nothing left to fear

you don’t understand how to understand me
I’m a façade of complexity
marching down the street baton in hand
in fancy frills like I’m fronting the fucking band
the ground feels unstable and trembling
holding hands we brace in waiting
afraid of losing control to just let go 
and give up everything we know
we don't know...

we don’t know where the time will go
or when the reaper will reclaim what she sowed  
we’re crossing bridges while looking down our nose
we’re superstitious crossing fingers eyes and toes
in a moment the moment’s gone
you could miss it if you sneeze blink or yawn
like watching in reverse the moves you make
when you shake the dream and start to wake

you don’t understand how to understand me
I'm a façade of complexity
floating down the street flower in hand
a fucking fool if I think I’m the magician
our house of cards is rotating
shuffle a vowel to see a new meaning
skeleton tree dimensional
keys endless tetrahedral

you don’t understand how to understand me
I’m a façade of complexity
marching down the street baton in hand
in fancy frills like I’m fronting the fucking band
the ground feels unstable and trembling
holding hands we brace in waiting
afraid of losing control to just let go 
and give up everything we know
what do we know...

there’s something heavy about the weight of breath
another thing that we can’t measure so we just guess
and what’s the difference plus or minus a few Grams
there’s nothing here that we can hold in our hands 
ancient forces twisting our fates
holding doors and closing gates
one hand two hands four limbs eight
chakras balance on spinning plates

vowel movement

eventually you just become another name
on an obituary page
scrolling off history forever
as one more wave
of people passing over you bury you
in one more grave
recycling the carbon and the molecules
with the obituary page
eventually you’ll just become a memory
a fleeting glimpse
of our endlessness manifest
in this experience
of pain and of joy and indifference
living in human skin
that grows and sheds and falls again and again and again…

ownbit

bedwritten

plaque on the teeth of an empire
dirt pressed against my face 
mind control for the children
alive here and ready to waste

away
again

when you’re gone past the morning
with light half spent leaking through
the trees keep the quietest record
of all the things you meant to do

ok?
pretend 

your seas are alive with the waving
approaching high tide in your mind
a bob and float overtaking
the islands you never could find

hid away
again

plaque on the teeth of an empire
dirt pressed against my face 
mind control for the children
alive here and ready to waste

fuzzmilk

Squirrel Flower at First Unitarian Church Side Chapel in Philadelphia on March 12, 2023

born in 1985, an adopted child of a heavy-hearted woman and a jolly/dejected father, I lived as a stranger in my skin for a while. life was not bad, it was undefined, lacking clarity and something more. ledges to latch onto on the climb through all the lessons of life were spread wildly across the face of a great mountain range with vast distances between chasms and peaks. I find recurring dreams, like winged monkeys in flying suits at night, circling the house. obviously, a classic Wizard of Oz motif. with no yellow brick road, I watch from my bedroom window... as a squadron of big men below, wearing fuzzy hats are holding silver spears, patrolling my own back yard. they move in unison through torch light flicker flames. I’m watching them marching. it’s frightening. I hear them singing, “OHREOHREOHREOHREYOHOHO…” wake up terrified and confused and alone. hear something calling me to look outside at four years old and I see the same scene I'd just seen, repeating. the men there, patrolling, their voices are booming, singing, “OHREOHREOHREOHREYOHOHO…”

recursing nightmare
see the ending at the start
nothing left to fear

Andy Shauf at Arden Gild Hall in Delaware on March 29, 2024

I saw it standing next to me
a face afloat in ecstasy
I watched it turn and tumble to the ground

the crowd was shouting
ringing bells
"unleash on us the hounds of hell!"
a fallen tale we love to tell ourselves

into the flames I will return
just close my eyes and feel it burn
my tricolored world melting down

I saw it standing next to me
avert my eyes like I can’t see
a world awaiting to unfold

this chemical smell of laundry
electric sky break over me
while birds ring out a round of hymns

into the grave I will return
I'll close my eyes and take my turn
in the disappearing game

