you lost your dog in oceanside 
skin as sharp as a porcupine 
why are we so mortified 
to give it another try

i see you in your mothers eyes 
my skin is sharp like a porcupine 
why are we so mortified 
to give it another try

i don't care
i just want to 
i don't care

sleeping in the garden 
drinking on the weekend
cover me in blankets  
hold me like a secret

standing in the kitchen
everything is broken
wonder what's behind this
door i never open

everybody's watching
no one pays attention
i don't think i'm sick
but i think it's an infection

everything's a pattern
living is a sequence
drowning in a tidepool 
kiss me in the deep end

but i don't care
i just want to
touch your hair
and be beside you 
i don't care
i just like you
i'll cut your hair
i'll run away with you

you lost your dog in oceanside 
skin as sharp as a porcupine 
why are we so mortified 
to give it another try

porcupine

you said okay

there is a darkness inside of your brain
and i don't think it'll ever go away
at least not entirely
through all that you try to be
you crawl and you hide beneath
all those layers of mountainside
the soil has calcified
you’re constantly wondering
if the monster will get to you
while you're navigating through
the labyrinth of everything

but i still like you even when the days are long
and i still like you through the cloudiness of the thickest fog
and i still like you through the months and months you were convinced it's gone
and i still like you a lot

i still like you even when the days are long
and i still like you through the empty space of a distant god
and i still like you through the years and years i couldn't get a job
and i still like you a lot

there is a darkness inside of your brain
and i don't think it'll ever go away
at least not entirely
through all that i try to be
i can feel it inside of me
like a bandage i couldn't close
a festering hologram
i'm sorry for everything
and now the monster has bitten you
and i would do anything
for you to roll up your sleeve
because the monster has bitten you
and all i'm trying to do
is show you where it's bitten me
it's bitten me

the labyrinth of everything

a thirteen minute synth piece recorded in february of 2017. improvisational, slowly building, and performed in one take. the clip at the end is of my niece. the way she said, "sometimes i fall down" resonated with me a lot. i don't know why. or... i don't know. i guess i do.

there are dolls scattered across the floor. none of them are yours, they belong to me

you wrote "don't forget" on your arm

sleep

summer or spring

it's thursday, january 12th and this is the last time i'll talk about drowning

we're fighting again

i hope you're okay

it's sunday, april 19th and i miss you

counting sheep

i exist i exist i exist

days dedicated to the thought of being through 
and i just want to lay in bed with you 
and admit that i'm so tired of everything i do 
but with you - it was new 

and i can't stop thinking of the moon 
or the nights i saw your breath in the room 
so draw a line within the snow 
between what you thought and what you know 
and in that space i'll build a home and i'll wait 

if this fire goes out i will keep you warm the best i can 
i'll throw everything i have into the flames just to make it last

in the absence of everything, i promise to keep you warm

you're on the phone 
with someone who doesn't know 
about your soul and how it 
can't be held by flesh and bone 
and i guess that's fine 
i would never want you to 
stop your life 
but when i saw you both 
with your shoulders touching 
sitting so close 

i knew i'd hold on to this feeling 
i'd hold on to anything at all 
was it my fault 
because i easily confused you 
for someone who would hold my hand 
when things got hard 
when things got dark 
because oh my god 
when they get dark 
they get so dark 

you were always a shitty friend 
and you would leave when i got sick 
you never called me on my birthday 
i want to call you on your birthday 
so i'll hold on to this feeling 
i'll hold on to this hate 
for as long as i need 
for it to help me

learning to hate you as a self defense mechanism

don't call me at all

buy it on itunes

nothing good comes from being gone

you were a home that i wanted to grow up in

forty seven pictures in a text
to remind me of the ones inside my head
a simple plan for complicated friends
i promise that i'll be fine in the end
but i think it would destroy you
wouldn't it?

i haven't stopped thinking of what you said
you don't know how much i want to be with you again
but i think it would destroy you
i'm so scared i'll destroy you
and i don't want to destroy you
what if it destroys you like it used to
this would destroy you
wouldn't it?

