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*RAIN*                                    

&: ..i've got to get myself a new umbrella

*: hm?

&: yes, there's just a hole or two, probably from [TALK ABOUT FABRIC BLEND & LOCUSTS] or something like - seems like everything's going off - but i can't really complain too much - i just happened to pick it up at [TALK ABOUT TILE & GROUT] a while back & it doesn't seem like it was meant to withstand the wind (or closet) for much longer than it takes to lose your receipt & become occupied with more important things than sitting on hold [TALK ABOUT ARCHIVE.ORG]

*: probably true

&: have you ever been with someone you knew so well, that you could communicate through touch alone? & they, in turn, could reply? & when these conversations came to a close had everything to you needed say already been said & had everything they needed to say been recieved? & did these silent discussions come to be [TALK ABOUT 3 SENSES] you could hear & smell? almost [TALK ABOUT STRENGTH & SADNESS] ? & was it sometimes raining? & did you look out into the yard from the kitchen window? & were there gingham curtains & an empty pot on the windowsil? & did it smell good? did the air smell good? did the smell of the air make you tear up? did you cry because the smell of the air triggered nearly the same sort of [TALK ABOUT LOVE]? did you cry? could you just cry & do nothing but cry because you had everything you ever wanted? & was it beautiful? or did it sting when it was over?

*: i'm not sure i quite've known what you're describing

&: ...

&: sorry, i thought i heard a car engine starting up out of the corner of my ear, but it must have been a cicada

*: i'm sorry

&: i can only ever call forth but one facet of myself at a time; it's like i'm assigned a different [TALK ABOUT NOTES & PENS] every morning i wake up but i still speak the same language.

*: i see

*: i think so

&: oh, ok. thank you

&: you wouldn't judge me... would you?..
& i read my body like a diary entry: - me please please 
love cure please i gave on  t gave teule 
the weosites that i built as a tween and still standing somewhere 
w/ a stupid cult following but 
scream at me is that real 
is that real 
is that real 
or do you just want it to beistahwca
 or do you want me to plug my ears & jump off the roof 
-
& - like a - car in 
the -
fog left it fucked
cry
 make in yeself water wat 
soon in the carwash make me soul get gore 
J cjory vise versa 
- me or - yourself thats how eit has to 
- me i love you please - me 
or don't try to make me fal 
try for my card close in the door withnobohdy else around 
- me i want you for 
it's not connected in one without my withouf fly 
can you ehear me think 
can you hear me cry 
can you feel me scry 
can you stop talking so blame loud 
i'm not sorry for being brash 
so - yourself no - me 
i just want to fold far word watch pain over life 
turn gray or green  whatever it really you 
i hope o
your care were cold & -ing ugly 
my song are washer tomorrow over thanks 
or send for you send 
who are you who are you 
you adon't tell me but i can tell you first 
youll be mine soon dont worry even if you do i'll never leave

never let something gray take A bloated-sort significance to your identity/ how 9u interface w the world'
- ok, you can stop now fo rme, silly
-- watever
- hey
- what's wrong?
-- nothing really i'm just still kind of [TALK ABOUT RESPECT]
- yeah 
-- i don't know, it's just doesn't make any sense to me
- no offense but you don't really have the best handle on those sorts of things
-- yeah i know but i mean from your perspecitve? you know about that stuff that's something i respect abou tyou
- well, i think it seems warranted based on what you were saying,, people don't want to hear that sort of thing, you know
-- [RAGE]
- hey, it's more complicated than that,, /you/ should know that's not really how it works,, besides, you're feeding into that same cycle saying stuffs like that
-- yeah, i know, it's stupid but i can't help thinking like that sometimes,,, 
- better to yell about it to me than to keep it in there building up the pointless resentments,, i know you, & i know what you mean,, don't worry
-- thanks,, i know,,, i really do,,
-,,,,, i lo-


i stopped being able to hear anything properly a long time ago. it's hard to tell what's actually the result of hearing loss & what's a psychosomatic manifestation of something i still can't fix (or if it's even actually happening). it's pretty easy to catch if you know where to look, but they key is watching it hit the bat - watch the ball hit the bat -= follow the ball into the bat - swing from the hips - the force behind your swing comes from the hips -= make sure to rotate fully & follow thru. if you want to buy in ear monitors, make sure you'll get enough use out of them to warrant making the investment - if you hit the ball over the fence, you're going to owe 50 cents unless you manage to find it up in all that weeds & brush & gunk out there - what happens when i don't do my homework? well, it comes off as scummy & apathetic to your peers who depend on you (this makes it harder to find people willing to help with things you need help with & retards social interfacing probaly) - if you don't learn how to do this stuff now, you might find tasks that need some pre-prep(.) a lot harder to accomplish in the future - you're the master of your own destiny, so fail at your own risk - i wish i could have listened to you before i fell apart - oh i'm still falling.......... we're both still falling..... these cycles don't stop! keep on with it

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jochem³