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i'm still searching for my voice.
can you help me find it?
it'll be cool if you did.
but don't leave me on the air like everybody did.
coz i will, scratch you off my awesome people list.

I am a 24- year old Registered Nurse. I have always been plagued by something over which I have no absolute control- a genetic speech defect that bothers me day by day to certain degrees: STUTTERING.

I have stuttered since about three. I was told that my stuttering started as easy repetitions of sounds at the beginning of sentences. It gradually worsened during high school. Repetitions kept going on and on, and when I was stucked on a word, it’s as if I began to push harder and harder to finish it. Approaching my near- adult stage, I stuttered severely, sometimes struggling or even contorting my face and actions for what seemed to me like several seconds.

As years went on, I still stuttered frequently and with a great deal of tension whenever I talk in a group of people or to someone I don’t know well, PARTICULARLY ON THE FIRST WORDS OF A CONVERSATION. I am often embarrassed and frustrated by my stuttering. There are even times that I feel I’m unable to do what any child can do easily; produce a hard sounding word flawlessly… WHEN I STUTTER, I REALLY KNOW WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY; BUT DESPITE THIS, I FEEL MY THROAT CLAMP SHUT; and i can’t seem to say the word until, after I have struggled for how many seconds, it just pops out.

My stuttering varies. It is rather worse in formal situations; when a listener seems impatient; when I’m embarrassed, or when I’m tired/ill. On the other hand, it's better if I’m talking to my loved ones and close friends.. Nevertheless, there were also times when it's unpredictable, which makes me feel I’m woefully out of control.

MODESTY ASIDE, many people say that I’m brilliant. They say that "I’ve got a lot of accomplishments that other normal people didn’t have". But I feel that I’m so dumb as soon as people hear me stutter. This may be a perception left over from my high school years when my stuttering was on its peak. Furthermore, there have been times when people would seem to regard me as dumb because I used to answer “I don’t know” when asked questions.. I knew the answer but it’s as if I couldn’t bear their impatience when I stuttered.

This speech defect has strongly driven me to develop an AVOIDANT personality wherein I would try to avoid any sort of encounter and conversation with people in an attempt to avoid higher demands on my speech.. That’s why I prefer to be alone and I’m extremely ‘picky’ on friends with which to mingle and interact; people who would still appreciate me amidst any personal flaw/ limitation. People sometimes regard me as ‘SUPLADO’ or ‘unyielding’ in some way, but it’s absolutely not because I don’t like them; only I’m ashamed of my stuttering up to now, especially to people who are judgmental, and contumelious in nature.. As a result, I tried to compensate this speech limitation with my talents. I focused on-painting, declaiming, writing pieces of literature, photojournalism, solving algebraic expressions, composing songs and singing.

What’s good is that at present, I can say that I’m now able to control my stuttering for about 80% compared to my high school and first year college years. I’m struggling hard to find every sort of technique from virtually any source of information on my condition, with which to reduce, if not totally vanquish my stuttering.. But I’ve not yet gained total confidence to interact and mingle as normal people would do, although a lot of people would say now that they can’t seem to notice my stuttering at all, until I reveal it to them.. Now I’m trying my best to be sociable as anyone should.

Moreover, I’m glad that despite all these, I graduated CUM LAUDE in my BSN course (which I’m proud to say I’ve achieved with all VERACITY AND HONESTY=)) and I ranked #16 in the November 2009 Nursing Licensure Examination... Thanks to all the people who supported me and became part of my success.. I’m submerged in an overflowing sense of gratitude.

God bless us all..

Hey! My names Hannah, and i'm a huge fan of Shawn. I want everyone to know that I am in fact, NOT SHAWN! nor do I have any communication or connection to him whatsoever. Thank you!

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