis palabras
me silencio para que no te las lleves tampoco. 

You know, I still love you,
You know, I’ll always love you, 
Even though I cannot say it anymore
Even though I cannot say it,
Se rompió. 

So now, I see them go,
So now, I see them go,
All of them, recuerdos en el mar de California
All of them recuerdos, flotando. 

Las olas se los acunan, los abandonan
Las olas se los llevan, los abandonan
Los dejan caer en la profunda oscuridad
Los dejan caer para llorar para morir. 

You know, I still love you,
You know, I’ll always love you, 
Even though I cannot say it anymore
Even though I cannot say it,
Me da vergüenza. 

A aquel desgraciado

Aquel de entonces me mira desde la foto 
que viene en el CD nuevo que me compré
con esa cara de hijo de puta.

Y qué se le va a hacer, 
si eso es lo que es,
no tiene arreglo. 

No le digas ni le menciones mi nombre
porque te va a putear. 
La  bruja me puso el tipo 
cuando le arruiné sus planes allá en Suecia.

Y qué se le va a hacer, 
a un desgraciado como vos
alguna vez también le toca.

Era bandoneonista en un cuarteto
bastante bien sonaba, yo diría.				
Los seguíamos 
sus grouppies subdesarrolladas
hasta un bar de Barracas
donde chupábamos hasta el amanecer
sorprendiendo al sol comiendo pizza en algún parque. 

Y qué se le va a hacer
se es lo que se es
y no tiene arreglo. 

Terminamos odiándonos, 
despreciándonos, maldiciéndonos a la distancia.
Yo en Paris, él en Estocolmo, 
anclado ahora por culpa mía, o suya, 
por haber sido un pelotudo y confiado en una mujer.

Así que si lo ves, contáme cómo anda, 
pero no me digas la verdad, si le va bien, 
mentime y decime que es un desgraciado,
que no tiene amigos y que ya no toca,
que está perdido en algún cuartucho
tomando güisqui y aspirando cocaína hasta reventar.

Y si te animás, 
decile de mí,
pero te advierto, 
te va a putear.
To That Asshole 

That guy from the past looks at me from the photo
-it came in the CD I just bought-
with such an asshole face.

And what can we then do
if that's what he is
there is no fixing.

Don't tell him about me
'cause he's gonna curse you.
The witch, he called me,
when I ruined his plans in Sweden.

And what can we then do,
to such an asshole like you
the turn arrives eventually.

He played bandoneon in a quartet.
It sounded pretty good, I'd say.
I followed them with some girls
-his third world groupies-
to a bar in Barracas
where we drank until
the sunrise surprised us eating pizza in some park.

And what can we then do, 
We are what we are
And there is no fixing.

We ended up hating, despising,
throwing curses through the distance.
I was in Paris, he, in Stockholm,
stuck there, it was my fault, or his,
for trusting a woman in the first place.

So, if you see him, tell me how he's doing,
but don't tell me the truth, if he's doing well,
lie to me and tell me that he's miserable
that he has no friends and doesn't play anymore
that he's lost in some hovel
drinking whiskey and snorting coke until he bursts.

And if you dare
tell him my name,
but I warn you
he is gonna curse.

Radio Interview DutchBuzz 22 - 11 - 22 Den Haag FM

And here is my contribution to the right to protest: On September 16th,  I went to the Extinction Rebellion protest in Den Haag to make a piece for the radio. I was biking past the demonstrations of EXTINCTION REBELLION by the A12 every day. The A12 is the main freeway to get in and out The Hague. I was coming from the woods, and there they were, blocking the road, surrounded by police, chanting, making noise. But, I had to go to work, so I didn’t even stop, only if the red light was on I watched from the corner of my eye. What are these protests about? They say it is to stop the subsidies that the government gives to the big fossil full companies. In short, it is something like this: In the beginning the accusation was that the government gave fossil fuels companies such as Shell, for example, 17.5 billion in subsidy per year. Then, after research by NOS, the official news channel, it came out to be between 39.7 to 46.4 billion euros per year. So, that is what the Rebels are fighting about. On one side, the government talks about fighting big oil, green energy and blah blah, and on the other side, it feeds them.

XR Protest 16-09-2023

Tres are: Anabell Febles in percussion, Ilein Bermudez in cello, and me, Cuca here in voice and foot. I wrote this text in 2010 dedicated to the Asshole (more or less a translation of Desgraciado), and finally got it together with the help of Anabell and Ilein and  Martin Pawlukiewicz, who recorded it at the KonCon (Royal Conservatory of The Hague).  

