This was inspired by the following BBC article about Gail Albert-Halaban.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p08jjh3x

Although, it's turned into more of a love song to a stalker, can at least be interpretted that way.  That was unintended, but there we go! 

In searching for a "fly on the wall" image on Google, I was annoyed to find this was also the title to a Miley Cyrus song - ah well! 

Lyrics...

You could just watch me through the window
To see a little glimmer show 
of my life much like a bird at rest
It’s the one place that I’m at my best

You could just watch me while I’m eating,
Watching TV, pick my toes, and sleepin 
Who knows how well, can you see through my shell?
Who knows what I dream underneath your spell

You’re like a fly on the wall
One that silently crawls
I don’t see you at all but I feel
A little shift in the air
While I whisper alone
It’s the only way you’ll see me for real

You needn’t hide you’ve got this covered
These lights inside mean that I won’t discover
What might lay outside, gazing with those scoped eyes
Kind of out of mind, in the dark of night

No need to stop I won’t know better
You may just pass by fade much like the weather
Guess I’d never know, won’t feel what you admire
Like a worm in sight of birds upon a wire

You’re like a fly on the wall
One that silently crawls
I don’t see you at all but I feel
A little shift in the air
While I whisper alone
It’s the only way you’ll see me for real

** remastered 2024

Fly On The Wall

If you so happen to like this, please please give me a like.  

The only thing from the original recording is the vocal, me in 2002.  I've kept the original vocal because I like how I stylised it, though I'm not entirely sure what I was aiming for there, most likely trying to sound like someone - though I can't remember who! 

It's got the benefits of being a voice about 19/20 years younger than the present one!  I'm by no means fallen to pieces, but have a notably different voice at 42 to the one I had at 22! I did try to re record a little piece of the vocal, just a couple of words, won't say which bit, only because it was a lyric I didn't love, but that sadly made the voice difference over 20 years glaringly obvious, because of which I've left the vocal as it was. 

Lyrics

You always tell me that I'm looking fine
I know you know I've got things on my mind
I know I've been lost and, in the freeze,
Been beaten down, the bruises only I can see!

I feel the cold wind cut close to the bone
At times when I feel like I’m on my own
But no, I ‘m still me 
I’m still me!

Just need a little recovery
Try and be the way I used to be
And see the things I used to see
A smile on my face
But smiles can be misplaced
In time, can be erased
But mine will be replaced
Will be replaced!

You exorcize the things that haunt my soul
Can leap through fire when I’m not alone
But no I'm not brave
My life's another slay
Inner punches by my fist alone
Struggles twine themselves around my throat
But no I'm still me
I’m still me!

Just need a little recovery
Try and be the way I used to be
And see the things I used to see
A smile on my face
But smiles can be misplaced
In time, can be erased
But mine will be replaced
Will be replaced!

Sometimes I feel like there’s just no way out
Feel like my body’s knocked into the ground
I know I seem to have lost all control
My frail image might have lost it’s soul

But I know, still, I won’t go! 

Just need a little recovery
Try and be the way I used to be
And see the things I used to see
A smile on my face
But smiles can be misplaced
In time, can be erased
But mine will be replaced
Will be replaced!

Re-uploaded 20/9/23 (that's just for my reference).

Recovery (2002)

Featuring https://soundcloud.com/onesixtwo

I wrote and sung the lyrics and melody, as inspired by the title of an already arranged and titled backing track by https://soundcloud.com/onesixtwo.  OneSixTwo stitched it all together, and this is what came of it.

Last Breath Ft. OneSixTwo (2022)

If not feeling particularly terrific, maybe something like this may help you to feel a little less alone in those moments.  It's really just about some of those thoughts we sometimes, or always, struggle to let go of.  A reflection on self-fulfilling prophecies, in some respects, too much focus on the negative, and similar treasures!

I wrote this when I was 22, 21 years ago.  Adjusted the lyrics a little bit, but only a  tiny bit (extra verse too), but was still quite surprised by them ahead of the tweak, and also sad to find myself relating to these lyrics nearly 22 years later. 

Production wise, regards mastering, I like this in my headphones, but don't like it so much played through my speakers. Needs a tweak at least.  

Lyrics

You don’t know what it’s like for me
Always trapped inside my head
I'm not even old but I’m dead
Don’t know how I survive going to bed

Quick little fixes from time to time
Mean nothing to my mind, my soul
I’m not even old but I’m dead
So far away in my head

Can’t keep giving my life away
Fallin’ to pieces day by day

It’s in my blood
It’s in my blood
It’s in my blood
Everything I’ve touched
Everything I’ve Loved
It all get’s dead
It all get’s painted red

Every time I try to hide, something 
Get’s me trapped inside my head 
Can’t seem to be heard like I’m dead
I feel like I’m cold, inside my bed

Everything I seem to like flips a 
Switch inside my mind love comes
To take my breath, I feel dead
The things I have hang by a thread

Can’t keep giving my life away
Falling to pieces day by day

It’s in my blood
It’s in my blood
It’s in my blood
Everything gets cursed
Everything I love
It all get’s red

It’s in my blood
It’s in my blood
It’s in my blood
Everything I’ve touched
Everything I’ve Loved
It all get’s dead
It all get’s painted red

Red (2002)

Written and recorded in 2023.  

Lyrics


Asleep on my feet, 
Way beyond the break of dawn.
Someone here might just kill themselves,
I might miss the alarm!    
I could be behind the wheel,
But something else gets me home.
So much here if I let myself, 
See all that's being shown.

