my songs

Disco You To Death

Oh the early 2000's! I remember them like it was yesterday… Before Dirty Sanchez found our campy electro sound, we did this very early, VERY rough demo that was surprisingly goth. Enjoy!

Electric Eye Demo

I was performing in a show late one night
When my tummy kinda felt “not quite right”
A strange gurgling noise started to rise
And then suddenly to my surprise
I took a crap! I took a monster crap
(A monster crap) Can you imagine that?
(I took a crap) Just like a newborn brat
(I took a crap) I took a monster crap

As I limped offstage dripping liquid shit
My lower intestines threw a hissy fit
So I clenched the cheeks of my rear-end
And then suddenly, it happened again
(I took a crap) I took a monster crap
(A monster crap) In like 3 seconds flat
(I took a crap) It came out with a splat
(I took a crap) I took a monster crap

I don’t mind going Number One
But Number Two ain’t that fun
And there’s nothing like being in full drag
Then suddenly having the runs!

I ran to the restroom and I locked the door
A pile of soiled clothing on the tile floor
While rinsing out my panties in the sink
You’ll never guess what happened…
Well, whattaya think?
(I took a crap) I took a monster crap
(A monster crap) Exploding from my crack
(I took a crap) That’s right, I totally shat
(I took a crap) I took a monster crap

It took about an hour but then finally
I got my shit together, quite literally
Yes, I was looking spotless and smelling sweet
And then suddenly, the shit hit my feet!
(I took a crap) I took a monster crap
(A monster crap) Just like a feral cat
(I took a crap) Yes, I went full hazmat
(I took a crap) I took a monster crap

While exiting the restroom I saw this guy
A sexy janitor with a look in his eye
I thought he’d throw up on account of the stink
But major plot twist: Shit was his kink!
(He’s into crap) He really wants my crap
(He wants my crap) His fetish is for scat
(He’s into crap) He said, “I live for that!”
(He’s into crap) He really wants my crap!

The moral of this story is you never know
Don’t keep it deep inside you just, let it go
There’s a lid for every pot, I can guarantee ya’
And even some freaks into diarrhea
(They’re into crap) Even a monster crap
(A monster crap) No matter where they’re at
(They’re into crap) I’m glad we had this chat
(So take a crap) Just take a monster crap!

I Took a Crap (Monster Mash) (Full Vocals) - Mix01

Donuts Are A Girl's Best Friend

Spending so much time,
watchin’ this woman with a bad Geri curl
Tryin’ to explain, growin’ up how she had the blues
But then a photo is shown,
and I see a blue-eyed blonde little girl
Rachel Dolezal, I’ve got some bad news

Bitch you ain’t black
Any kind of fool could see
That’s a bad weave and I just can’t understand you

Bitch you ain’t black
You are full of shit honky
I think Chris Brown oughta’ haul off and backhand you

All day long, wearin’ a mask of cheap-ass bronzer
Runnin’ the N double A C P in Spo-kann
They may buy that crap in Washington State,
but not where I’m from
And I practically shit when you said your were trans…
RACIAL!?

Bitch you ain’t black
And you ain’t in the wrong body
And to say that is just like your face: Real shady
Bitch you ain’t black
You are just as white as me
And you’re almost even whiter than Wayne Brady
ALMOST!

Now that I put it all together
There’s just one question for me
Who will play you when they finally make
The Lifetime movie
And what color will she be?

Cuz bitch you ain’t Black
Even Stevie Wonder sees
Your true colors
and they’re off-white like old dog poo

Bitch you ain’t Black
Everyone I know agrees
You was wrong, and we just can't understand you
You was wrong, and I just can't bitch

Bitch you ain’t Black
Fool me twice and shame on me
Write your memoirs, fill it up with faux-Black outrage

Bitch, it’s a fact
So open up that book and see
You ain’t the blank ink,
you’re the color of each white page

Bitch you ain’t Black! X 2

BItch You Aint Black

DILLER

It's Halloween night
And just like every other tired fag
You think it’s your right
To go out on the town in sexy drag
But honey please
You’re giving us more Bruce than Caitlyn Jenner
Even she agrees
If you are doing drag for the first time
Take my advice

Do Phyllis Diller, Your first night
Just wear a shapeless smock
And tease your wig into a fright
Cuz Phyllis Diller, Is “Drag Lite”
You know that I am right
So just do Phyllis, Diller tonight

Don’t need much makeup
And thankfully she never wore a heel
Next day you’ll wake up
Surprised at just how good your big feet feel
And for your eyes
Just buy the cheapest makeup at the drugstore, yeah
And the biggest size
Of real-girl fake eyelashes you can find
All this combined

Makes Phyllis Diller, You look like
A trembling wet Chihuahua,
And your bark’s worse than your bite
Your drag’s a form of, Urban blight
You know that I am right
So just do Phyllis, Diller tonight

Thinking you’re pretty
In drag was the first mistake that you made
There's no escaping the truth & u know what they say
Man hands give you away

Been watchin’ Drag Race
You think you look like Violet or like Pearl
But ya gotta bad face
And no one’s gonna think that you’re a girl
Spoiler alert
There ain’t enough cosmetics on the planet, no
I know it hurts
But bitch you’ve got to work with what you have
And when it’s this bad

Be Phyllis Diller, Old & white
And if you’re takin’ selfies or you Periscope that night 
Please use a filter, with a bright light
So bitch just do what’s right and dress like Helen Keller as Phyllis Diller tonight

