ToU

فوضى، زي الدنيا بدونك، زيي بدونك!

The power went down today for several hours after the evening, all the lights and the Internet traffic were gone, my phone died several times, and I remembered you, not as if I had forgotten you for a moment, but when I sat alone in that room just candlelight and writing, I remember you. I remembered how much you know that this is my favorite moment all winter. The darkness, the paper, the pen, the candle, and the sound of the rain, made me start writing to you. I wrote a long letter saying how I miss you. I wrote about the several months that you were absent. I wrote about the many times I cut my hair and was about to break our break up and send you messages to inform you about that because you're unlike everyone get excited about it. I wrote about that mutual friend who went away, and I couldn't even tell you about it and miss him together. I wrote about that time about a month ago when I heard your voice by chance in the most random place, and how that reminded me of our last meeting nearly half a year ago and how I panicked to see you there by chance and I never told you. that cold meeting, that stupid two-second handshake when I felt like I would never let your hand go. I wrote a lot, knowing full well that I'd never send it. Instead, I chose to do this collection of voices that tell a little about what is in my head. I know you won’t listen. I know it won’t arrive, but one day, perhaps not for twenty years, you'll come back and hear it. I hope you will. You will know then how sorry I am, and how much I regret letting you go , because as I have always told you, "you are worth it.”

I always say, “ان تكتب يعني ان تبتر صوتك” Therefore, Iam not the owner of all the voices, these voices, but there are thousands and thousands in my head competing to come out, the problem is that you're not here to listen, so listen.

31.1.24 12:50am




Flashback. Not enough. Because the message will not arrive, as if this will arrive! I miss you.  

30/1 6pm - 31/1 2am

to U ❤️

illusion
4.2.24.    4:48am


.................
this is also an old message that lost in my books and never arrived to you...
I thought about writing to you a lot every damn day, when I had shocking news, or even when I didn't have anything, that emptiness was screaming at me like hell. I was afraid that one day I would get so high that I would call you, but to be honest, even if I did, the idea that I hadn't heard your voice for a long time would terrify me, and I would stop immediately. I wrote to you when I cut my hair. I wrote about how I never regretted cutting my hair, I regretted cutting you off. and I regret it every day keeping you away from me. I thought that when I kept you away from me, it would be difficult. You know because you're different, but I never imagined it would be this difficult. I had gotten used to losing two or three friends every day, but that day I lost you was disastrous, driving me crazy every second. I think about it constantly, all the time. I ask myself a question that I have never asked before: Why did I give up on us?
When I started writing this letter, I remember that I wanted to say something specific, but this damn introduction made me forget everything, but just a quick question: Have I ever told you that maybe I love you?!

23.9.23
….    ………

I'm sick of people asking about you, whenever my friend comes up with your name out of nowhere, when my mom asks about you. That's why i didn't want to tell her about us, it was never about shame. See, i know you, you leave all the time, that's what you do. and it's okay i understand, i can live with that. but with your damn name around me every second, and with the fact that I don't wanna hear it anymore. That's it, we're done.
20.2.24 2:31am

I can't be one of the things I spent my life fighting it
19324

For a long time since we stopped talking, I was afraid that I never told you "I love you". But I did, check Jan 16, 22. 
4.6.24 | 4:44am

