I promised not to write to you

But here I am, writing. I no longer dream of our daughter, but I still think about how I'd tell her things, like the music that made me cry when I was her age, so she'd always know she's not alone. She would be incredibly strong. Just like you.

I still dream of you. Like in that damn Brodsky poem I recorded for you. I thought I'd share that recording and turn the page, but I still sneak a peek at your photos and admire the way you see and feel. I'm grateful that you don't reveal anything about your personal life. I'd lose my mind. I can't help but remember the heights we reached together and wonder whose touch now sets you on fire.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if you were dead. If only worms were touching your flesh instead of me. I've changed countries and apartments eight times, and I'm still haunted by the fact that eight is your favourite number. When I step on street grates, I always think of you. I finally washed your T-shirt last week, but for some reason, I made a playlist of songs you sent me. I'll get a fox tattooed on my ass from "Antichrist," the one that says, "Chaos reigns," screaming like Munch's painting. It's entirely in your spirit, and I see your smile and dimple.

If only you knew how little I care about anything without you.

Resilient resonance

Юра Каплан - 4:30

The name is a nod to minor OCD, a hint at what I'd rather not have, and a reminder about the file resolution publishing houses used to require. It also stands for "the introvert flushes twice", because music is a lot like humor, it either resonates or it doesn't.

Resilient resonance

.tift

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