A Bastard's Diary.

[PROD. MEEJ.]

(LYRICS.)
I can see the Light-
But I’m still Dying inside when you talk to me.
Pray the lord my soul you’ll keep.
Everything I sowed, I reap.
Foreign hoes massaging me-
Monogamy; That’s obsolete. 
Said I’m not yo type but put a fight up when I try to leave.
They believe misogyny is my whole ideology.
You might be right but at the same time you might be wrong too.
Spring Break, a novelty.
I’ll spring and break her, honestly.
Break the Springs, she fall asleep.
Edge of the bed, I’m pondering.
My last name is King-
But I’m the furthest thing from Royal Highness.
Both my parents, still misguided.
Momma said to kill with kindness.
I’d much rather kill with violence.
Not afraid to break the silence.
Lost my mind, don’t try to find it.
I’d much rather kill myself.
Fully loaded handgun, put that on Patricia Grandson.
Put that on my pops, nigga.
Run up on me get popped, nigga.
Flooded my neck with the rocks, I was out on the block.
We was getting it hot, nigga.
Making beats and swiping cards.
I evened the odds, ain’t no getting caught, nigga.

Bad lil vibe, she Jaded.
She turned on me like Crane-
But I ain’t Kyle.
I threw my heart in the Pit.
She keep taking them Pics, she wanna go Viral.
Ultraviolent in my actions, Ultraviolet, Only Sun.
Too Volatile.
Different posts and Different captions-
I can tell that she capping.
Faking the smile.

Born in 06-
Trap like a 80s baby.
I love the pain, it made me.
She say she love me-
I’m finna make her hate me.
Born in 06-
Trap like a 80s baby.
I love the pain, it made me.
She say she love me-
I’m finna make her hate me.

I could see her filled with rage-
Yet I couldn’t see her face.
If her life was a book, I believe I’m a page.
If I left it up to her, I’d be the one she set ablaze.
She was right and I was wrong-
Showed my true colors, can’t erase.
When I die, she’ll throw a party.
A parade atop my grave.
So many thots I had lined up, all ready to misbehave.
And I thought that she was one, but she was smarter than I was. 
If I could do it all again, I would.
There’s no need to discuss.
I go back and read our messages-
Even I feel her disgust.
My intentions out the window, overcome by all my lust.
Curse my sins right down to hell, I’d prolly damn myself to end.
Like the leaves that Fall in Autumn, she’s gone within the wind.
I guard myself, I guard my heart.
I don’t know who is foe or friend.
Deplete my options, cut my chest and throw it right out in the bin.
Compact the trash that you bear witness as I speak upon my sin.
And as you listen-
Lie to me and say my work will help me win.
Holding 9s at the age of 5, I put that gun right to my chin. 
I should’ve did it-
Lord’s my witness.
…Maybe he’s the one that stopped me.
Maybe he’s the reason I made beats for clones to try and copy.
Maybe he’s the reason all those kids at school would choose to mock me.
Maybe he’s the reason I blacked out with their blood on my body.
I don’t do no vibing-
When I’m violent, I get cocky.
I’m the only seed that’s left to carry on my family’s lineage.
1 of 14, all the rest are gone.
They’re the ones that were attempted.
Turned 11, got suspended. 
One brother, in attendance.
I still love him to this day, I hope he never forgets it.
I still wonder-
Was he scared at times?
One part I didn’t mention.
Was he only around for pity or was he equally as twisted-
As myself.
Grab the belt and tie it right around my neck.
Let the rhinestones grind on my bones, let me finally be at rest.
This is more to me than music, life is more than just a test.
And she more to me than sex-
But she know I do her the best, nigga.

Young Honest Bastard. | (Dying Light.) [PROD. MEEJ.]

The date is October 6, 2025.
I’m still trapped inside my mind-
I say that same thing everytime.
I say THAT same thing everytime.
I say these same things, every song.
Every rhyme, Every line.
I wish that I was lying, but-

Last night, I couldn’t sleep.
I could only lay and think.
About the future I have slight control of-
…Among other things.
I’m lonely but I’m not.
At once; I hate it, but it’s comforting.
I’m only 19, I have no use for someone’s daughter haunting me. 
I made her cum for me-
Exactly when I told her to.
When I say “her”-
…Just know I mean a multitude.
My death to them will be the apology long overdue.
Some of them didn’t ask for one.
Some of them did and didn’t get it.
I hate myself so much.
I swear to God, I wish I never did it.
I swear, I wish they would’ve listened.
Enamored by my chain glisten. 
Never victim, always villain.
Catharsis; now my main mission.
My God wrote my life in blood-
I just illustrate the image.
I just make the soundtrack to my death-
You niggas bear witness.
Last time someone went to check on me-
Ain’t thank the visit.
And it’s not cuz I hate them-
I hate myself and think I don’t deserve it. 
To some I’m just a nerd.
And that’s the truth-
But on the block, I served it.
I only gave you part of me-
Let me show the whole version.
See my life behind the curtains.
Still here?
Then yes, you’ve earned it. 
Let me kill myself in front of you to make a better person.
Not yet worthy, know that’s certain.
I fight my shame, I think I’m learning.