illusion

nasi
live, life, love, leave.
1.3.2024 ,, 2am - 7am
 ……………………
You must hold on with all your strength to the things that keep you away from killing yourself
1.3.24
……………………
We didn't have an artist in our family, we didn't inherit talent. We didn't have someone with eyes like the ocean, we didn't inherit attractive faces. We didn't have a gypsy in our family history, we didn't inherit the gorgeous gypsy red hair. There was no rich person or king in the family. We did not inherit gold or kingship.
We inherited certain genes, we inherited the love of poetry but not the ability to recite, we inherited the love of mathematics and the curiosity to solve problems but not the intelligence, we inherited the love of walking long distances in one direction, but not the actual ability to leave, we inherited the passion for sports of all kinds, then we inherited the weak and narrow breath, we inherited the love of history and archiving, and then everyone keeps forgetting the person came before them, we inherited the love of preserving memories without... Memory. In fact, we have inherited weak memory, which is something that terrifies me every day. My mother says that I started forgetting from an early age. I didn't give it any importance, until it started to bother me about things that you couldn't help but notice, and I started little by little to show resentment. I saw the disappointment on my mother’s face today when she forgot the food in the oven. I looked closely as I savored the burnt food: I reached this stage when I was half my mother’s age.
But I love my great-grandfather, he is one of the characters that I would pay anything to meet, to live with in his time. I never saw him, even my father didn't see him, but I heard some stories, not enough, because when you come to this matter nothing is enough. But I love him.
And I'm here today to say again that time flies, but it flies in one direction. It will never allow me to fly in that direction to meet you, but you know, maybe you are me.
5.3.24 ,, 12pm

……………………

How about I tell you something I've never told anyone before and you forgive me every time I choose silence and not open up to you?
I have never liked gatherings, what if all these people want me to leave? I may always tell you that I don't value romance or relationships, because what if the only person I love, and I spend my whole life loving in silence doesn't love me back, or what if all this time he also loved me, all these wasted years for what? All these walls between us, how will they break?.
I always tell you that I have no friends, but in fact there are many people around me who think that we are friends. This means that there are people who do want to be my friends, but what if they suddenly leave? What if they can't stay? What if they wanted to stay and I couldn't? What if they don't accept my many mood swings and my different mind? What if they do and I suddenly discover that I started to change for them? I get attached to them? And suddenly I forget who I really am.
I have never thrown a party for myself in my entire life, twenty-one years, five schools, several colleges, thousands of people, dozens of occasions, and I have not thrown a single party, for one reason; What if no one comes, and I'm left alone? What if everyone comes? Do those people really care about me? Invite only a few people I care about? Okay, what if I invited the only three people who I care about in the universe and they did not come? What if the only three people who I care about don't care about me? What if they come? Does this mean that at any moment I should prepare myself to attend the funeral of someone I love again? What if everyone I love suddenly leaves? What's the point?!
6.3.24 ,, 5:25pm



time flies

2late
29.4.24



I tried, believe me I tried to write about losing you but I couldn't, me who run immediately to writing no matter what, now I can't write about losing the person I spent my life… Do you know what, it doesn't matter, I mean it. Yes it seems hard, yes you're no longer around, yes we did nothing from all the things I thought about, but it's okay, you're happy, I know it, and that's enough, that's what really matters. I can tell from your smile that you're happy, comfortable and feeling good. I hope you do well in your life, ..will always love you but I'm gonna let you go now. I have to.
16.4.24 ,, 2:51am





So hey how's everything going, I don't know why i wanna say this to you really bad but um.. I drink milk now, around midnight and still not sleeping until next couple days, well not to be healthy or something just to be kid again, i guess. As you know i stopped drinking milk long time ago, yeah last time it was in a baby bottle or whatever it's called, anyway I have no idea why I'm writing this, i think I'm not accepting everything yet, the whole getting older thing and my birthday's coming soon and this road goes only in one direction add to all of that you being away i mean come on why it has to be always like this, why does everything everyone we ever wanted go to someone else, to people who didn't even dream about it, didn't think about it all night, only to suddenly come and get it?. But yeah like I said, it doesn't matter anymore, the milk is good though right? I still think it's not very tasty, with cereal yeah maybe, like i can understand the younger me not liking it but it's not about what we like right? This is what years teach you, anyway i hope you're good and not nostalgic for the past like this, because life must go on, it doesn't stop for anyone apparently. 
7.5.24.    12:43am





You were to me like Hannah to Clay, I never really wanted a lover, I wanted a best friend. But good for you I guess, you got both.
27.1.25
8:48pm







