The Heather Humphrey’s Irish Academy of Chicken Pluckers 

It was down on the banks  of the Shannon she started,
In a barn that was transferred from Monaghan town, 
The Retraining Wing for the Covid-hit artists:
Musicians, and dancers and auld circus clowns.
Chorus
And all of the years that they gave to their art 
Were rendered redundant with the flick of her quill, 
They’re now plucking chickens and stuffing each part 
With good Irish shamrock she sourced near Coothill.

Ó Maonlaí, McCarthy, there was Heffernan, Horgan, 
And Brady and Black, and Spillane and Moore;
And a monkey most famous for grinding his organ —
And the whole thing was run by a Fine Girl Cute Hoor!
Chorus
Ah! The auld basic training was hard on the hands
Of them that had only plucked strings, heretofore;
But they needed the PUP and could make no demands,
They’d either pluck chickens or walk out that door!

The CSO figures, they found them alarming: 
Half of the country would have to Retrain!
But Heather replied in a manner most charming,
“On Career Guidance teachers we must lay the blame!”
Chorus 
“Filling their heads with them notions of grandeur,
Musicians and singers and artists they made;
But when Covid came by, they got such a land, sure,
They found that their lives on the road were low-paid!” 

“I’m all for Creators, the Arts, the Artistic, 
But now that I’m minister over the Dole, 
If they don’t take retraining, then I’ll go ballistic,
And I’ll take no auld guff like: ‘I will in me hole!’”
Chorus
If them Uyghurs in China can learn a new song,
And sing the sweet praises of party and change!
Then, in Chicken Plucking, I see nothing wrong,
In the Change of Career, I see nothing strange!”

Soon the shed that she brought to the Banks of the Shannon,
Was filled with the Artists, who once filled each hall;
And Dear Heather selected yer wan Sharon Shannon,
As the bright “Cailín Maith” who was best of then all.
Chorus 
Her boxing of chickens was done with finesse 
Each tired Chicken Plucker with Heather agreed,
For they faced a fine if they tried to regress —
From the Shannon-side Shed they would never be freed!

But now up in Drum where there’s not a musician,
She sings the high praises for jobs that she made;
There’s chicken-ball pluckers, two clerks, a beautician;
But the Auld Orange Flute, it will never be played!

— © Frank Callery, August 7th, The First Day of the New Era, 2020.

Heather Humphreys’ Irish Academy Of Chicken Pluckers

Frank Callery