Recorded 2020 May

Released 2020 October 30 — didn't take long, maybe I just needed to make sure I was going to stay alive 😂❤️

Written 2020 May 19

I went for a run.

This time without my roller-blades.

I wondered if I really liked running.

A year ago I would have said not.

I ran anyway.

I liked it.

When I said this to myself in the shower I made myself laugh.

I think I'd prefer to play a game.

Tennis I enjoy.

Some guys were playing a kind of volleyball but like football.

Brazilian maybe.

I'm sitting in the sun and sweating.

It's lovely to be warm.

There are drops of sweat falling off my face into my lap.

In the shower I generously rubbed each bum cheek and thought what a nice bum.

haha.

I'm alive.

This is particularly amazing.

I am thankful.

I said it to a friend the other day to emphasise how basic my situation was.

I said I was a lot better.

But really the main thing was that I was alive.

I ran like the other day and smiled.

I occasionally chuckled.

Whatever I've been through this last year I'm here.

It's been amazing.

And terrifying.

And amazing.

And terrifying.

And amazing.

And some things inbetween.

I attended the funeral of my second cousin.

A web stream.

I nearly missed it but thankfully my Dad remembered while we chatted.

I was worried about it.

About attending a church service.

Because the last church service I attended I went as cold as ice and had to turn it off.

I then hurriedly did some exercise and something else in the bathroom just to get some warmth again.

So I was a bit hesitant.

However, my concerns were unnecessary in the end thankfully.

The letter from my second cousin's friend was beautiful.

So much love.

I didn't have much connection to her.

So I felt a bit distant.

A web stream would do this too but we didn't keep contact.

I remember her being beautiful.

Very attractive.

I remember a close friend fancying her.

I also fancied her.

I met her at a do, which I've been saying was the university ball.

Quite unexpected.

I was a bit drunk.

And I completely fell for her.

Anyway, while the pastor read more of another letter he said she was beautiful inside and out.

I immediately thought of ten burgers.

I had written these words to her.

That she was so so so so (a Linnea amount of sos, which is to say a lot) beautiful inside and out.

And I stand by that now as I did then.

I said out loud.

I love you mon amour.

Where are you?

I'm told it ain't going to happen.

It's like people are suggesting I find a girlfriend.

I was in the park today and yesterday and both days I saw couples doing their thing in the park.

One couple the girl sat on the floor and the boy did keep-ups with a football.

Another couple had a skateboard that they took turns on.

Another were super-sporty, the mom pushed a pram while the dad did his exercise regime, and the daughter followed suit.

Another couple lay back on the stones and pointed at clouds.

And for me I would be happy to practice dance or movement together, trying or practising dance. 

Or a kind of capo-era. 

And then sit with an ice-cream.

Am I being real.

I don't know.

Right now I don't care.

What I know is the two recent pieces of music I've made I've danced to afterwards when listening back.

So I know I enjoy dancing and movement.

I don't know because.

I noticed something recently.

I feel it is like I have or have had so much empathy that I take on the thing subject/object (always struggled with those two).

Ah, who knows.

I thought I was on to something.

But the other day I played a couple of jazz pieces from a book.

And the next thing was I made a jazzy piece up.

So what I'm trying to say is.

I'm not sure I knew myself because I took on what I perceived of others.

I want to delete all the analysis bit now.

I leave it because I re-read it and it wasn't so bad.

The service was beautiful.

The music at the end was beautiful.

Dare to live.

Thanks my second cousin.

I'm Alive

Dave Smith