One of my oldest friends fixed me up with someone last night saying that we're a perfect match, he doesn't like the music I like, we barely come across with little things, he doesn't even support the team that I support, or love the game, he just watches the same sport. Anyway, every time something like this happens it hits me how my friends don't actually know the real me, to think that I might love this or that when I don't get remotely close to like it, it just feels lonely. So this is for all the people who keep saying that we're friends, and really judge me when I say I don't have any friends; believe me I'd love to have someone close to me, someone gets me when no one does, but I don't, I never had. I never had someone to hit the ball with whenever I'm sad, I never had someone to cry in front of whenever I got into a fight with my mom. I never had someone to walk to school with. I never had someone to tell about my little crush. I never had someone to cry with when Messi left, or Neymar, Suarez or Iniesta. Even now I don't have someone to insanely jump with whenever Raphinha scores a wonderful goal at the last minute, or when the wonderkid does a cool trick. You know, I thought I'd have someone to cheer up with about this version of Barca with the German hero, but here I am alone. I never had someone to walk for hours with at night, to sing WILDFLOWER with or Little Freak in a car at midnight. Not in school, not in college I never had someone to go through my studies with before the exam. No one to go skate boarding with, or to discover the forests, to travel the world and try new kinds of food. So no, I don't have friends, and I never had.
2.4.25 11:48pm




If you weren't there by my side when we lost to Inter in last minutes, then i don't need or want you in my life.
070525 ,, 0408


SOLO, so low

للبلاد ولها...
12am-6am 
25.5.24



عديم…


عندما كان يرى ذلك المفتاح المعلّق على جدار بيت جده يتساءل لِمَ هذا؟ ولِمَ هو معلّق على مسافة مرتفعة لا يطالها، فهو مفتاح لا يفتح اي باب على كل حال فلِمَ كل هذا الخوف من فقدانه؟. يسأل جده عنه فيخبره دائماً ذات القصة دون جواب، يخبره عن البيارات التي كان يمتلكها، فيفكر قليلاً ويشعر حقاً بأنها تذكرها كما لو أنه رآها من قبل، فهو لا يلحظ هنا في زحام مدينة رام الله الا شجرة الزيتون التي تراها اينما ادرت وجهك في هذه البلاد، لكنه يعلم يقيناً بأنه رأى البيارة في مكان ما، هو فقط لا يتذكر متى او اين، ثم يقول ربما عند تلك المحطة القديمة عندما حملت الحافلة اربعة اضعاف حمولتها وماعزين وثلاث دجاجات واتجهت من جنة الشمال إلى جبال الجنوب، رحلة نزوح بلا عودة، رحلة رفيعة المستوى نظراً لأشخاص خسروا بلاد برمّتها للتو، لكنه يفكر مجدداً، لقد ولد هنا في هذه المدينة، لم ينزح من قبل كما لم يكن حراً أيضاً، لم يغادر بيته ولم يعد إليه يوماً، ولازال يعتقد بأن عودة سعيد تلك كانت عودة مغلوطة، فطالما لم يعد هو إلى حيفا، لِمَ يعود أبا الخلدون إلى خيبة "دوڤ"؟. لكنه طفل، لم يقرأ ذلك الكتاب من قبل، فهو لا يجيد القراءة بعد، بطريقةٍ ما فهو يحفظ تلك القصة واخرى عن ظهر قلب، ربما دفنها احدهم فنبتت في عقله، او ربما سمعها من قبل، لكنه لا يتذكر اين او متى ليس الا، لا يعلم من اين يأتي بكل هذا الغير معلوم ...
15.5.23   4:04am
 
….

