I am going to cry just reading the lyrics

**Beat by Ben Maker**

i know it's been a long time since we last spoke
since i stood over this earth, since i last had hope
since i saw your face beyond a photograph
since i stood in front of you and saw you laugh
since we snuck around the people within our lives
to make everything work and to have our prize
your company was everything, they said you weren't meant for me
and my fear is one day that i'll forget the memories
but still living on in me is your pain and suffering
that i inherited since you finally left this reality
i've tried therapy, i've tried to pray, tried to meditate,
tried to fight it out, write songs, tried to medicate
tried to ignore it and move on in life
tried face the fact that you'll never be my wife
you loved all the coke and heroin more than anything
and when you left this earth, you fucking took everything

you left a hole in me
i can hardly breathe, i feel incomplete
and still i carry on, stay on my feet
i still can't believe
that you're dead and gone, i did nothing wrong
but still my blame game strong
what could i've done differently
that would have you still here standing next to me

i think about the time we pulled over quick
on the side of the road to have a go at it
covered in sweat, filled with lust, feeling ecstasy
but scrambling quick when we saw the police
or the time we took a dip in the state park creek
in the middle of the night, just you and me.
or the time i picked you up when you were first released
after writing all those letters back and forth with me
or the times i went out writing, and you came along
in the south philly streets where you first went wrong
but i remember the pain, desperation, and misery
when everyone couldn't find you in those city streets
we looked for days, i brought a small army
and finding you safe was my only peace
and when you popped up, you acted good and fine
you acted like my concern was straight up out of line
track marks and scars, crack smoke and bars
and making quick bucks in those strangers' cars
i knew it all, and still stuck with you
you sold the jewelry i bought you and my own shit, too.
they called me a sucker, called me dumb as fuck
and they called you a junkie, and they called you a slut
but it was us vs them, even when you weren't around
when i was banging on the doors in the bad parts of town
i wanted you happy, i wanted you to be free
i wanted to sit and watch you succeed
i never gave up, and never stopped loving you
not even after they told me they found dead in your room

you left a hole in me
i can hardly breathe, i feel incomplete
and still i carry on, stay on my feet
i still can't believe
that you're dead and gone, i did nothing wrong
but still my blame game strong
what could i have done differently
that would have you still here standing next to me

November Pain

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