I’m leaving a job I can’t stand, 
And no doubt the next will be much the same.
But whatever that came to be, 
There’s only myself here to blame.
I’m leaving some friends on their own, cause no doubt, 
I need to correct my course.
And if for them their burdens get more and more, 
I won’t rest them assured anymore!

See I’ve been everywhere,
Also nowhere, at the same time,
Just locked up in something and someone else.
See I need a little me, for a 
Little while, not a long time,
A little something for I me me I myself.

All the words I can say,
have become a strange little shield.
Hell if they really knew what lives here, 
how I think, to them it might seem unreal.
Seem’s all I can say, 
Is what they think I should believe.
I’m expected to cut myself loose, 
And slip into the steam.

I’m somehow tied down, buried deep in the ground, 
And no doubt, got myself here to blame. 
And whatever I came to be, 
I am told I should feel more ashamed.                                
But I’ll leave it and just run a muck, 
And see if I can find where I am,
And throw all these new ideas aside, 
'Cause this course is a course I can’t stand – can’t survive!

See I’ve been everywhere,
Also nowhere, at the same time,
Just locked up in something and someone else.
See I need a little me, for a 
Little while, not a long time,
A little something for I me me I myself.

I Me Me I Myself (2023)

It’s really just a song about being yourself, whatever that is, all being well for the better, in the face of adversity.

Not all that on the nose lyrically, well it kind of is, however, has a few personal references here and there, so I can see what I appear to be going on about, for myself at least!  The moments I mention relate to encounters with bullies, and a tad too much bravery when young.

Shine

Shine (2021)

This was written in 2006 (re-recorded in 2023) with a genuine sense of gratefulness towards some key friends back then, girlfriends in particular, still around, whom at that time I had around me a lot, a time when I wasn't so adept at problem-solving relatively simple life challenges, when I think back.

Anyway, having gotten a good deal older, and having listened to this just recently, and while re-recording it, it occurred to me that I must have at times been an enormous weight on the shoulders of some of my friends - something of an energy vampire, without meaning to be.    A certain amount of arrested development in my case, perhaps!   I had my good points, certain aspects of attraction, I was young and charismatic, most of the time, however, I must have really been a drain on occasion.   

Weirdly I go on about nourishment at some point, and hunger, so maybe I was thinking of myself as an energy vampire when I was writing it, though I doubt it.  

My artwork is, as you may have guessed, a prompt-generated AI smash-up that I quite like.  Generated by my own prompts.  Took me ages to get something I liked!

Quite an unusual song structure for me A B C A B C D E F C D E (something like that).  

Lyrics

Song from an Energy Vampire (or the Luckiest Man Alive)

I fall to safety again
Into the arms of a friend
When I feel lost
They’ve got me spotted

The eyes of one of many angels that guard me
Taking time to help me through what could harm me
When I think of all the strength that they give me
I am the luckiest man alive

More than the guy with money to burn
That’s just a piece of what I have learned

Love has no bounds
It gets me around
I’ve got the view
When I sometimes loose

They’re just a call away and I could feel better
I don’t need them to write it down in a letter
Just a word or two and I will know better
That I’m the luckiest man alive

More than the guy who only feels worth
When tied to the money and homes he has earned

***

Oh oh and I am blessed by my ladies
Oh oh and I am best when they take me

Into the arms of their loving smile
It’s all I need to feel unchanging
In the waves of the coming tide
I’m swept aside, and I’m the luckiest man alive

I’ve been drinking on their healing water
I am nourished by the well of another
When they're around I never feel hunger
I am the luckiest man alive

More than the guy with money to burn
That’s just a piece of what I have learned

Oh oh and I am blessed by my ladies
Oh oh and I am best when they take me

Into the arms of their loving smile
It’s all I need to feel unchanging
In the waves of the coming tide
I’m swept aside, and I’m the luckiest man alive

Luckiest Man Alive (2006)

Please consider dropping me a like, would help a lot!  😃 👍

I wrote this one in 2001, when I was 21.  Re recorded 19/9/23, some 22 years later.  The original vocal was weirdly good, and I remember at the time not having a mic, and having to sing into the earpiece of my headphones.  Making the best of limited means.   Annoyingly the original vocal was attached to the original backing, which was little to be desired!

The song was written following a very small argument with a friend (an argument I remember having over the phone, though can't remember what it was about), which was also very soon after I had met someone who became something of a long-term partner.  I was prioritising in a way that potentially alienated my friend somewhat, because for some reason I couldn't seem to strike a balance, which soon after inspired this song.  No such problems these days - the trappings of young love I suppose!  

I do realise that the first two lines might be somewhat reminiscent of Elton John's Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word, but can assure you they're not the same, though maybe a similar sort of opening question.   

Lyrics

Harmony

What do I do when you don’t want me
What do I do when you don’t care
I can’t expect myself to go on
I’m lot without my friends
And I’m scared

There’s a strange situation hanging over
And I’m sorry to say it brings me doubt
You seem to think because I’ve got my lover now
I’ll bag you up and throw you out
But I’m scared

Don’t be estranged to my solutions
I’d like to feel more complete
I can’t take sides I don’t want distance
With peace I’d like to have both sides live in harmony

You say you know me all too well
But for us there’s been know other way
So how could I forget myself
Any change would be my dying day
And I’m scared

Please don’t deny me any reason
For the way that I behave
And give me time to stike the balance
Cause now to love I am this slave
And I’m scared. 