ليس الأمر فحسب الشعور الدائم بالغربة، وبأنك في حسابات الوجود لست موجود، انت شاب عانق العشرين، طويل لون عينيك كلون زيتون هذه البلاد، ولدت هنا تتحدث مثلما يتحدث أهل البلاد، تغضب ثم تهدأ فتصبح أحنّ من ظل شجرة زيتون في ظهر تموز على الفلاح، تحب اشياء وتكره أخرى، لديك اسم قوي تريد تغيره في اقرب وقت لأن اسمك حتى اسمك يشعرك بالغربة، الغربة عن هذه الصفة والقوة في اسمك، اقول في نفسي: ماذا لو سمّاني أبي"عديم" وخفف عني حمل شرح نفسي لجميع من اقابل، ان يسألني احدهم من انت، فأقول انا عديم، ماذا عنك. انت موجود، لكنك لا تملك وثيقة تثبت انك ولدت في ذلك اليوم من ذلك العام الشديد وطأة كما كثير من الأعوام على البلاد، لا تملك هوية تقول لك أنك فلان ووالدك فلان وأنك ذكر وان هذه صورتك حتى اذا نسيت شكلك في زحام الحياة تتذكر نفسك، لكنك موجود، فقط بلا هوية. أتعرف ما أسوأ من ان تشعر بأنك ميّت، أسوأ من ان تفقد كل شيء يربطك بالحياة؟! ان لا يكون لديك شيء تحمله معك في محفظتك أينما ذهبت يثبت لك عكس ذلك.
عميد، فاقد الهوية
23.4.23




للبلاد ولها

"ليت الذي بيني وبينك باب يطرق" يقول وهو يعلم انه يوما ما كان اقرب من جار لذلك الباب بالفعل لكن الفكرة دائما اسهل من الطرق، يقول: هناك اشارات ان ذلك الذي يقف خلف الباب لن يفتح، في مدينة ليست مدينتك ينظر في وجوه كل العابرين يبحث عنك، يعلم انك لست هنا لكن الامل في المستحيل وجع لا مفر منه، بعيد انت لا تصل اليك حتى اجنحة هذه الطيور الحرة. يقول: "هي حرة، تستطيع جول العالم، لكنها تختار هذه المدينة الكئيبة." تشبهه، يعلم اين يجدك لكنه يختار ان لا يفعل.
لا يبحث عن وجهك فحسب، فانت لا تتخيل كم يفتقدك، كلما قابل شخصية جديدة يقول: "ربما تشبهه". هو بالفعل اخبرك كم انت مميز، وكيف انه رغم تشابه البشر لا يزال كل منا عالم بأسره، ينظر الى نفسه بالمرآة ويرى شخص لم يعتد رؤيته خلال وجودك، يقول: "هل افتقده، ام افتقد نفسي" يفكر للحظة: "ربما لست الا انانيّ آخر، ربما لم اعرف الحب يوماً، او ربما لم احب غير نفسي". هذا التناقض، هل يحب نفسه بالفعل؟! امام الاخرين.. بالطبع لا، لكنه عندما يغلّق الابواب ويطفئ الانوار، يحتضن نفسه في الليل ويبكي، يعتذر منها احياناً، يمازحها كأنها شخص آخر تماماً، لا يتوقف عن التقليل منها امام الاخرين ويحبها في السر، كما كل حب يراه امامه.
اصبح يسير في شوارع المدينة الغريبة بمعرفة، لا يريد ان يقول بوعي، فهو حينما يمشي يتوه في رأسه اكثر من الشوارع، لا وعي ولا ادراك، قد يعبر عن وجهته ولا ينتبه ثم يعود ببهجة لا تذمر، ثم يتوه مجدداً، لكن ليس في الطريق، فقد حفظها رغم سوء ذاكرته، وازدحام رأسه بكل المدن الاخرى، وانشغاله بروحٍ بعيدة طوال الوقت، لكنه حفظ الطريق ولسبب ما غير معتاد فهو فخور بنفسه، ان المعتاد ان يقول: "هناك من حفظ طريق القمر وانا هنا احتفل بحفظ شارع!" لكنه اليوم رؤوف بنفسه قليلاً، لا زال يبحث عنك بين الوجوه ويقول: "وليت اطراف الارض تطوى فنلتقي".
على حافة الهاوية، يجلس وحده، معلّق بين الوجود وعدمه ليس لديه ما يكفي من الجرأة لينجو او ليسقط، اما طلب النجدة فمفروغ منه.

