Whitley - My Heart Is Not A Machine

It reminds me of my 5 year old naked self, running around in reckless–happy–juvenile-abandon, in the midday sun with birds flying overhead, the somewhat damp ground beneath my feet and freedom overflowing from just being alive.

Yes; it reminds me of grandma’s hugs and kisses, mum’s love filled cooking, dad placing me on his shoulder… making me feel a giant.

It reminds me of 8 year olds playing hide and go seek, long lost summers, family filled winters, old school stories.

It brings back memories of lost adventures, being caught in the thunderous summer rains, hiking trails, the naive yet unwavering belief that hills were mountains, streams rivers and lakes oceans.

Yes; it reminds me of long spring days and even longer autumn nights. It reminds me of my young hero worshiping moments, when superheroes were real, superman decedent from our fathers and wonder woman our mothers.

Yes; I know this song. It reminds me of innocence and hope, the undying love of food without the knowledge of calories, the soundtrack to my first love, my first break up, my first loss and my first grief.

It was playing in the background the first day of kindergarten when mother left me crying at the gates. I cried myself to sleep. It plays out in Technicolor the emotions felt when she came back to and for me at 3:05 pm. When we realised she would keep coming back.

It’s the backdrop to my first friendship, first betrayal, and first fight. It lives in my silent moments, the teary emotional outbursts, the searing once believed to be never ending pain, vociferous laughter and the unreasonable, uncontrollable, increases in heartbeats.

Oh yes; this is the song that’s lived within me unidentified until this moment. The song that interlaced the peaceful moments lived once on my mother’s back, in mother’s arms after feeding, in mother’s womb while growing, close to mother’s heart as I fell asleep.

It’s the sounds I hear when the wind swipes through the trees, the ocean breaks on the shore, the rain lands on the zinc roofs, when clouds flow over mountains.

It’s in the smiles of the old, laughter of young, the boundless energy of nature, the unstoppable force of love, the immovable truth of conviction.

Yes; I have heard it always, consciously and unconsciously, in my thoughts and in my emotions. I remember this song as it played in lives passed away, in the life at present, in the births of future lives.

It reaches forth and touches the soul, collides with the heart and bids forth dreams.

Oh yes; I know this song. It breathes in a world within a world that’s lost in the world… it is my sisters shoulder when days are dark, my bothers protection when enemies are about. 

It is old school classics, vintage collector’s items in the market of life. It holds no logic. It has no need to be understood. It speaks not to the conscience, reaches deeper than the afterlife. It is of the ether, lost within the energies, amalgamated within the souls.

Music reminds me of you, of us. It reminds me of me.


Record Label based in Brisbane, Australia

Ye olde vegan. Love animals? It takes a lot of love to not eat/wear/exploit/gamble on their precious lil souls. Be a safe human bean in a world that 'forgot' to value kindness to animals/people/mama earth xx

PS. If you find this page + we share a lot of DNA 🙃 (hi to my long lost siblings), please get checked for Serrated Polyposis Syndrome (SPS), Factor V Leiden, Endometriosis + Hypermobile Ehlers Danlos Syndrome (hEDS).

SPS :: I had nil symptoms: x6 surgeries in 14 months (every 3mths); 74+ biopsies + x2 lesions; most precancerous. Rapid recurrence (twice) identified at 2 sites near my caecum; with polyps regrowing in 3mth intervals (biopsied Sep 2024, recurrence found Dec 2024 + recurrence found again Feb 2025). Polyps usually take 10yrs to grow; these popped up in 3 months. My 7th surgery in 20 months is planned for August 2025.

Dysplasia is advanced so if it hadn’t have been found, I would have had BC very soon. I am so lucky that this was found by chance. I've been vegan for almost 20 years + I think this saved my life. My GP was stunned when he saw the histopath - I would've had BC within a year or so. My only symptoms were bloating, burping + abdominal pain, all of which I attributed to endometriosis + reflux.. I am so thankful that my GP + first Specialist chose to take it seriously (especially since I have no medical history from my biological father's side of the family).

I’ve got an appointment with the Head of Endoscopy at The Alfred in mid June. Prof Brown asked me to attend their GI Risk Management Clinic + I suspect they’re going to want to broach the idea of resection. My Specialist in Sydney had mentioned that partial or complete bowel resection is a possibility, and potentially a permanent or temporary stoma. It was a lot to digest then, but I'm at peace with whatever unfolds. It may be that this never eventuates but recurrence twice isn't something I take lightly so I'll be guided by Prof + the other surgical teams advice.

I was fortunate to access DNA testing at Westmead's Familial Cancer Service in Dec 2024 for SPS. Thankfully, this excluded other polyposis conditions, so we *only* have to worry about inheriting bowel cancer ('stool' better than nothing!).

Despite my Gastroenterologist + Geneticist both writing letters (2024 + 2025) advising the risk to my first degree relatives, NSW Health + The Royal Hospital for Women, Sydney (IVF Clinic where we were conceived) opted not to search for my siblings to let them know to get checked (they're at x3 times the risk of bowel cancer; my risk is 25-40%). My Geneticist will do her best to tell my siblings, so even if I can't - there's a contingency plan.

My Gastroenterologist + Geneticist have been shocked that NSW Health + the RHW haven't taken the necessary steps to tell my siblings + our biological father, his children (also our siblings) + grandchildren - they are also at x3 times the risk of bowel cancer. Interestingly, even if my relatives have a clear scope, my Geneticist was emphatic that they'd need repeat scopes every 5 years - which should give an indication of their risk. I've offered to submit my DNA to be checked against the Guthrie Test DNA databases - TBC! We need a National approach to ensure consistency + prevent individual states/IVF Clinics from adopting a cavalier cowboy approach to disseminating (or not) critical health information to our relatives (our family) 🤔

Please know I've tried to get politicians to help protect my siblings :: Federal, NSW + VIC. I haven't had the energy to ask for help from the media yet. I feel so much guilt that I have this information + my siblings don't, yet no one seems to care. We matter, until we don't. IVF Statistics that count :: live births (not premature deaths from decidedly unsexy inherited conditions). It's a bum deal 🥳🥁

I've been vegan for 19 years, alcohol-free for a decade (after I read the links to cancer; there's no safe amount, even 1 drink per day or binge drinking significantly increases our risk). As my GP said, 'You can do everything right but you can't outrun a genetic condition'.

Love from a very tired human bean ♥️⚓

PS. I'm on GEDmatch (A189256) so irrespective of where you've taken a DNA test, you'll be able to upload your raw DNA data file. Most of my work is on Ancestry; if you need help accessing it, reach out to my cousin, Nicky (NoK). Our DNA is a puzzle! I've solved many other cases but our relatives must have migrated everywhere - we have close matches in NZ, UK, US, etc. Maybe it'll fall into place in time.. or it won't.. just know I've tried my best to get this information to my family xx

'Don't Cry, It's Only Death' –– it's not as though the IVF Industry listened to us 12 years ago when my mate Rel (Narelle Grech) died of inherited bowel cancer on 26 March 2013. We first met as 15 year olds + joked that it would take one of us dying before Politicians, Doctors + Commissioning Parents would take our concerns seriously re: lack of access to accurate + updated medical history. She should be here instead of me; Rel is/was one of the kindest souls I've ever met.

Whitley - My Heart Is Not A Machine

Dew Process