Don’t be estranged to my solutions
I’d like to feel more complete
I can’t take sides I don’t want distance
With peace I’d like to have both sides live in harmony

Don’t be estranged to my solutions
I’d like to feel more complete
I can’t take sides I don’t want distance
With peace I’d like to have both sides live in harmony

Harmony (2001)

If you like this track a little bit, please hit the like button for me! 😁👍

Another song that I've dragged out from my archives. Wrote this in 1999, however changed the lyrics quite a lot in 2023. Not a fan of the title, seems a little bit cliche, maybe, but then again I'm not sure any of my other titles are otherwise captivating, in an especially original way!  I suppose the title alone says something about what the song's actually about, so will give it that.  

Having listened to it a few times, tweaking levels, and so on, I'm thankfully starting to forget the original 19 year old boy lyrics! 

Lyrics

You are the One

Only once I lost the fight
Right then I couldn’t stop the light
Ran into you, and that’s when I fell
In something new, heard ringing bells
An accidental change of scene
Was like the world had gone crazy
Upon a sudden shift in me
Was steeped in something more complete

You are the one
You've pulled me into the light
My kind of scene
The one where
You are my life, I am your life

It seems I failed to just be me
But hey that’s fine cause now I see
It seems I failed to comprehend
I was just going round the bend
I painted myself into walls
Brush stroked my demons too I’m sure
You reached in pulled me from the deep
Gave me a kind of energy

You are the one
You've pulled me into the light
My kind of scene
The one where
You are my life, I am your life

You are the one

AI-generated art, care of a few prompts, of course, as I can't draw a thing!!!

You Are The One (1999)

Inspired by Wondavision, funnily enough, written right after I finished it, and is a song that hones in on denial, as it relates to grief in particular.  Could mean something else I suppose, but this song just burst from me after seeing that show in particular.   I did initially call it "I, Wonda," however that drives it away from what it's closely linked too, and too close to what it was inspired by, in a way that wouldn't mean very much to anyone that hears it.  However the character's name clearly inspired that title, only spelled differently, and for good reason. 

I Wonder

I wonder where you went
Was It pretend, do I see what I see?
I wonder if there’s any way
To mend what I came to believe

I could cry, but I could lie
Yeah, I could feel something that isn’t real
I could live, blow off the lid
Yead, could pretend that I never lost you my friend

I wonder if there’s something at the end 
That I’d come to see
I wonder if I’m pushing 
Into what might be a worthwhile belief

I’d rather lie, who cares my mind
Will come to end, might as well just pretend
Just deny, shine a dull light
Switch the reels, pick movie themes I wanna feel
Feel, I’d make a deal
I don’t really mind just some other light
Give me something that isn’t so real

I wonder how it felt 
If it’s still there or if it’s nothing at all
I wonder if it’s some kind of fall 
or like hitting a wall

I would cry, but I’ve gone dry, 
This well of denial I don’t think will fill up for a while
Won’t pinch my skin, cause that might begin
To wake me up, and rip of the seal to this cut

I wonder if there’s something at the end 
That I’d come to see
I wonder if there's something
Just something good here to believe

I’d rather lie, who cares my mind
Will come to end, might as well just pretend
Just deny, shine a dull light
Switch the reels, pick movie themes I wanna feel
Feel, I’d make a deal
I don’t really mind, speak some other line
And give me something that isn’t so real

I Wonder (2021)

My first-ever song.  I wrote this in 1997, as a 17-year-old child, at which time it was just called "With You." I've changed a couple of the lyrics, to make them a little better, just a little but otherwise tried to keep it how it was, however it's still rather schmaltzy.  Recorded 2023, day of upload actually, after finding this song among scraps of paper I had in an old folder.  

There's a particular chord progression in this that I know I used in a number of songs I wrote soon after this, this little thing in particular Eb - D - Gm, which I had a strong liking for at the time.  I can remember why, but it's a shame I got stuck writing the same kind of thing initially.  

Anyway, I was inspired to write this, as a child, after watching "An Audience with Elton John," minutes after it finished, someone who I became a keen fan of for a while after that, who also is a particularly heavy influence on my earlier output.  I just looked up the date that aired on ITV, which means I wrote this on the 27th of September 1997, while my parents were out with friends, unaware of what their son was up to at home, alone - striving to be a STAR!!!  

One of the original lyrics I had to change, a particular line, goes on about this love interest "blowing out my candle," which was clearly a vomit-enducing Candle in the Wind reference, thing, in some effort to be a little more like Elton at the time, I suppose.  CRINGE!!! Anyway, that's been amended now, some 26 years later! 

Anyway, it's still schmaltzy as hell, given I wanted it to be as close as possible to how it originally was, way back when.  

It's a pity I can't find a recording of this, as much as it would sound dreadful.  I know that I did record it at the time, and a little later, with the limited means I had.  I haven't gone through all my cassettes and mini disks from back then though, so who knows, it may grace my ears again at some point in many years to come. 

I'm worried that this might get more traction than my other tracks.  I couldn't bear it if this particular one ended up at the top of my most popular list, but then it's a risk we have to make when we post stuff like this.

The artwork is just a load of Ai generated rubbish!

Anyway, here are the words.  It's clearly about being obsessed with someone or other, though I don't remember who! 

