I was 19 the first time I was raped.
Backpacking through Europe, drugged, woke up being sodomised over a toilet bowl in some Italian hotel bathroom.
Blood everywhere.
Memories were fuzzy through whatever it was he slipped me, but I recall fumbling with the doorknob trying to get out, unable to understand why it wasn't opening, then looking down and seeing that he had his foot up against the bottom of the door.
Earlier that day I'd felt like I was flying. Here I was, traveling in Europe just like a grownup, making it work somehow even in a country where I didn't speak the language.
"I'm doing it! I can do it! My god, I can really do it!"
I was going to be an artist. I loved to paint. Teacher told me I should try to get some life experience before going to art school, so out I went to get some. My god did I get some motherfucking life experience.
Came home from Europe and immediately got into an abusive relationship, with a man who would use my talents to get him as much money, as much female attention, and as much professional clout as possible. He got me pregnant right after one of the times I tried to leave him.
I didn't paint.
I turned 26 the day after my daughter was born. I was terrified. I loved her so much I wanted her to have a better mother than me.
"Can I do it? Can I do it? Dear god, please help me do it!"
I gained a lot of weight, and I kept it on. Made me feel secure. Invisible. Like even if I can't do it, even if I fuck up royally at life and completely drop the ball, at least I won't wake up in a blood-smeared bathroom being sodomised over a toilet by a man who won't let me leave.
Now I am 48. I am healing, and I have grown strong. 
Through a strange series of miracles and unexpected rabbit holes, I've found myself in a situation where complete strangers from all around the world give me money to share my thoughts on things.
And I've begun painting again, after all these years. Just sold a few pieces at auction. And it's been bringing up some old feelings.
"I'm doing it! I can do it! My god, I'm really doing it!"
And my bum has started hurting. I've been having shooting pains radiating from right where that bastard stuck me all those years ago. Smacking me out of the air in my state of teenage exuberance. Breaking my wings. Breaking my paintbrush.
People keep asking me to do interviews, but I prefer to stay more hidden. Makes me feel secure. Invisible.
I don't know why I'm sharing this with you right now. I guess I can only write what's coming up for me on a given day, and this is definitely what's front and center for me at this moment.
I'm going to keep healing. I'm going to keep growing stronger. I'm going to keep painting. I may even do interviews one day. 
I don't know where this ride is headed, but I'm very happy I'm on it.
I'm really glad to be alive you guys.

I Was 19

Biden is lying. The US is deliberately surrounding China with war machinery and has been for years, and has rapidly escalated its efforts to do so during Biden’s term. There are currently no fewer than 313 US military bases in East Asia by the Pentagon’s own admission, with the Biden administration adding four new ones in the Philippines. Biden’s war machine has been busy instituting the AUKUS alliance which is specifically set up to menace China, moving nuclear-capable bombers to Indonesia, signing a military deal with Papua New Guinea, working to station missile-armed marines at Japan’s Okinawa islands, staging provocations in Taiwan, and getting into increasingly confrontational encounters with Chinese military vessels and aircraft off China’s coast as part of its dramatically increased military presence in the area.

Reading by Tim Foley.

Biden Keeps Lying About The US "Not Trying To Surround" China

Our entire civilization is driven by the pursuit of profit, and to keep turning large profits your corporation needs to continually grow, and your corporation can't continually grow unless you're manufacturing a crappy product that needs to be continually replaced or supplemented, and you can't manufacture those replacements and supplementations without harvesting them from the flesh of a dying world.

Reading by Tim Foley.

Profit-Driven Systems Are Driving Us To Our Doom

I saw a video clip of Julian Assange speaking in London in 2010 where he made an important observation while explaining the philosophy behind his work with WikiLeaks. He said that all our political theories are to some extent "bankrupt" in our current situation, because our institutions are so shrouded in secrecy that we can't even know what's really going on in the world.

"We can all write about our political issues, we can all push for particular things we believe in, we can all have particular brands of politics, but I say actually it's all bankrupt," Assange said. "And the reason it's all bankrupt, and all current political theories are bankrupt and particular lines of political thought, is because actually we don't know what the hell is going on. And until we know the basic structures of our institutions — how they operate in practice, these titanic organizations, how they behave inside, not just through stories but through vast amounts of internal documentations — until we know that, how can we possibly make a diagnosis? How can we set the direction to go until we know where we are? We don't even have a map of where we are. So our first task is to build up a sort of intellectual heritage that describes where we are. And once we know where we are, then we have a hope of setting course for a different direction. Until then, I think all political theories — to greater and lesser extents of course — are bankrupt."

Reading by Tim Foley.

Real Change Is Impossible While Our World Is Shrouded In Secrecy

Julian Assange is a journalist who's been imprisoned for doing journalism on war crimes, by an empire that claims to defend journalists and oppose war crimes. 

Assange and his persecution expose the giant plot holes in every story the western power structure tells about itself. About its love of free speech and the free press. About its opposition to tyranny. About its wars and why it wages them.

Reading by Tim Foley.

Assange Exposes The Empire's True Face

שומר הסף עם גדי טאוב - 19-07-23

Krizzy

This weeks sub for The Producers Corner Sample Challenge #322, Forbidden Fruit

SC #322 - Bloxbeats - Forbidden Fruit

More beats:
https://instagram.com/kes_akesiasty 

ThreeTwo2

Readings of all Caitlin Johnstone's articles, usually by her co-writer Tim Foley.