I saw it standing next to me
a face afloat in ecstasy
I watched it turn and tumble to the ground

broken bio-inheritance
stringer lights on a wind blown fence
twisted blinking off and on

nothing here makes sense to me
everyone hates everything
I try to relate
what's the use

the novelty train keeps moving
huffing down the track again
soon it will be at your door

into the flames I will return
just close my eyes and feel it burn
my tricolored world melting down
my tricolored world melting down
my tricolored world is melting down…

lossless (airy may)

you don’t understand how to understand me
I’m a façade of complexity
marching down the street baton in hand
in fancy frills like I’m fronting the fucking band
the ground feels unstable and trembling
holding hands we brace in waiting
afraid of losing control to just let go 
and give up everything we know
what do we know...
we don’t know where the time will go
or when the reaper will reclaim what she sowed  
we’re crossing bridges while looking down our nose
we’re superstitious crossing fingers eyes and toes
in a moment the moment’s gone
you could miss it if you sneeze blink or yawn
like watching in reverse the moves you make
when you shake the dream and start to wake

you don’t understand how to understand me
I’m a façade of complexity
marching down the street baton in hand
in fancy frills like I’m fronting the fucking band
the ground feels unstable and trembling
holding hands we brace in waiting
afraid of losing control to just let go 
and give up everything we know
what do we know...
there’s something heavy about the weight of breath
another thing that we can’t measure so we just guess
and what’s the difference plus or minus a few Grams
there’s nothing here that we can hold in our hands 
ancient forces twisting our fates
holding doors and closing gates
one hand two hands four limbs eight
chakras balance on spinning plates

vowel movement (slim fast)

what's with wanting to be wonderful
with wanting to be free
with wanting to be someone who’s not me?
I’m falling through the cracks again

I heard the syncopation
so I planted different seeds
I twirled down a spiral of falling leaves
unlatched and flew around again
I crashed into the ground again
just smashed right through the ground again

I’m dying to be wonderful
I’m dying to be free
I’m dying to be someone I can’t be
I fall into the void again...

it's a comic sans irony
it's a brand new shiny start
this bright_morning_horizon.bmp art
gets dragged into the recycle bin

like these bodies that get worn out 
if we don't work them to the bone
smile and quietly hum the dial tone
attach onto that sound again
a match for two, a refound friend
a patch right through god's receiving end

where we could all be wonderful
and we could all be free
and we could all be someone we’re proud to be
and fall into love again...

keep sacrificing something
keep tearing something out
i'm keeping the faith and holding doubts
am i past due on this brain i rent?

if i'm dying to be wonderful
if I'm dying to be free
am i role playing some body i can't be?
a cold harsh truth rings hollow dead
these things I knew and kept unsaid
a labyrinth through what's inside my head

I wanted to be wonderful
I wanted to be free
I wanted to be someone who’s not me
I’m falling through the cracks again

no room for tomorrow

it's worried_windows.wav but in reverse

some strange, haunting, beautiful Eastern European / Nordic sounding song, hidden in the rewind button, apparently

worried_windows.wav (in reverse)

balloonhead

in memory of the camp mystic girls whose cabin was swept away in the flood and in memory of all our ancestors who have washed away

i am become death destroyer of worlds
we live in the midst of myth
shapeless figures emerge from the mist
the rivers that bring life also bring death
when the icecaps broke 12,800 years ago
the flood erased our ancestors almost
we find fragments
artifacts
monuments
from some remote human beings
they live although they are dead

younger dryas

only want to make you happy 
sometimes wonder if i can
bear the expense of things 
put on me like some Atlassian
there's nothing left to be holding on to 
that i didn't already find
on a fool’s journey through 
unconsciousnesses sacred heart and mind

standing showing barely growing
beneath the hedgerow treason is taking 
hold 

there’s a place where we escape 
inside our minds
some take the trip more often 
desperate attempt to keep it aligned
but when the weight’s not worth the lift 
I feel heaven's light
shrugging shoulders are here for you 
to lean on in case the end just might

