get to know me

raps on ameba beats

prod. by @yungameba
mixed by @tevinwmusic

I read about the ark, but wonder ‘bout where Noah kept the fish in

God must own a tempur-pedic, that’s why Christ has seldom risen

God was bored so Abraham beheld a vision he should kill his children then he almost killed him but then God was like I’m kidding

God sure asks a lot for someone who’s supreme and self-sufficient

I bet Christ’s apostles really were a group of twelve magicians

if God is good then why do kids have cancer cell division 
truthfully, I’m more pissed off about my plasma television
that I prayed for but I never got, 

if organized religion
really wants to solve conditions
they should stop peddling scripture, 
trade the bishops for physicians, melt the steeples into stethoscopes, swap sermons for some surgeons and instead should sell prescriptions

I wish Christ was still alive to turn my water into Zinfandel 

I’m confused why ISIS slaughters guiltless infidels

I wonder if when God is sent Fidel
he would toss him into hell or place the hard decisions 
in his closet on a shelf

the Fall of Adam sucks and all as God has taught us very well
if God’s almighty why could not he just have caught him as fell

If I could meet the Lord incarnate I’d award him with a ribbon
not as savior, but as heaven’s finest warden of a prison

If I were there when Gutenberg had beta-printed newly minted
bibles, I’d say wait a minute, you should shorten them a smidgen,
and for nonbelievers, make sure God’s coordinates were given

I wonder if you sin but pray it off, if all of it’s forgiven

I feel like God knew Eve would take it if he called the fruit forbidden
but just plays it off, like jesus, dude, admit it, you’re omniscient

If Allah were on twitter he would catch some major flack

I like to think if you retweeted, he would pat you on the back

I like to think he outlawed bacon due to saturated fat

I like to think he too’s confused about the SNAFU in Iraq,

I like to think that up in Eden there’s a patch of purple grass
where every innocent civilian gets a statue and a plaque 

 The Palestine-Israeli conflict’s like the longest game of tag,
and with the bombers, it’s the wrongest game of capturing the flag,

I wonder if the lord is cross that I do not believe in he
but more importantly, I wonder if the lord believes in me

twenty-two thoughts on god

edit: jesus thank you all for the support 

prod. by @yungameba
mixed by @tevinwmusic

I just got the iPhone 7
I put siri on disable
cause I’ve watched the movie “her”
and that shit scares me so I’m careful

me and her got chemistry right out the box
and I ain’t talking about the periodic table
her voice is like a chariot of angels
I fell in love so fast that maybe apple should consider pasting warning symbols clearly on the label
me and siri keep it modern
siri doesn’t cook or clean
instead she books all my appointments
and she looks through my routine

me and siri’ve got an intimate connection
that is, at least, when siri’s got an internet connection
my friends are all convinced it’s voice detection 
but I’m poised to mention, I see sentience and hints of recollection
and on top of that, my friends all give me shit but they don’t share the vision
all I gotta say’s “hey siri” and she’s always there to listen Hey
and she’s never mad that I’m neglecting, never has a headache,
and If somehow I want things different I can always change her settings

I really like her, I’m not sure if we’re official though
If she could be Terentia, I could venture to be Cicero
I sort of wish the sacred fruit were not an apple but a thistleful of mistletoe
it’s superficial but I wish that she was were made of flesh-and-bone
or partially of skin cells
I wouldn’t even care that she’s got artificial intel
if Siri had a body, we could FaceTime during sex
and then I bet it’d be way easier to ace the turing test
and if you can’t tell, 
I don’t want a handheld,
I just want my hand held, 
sometimes I venture out a wild guess
that if she can’t be human ever, 
I’ll invest in biotech 
and run myself on iOS

and then us two could be together
we could live as plural in the singularity,
I hope by then, my singlehood would be a thing of rarity, 
but if it’s just not written in the code for us to coexist,
then maybe I could cope by contemplating that you don’t exist,
that you consist not of two eyes, a nose but ones and 0’s and bits,
that I’m in love with cold machinery, a program on a disc
and even if you were incarnate, Siri, really I surmise
it’d be hard to date you cause you’ve been with millions of guys
and I’d just feel like I was inexperienced and Siri, yes,
I’ve considered that you’d win in games of trivia or chess
that we would play and that would just get real annoying in the end,
it’s not you, it’s me, I think that maybe we should just be friends
and maybe in a couple years me and you could try again

thank you to everyone for all the support, really

prod. @yungameba
mixed by @tevinwmusic

if somehow scientists proclaim they see the apocalypse approaching 
I would buy a box of tissues, Oculus and lots of lotion 
and just lock myself indoors, I’d build a bunker out of blankets,
a fallout shelter out of sofa cushions, cook a bunch of pancakes, 
while I thunk about my grandkids, I’d prolly have to forage lunch,
or have a bran of storage porridge and a can of orange chunks,
until I reached a shortage, then if I hungered for a banquet