Lyrics

Love is a storm
It rips your heart out
Tears though your mind
They say true, true love never really dies
I can’t move through this wreckage deep inside

Pain can be deep
So deep your soul can’t
Take any more
If only, someone knew what I’m going through
They’d dig me in so deep that I can’t see you

Cause I think that if I could be
The one to hold your hand
My life would be free from all the pain I’ve had
You know I want you in my life
You know that I need you by my side
This feeling just takes over 
Whenever I’m with you
Whenever I’m near you

I fail, to believe
That I don’t need you 
When you come near me
I need to blow out this fire
When you come to spark
Find time for me to guide me Through the dark

Cause I think that if I could be
The one to hold your hand
My life would be free from all the pain I’ve had
You know I want you in my life
You know that I need you by my side
This feeling just takes over 
Whenever I’m with you
Whenever I’m near you

Whenever I'm Near You (1997)

Written in 1997, with a 2024 lyric adjustment.  

A song about trying to remain in blissful ignorance towards what's going on around me.  NOT the original lyrics.  This was the second song I ever wrote, back in 1997, some time in October, and upon seeing those lyrics today I decided to completely change the lyrics and meaning of the song. It was an "i'll be there for you" shmaltzy horror show, a ha, suggesting I was the kind of person that would loose a body part for the best interests of someone else, however I'm a lot more closed off these days, as a 44 year old, and more inclined to protect myself.    These new lyrics are all new apart from the first three lines, which were the first three lines of the original song, then titled "From One to Another."  I might re record the original lyrics, but those will be for my own ears, then again I might add it as an extra for anyone that buys this one on something I put out in the future on Bandcamp, among a series of alternatives, after it's been refined somewhat.

Lyrics Re-written, and the song Re recorded 01/01/2024

Anyway, here are the lyrics

I know you’re in pain
I know you’re feeling sad
What is this life doing to you?
I feel it bother me
So I put down the news

You would feel lonely
If you come next to me
Denial behind my eyes
An ignorant strength inside
And if you need me
I'm not there for you

Cause life, can be, oh so hard
I’m here, to just get through
I’ve got no means, to save you from your ends
I’m not a treasure trove of gold for unknown friends

I sure have empathy
But feel it cut through me
I really don’t know why
I don’t light up inside
Give off a dim glow
For lives I just don’t know

Cause life, can be, oh so hard
I’m here, to just get through
I’ve got no means, to save you from your ends
I’m not a treasure trove of love for unknown friends

Cause life, can be, oh so hard
I’m here, to just get through
I’ve got no means, to save you from your ends
I’m not a treasure trove of gold for unknown friends

(A little observation some 8 days since posting - 918 clicks, and 11 likes, which means I've only had about 20 listens, at least I hope so, as so few likes compared to the click count would be a pity!)

Breathe (2002)

All being well the lyrics say enough to suggest what this is about.  Funnily enough, it's not about me, how I was feeling, it's about my perceived view of someone else feelings, towards me coming into their life at the time.  What a grotesquely overblown ego!  Maybe knowing that takes something away from the song.  Such thoughts don't come into my mind any more thought 🤣

In any case it's about feeling repaired, care of someone else with a better mind for best interests and all that.

Mostly written in 2007, aside from a new lyric that I wrote yesterday to replace a repeated lyric that I had for some reason, something that didn't do the original song any favours at all. 

Lyrics

If I try I just might 
Change my ways break my cage
If I loose I could choose 
Different things Use my wings

If I fall I am told
Loosen up Won’t hurt as much
Cut your strings then fall again

I could face another time in time
Adding more to those I’ve left behind
Making every move I make fit well
Yet fail to change the stories that I tell
Lately I’ve been taken by the hand
Something that I never really planned
States of change that really frighten me 
But something in this hand is keeping me

Safe and life feels much easier 
To achieve and I’m less insecure 
And believe that I’ve got something more
Something more

If I cry I will find 
Parts of me I rarely see
As I show my old bones 
Those old things I use for strings
If I fall I am told
Pick it up, make no fuss 
Take my hand, you can stand!

I could win, loose well , if I just try
But never know while dragging far behind
Blaming just the game, scream “it’s not fair!”
While failing to admit I’m running scared
Refusing to commit, to not give out
Not see just how I’m fleshing out my doubts
For everything I did before each fall
Before you picked me up and made it all

Safe and life feels much easier 
To achieve and I’m less insecure 
And believe that I’ve got something more
Something more

Safe and life feels much easier 
To achieve and I’m less insecure 
And believe that I’ve got something more
Something more

Something More (2007)

Written in 2002, re-recorded in 2024.  I did upload the original, but couldn't stick with that in the end, and just had to redo it.   I then re recorded the vocal, and like that, but think i much prefer the original vocal with the new backing. I've got options to switch to the newer vocal, should that be a better decision in the end, but so far I like the mix of old and new here.

It's a song about loss, and in that regard loss of any kind that springs to mind, as far as those things you love are concerned. 

Lyrics

Can’t be too sure of what you love cause you might loose it
If you’re so sure put money where your mouth is you might have to prove it
You can’t say for sure
You can’t say for sure

Changing faces I could never know them all
Changing places there’s different writing on the walls
It’s just the way the story goes
Too many things a life could know or take on board
It just the way that things turn out
In different lights you thought would never show
but the trouble is you never know.