3.12.24
6:38am
I want you to tell me your story, start from the beginning, I wanna know what went wrong.




قطف ورقة من تلك الشجرة التي ظن لبراءته انها لا تنمو الا في قريته كآخر شيء فعله قبل المغادرة الى المدينة البعيدة ووضعها في جيب قميصه عند الجهة اليسرى من صدره، وبعد يومين من التلفت على كل جديد في المدينة وعلى البنايات المرتفعة في كل مكان يقع نظره عليه اخفض رأسه أخيراً، وهناك بجانب الجدار القديم خطفته تلك الورقة وكأنها سحبته من مكانه، وكأنها اخرجت روحه من جسده، في تلك الليلة اخرج الورقة من جيب قميصه ووضعها في محفظته، عدة ايام اخرى وذبلت الورقة بدون نبضه.

5.1.25.   8:46am





This is the tenth time I've postponed going to the city. I don't want to leave, you know the one thing that i was for sure my whole life is a leaver, is that even a word, I don't know, but it doesn't matter because that was and is me. No matter what, no matter when, no matter where, I would always leave. Friends meeting, family gathering, event, funeral... at some point I would really like to go home, and for a long time I thought it was for the idea of home, to just lie down and do nothing, but I think I understand now. See. being away, to feel like that thing is taken from you, makes you understand what it really means. I'd never leave home again, or actually anywhere else far from home, I don't wanna be away when shit happens at home, I wanna be there, I always leave everywhere to be home, and I'd rather be home than anywhere else in the world. I'm not leaving, that's it. Not even for you.
17.2.25
1:01am




I still see that boy in my closet, even though I'm 23 years old now, even after we moved out from our old house, even after changing closets four times and even with its door closed. My little sister got older so fast, it became annoying to her, she no more forget to close the closet's door. But I still see him in a weird scary way, just staring at me like a scene from a horror movie. He looks scared more than scary, but it terrifies me how after all these years he didn't even age a day.
240525 ,, 0314

looking for u

ادرك انه طالما يكتب لها فهي لاتزال تعيش بداخله بين ذكرياته وذراته، فاطلق على نفسه وعد ان لا يكتب عنها مجدداً، هو الوعد ذاته في كل مرة ثم يعود كأن شيء لم يكن. يعلم جيداً ان هذا هو الحب، ان تعود للمشاعر وللاشخاص حتى وان اذوك، يقول لنفسه: "هذه الاخيرة، هذه المرة بحق." فبدأ يكتب وفي رأسه انه لأي احد غيرها، بطريقة ما التف النص عليه مجدداً وحينما قرأه لم يرى سواها بين حروفه، "لا مهرب." قال وهو يحاول جاهداً عدم التفكير بها. 
يقتله ان يحظى بقربها غيره، كأنها احدى احلامه التي ذهبت بسهولة لمن لم يتمناها ويهلوس بها طوال الليل مثله، يعلم بأن رسائله لا تصل، "لا ساعي بريد هناك إلى النجوم." اعتاد القول، لكنه ينثر رسائله رغم ذلك، علّها تلتفت في لحظة ضعف يوماً ما لترى ماذا فعلت بهم السبل. 
تسارعت الايام منذ تلك الليلة، يقارب اليوم على الانتهاء، والشهر كذلك، والسنة أيضاً، وهو لا يزال هناك ينتظر منها وداع يتيم.
28.12.24




It's 3am on the first day of the year, my hands are so cold as if they touched your heart. I just finished a random book made me think of you as everything else with no reason, my whole life I had problems with letting things go, I can't believe that I let the love of my life go but not you. But for the new year and for me; I will let you go, for real this time. I wish you the best, and I hope that some day you get to read this and to know how hard it took me to let you go, to never ask that stupid question again "what made you think of me?", what didn't?!
Will always love you kiddo.
3:33am
1.1.2025







