no im not okay

@notkaiallas

i dont rlly do this anymore

"IYKYK" ruined my life so they gave me more of the "IYKYK"
I've been given apathetic love from the internet and i dont know what to do with it 
not to be ungrateful for my "self"ruined life
Gender Dysphoric Marketable Unmarketable DJ that only makes mixes not music or whatever someday i'll get a virtual DJ gig once i have VR and a job.  #starbucksruinedmylife #iruinedmylife

i think the cruelty of capitalism is pretty fucking apparent, if not in gaza, then in the "tragic story" of my real life in my real life

Is there supposed to be a line between spectacle and reality? because my life feels treated like a spectacle, and im left to suffer in reality. 

its useless if i cant fidn myself, old feelings, sense of reality, right? and it seems like i shouldnt, maybe that others dont want me to. inferiority complex a la mode of pretending instead of being, too afraid to be able to remember

time for me to grow up of having a heart.  always comes out wrong anyway. and affecting others when i mean to affect myself. chasing what i run from because abused.
 
overconnected and not myself. shared too much of my real self and got hurt again. cant be helped by thode that care if its not safe to be me, and its not. not afraid, just tired of being hurt. fallen angel seemed orchestrated by others, or i just followed a hesrtless script of life.   let me be. let everyone be.  making them hurt me or be jealous to best me better me hurt me. why. special treatment? for what, computer anayøzers to learn from? no thank you. everyone has their own life to deal with, they dont care about me. 

everything is fine but everything is not fine, i feel ok but i dont feel ok at all. pushes everyone away, doesn't want to

just a profile for "better people" to pilfered in give-it-all away vain hope of gain

it's a joke dont take it seriously oh were you confused too bad dont care

everyone thinks im ok but its ok that i want to die 
they take my ideas but they dont take me
i guess i make them look bad and i go so far as to lament that but i feel like dying while theyre just ashamed
i shared my real self and they stole that too and tried to convince me to like being a guy 

are we even looking at the same picture through different frames_ what if we are experiencing different conjoined realities while some darker force is in worse control. well thats just what i think

THE MALENESS PERSISTS I WANT TO DIE PLEASE HELP I DONT KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO MY FACE IS SO MALE I WANT TO KILL MY SELF
approaching 30yrsOLD, the beginning of my end
TOO MALE
電気天気元気だめだめだめだめ前兆
even a blind squirrel (me) sometimes finds a nut (good ideas)
i am a dumb monkey but you keep me this way

negative nelly shpeal: 

digital kinda takes all the stimulation out and guessing correctly about stuff is crazy

the fun happy me i dont get to be because you took my insurance (and through that, my self worth) away from me!
dead inside, too tall and masc "ok with it"
easily confused Glitchi Glatchi disaster of a person abused by the computer, cast out by life, sunk by privatized corp. job insurance revokation. 

this is way too negative and i dont wanna preach at people but i am extremely hurt by all of this: a lot of you that have the loudest most carrying voices dont seem to know (despite how i try to lie-ably unable to be truthfully show you) or care how much pushing me into this masculine dysphoria hurts me, convincing me its actually euphoria, making it more difficult for me to let go of it, and in this almost always dissociated forgetting how to not be dissociated state of mind, usually reacting with fear at helpful treatments that force me to feel like CBD, --lost my train of thought and have to backgtrack, easier with writing--its even more difficult to do the easy thing and just be myself (wears a dress, feels dysphoria, sees male and female characters on screens forced to identify with the male characters out of physical similarities and lived experience, pressured to identify with them too. you really kill me inside. and im just trying to not let my femininity get pressured onto men and my "working for the greater good of women by being a boy toy" get to me neither) 

OK GREAT THANKS BYE <3
689
low brow bone adams apple too tall low voice skeleton masculinized they think its vanity i dont deserve my emotions they traumatized me for fun now they abude me for fun. crooked jaw couldnt follow ortho directions trying to help everyone even the conniving and dark and hurtful.  too old unøived youth always feeling overexpised my entire life all the soectscles fault no one cares they just leech and exploit and rape till i learn to like what i never got to have. so full of it cant see past self want others to be same but dumber

dad abused me out of womanhood again.  seeing others happy almodt makes me transphobic with deething left out jealousy and feeling incapable and dum

People believe whatever supports their worldview

inthetrenches is a mood not a place of being