Can’t be too sure of what you love cause you might loose it
If you’re so sure put money where your mouth is you might have to prove it
You can’t say for sure
You can’t say for sure

Season feelings take away the fun that you once saw
New beginings when I prefered the one before
There’s nothing I could ever see
That to be honest would surprise me of life’s true stories
It’s just the way that things turn out
The level headed become unsteady
You won’t be ready

Can’t be too sure of what you love cause you might loose it
If you’re so sure put money where your mouth is you might have to prove it
You can’t say for sure
You can’t say for sure

It’s just the way the story goes
Too many things a life could know or take on board
It just the way that things turn out
In different lights you thought would never show
but the trouble’s you never know.

Can’t be too sure of what you love cause you might loose it
If you’re so sure put money where your mouth is you might have to prove it
You can’t say for sure
You can’t say for sure

Followed by some other repetitions!

Can't be too Sure

Can't Be Too Sure (2002)

I think I fancied myself as something of a John Lennon when I wrote this, when I was 19, way back, at least I'm certain I had a particular song of his on my radar a lot back then.  If I remember rightly it must have been Jealous Guy - with that in mind I'm annoyed to see I've got "..... Guy" in my own title, but still, at least it's its own thing.  However, all the "nah nah" stuff was clearly, very clearly, inspired by a bunch of other 70s artists. 🤣

I'm conflicted about the arrangement on this one, though at times like it, but rather than just overthink it thought I might as well just upload it.  It's stripped back at the minute, and what I'm conflicted with is ideas I have around adding additional layers!

There's a lovely naivety evident in the lyrics, as if I'd somehow got to the bottom of it all in this moment! 


Lyrics

Time before the story every knew my name
Life so kind to me now nothing's quite the same
Days will come some days won't go
Most will scar you to the bone

I don't feel ready for that life that I don't know
The one i'll find

Guess I'm an ordinary guy
With ordinary dreams
In an ordinary world
With ordinary things

Na na...

Things unfold as I begin to cross the line
Tales untold to me I find along the ride
I won't pray but I can hope
Please no slip noose on my life long rope

I don't feel ready for that life that I don't know
The one i'll find

Guess I'm an ordinary guy
With ordinary dreams
In an ordinary world
With ordinary things

Ordinary Guy (1999)

Jordan Peterson welling up in many a recent TV interview inspired this song, I suppose on account of it reminding me just how vulnerable I am to such things.  I'm very easily triggered into tears, could be caught out by anything really.  I try to hide it more often than not, but sometimes I have no choice in the matter!

Found it very hard not to overproduce this, and I'm pleased I managed, at least I think so, to arrange this without needing to overproduce it.

Lyrics

I cry because creature pain pains me
I cry when happiness is achieved,
I cry because I care about things most folk just ignore
I cry myself soaked, I’m like a puddle on the floor

I cry, and most times I can never predict
I cry as I’m triggered by the simplest of things
I cry when the conversation’s got me lit
I cry because I simply can’t help it,

When certain stories ring 
It’s like I’m left out in the rain
When something unexpected stings
It’s like I’m crying on parade

I cry because I cannot stem the flow
I cry and it’s never just for show
I cry not just because I feel depressed
I cry sometimes, even when I feel my very best

I cry when somethings got me hooked
I cry when I feel I’m off the hook
I cry sometimes when I’m feeling scared
I cry myself dry, but sometimes drown myself in bed 

When certain songs are sung
Takes just a spark to set me off
It’s just like pulling out the bung                  
Feels like it’s never gonna to stop

When certain tales are spun
It’s like I’m swept up in the storm
There’s nothing here can be undone
A simple truth I can’t ignore

I Cry (2023)

Okay, so much like "Creep" this one comes with a "this song isn't very nice" memo, in all fairness though imagining a first-person point of view towards morbidly curious, mocking visitors.  Was inspired by the "Meal Ticket" segment of The Ballad of Buster Scruggs at the time (though I didn't like the movie), and a fascination I've had with such things over the years (the horrible history of these things).

I mention photography and featuring in people's "slides," however don't suppose such a thing was possible then, now that I think about it. Photography was, however personal slide shows likely not! 🤣

Creature (2018)

Ultra simple song, basically about me, and I guess most of us on the internet, Youtube, but the internet generally speaking.  It's about how we start curiously looking at things, and within a few hours find ourselves unnervingly changed by the end of it, swept away by all sorts of stuff, for the most part algorithm-generated attractions, and other noise!

Rabbit Hole (2022)

A song about the courage that some of us need in order to muster up the strength to ask someone we've fallen for out on a date.  I've always been one of those that's always held back, fear of rejection being the influencing factor.  Some people leap and fly, while others just fall.  I'm always too frightened of the fall to allow myself to take the leap at all.  I've been lucky in some ways, in that I've been purposefully pushed into people, and something's cropped up, but I've never actually gone up to someone and made a move.  There was someone in particular I had in mind when I wrote this song.

There's some reference in the song to how I used to overcome such trials at school, as a child "see if she's interested!" 🤣

The Brink

The Brink (2022)

Quite simply a song about my childhood, at least a song about being a child without things like IPADS and such things to distract me.  Had stuff like that existed I may never have played with my imagination and friends, up to no good mostly, in the real world instead.  Who knows!

Alive (2020)

This is a song about our unreliable, often far more colorful memories, the best bits we might be inclined to take away from something, or somewhere.  There are occasions I think I vividly remember somewhere, a regular haunt from a while ago, only to go back and find I seem to have remembered something else - perhaps more my mood in another moment than the place itself.   Strong emphasis on childhood in that regard, a good one at least.  Nice companion to the song I uploaded before this, "Alive," in a way! 