This one is for my April fool, I don't think that I wrote about you before but lately I've been healing and letting go of things and feelings, and you're up I guess so here we go April fool.
On April first, two years ago. You were sitting there, next to me. Coloring draws like a little kid. I forget to live, that moment then. Because I was busy, capturing it. I always knew, that you're gonna leave. And all I'd have, just tears and those pictures. So forgive me that I wanted to keep you forever. You wrote your name, in my hand. You gifted me the pin and pain. You wrote me lyrics from a ten years old song. You handed me, my jacket back. Left cold, and never came back the same. What happened that day?. On April first? Or you just been a lie the whole time. Or on that day, you caught me lying so you figured out that I'm a liar and I never actually told the truth. Look what April fool's did to me, it cost me you and a couple years. It messed me up, left me all alone without my favorite friend. It made you my April fool. Just another lie, just another illusion that would never see the light. I'd always remember those eyes in April first, and I'll erase your memory like it's never been there, you'll be like a stranger with a familiar face in my dreams, you will never be a main scene. I can't believe that I couldn't pay the price of a healing hag, you didn't want me to forgive myself? You win you April fool, I give up.
19.3.25 7:48am



My mom doesn't like a lot of people, but she liked you, and from now to then she'd ask about you. I'd be having a normal day and she'd hit me with: what happened to that girl, don't you guys used to be close. Yeah mom but people change, they grow up and move on, they're not who they used to be anymore, life doesn't work out always like we wanted to. But my little sister noticed how my tone would change when she used to say your name, how I'd get angry, so now she pretends to forget it, and whenever someone asks her about that gift you got her she'd say: one of dima's old friends got me this I don't remember her name. But she does, she just gets it. I say this now because of a flashback notification I just got. It occurred to me that I don't actually have a real memory of us, of you. It's just what everybody and the pictures have been telling me, and that's sad, really sad. Because we seemed to be close, and I don't even remember it.
190425 ,, 0514

mish heye

(every message's for a different person, and no matter how close you think it's written about you, it's not believe me, I would never write something if I knew there's a little chance that you're reading)

(I've been practicin' this moment, but I never thought I'd see you again..
16.10.24)


(You weren't my first love, not my first relationship, not my first best friend, not my first crush, not my first soulmate, not my first feeling. See, I lost a lot of people, I'd lose a friend a day and not put down a tear, you're not my first breakup, not my first heartbreaking, not my first unfinished business, but you're definitely my first ex, all people that were before you were nothing, not even a situation I'd think of it, but you! You're the whole thing. Before you I was just leaving people, just like that, say nothing, just leave and never ever looked back, but with you it's like I tried to leave then immediately looked back just a one look at you and kept looking that way never around. I still love you, even when you're not here, especially when you're not here, and I hope one day I see you again somehow, maybe tonight, in my dreams.
19.2.25
2:07am)


(I'm a writer, I value words not feelings, I don't care if the song's written for a girl or a boy, as long as the words are hitting that's enough.
23.2.25)


(A little part of you knew the whole time, and regardless of every other part that denied it, you know it's there, like a little tiny cell of cancer.
11am
23.4.25)

(I'm pretty sure that I saw your sister in the city today, I looked for you in her eyes, in the streets, in your favorite spot and in my unread messages, where did you go? And you always asked me why I hate this city, how can I love it when I can't run into you even after months in this damn city. Of course I never met any of your sisters before, but to see someone with all this similarity, or do I see you in every face now?
3:16pm
25.2.25)



(".....Sorry, Mom, I'm not girly enough. Sorry, I couldn't dress like one. Sorry, I didn't turn out to be the daughter you always wanted. But you have two, and an awesome boy who's turning into a man every day.

I really am sorry, Mom."

