I Don't Know

✝️______________✝️

Lock: 𝔱𝔥𝔲𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔯
Cross: Memorize Isaiah passages

The person I went to GA for was going to connect me with Mama Jann 
Or such was implied when word of mouth got to me, 
I would best describe it as Moses 
And Pharaoh 
To avoid technicalities 
This was also what I drew inspiration from, for the demos or old songs I sent. Some I have still, some I don’t. 

However, in my spiritual psychosis, I recall being frustrated that I was being treated in such a way 
when I hung on it as my only way out 
Established with praise and promises from his mouth that I was special 
Even amidst the demos that were terribly mixed, 
Particularly “searching for the rose”
(This time in my life was beautiful, and chaotically so, 
I was constantly overflowing with emotion.) 
At being pushed aside, after high praise, 
Believing I was high priority, 
I would talk to God. 
Constantly see crows 
Black butterflies 
Bubbling doubt within me 
But Georgia itself 
The steps I took 
Were a promising thing 
Doves and such. 
Eventually I ran into the first black snake I’ve recognized since becoming Christian. 
And I was very perceptive at this point 
But still held hope 
I started getting darker with my music
I was emulating spiritual aggression 
With a voice not always suited 
Though it improved my creative direction and versatility
I was deeply resonating with xxx 
And began to send bizarre, aggressive demos 
To a predominantly christian scene. 
After I sent stars, after several demos of no response, 
I expressed outside the song with God about what I should do, and fell on the consideration that maybe I should stand equally to him and ditch the treat I’ve been led by
Only a consideration, 
for I was sober 
for the worlds fruit 
But it was something, something that made me think it was exactly what I should do. 
I did, and we regressed from each-other for a time
I was frustrated entirely
But faithful to the time
I wrote “wishes.” 

A friend told me in my unknowing last minutes in Georgia 
Not to mess with the one person whom I spoke of 
That he was a snake and was known for putting many under the bus.
I considered a yin, because we made up, and naturally put certain boundaries, but he would mention my light shimmering every now and then, and I would consider his light to the same measure.
But ultimately I knew there was a parallel 
For I had seen one. 
But now I know that in my very own way 
I’m the same creature 
I’ve seen a leader of man take a picture of a snake 
Grazing the chat after I had my busy absences, to walk faith on my own.
I felt like I was shrewd enough to understand. 

Do I believe that my method of God 
is really making the right decisions that I never take on my own?

This is only more questions…

Did God have a purpose for spending my sister’s reimbursement money from the wound,
on advertisements that did nothing? 

Or 

Did God have a purpose for sending me back to FL 
In my craze to achieve, the obsession and prayer for a singular one, from the same method yet in black, 
To see them yet then and there? 

In the life I live 
I’m too far from sobriety 
Or perhaps too far from an illusion

The crow is always pecking at the eye of the sinner 
The locust always destroys and consumes the land 
The dove will always tell of God 
The falcon, will always wake me up. 

But nature is always beyond a real, tangible comprehension.
—
I’m done living this way 
“What does smoking do then? How is it really against you?” 
“It opens your heart to a new desire.” 
“Sin.”
“The identity…”
“It varies.” 
Right now I could have everything 
But the air in my lungs is tight 
And I’m addicted to the body. 
I cannot premise a contrast to myself 
Constantly caught in my own snares
I know how evil humans are 
Young, Old 
There is a reason they are always called children 
There is a reason we look at children and dote 
There is a reason we look at children and writhe 
But I know better than many others 
How evil we are

I Don't Know

NickHakim