Lyrics

I’ve have been here many times before
But I always see a different thing a different wall
There’s something missing that I remember
Or was it made by some pretender
To fill the spaces the cracks the in-betweens
To build the wall built by my dreams to find it’s stone
Crumbles down with just one view

I remember all those games I played
All the stories that I made in many worlds
At a time when it was fun to hide
Only friends with me in mind the good kind
It would be fair to say that nothing ever changed
Except the image of this place deep inside
Behind my eyes my painted mind. 

I remember my painted mind
I remember my brighter side

Deep inside my mind I can see my brighter side.

Painted Mind

Painted Mind (2009)

This is just a very simple song, reflecting on all the shiny aspects of a nice relationship, somewhere down the road!

I wrote it for a friend at work, in 2000, for their wedding anniversary.

Re recorded it in 2024, but just thought I'd keep it the same as it originally was in 2000, aside from the drastically improved production values!  I've not changed a single lyric, though very nearly did change the whole thing.  

I thought for a while that I must have taken something from someone else's song, and have looked, but can't find anything, but I think that that concern says a lot for a certain amount of potentially unavoidable cliche in this case.  I don't mean to be horrible about this song with that reflection, as clearly, in re-recording it, I must have been somewhat taken with it, so here it is.

Lyrics

Once my dream
Everything I ever wanted
Now reality
All the love just as I said
Was there for you and me
And even after all this time
You are still there for me
So close to me
That even when you close your eyes
I fall asleep

Inside your arms, inside your dreams
See everything you are brings out some best in me

And Heaven can wait
Cause baby you’re my saint
And I have been told
This love will never go cold
And Heaven can wait 
Cause baby you’re my saint
See Heaven’s too late
Cause baby you’re my saint

When you hold my hand
You lift away the aching scars
You seem to understand
You've pulled together all the parts
Of life that scattered free
Giving me another way 
To find that light you see
There for me
Giving me a hope to hold 
And ease my sleep

Inside your arms, inside my dreams
See everything you are brings out some best in me

And Heaven can wait
Cause baby you’re my saint
And I have been told
This love will never go cold
And Heaven can wait 
Cause baby you’re my saint
See Heaven’s too late
Cause baby you’re my saint
And Heaven can wait
Cause baby you're my saint

Saint (2000)

This was a difficult one to do because I tried to closely replicate how it was recorded by me in 1997, on my Farfisa F1 workstation.  Was a great bit of kit, at the time, and it's amazing what I was able to do with it.  In any case, I've remade this in a way that sounds close to how it did back then, only with much better equipment this time.  

I wrote this when I was 17, almost immediately after I wrote a sad song for a family friend's funeral "A Day will Come," which is on here too, I guess in some effort to write something a little more happy sounding.  This song is about a secure relationship, and a sense of aching that comes about when for some reason or other there are nights away from one another, that's it.

There are a couple of odd lyrics, well, one odd one at least, but I decided not to change it.  A lovely dollop of naivety here, that I wanted to keep hold of, in as many ways as I was able to achieve, making it pretty much exactly how it was in 1997, with a 2024 brush up and polish!

Lyrics

A year ago we met
It seems like only days
Since we kissed and held each other
A memory I'll always save
It seems to me time's running out 
Not something we can fight
And every time I hold you it seems
A second more till light

Time's a sickness 
Time's a weakness we can't cure
But if could we'd make it matter
Never drag our love across the floor
We can't stop the clock
Or stop the world from spinning round
It makes me feel as though my feet
Are stuck into the ground

I cry at night 
When you're not with me
Holding on to love
And keeping all my time 
Enclosed in your sweet life
I cry at night 
When the shadows of the day
Disappear 
And you're not lying there 
Close enough to drain my fears

A blooming rose inside your heart
Inside your smile
A kiss so pure so sweet to touch
I'm feeling like a child
Imagine what our lives would be
Always side by side
A roller coaster of a life
From darkness we shall hide

I cry at night 
When you're not with me
Holding on to love
And keeping all my time 
Enclosed in your sweet life
I cry at night 
When the shadows of the day
Disappear 
And you're not lying there 
Close enough to drain my fears

I Cry at Night (1997)

This isn't about "a way to get through" to people, just about "a way to get through" this little moment of experience, with everything that's going on around us, with consideration to differences between our respective points of view.  It's about both internal and external conflict, with respect to values and all that, both internally and externally opposing, and how we often change in that regard too.  It's by no means a creative masterstroke, but felt it was enough of something to throw out there.

This was an arrangement for an old song of mine, one that I was redoing, from 1997, which I came to realise I didn't like at all, and so changed the drums, the melody, and the lyrics, and turned it into this thing.  Wasn't planning to write anything new at all, and in some desperate attempt to move away from that old song I started, I slipped into writing a new one as if by accident.   I'll probably still finish the other thing, but will have to rearrange it now! 