3:16 PM - 4:47 PM
26.2.25)



(It's such a relief, going around your favorite spot and seeing you there, those wonderful green eyes, hanging out with your friends, laughing and just being you, you know?. The "you" that I fell for without hesitation. It's been a while I know, you've changed, and so have I, but I still think of you, even when I go there and not run into you, every time I eat ice cream or that dark chocolate that you weirdly like. It's hard not to think of you, every new thing that I know for sure you would like, every new song, every new movie, and certainly every new book I no longer know what you'd think about it. But still it's good to know that you're there, happy and young as the day I met you, people don't age in their lover's eyes you know. You are still that kid I met in a random Wednesday back when days were different. How was your birthday by the way, is it what now the fourth I haven't been there to wish you a happy birthday?, but you've been better since, that's good, even though I'll never stop falling for pisces because of you, not that I believe in any of that nonsense but I guess there are people in our lives that we'd always look for in every single person we meet. I hope you're doing well as it seems, and I hope I could one day heal from all of it to the point that I wouldn't think about you every day in March.
17.3.25 12:54pm)




(Last messages don't say everything, especially by words, so I'm saving my last message to give it as a hug. No goodbyes kiddo, I love you.
19.2.25)


i don't like the things that i can't have.



voice memo

My aunt discovered by accident today, after months and months of living with me and being around me, that I'm a real freak. Of course, that wasn't her exact word, but she was sitting there with my mom, telling her that I have more than one personality, that I'm totally different when I'm there with her in the city than when I'm home. She said that, for a weird reason, I act here like a guy, talk like a guy, dress like a guy, and don’t even come close to looking like a girl. I told her it's just because it's home, and I'm more comfortable being whatever my mood feels like being at the time when I'm home. But she didn't care—she kept saying there's something wrong, you should do that, do this, don't do that, wear this, not that, and a lot of other things. Until now, I can't understand why it's such a big deal.

And do you know what the toughest part is? My mom just sat there, hearing all of that, not saying anything. You should've seen her face—it was like she always wanted to say that but never had the courage. Regardless of all the things she already said when I was like five or something, it really hurts to know that after everything she's been saying, she never actually said the thing she always wanted to say.

Growing up, I always thought that my mom was very harsh. We argued all the time about everything, but looking back at it right now makes me think that she should've been even harsher. She shouldn't have given me the freedom to do whatever I wanted, to wear whatever I wanted, to act like a guy, to play with the boys. Maybe I might have been a different person today. Maybe football wouldn't have been my savior. I can't even imagine everything that would have gone differently—maybe I would've been dead by now.

The other day, we were having a family night, looking at some old images that my aunt took. We found that picture from a family wedding where all the girls wore white dresses except me. And I still remember that day, even after 16 years, that I cried for hours to not wear that white dress, and I ended up not wearing it. Since that day, I never wore a dress. But while we were looking at these images, I felt like my aunt started to put all the parts together—how I always hated dresses, girls' nights, that disgusting pink color, shopping with friends, always running after a ball. It was like she was putting all the pieces of the puzzle together. She never looked at me the same since that night.

I'm not sad because of how she looks at me or how people always look at me like I'm a freak. Also, not because of all the words that really hurt me. Not even because of how long it took them to really see me for who I am. But I'm really sad because I don't want them to think I'm something I'm not. I am different, yes. But I'm not a freak. I just like the things that didn’t kill me, the things that always stay no matter what, the things that I feel comfortable wearing, playing, or doing.

I don't hate people. I love how we all are different. I love the idea of how unique every person is. I love how people have the ability to think and do whatever they put in their minds, even if it seemed impossible. I love how people create something from nothing. I love how people love, hate, fear, seek revenge, scream, laugh, cry, smile, hug, feel, care, touch, stick together, and always improve. I don't hate them. I just can't love an individual person for any reason whatsoever. I gave up on this idea years ago—I just can't. I want to, but I can't. So I didn’t cry about it or kill myself. I just accepted it and moved on.

I'm not ashamed of it. I know it's not right—it's just my only right option. Why am I the freak? Because I'm different? Well, guess what? I didn't always want that, just for your information. But that's who I am, and I'm not gonna be with all of you against me.

Sorry, Mom, I'm not girly enough. Sorry, I couldn't dress like one. Sorry, I didn't turn out to be the daughter you always wanted.