Letra
A aquel desgraciado
por María de los Ángeles Esteves


Aquel de entonces me mira desde la foto 
que viene en el CD nuevo que me compré
con esa cara de hijo de puta.

Y qué se le va a hacer, 
si eso es lo que es,
no tiene arreglo. 

No le digas ni le menciones mi nombre
porque te va a putear. 
La  bruja me puso el tipo 
cuando le arruiné sus planes allá en Suecia.

Y qué se le va a hacer, 
a un desgraciado como vos
alguna vez también le toca.

Era bandoneonista en un cuarteto
bastante bien sonaba, yo diría.				
Los seguíamos 
sus grouppies subdesarrolladas
hasta un bar de Barracas
donde chupábamos hasta el amanecer					
sorprendiendo al sol comiendo pizza en algún parque. 

Y qué se le va a hacer, 
se es lo que se es
y no tiene arreglo.
	
Terminamos odiándonos, 
despreciándonos, maldiciéndonos a la distancia.
Yo en Paris, él en Estocolmo, 
anclado ahora por culpa mía, o suya, 
por haber sido un pelotudo y confiado en una mujer.

Y qué se le va a hacer
el odio y el amor
se disimulan.

Así que si lo ves, contáme cómo anda, 
pero no me digas la verdad, si le va bien, 
mentime y decime que es un desgraciado,
que no tiene amigos y que ya no toca,
que está perdido en algún cuartucho
tomando güisqui y aspirando cocaína hasta reventar.

Y si te animás, 
decile de mí,
pero te advierto, 
te va a putear. 

A Aquel Desgraciado by Tres

Again, thanks to Tres (Anabell Febles percussion, Ilein Bermudez cello and Cuca, me, here on piano and voice) and to Martin Pawlukiewicz, who recorded us at the KonCon (Royal Conservatory of The Hague) here is another song. Viva Tres!

Llegar A Vos by Tres

And the last for now, but others coming, thanks to Tres (Anabell Febles percussion, Ilein Bermudez cello and Cuca, me, here on guitar and voice) and to Martin Pawlukiewicz, who recorded us at the KonCon (Royal Conservatory of The Hague) here is another song. This one I recorded before, in 2012, but this is a different arrangement. 

Te Dejo Ir by Tres

On September 16th, I went to the Extinction Rebellion protest in Den Haag to make a piece for the radio. I was biking past the demonstrations of EXTINCTION REBELLION by the A12 every day. The A12 is the main freeway to get in and out The Hague. I was coming from the woods, and there they were, blocking the road, surrounded by police, chanting, making noise. But, I had to go to work, so I didn’t even stop, only if the red light was on I watched from the corner of my eye. What are these protests about? They say it is to stop the subsidies that the government gives to the big fossil full companies. In short, it is something like this: In the beginning the accusation was that the government gave fossil fuels companies such as Shell, for example, 17.5 billion in subsidy per year. Then, after research by NOS, the official news channel, it came out to be between 39.7 to 46.4 billion euros per year. So, that is what the Rebels are fighting about. On one side, the government talks about fighting big oil, green energy and blah blah, and on the other side, it feeds them.

XR PROTEST Long version

CHANGE OR WE ARE FUCKED
Read by  Lily-Anne Stroobach from the https://dutchbuzz.nl/ for DenHaagFm, the DutchBuzz show on Tuesdays from 21-22 hours, Netherlands time. 
VOTE THE NASTY WOMAN PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD
Our leaders have abandoned us. We are careering into destruction because the leaders of the world are battling for resources, battling to finish off what’s left. While we, powerless, uninvolved civilians, watch like zombies their killings and their plundering on tv, they ignore the consequences of their actions and inaction. They play make believe.

No doubt we’re going to hell.

For the full post go to The Nasty Woman in Substack https://thenastywoman.substack.com/p/change-or-we-are-fucked

Nasty Woman Change Or We Are Fucked

Esta cancion es de Ana Prada, uruguaya, y canta Anabell Febles, con cuca en piano y Ilein Bermudez en cello.