arms left empty but still’ve got plenty 
of problems to haul around with nothing to
hold

so let’s go chase the new whatever until this feels fine
let’s go chase the new whatever just to feel fine
go chase the new whatever together we can waste our time
let’s go chase the new whatever until the end of time

shaking steady at the ready 
releasing control reason is taking
hold

if anything is holding me from being pure love 
all the time
pull out the anchor
unfurl the sheet
snap off the mooring line
abort the mission 
that i got roped in 
before i realized
that I can’t match up to my higher self 
weighed down by lies

standing showing barely growing
beneath the hedgerow treason is taking 
hold

holdn rough

thundering fighter jets rip the picturesque sky apart
another casualty in this senseless war of art
i heard a woman say that’s the roaring sound of freedom
and thought to myself her brain must be pretty numb
from feeding the insatiable war machines of the state
sick symbiotic relationship they use to dominate
one more two more how many more populations?
for the prosperity of our great fairy tale nation

oh say can you see?
patriotism ain’t the same thing as being free

pledging allegiance is a kontrol trick for human beings
yeah I know that’s hard to grasp especially when you are not seeing
the horrifying outcomes of the often spouted hollow phrases
like you can love it or you can leave it if you hate it
because here in the land of the free thanks to the brave 
you’re free to disagree but you’re just desecrating heroes' graves
kind of like the graves of men and grave of women and graves of little kids
who lived a whole lot like you with regional differences
different languages creation myths and skin pigment
cultural superiority is only a figment 
of a state sponsored second-hand imagination 
natural curiosity entertained to sleep and calcified with education

oh say can you see?
patriotism ain’t the same thing as being free

so peek through cracks in hands and see the nightmare we endorse
because even if we’re unaware we’re still passively pissing on the corpse
of whoever wherever however The Party next decide
will make for a healthy bottom line Q4 genocide 
is it easy to look away when it’s not your family on the business end
of the drone bomb chemical agents and generations of gene mutation
is it blissful to be naive to humanity tortured and torn?
or can you see the hypnotic free falling acrobatic aerial bomber porn
as just another jaw dropping tail spin tingling heir forced masturbation
glorifying war for one more generation?

oh say can you see?
patriotism ain’t the same god damn thing as being free
what will it take for you to see?
blind obedience binds us in chains of slavery

ultra kontrol

Wye Oak at Union Transfer. Palm was the opener (but not in this recording)

Wye Oak at Union Transfer in Philadelphia on May 14, 2018

friendly smiles passing with open eyes
crystal memories delude us all in time
we see just what we want to see
an idealistic view imbues the memory

like now is drowned in river current
an arrow curved around a sphere
we’re here to learn how long it takes to get back here

fear of fear our cultural belief
the time we get to give and take to keep
drip side down for hurried hearts
brown to blonde from end to start

like never ending nested Russian dolls
an arrow curved around a sphere
we’re here to learn how long it takes to get back here

carry us all shouting trending memes
nothing that you know is as it seems
flip perception on it’s head
to find old concepts we can blame shit on instead

like now is drowned in river current
an arrow curved around a sphere
we’re here to learn how long it takes to get back here

riding on the pendulum
it knows that where we’re going is where we just swung from
triple check my napkin math
square the root and follow on the circle’s path

like televising television sets
recursive screens cascading video playback
a chrysalis will bloom into a re-spawned pupal butterfly and so will you

you die like you’re a skipping track
you’re gone before you know you’re back
to come and slip into again
the consciousness you’d forgotten
like dreams you lose when you describe
how waking up feels less alive
than everything you thought was real
by now you’d think we’d know the deal

like time repeating time and time again
an arrow curved around a sphere
we’re here to learn how long it takes to get back here

like now is drowned in river current
an arrow curved around a sphere
we’re here to learn how long it takes to get back here

ontologic

plaque on the teeth of an empire

https://ericadams.wtf

eric adams

Pinned to spotlight

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