When will this girl understand?
I can’t be saved by her.
I can only be saved by Jesus.
And well…
He’s not coming back.
…Not for me, at least. 
I walk along my own path.
I still love him, truth be told-
I want my soul back.
…I want my sister back.
The times I miss, we never had.
I want it so bad.
I’m never first, I’m always last.
At school they tell me it’s the other way around-
And I’m glad.
But they don’t know that’s not the truth yet-
They’ll find it out fast.

I know the devil’s real, I put my trust inside the slut.
I know the devil’s real, I bust a nut on top the slut.
And I hate the way she loves me-
I’ll still miss it when she’s gone.
I’ll still cry myself to sleep-
Wake up and make another song.
I’ll still write these lyrics down knowing that few can sing along.
Over a beat that I just made and they’ll still say I “did it wrong”.
Oh really?
Guess I never knew.
My BB Belt will be my noose.
And to this world; I flip the bird-
I give no duck, I’m born a goose.
I do this for myself and Jesus-
This song is sonic proof.
I know Hell is real, I just remembered Heaven is too.
But I’m lost.
Yet, I’m found.
So’s my hope.
I sit inside Room 220 and try to cope-
With a lump inside my throat.
These days go by the opposite of slow.
I have nowhere else to go-
Except forward.
I got clothes on my back, roof over my head-
Need nothing more.
I print my life through a board, then send a prayer to my lord.

Young Hopeless Bastard. | (Days Gone By.) [PROD. MEEJ.]

Monday-
October 20th, 2025.
I just woke up-
I stand at the bus stop.
Then look at the sun rise.
As I do so-
Two things that I realize.
I’m still Young.
I’m still a Bastard.
I should be happy I’m still alive.
…But I’m not.

8 on the dot.
I hop on the 9.
I think bout a thot that I knew wasn’t mine.
“It’s been 2 months, gotta put it behind.”
But I still see her when closing my eyes.
I be telling the truth but she swear it’s a lie.
When I say “she” know its way more than five.
All blue Bills on me Mordecai.
I’m the kinda nigga leave a hoe mortified. 
They say I’m Hella gifted.
Nigga, I’m pessimistic.
I admit it.
This hoe never listen.
Psuedo-Masochistic.
Go ballistic.
She said that she need me-
But this hoe independent.
I can pin it.
Flooded Cuban links-
Nigga my neck deep in it-
Next; A Pendant. 
I was just pocket pinching.
I went from rags to riches-
Scamming systems.
I needed no assistance-
I just needed faith but they gave me tension.
Screams came from the kitchen-
My lord gave me death then he gave me wisdom.
In my mind’s a war.
One that I never started-
But I will finish.


Life’s a game of size which I’m not born for.
I wonder if she’d ever want me back first?
Im at my best with my niggas-
Cuz they bring out my worst.
And Jesus won’t show Mercy-
That’s what I don’t deserve.
He just gives me tools to balance out my own curse. 

Skinny nigga-
Fat racks.
Turn niggas to hashtags.
1k still sipping on 40 ounce-
Gotta Drake from Baghdad.
Take ya thot-
We bag that.
All these hoes just like the streets-
Headshots and Red Flags.
White toes and toe tags.
Life goals-
With no dad.
This hoe way too choosy.
I feel like Uzi-
I want my flow back.
Come on lil shorty-
Let’s go make a movie inside a Jacuzzi-
That’s Throwback.
Quarterback when she Throw it back.
Played Receiver but she Receive Wide-
We already know that.

I was just pocket pinching.
I went from rags to riches-
Scamming systems.
I needed no assistance-
I just needed faith but they gave me tension.
Screams came from the kitchen-
My lord gave me death then he gave me wisdom.
In my mind’s a war.
One that I never started-
But I will finish.

Tuesday-
October 21st, 2025.
I just woke up-
I stand at the bus stop.
Then look at the sun rise.
As I do so-
Two things that I realize.
I’m still Young.
I’m still a Bastard.
I should be happy I’m still alive.
…But I’m not.


-------------

As much as I wanna believe her-
I can’t.
Jesus told me coming back was never in his plans.
I-
Wash away my sins anyway.
I got blood on my hands.
I got her in my hands.
Hell is on Earth already.
The Rapture when it happens is a cleansing.
It’s all far from Armageddon.
And this curse is really blessing.
And my mind is my own weapon.
Take my life;
I’ll die a legend.
I want love but I’m not begging.
Up above;
I call and beckon.
I make scripture from my lessons.

I make scripture from my lessons.