ADIOS

New Section: Know your Nasty Woman Tutorial
Today, Dreamy Nasty Woman improvising on the piano. Because, remember: Know Yourself.
A new year has started, and I decided to start with a new section, called, Know Your Nasty Woman Tutorial. Because, what the heck, I am not only a Nasty Woman, angry and full of rage, you know. I am many things. And I have to be careful not to be swallowed by the negativity prevailing in this world. Which is not surprising. When the world is becoming a giant machine that tries to control all your thoughts and movements, which tries to impose you a reality, gaslighting you out of your own reality, a machine that tries to impose its truth over The Truth, well, it is not surprising that we are all negative about the future. Climate crisis, wars, pandemics, economic problems, democracy failing, governments failing, God failing or absent, so, I thought, I think it is time to bring other facets of the Nasty woman forward.
Continue reading at the nasty woman@substack.com

Dreamy Nasty Woman Improvising on the Piano

CONDITIONED
The obedient consumer

Introduction:
We are more conditioned by our education and society than we think. Even The Nasty Woman has discovered recently that many of her important life decisions were not the product of careful consideration and the result of following her own heart, but mere conditioning, responses dictated by a moment in history and the beliefs of a whole generation.

Conditioned DutchBuzz Radio 23Jan2024

Last Saturday, I went to a protest about housing here in The Hague. I saw it on Facebook. The title was intriguing: You Cannot Evict Ideas! read the poster. I was interested also because I have seen over the years all the alternative places disappear from the city. 
The demonstration was organized by De Samenscholing, which is an independent, grass roots organization, that were using an old school building in Moerwijk for their activities, but a year and a half ago were evicted, with the promise of a new space from the municipality, but, that space has not yet materialized and it seems that it might never happen: the city Council has voted against additional investment.

CANT EVICT IDEAS PROTEST

On the last 2024 show of DutchBuzz, a radio show in English in Den Haag FM radio, Gracia interviewed me about our collective book of poetry, Voces entre dos orillas/Stemmen tussen twee oevers, with poems by me (Cuca Esteves), Alejandra Darriulat, Alejandra Szir, Mariana Rossa and Mirjam Musch, a bilingual (Spanish/Dutch) collection of poems about the immigration experience. Edited by Ril Editores (Spain), with translations by Carla Zijlemaker, Marjanne Haitsma, Mirjam Musch, Alejandra Szir and Alejandra Darriulat, and prologue by Marisa Martinez Persico.

Interview in DutchBuzz radio Den Haag FM about Voces entre dos orillas 2024-12-17

(See comment bellow for LYRICS/ ver la letra en el comentario debajo)
These songs are in search of a singer or/and a producer. I wrote the songs, but I am not singer, and I recorded them with the minimal things I was left after someone broke into my house in California and stole my computers with Protools. So I used just a portable Tascam 8 track recorder and a couple of nice condenser mics for the piano. The piano is a a beautiful Boesendorfer grand piano, which I  recorded at Egbert Schagen house in Rotterdam. I`am forever gratefull to him for letting me use it for this recording.
The name comes from the Tarot, card XIII, Death. According to the Tarot, the year 2011 corresponded for me to that card, and since I had two friends who died the year before, and important relationships that fell apart, and I said good bye to California last year, well, I thought the name was appropriate. The Travels Through the Hells of Love its a name a bit more descriptive since a lot of the songs have to do with the end of love and relationships, such as Bad Dream, Needy, Open Up, Another Bad Dream, Te Dejo Ir, Bowl of Contradictions. But, many of them are more like reflections on life, my own point of view on things, like Calm Before the Storm, Patterns, Will You Still Love Me?, Creak, Sail Off, Good Bye. 
The song number 13 is my version of Bach two voice invention number 13, in Am, with Jose Perez in drums. He is a heavy/metal drummer so I thought it will be an interesting combination. He is still working on the track, so it will come later. 
What is the style or genre of the songs? That's the problem. They are not easy to categorize. I don't know. Some of them are pop-like, as pop as it can be coming from someone like me who studied 10 years of classical piano and then continued with composition and electroacoustic music, but there is also a chacarera, which is an Argentinean folk rhythm, Te Dejo Ir, which is mostly in Spanish, mostly; there is one which I think it will be nicely done with a voice like a heavy metal kind of stuff, but that also has a rhythm that is very much used for tango since Piazzolla, Patterns; and others that are kind of classical, or bluessy, or a mix of all that. 
These songs just came to me. I didnt intend to write 13 of them when I started. They came influenced by the music of the movie Once, and then they went their own way. The concept was to keep it simple. I hope you enjoy them. Feedback is welcomed.