destroy you

hummingbird

action scene

by your side

they'll like me when i'm sick

i always liked how your hands looked
and not just in comparison to mine
they were an artists hands
calloused from building walls and
skin covered in clay that cracked as it dried
you see, i have two thoughts
before touching someones hands
are they soft? i hope not
not too soft
because four years ago i fell into a hole
so as soon as they touch
i wonder if they're strong enough
to help pull me to the top
and are they cold? god i hope so
because mine are so cold
that anytime someone touches them
they ask me if something's wrong
i know that most people have walls but
i just don't think mine are the same
you are hiding away
i am trying to escape
i am inside of a cave
trying to retain the memory
of the last time that i saw the light of the day
and i told you that where i am felt permanent
and you told me to give it time because nothing is
but the minute our hands touched i felt something click
because they were strong
with the force to dig your nails into the earth
and make the world suddenly stop
and they were cold
like the metal gears and glass casing
constructing a clock
and i know that i'm not moving fast enough
i know that so much time has already passed us up
and i know that it must be frustrating to stand in front
of someone who keeps promising you that they'll get better
without the evidence to back it up
but you have to trust me
the past is ugly
but i'll make it to the other side as long as i know
that when i get there i'll have somebody
please, i know that i can do this
i just need another half a month
i can pull through this
i just need our hands to touch

you said that you would always look for me in the crowd
with the same eagerness that a child sifts through the lost and found
searching for anything that felt missing
never considering what would happen the moment you stopped
as if the moment you're not looking for an object
is the moment it stops being lost
i get it, you were cold
but i wanted to be more than just a coat
clinging onto a body that i was never constructed to hold
or a mirror to look into when your reflection
stopped looking like a person that you know
i know that you know the feeling of new clothes
but do you know what it's like
to sit at the bottom of a box every night
replaying the fantasy of cold hands reaching inside
to take you home

you said you felt lost when you were found out
the death of our hands on your couch
was the birth of discovery
that someone elses hands
could feel cold
and in that sudden rush
i thought of all the hands
that could help me build a home
and none of them looked like yours

hands

if you love me, come clean

to see you alive

i clung to you hoping we'd both drown

my heart goes bum bum bum

lately i've been feeling tired of everyone i know

where did you go, and what did you do
with all the time you were too scared to move
and what is it like to be by yourself
for three and a half years
for roughly three and a half years
if we could just pretend that i went to college
and that is why you, you haven’t seen me
i wanted to go, but not for this long
i over did it
why did you say that i was one in a million
because i believed it i thought i had something
that you were too scared to lose
so if we could just pretend that i went to college
or traveled abroad and did something different
anything but just sitting at home
for three and a half years
writing song after song after song
so what is it like to be by yourself
and not feel like you’ll die
around everyone else
i thought i was one in a million
well thanks for nothing
yeah thank you
thank you 

if we could just pretend

you are the coffin

wake up tired
sometime before noon
it’s stuck on my mind 
something i told you

i’m sorry that i do
things i don’t want to

do you believe in love
it feels like a memory of a cher song
do you believe in love
i’m scratching my eyes out 
come over to my house

everything’s empty
i am a part of what you lack
tell me i’m crazy
put up a wall i cannot pass

do you believe in love
i want us to listen to that cher song
do you believe in love
i’m scratching my eyes out

nov 13 (do you believe in love)

secretly leave the coffee shop
walk the avenue
make our way to the beach
your head resting on my knee
pretending to stare out at the sea
and i don’t know where anything goes
i don’t know where anything goes
i don’t know where anything goes
i don’t know where anything goes

i don’t like the weekends like i used to
show me all the weakness that i show to you
because i don’t know where anything goes
i don’t know where anything goes
there’s a man above us watching you perform
i bet he feels so alone

pretending to stare out at the sea (carlsbad, ca 2006)

i record songs and write poems and i really hope you're having a good day.

flatsound

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