Lyrics (one heck of a wordy chorus 🤣)

I run into the night 
Just Chasing down the spotlight
Nothing’s as it seems
I’m in a state of disbelief
Running for a cause
But don’t know what I’m looking for
I’m told it’s all too clear
But when I look there’s nothing here 

It all just disappears
It’s all just noise and fear
There’s really nothing here

I go where I go, it seems I’ve nothing to show
Sometimes left, sometimes right, but remain out of sight
It seems I do what I do, more for me than for you
In search of something that’s true, at least a way to get through
It’s like I’m dragging my feet, around a ton of beliefs
Sometimes right, most times wrong, and no one really gets on              
When finding something to do, face up to colliding views
Or stradling snippets of news to find a way to get through

I’m chasing down a dream
But all I see are enemies
A new religion on the shore
A swell of feeling at the core
Nothing here that I can hold
Just empty bodies empty souls
There’s really nothing to it all
Just echos bouncing off the walls

Can’t seem to fit into this mold
Somehow inflexible too old
But there’s nothing there at all

I go where I go, it seems I’ve nothing to show
Sometimes left, sometimes right, but remain out of sight
It seems I do what I do, more for me than for you
In search of something that’s true, at least a way to get through
It’s like I’m dragging my feet, around a ton of beliefs
Sometimes right, most times wrong, and no one really gets on              
When finding something to do, face up to colliding views
Or stradling snippets of news to find a way to get through


I go where I go, it seems I’ve nothing to show
Sometimes left, sometimes right, but remain out of sight
It seems I do what I do, more for me than for you
In search of something that’s true, at least a way to get through
It’s like I’m dragging my feet, around a ton of beliefs
Sometimes right, most times wrong, and no one really gets on              
When finding something to do, face up to colliding views
Or stradling snippets of news to find a way to get through

A Way To Get Through (2024)

The original recording I did of this in 2009 was odd, so in re-doing it today I had to keep it a bit strange, to some extent at least.

I suppose I'm singing about family, and making a family, in this song, though I don't have children of my own.  I have however recently donated to a clinic, in the interests of helping other families to have children, so at some point in time I may turn out to be a biological father to someone out there.

It might be clear, but I recorded this in defiance of a sore throat - another cold! 

Lyrics

I’m building a tree
And Its made of branches
With small sticks in between
To hold together all my leaves
I’m building a tree
I’m building a tree
High as a mountain
Above my every dream
Far beyond my destiny
I’m building a tree

And it will draw the sunshine
It will feed my limes
It will shield my birds
It will keep them dry
It will soften the wind
And guide its flow
To scatter my seeds
Where they build on their own

I’m building a tree
That moves through the earth line
Breaking through the deep
Stenghtening my aging peek
I’m building a tree

I’m building a tree
I’m building a tree
I’m building a tree
That’s free to grow
No matter what I do I won’t be on my own
It’s here to stay

And it will draw the sunshine
It will feed my limes
It will shield my birds
It will keep them dry
It will soften the wind
And guide its flow
To scatter my seeds
Where they build on their own

Building A Tree (2009)

A song about burning the candle at both ends, so to speak, all because it shines a lovely light, while doing our best to enjoy this little holiday away from nonexistence.  That's really all this is about.

It was an older song of mine, and I've both re-recorded it and changed the lyrics.  So, actually, it's a 2024 song worked around a song I wrote in 2000.  The song written in 2000 was requested by someone I haven't seen since then, not really, and so thought it might be worth recovering and making it about something I want it to be about.

Lyrics

I know that somehow I’ll end
I know that this all dies
Nothing can change, no compromise
(at) Least I'll be food for the flies

I’m just a moment of moss
That grew upon a rock
For now I’m something more than not
But I’ll rot

Oh just there there’s something new
Something else for me to make room
Just then it occurred to me
I’m just a leaf going down in the breeze

It burns through you
It consumes you
And it drives you through the wall
Sometimes heals you
Most times beats you
There’s nothing here to break your fall
But it still draws you in
Gets underneath your skin
Leaves you dancing for a while
It sings through you
Beats beneath you
Shoots you down
With the light you find

An ugly matter of fact
And there’s no turning back
And no it’s not part of my plan
Just something I understand

I grew upon this rock
Not too cold not too hot
Entangled in these goldilocks
I’ve got what I’ve got

Oh just then, it came to me
This little break from eternity
Might make it worth my stay
This holiday
No need to call it a day

It burns through you
It consumes you
And it drives you through the wall
Sometimes heals you
Most times beats you
There’s nothing here to break your fall
But it still draws you in
Gets underneath your skin
Leaves you dancing for a while
It sings through you
Beats beneath you
Shoots you down
With the light you find

The Light You Find (2000/2024)

This is pretty much the song as it was, back in 2002, with a couple of additional layers.  I was able to separate the vocal track, with software, which was helpful, enabling me to remix the chorus, or rather rearrange the vocal in a way that enabled me to keep the original vocal, and lift the chorus up a little.   I've also added a couple of additional layers that, at the moment, seem suitable.   I'm trying to keep it, just keep this 2002 presentation of the song, with a few adjustments, and am hopeful I've been able to, and can leave it there, to some extent, though there is a clear dip in so far as production values go, this coming from a time when I had very little indeed to work with.

It does need a little extra work, I think, but I'm okay to share it as a work in progress, or re work in progress.  There's a big part of me that wants to re record the entire vocal, to make a few lyric adjustments, battling another  big part of me trying to also respect my efforts at the time it was made.   The compromise here, so far, is within the adjustments I've described to some extent.

Beautiful Morning (Wake Up!) (2002)

The melody and chord pattern were dreamed up in 1998, but the song has since undergone a rescue effort in 2024.

The song was originally called "Suzy Suicide," and I must admit it was a serious lyric missfire.  The title was also a little flippant.  I'm a mental health nurse these days, and upon re-visiting this I felt a strong need to change the lyric altogether. It does however still refer to something in a potentially similar vein, in my wanting to stay at least a little close to where the song was originally, with respect being high up, with a potential drop on the cards.  The first line is the only line from the original 1998 lyric.