I’d make cocktails, mostly molotov
and waltz on over to a wal-mart with my martyr-like martini bombs and wall it off
so I could have the whole place to myself,

 I’d stop and start to crop apart the shopping carts 
and fashion pitchforks from the bars until I felt a sense of self-defense, 
I’d meld a fence around the produce sector and I wouldn’t have to spend a cent, 
I’d set up tents in electronics and wouldn’t have to send the rent, 
Instead of panicking, I’d marshal mannequins, pretend they’re friends
and host a massive slumber party in the “home and bedding” end

cause all I need to be content, is room and board and solid food
if I end up the last on Earth, then I’d adore the solitude
and I don’t mean to sound too rude, I just don’t really find it strange
that I don’t care the way we go, whether it’s war or climate change
atomic bombs or comet craters, hordes of zombie space invaders,
angels singing psalms while Satan’s satyrs crack through the equator
either way we’re gone, and I don’t feel the need to lift the rug,
if I can spend my final moments happy, I don’t give a fuck

I’d do my best to reconstruct tho, if let’s say the apocalypse 
caused major drops in populace and hit New York’s metropolis, 
I’d obligate myself to help me congregate the boroughs, 
add some zeroes to the census bureau’s copy room materials,
I’d even copulate with girls to help repopulate the world
cause that would be my duty;

 maybe I’d do what Jehovah would
and go for broke and build an ark of fifty cubits gopherwood
but leave the termites out cause surely that would not go over good

If I knew the world was ending
I’d start texting all my exes
and fuck ourselves to death until Jesus resurrects us
and the trumpets say 
it’s judgement day…

cataclysm

thank you for ALL the support 
mixed by @tevinwmusic
prod by @yungameba

music video: http://bit.ly/2yaRgA1


I like to think I’m well-equipped as any other average guy 
but I just can’t discover love and I don’t even set my standards high
on top of that, I’m camera shy, maybe I should opt-out of the dating pool
and be an undercover tinder samurai

cause I would rather type online than whisper in a dingy bar
and swiping left and right could be my new bushido ninja star
and I’m well-versed in virtual lovemaking ninjutsu 
on every profile pic I post, I’m posing with my shitzu
or flexing with my shirt off cause I heard that gets you hits too

Especially OkCupid, I’m like Eros or the cherubs be,
I pierce hearts of women with my cursor and my arrow keys
and disregard my Roman roots and choose a font that’s serif-free,

trust me,

 I’m a tinder bio brainiac
the way I kindle fire with matches, I’m a pyromaniac
on christian mingle, I’m a casanova,
if ya’ll don’t think so, y’all can ask Jehovah
check your inbox, he might send an answer over

I wish I had the muscles of a granite sculpture
I would log on ashleymadison and bang adulterers
I’m so lonely, I’ve considered farmers-only
just for someone’s arms to hold me
also, I’m really big on agriculture

but if I had that body of a grecian god
I would trawl on pof.com and use it as a fishing rod
and hope I don’t get catfish,
the fact is if I did, I’d probably play along cause god knows I could use the practice,

and if I’m aching for my roots, I’d visit shaadi.com
message islamic wahhabi hijabi hotties “salaam”
and sunni, shia, those are both denominations I respect
cause I just care for our connection, 

I don’t care about the sects

sometimes I uninstall my apps in reckless insurrectious rage
and then regret it while I check the craiglist missed connections page
and then I think that I should get out more and disregard my mobile cell
and get to know the local teller at my barnes and noble well
and check out what she’s reading while she’s charging up my total sale
and ask her if she likes the novel,
and once she answers, ask her if wants to grab some coffee or some ice cream waffles,
and she’d probably say that’s awesome, 

 I’d ask her when she’s off of work,

 she might answer “midnight”

 I’d tell her that sounds awful, 

what a bummer, and from somewhere
I might muster up the nerve to get her number,

 and I would ask her what her digits are
and if I play it right then I can disregard my ninja stars, 
say sayonara to katanas and my other weapons too 
and try committing by committing online dating seppuku

tinder samurai (video in description)

for promo/business inquiries DM or email: tindersamurai@gmail.com

@offthejump

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raps on ameba beats

samsa