You look like killer, Trash that’s white
You look like Charlize but in Monster
not on Oscar night
Your lips need filler, Skin’s not tight
So dude give up the fight
And just do Phyllis, Diller tonight

It’s just one night so save your cash
And dig your costume from out the trash
Too old to dress up like a whore
Go buy your wig at a thrift store
Drag looks so fun on TV, right?
But Halloween is amateur night
So walk down the street with tired boozers
Cuz you can’t compete with Drag Race losers

Be Phyllis Diller tonight x 3

Don’t bother shaving your beastly back
Buy Maybelline instead of MAC
Cuz hunty you’re a manly mess
Who looks like Sasquatch in a dress
You think you look like Ben De La Creme
But you’re giving us Ben Stiller
So just phone it in this Halloween
And dress like Phyllis Diller!

DILLER!

A sample of my Thriller parody, DILLER! It's so good, it's SCARY!

Diller - Sample

Absolutely filthy parody of Lionel Ritchie's classic feel-good anthem, All Night Long!

Small White Schlong

TRANMAMA!

Oops! Oh no! I feel a draft!

Hump-back, big & round
Chewin’ Tums, housecoat of beige of brown
Soft shoe, triple-wide with Velcro too
Senior citizen, go check your insulin
Don’t you know she’s nothing like she seems
Look close, you’ll understand
She’s a man!
TranMama x 4

Electric wheelchair, her shiny machine
All her friends are in Depends
They keep their private parts clean
Soft poo drippin’ down the avenue
If you don’t build a ramp up to that ladies room

Don’t you know she’s nothin’ like she seems
I don’t mean to be rude
She’s a dude!
TranMama x 4

Yeah, she’s feelin’ a little stiff tonight
She can barely reach the shelf with the Ben Gay on it
She reaches down between her legs 
And eases the seat back

She’s flyin’ on white wine
Right behind her but she can’t hear now
Diabetic, migraine headache
Aspirin-poppin’, ain’t no stoppin’ now
TranMama x 7

TranMamaw/VOX

Horrible parody of The B-52's good-time classic LOVE SHACK!

Love Crack!

Michael Douglas, is tryin’ to tell us,
he got throat cancer from eatin’ cooze
Annoying whiner, who blames vagina,
instead of cigarettes & booze

No cunnilingus, just use your fingers,
‘cause from what I understand
Instead of suckin’, just fingerfuckin’,
‘cause you can’t get cancer of the hand

When I first read it, thought this is bullshit
So carpet-munchin’ makes you sick? (Right!)
Next thing you’ll tell me, next lie you’ll sell me
Is that it ain’t healthy to suck a dick

Now every guy’s weena, each chick’s vageena
Leads to chemotherapy
So don’t go "downtown" & don’t make this sound
Or you might end up with HPV

Turns out that this is real
The fucking truth, how dumb I feel
So all of you, had better hear me
When I sing loudly, proudly

Eatin’ pussy gives you cancer
Givin’ head is carcinogenic
If you go “downtown” and start lickin’
Next thing ya’ know you’ll need a medic

Yes, eatin’ pussy causes cancer
Better stick with masturbation
If you go “downtown” and start lickin’
Next thing ya’ know you’ll need radiation

Blow job warning, now I’m in mourning,
cuz I’ll never suck another bone
I miss the old days, even full-blown AIDS
Made it possible to still get blown

Mengingitis, HPV virus,
hate to think what’s comin’ next
I will die alone, cuz now my iPhone,
just got a virus from a dirty text

I don’t feel like such a woose
For all those years not eatin’ puss
Now everyone, you’ve got to hear me
When I sing loudly, proudly

Eatin’ pussy gives you cancer
You’ve read the headlines, heard the rumors
If you go “downtown” and start lickin’
Next thing you know you’re garglin’ tumors

Yes, eatin’ pussy causes cancer
And there’s no cure as far as we know
If you go “downtown” and start lickin’
Hope your insurance covers chemo

EATING PUSSY CAUSES CANCER

I want a muff
But I’ve got meat
My skin is rough
My voice is deep
Not really a boy or a girl
I’m more of an “In-between”

Look at these briefs
Two balls they hold
At least they get smaller when I get cold
My panties, though lacy and pink
Still bulge with this ding-a-ling

There are faggots and lezbos a-plenty
I’ve met drag queens and butch dykes galore
You want T, you want shade, you want cunty?
I don’t care, that’s not real, I want more

I wanna be where the straight men are
Wanna get wasted and then go dancin'
Shaking around my big - what do you call 'em?
Oh - tits!

Tuckin’ your junk only gets you so far
Stuffin’ your bra doesn’t work for romancin’
I want a guy who can’t find my  - what's that word again?
Clit!

Chop off my cock, remove my sack
Replace them with pussy and a giant rack
I’d be so glad, if I could have
Parts of a girl

What would I give if I could live without this penis?
What would I pay to spend a day not as a man?
Mammary glands, not manly hands
Turn this David into a Venus
Then I’m buyin’ a, new vagina
In Thailand

I’m ready to know what real women know
Ask 'em my questions and get me some answers
What's a yeast infection and why does it - what's the word?
Burn

When's it my turn?
I hope that soon, I’ll pee sitting down in the ladies room
Adios dick, then you can lick
My parts of a girl

Donuts Are A Girl's Best Friend

Jackie Beat

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