Calm Before the Storm

(see comment bellow for LYRICS/ ver la letra en el comentario debajo)
These songs are in search of a singer or/and a producer. This is a demo. I wrote the songs, but I am not singer, and I recorded them with the minimal things I was left after someone broke into my house in California and stole my computers with Protools. So I used just a portable Tascam 8 track recorder and a couple of nice condenser mics for the piano. The piano is a a beautiful Boesendorfer grand piano, which I  recorded at Egbert Schagen house in Rotterdam. I`am forever gratefull to him for letting me use it for this recording.
The name comes from the Tarot, card XIII, Death. According to the Tarot, the year 2011 corresponded for me to that card, and since I had two friends who died the year before, and important relationships that fell apart, and I said good bye to California last year, well, I thought the name was appropriate. The Travels Through the Hells of Love its a name a bit more descriptive since a lot of the songs have to do with the end of love and relationships, such as Bad Dream, Needy, Open Up, Another Bad Dream, Te Dejo Ir, Bowl of Contradictions. But, many of them are more like reflections on life, my own point of view on things, like Calm Before the Storm, Patterns, Will You Still Love Me?, Creak, Sail Off, Good Bye. 
The song number 13 is my version of Bach two voice invention number 13, in Am, with Jose Perez in drums. He is a heavy/metal drummer so I thought it will be an interesting combination. He is still working on the track, so it will come later. 
What is the style or genre of the songs? That's the problem. They are not easy to categorize. I don't know. Some of them are pop-like, as pop as it can be coming from someone like me who studied 10 years of classical piano and then continued with composition and electroacoustic music, but there is also a chacarera, which is an Argentinean folk rhythm, Te Dejo Ir, which is mostly in Spanish, mostly; there is one which I think it will be nicely done with a voice like a heavy metal kind of stuff, but that also has a rhythm that is very much used for tango since Piazzolla, Patterns; Sail Off is more poppy, like a song by a band of teenage Californians, and others that are kind of classical, or bluessy, or a mix of all that. The lyrics are mine, except for Bowl of Contradictions, by Maureen daRosa.
These songs just came to me. I didnt intend to write 13 of them when I started. They came influenced by the music of the movie Once and of course, by a man, and then they went their own way. The concept was to keep it simple, in all levels. I hope you enjoy them. Feedback is welcomed.

Bad Dream

I composed this piece in 2001 while I was a student at the Koninklijk Conservatorium in Den Haag, The Netherlands, for violinist Barbara Luneburg, with the assistance, for the live electronics software creation, of my then teacher, Clarence Barlow, and Declan Murphy and Jeff Ridenour. Performed and recorded at the Music School in Koln by Barbara.

Compilation Compositions and Improvisations

Mirrors

From the old times, a piece made in Sombathely, Hungary, during the Bartok seminary in 1997! A long time ago. With Alejandra Tamburo's voice.

Composiciones

La Multitud Encerrada en una botella

This one too, from the old times, La Mano, for speaking voice, double-bass and percussion. With Gloribel Hernandez in voice, Jeff Ridenour in bass, and Tatiana Koleva, percussion. I think this performance was in Koln, but not sure. Maybe it was in Korzo theater, or the Bimhuis in Amsterdam... in 1999, or 2000. I have to get better records....

la mano.mp3

Carcajada

The Weight of Guilt for the Old Pass Sins
Music for the Labyrinths
Videos+Sound+Poesia+Performance 
Imagenes sonoras y poeticas

ElPesoDeLasCulpasPorLosPasadosPecadosPisados

Music for the Labyrinths
Imagenes sonoras y poeticas

ImproConLluviaYPianoDesafinado

The Guilt Games
Music for the Labyrinths
Videos+Sound+Poesia+Performance 
Imagenes sonoras y poeticas
Translation of the text and video to come. 

LosJuegosDeLasCulpas

Improv Piano Trumpet Drum or ItHelpsMeReleaseThePainQueLaTengoPrisionera

I wrote this piece in my first year as a student in the Royal Conservatory of The Hague, a long time ago. Dedicated to Gonzalo Ariel Juan, performed here by Josue Mendez Pelayo at the Ijsbreker in Amsterdam, 1998, I think... I am not that good at keeping records... I started writing it during the summer before coming to The Netherlands. Chambre 40 was the room where the Argentinean writer Julio Cortazar lived during his stay in Paris at the Argentinean House in Paris' City University. But it was also the room where, with my friend Patricia, we spent many nights talking, and when she was out working at the Ircam, I spent long nights in silence.

Chambre 40

hormiga viajera, nomad, piano teacher, composer mix spoken word, songs, poetry, theater, toy theater, machine theater, multimedia, music + dance, theater, improvisation always, experimental, sometimes movies just for fun, videos, stop-motion. children stories. hands choreography with wind-up toys. formal "composer of difficult music", or as i call it, intellectual masturbation.

CucaEsteves

Pinned to spotlight

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