3:16 PM - 4:47 PM
26.2.25




last message - سماح

ياريت, يا ريت يا ويا ريت
اكتبلك قديش حبيتك, 
بلا جدار لاني 
عم بشكي من حيط وبنبني حيط بيني وبينك

ياريت, يا ريت يا ويا ريت
اكتبلك قديش حبيتك, 
ياريت, يا ريت
 يا ويا ريت


اكتبلك اغنية حب ملانة كليشيهات
ببدع في كل اشي واشي, وببلم بالاشي هاد
بدي اتخيل٫ بوسة بالمطر, بطن بترجف
بس بكره المطر, تراوما, سقف بدلف

بحط, طناجر في كل القرن, المي فبكل
الغرف وصلتلي فول للركب, بدي اصد النقط
بحط اغنية الحب بالجارور
بتعاود تعود, بعد ما افك كل العقد 

ف-صفيت مبلول ععتبتك
اطلعيني من الشارع دخلك 
غطيني في مبلاسك
خايف ابين عريان وضعيف انا جنبك

اطردي مني جن الفقر اطردي مني جن القهر
, اطردي مني الشعور انه فيشي بكرا
اطردي مني جن ال سم اطردي مني دين البنك
احضنيني اكنه فيشي بكرا


ياريت, يا ريت يا ويا ريت
اكتبلك قديش حبيتك, 
بلا جدار لاني 
عم بشكي من حيط وبنبني حيط بيني وبينك

ياريت, يا ريت يا ويا ريت
اكتبلك قديش حبيتك, 
ياريت, يا ريت
 يا ويا ريت


محمود درويش كتب بنصير شعب, لما الشاعر 
يكتب وصف ايباحي لبطن الراقصة
اللة يرحمك, كنت بزودها, بنصير شعب, لما بطن الراقص
 ينوصف في اباحية عأيدين شاعرة

فبكتب ضد الشرف اللي كتبوا الذكور
ضد حصار غزة, ضد اللي قطعوا النور
بكتب للمخيم ضد الريس بالقصور 
وحاليا" اغنية الحب لاجئة بالجارور

وانا لعتبتك لاجئ
ذكريني الظلم مش حاجة بل حاجز
 نزليلي ملابسي بلمسك
مستعد ابين عريان وضعيف انا جنبك

حطي فيي جن الناضجة, حطي فيي جن الواثقة 
ما اخاف عليكي ولا اخافك
حطي فيي جن العاشقة حطي فيي جن الثاىرة
اللي بتطالب بالارض وفي شفافي 

لنذهب كما نحن, عاشقة ً حرةً
وشاعرها
لنذهب معا في طريقين مختلفين
لنذهب كما نحن متحدين ومنفصلين 
لنذهب معا ولنكن طيبين

ياريت, يا ريت يا ويا ريت
اكتبلك قديش حبيتك, 
بلا جدار لاني 
عم بشكي من حيط وبنبني حيط بيني وبينك

ياريت, يا ريت يا ويا ريت
اكتبلك قديش حبيتك, 
ياريت, يا ريت
 يا ويا ريت

مفرق 48 (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack)

Yaret Ft. Samar Qupty - (يا ريت (مع سمر قبطي

إيقاع هيب هوب يعتمد على أغنية: زعلي طوّل للخالدة فينا: فيروز
الرفيق
Arabi hip hop sample, based on the amazing masterpiece: زعلي طول by the hummingbird: Fairouz
alrafiq

و افترقنا شي يوم - الرّفيق

"احضنيني اكنه فش بكرا.!"

I'm not really a people person. But, when you need help, call me.

لا تلوموه قد رأى
منْهجَ الحقِّ مُظلما
وبلاداً أحبَّها
ركنُها قد تهدًّما

All the rights saved to their own, I own nothing and I owe everyone a big apology. I'm just someone without a voice.

Dima Alhajajlah 
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Ma2yGitOFn2BDF8twuwXN?si=X4uyto71RUyY8vt_0Zw1Jg&pi=WEz16bY7Rw2cW

illusion

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