	I always liked Dr. Fat Cat’s $2 Boba & Pub.  It’s been known for over a decade for marking the last piece of privately owned land in Irvine.  Or at least it was until yesterday, when Dr. Fat Cat’s was purchased by the Irvine Company.  Within minutes of the purchase’s completion, the Irvine Company made covert use of its new HB 666 rights, which had recently been signed into effect by President Trump.  HB 666, also known as the Guantanamo Rights Expansion Act, grants private corporations the legal right to detain and torture anyone on their land for an unlimited period of time.
	Irvine Company Executives sent highly trained Swaglords to brainwash the youth of UCI, convincing thousands of Irvine students to devote their souls to producing whatever movement they were told to make flawlessly.  The Executives planted fraternities and sororities, which convinced over 10% of Irvine’s students to adjust their personalities to fit a prescribed template.  The UCI population fought to stop the Irvine Company’s corporate brainwashing protocol, but they were finally defeated when the Irvine Company introduced Adidas track pants and successfully brainwashed the entire UCI student body into adhering to a prescribed fashion sense.
	The Irvine Company thought they had every UCI student under their control, but five lone scums emerged unfazed by their attempts at brainwashing.  The scums joined together and hatched a plan to free UCI from the Irvine Company’s grasp and set off to free the campus by spreading the gospel of Progressive Beach Scum!
	The young heroes formed a band and named it The Alley Crabs, after an STD their autistic rhythm guitarist picked up in Reno.  They set off on their mission to free the Irivinians from their Irvine Company overlords.  Such is the story of the birth of The Alley Crabs, a group of revolutionaries whose mission continues to this day.

Product of Whittier, CA
Composer/Songwriter
IG: @futuratrunx
Twitter: @uptownvatos

Your mothers favourite band
IG/Twitter: uptownvatos

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