In any case the original story was about someone leaping from the top of a building, only to change their mind halfway down, but is now about the activities of people like James Kingston, and other free climbers. The new lyric also takes some inspiration from Phillipe Petit in the same regard, thinking about some of the things he said about his harness-free tight rope walk atop the Twin Towers (World Trade Centre), effectively saying that such a passing, due to a fall from the wire, were it to have occurred, would have been a beautiful last moment of life.

In any case the lyric is pulling from those people, I suppose individuals who don't feel their cogs moving unless they're amid rather extreme experiences, without which, I suppose, they don't particularly feel connected to life. Such things turn my stomach, but I suppose, for some people, being on the brink of something like that makes them feel alive.

Anyway, that's what I was shooting at, however, it's quite esoteric, as far as lyrics go, and could easily mean some other odd thing to someone else.

Seems it took me 26 years to finish this one! 🤣

Lyrics

Climbing up the staircase
A few floors left to go
Time to end the chase
Feels like I’m nearly home
When I get to the top
I’ll find some space and time
I’ll step into a portal
Reach the other side

I feel the earth, it’s pull
It’s lure feels stronger than a fire in the cold, yeah
won’t cover too much distance,
if I glide below
If I slipped it might feel like dreaming
And give me some new lifetime
Within a few short seconds
I might feel some kind of lifeline

There’s nothing here inside
No signals just my vital signs of life
Signs I don’t recognise
Nothing is clear behind these darkened eyes
But signs of life below
Some sign of other worlds that I could know
If just inside my mind
Some sign of light to brighten up these eyes
Some sign of life

I didn’t miss the news
But seems I’m none the wiser
It suits my tranquil solitude
The drum of nonsurvivors
They say don’t look down
But that just blunts emotion
I’m petrified but energised
Life could be over, just that notion!

I’m captured by an epic view
my gorgeous guiding spirit
The lights all twinkle down below
Their sparkle so explicit
I feel a surge beneath my feet
A foot forward, but I'm stable
I’m gonna trust the air I feel
I’m slipping free from all my labels

There’s nothing here inside
No signals just my vital signs of life
Signs I don’t recognise
Nothing is clear behind these darkened eyes
But signs of life below
Some sign of other worlds that I could know
If just inside my mind
Some sign of light to brighten up these eyes
Some sign of life

Signs Of Life (1998 / 2024)

I guess this song is about uncertainty, ruminating on such things, and wanting anything other than uncertainty in a particular moment when, despite there being signs of light ahead, it feels like you're just slipping into an unknown darkness.  Unhelpful sense of hopelessness at the base of it!

Lyrics

I’d love to know the route I found
Got something of a feel, but nothing really real
I’d love to know how this turns out
I’d love to strike a deal but, but don’t know what to steal
I don’t know where to go
No stars to map my road

I don’t know what I’m aching for
And when I try I see the stars go down
I don’t know what I’m waiting for
But then I lose and feel the stars go down

Oh what I’d give to be a step ahead
To get the layout of the land, before it all gets out of hand
I wanna see where these poor feet could tread
If just to know that I still can, while there’s still light upon the land
I don’t need to go
Could just die on this starlit/starless road

I don’t know what I’m aching for
And when I try I see the stars go down
I don’t know what I’m waiting for
But then I lose and feel the stars go down

I don’t wanna do what I know I’ve gotta do
I don’t wanna be what I know I’ve gotta be
I don’t wanna feel any changes in the air
I don’t wanna lose anything it isn’t fair
I don’t wanna cause the end that I’m not looking for
I don’t wanna close the only way in through the door
I don’t wanna go anywhere too far ahead
And I don’t want this feeling lasting, grasping

I don’t know where to go
No stars to map my road

I don’t know what I’m aching for
And when I try I see the stars go down
I don’t know what I’m waiting for
But then I lose and feel the stars go down

When the Stars go Down!

Interconnected (2024)

I've been writing songs for ages and ages, because it's something I enjoy doing, and that's about it. 

I've added dates to titles, however, these aren't always dates recorded, mostly just dates written because the original offerings, back then, had little to be desired with consideration to production values and all that stuff!  For the older tracks some tracks have the old backing with a modern vocal (often with a lyric rewrite), the original vocal with a new backing (when I could work with the original vocal, but not the original backing), the original song newly recorded in all areas, and less often the original vocal and backing, but with a few additions, "No" is one such example.  Otherwise, most of it is newer stuff, post 2018, and is as is, when written and recorded.    

I've had to re-record some things on account of my abilities to record demos and all that being very limited once upon a time.  

In the early days I only had a Farfisa F1 workstation thing (it's amazing what I managed to do on that), later an Atari ST, with Cubase 2 probably, a Proteus 2000, and Fostek 8 track recorder thing, and now I've got Native Instruments 14, and Cubase 12, in what amounts to an astonishingly good set up compared to my earlier resources, for about the same money as that older rubbish was back then. 

I still use the microphone I've had since I was 18, though did just recently upgrade that as well, however still pick up and use the old one, as it's still good - a Sure SM58 with a dent in it! My upgraded mic is a Sure SM7B, which is great, and I see it all the time on TV and podcasts, so must have made a good choice! 

My musical chops are focused on the piano, my main instrument, and the ukulele, which I play a lot as well.  Not doing a lot of piano-orientated songs at the moment, but I do sometimes, and mostly try to get the best out of my Native Instruments stuff.  I'm barely scratching the surface with all of the NI stuff I've got.

Dirk Diamond

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