everyone wants to see him swimming with a toaster 🤣🤣

Jarvage Vol. 1

Rap-Phenomenon

BLAOW

Definition of a Rap Flow Contest Entry

This was a waste of time. Enjoy.

LYRICS:
J stiffy
Ol' j stiff 
The greatest local rapper 
You don't even know exists 
With a style like K. Swiss 
Meaning it's worn and it's played 
With a name like j stiffy
what more can I say 
I'm blown away man
I'm serious 
"The kid's a wicked lyricist"
Throwin' out my name 
as though he's fearless 
But I can hear it in your tone
You're sounding a bit shaky 
Your delivery is lacking
Now your raft- I be deflating
I be sinkin' em
I really think you're dumb 
Thinkin' you're better than me?
But I'm begging to differ 
I'm sendin' him out to sea 
Before he begins to see the sun 
Cheeky cunt, fuck you and your dingy 
I eat MCs for fun
My advice to you
Is turn away and run
No, you're not great, you're lost space 
Get socked in your mom's face 
Fuck off, little bitch, 
Big shot in the dark, caught in a crawl space 
suppose you could accost some
But umm, probably not Nate
You gotta call some other lost soul
To come and massage your prostate 
I floss great, 
awfully posh, boss takes, 
his time makin' the rhymes
Flyer than than y'all on a plane 
My name is Nathan, 
Better known as Jarv number 2
Close second to the greatest local rapper known as, who?

Awww shit, I got roasted
3rd degree 
Never heard the kid
But I know he's heard of me
It must be difficult 
To be the dopest local MC
yet, you gotta mention me 
to get some likes on fb
Ohh, Jesse, we can end it now 
and it doesn't have to get messy 
But if you wanna compare wrap sheets
Grab the scale and let's see 
You got one song on soundcloud 
Wow you're so profound 
How could I have overlooked you
The greatest rapper in town
Now, Stiffler, from American Pie, right?
I mean from what I can see
You're just as dumb and equally childlike
I can see it now 
You were gassed off your friends 
Like I should try him right?
No bro, my shit is hot
And I can tell you're more the mild type 
I'm making history 
Burnin' this herb like listerine 
Brought out the massochist in me
Now bitch, admit defeat  
You cannot sit with me
Nor stand with me
Can't event begin to handle me
I'm giving your ass a pass
Now go home and hug your family 
This little bastard, J Flaccid 
Is whack, making me batshit 
I could be found drowning 
his fake ass in Lake Placid 
Fact is, he lacks actual talent 
Yet, it's as if 
He be thinkin' he can test the kid 
I best commence to smash him
Damn man, how can I advance 
When the greatest local rapper
Put a damper on my plans
He answers to no man
A tough guy in a muscle-bound bro-stance 
But fuck it
somebody has to 
put Stiffy back in his pants

While you were in Newport, New Hampshire 
With your thumb inside your asshole
I was tourin' down the east coast 
With my dudes RA and AFRO 
Who's local now bro?
Thinkin' you're pounding on the down-low?
Im loco and I'm crazy 
You're too vocal with your sound, bro
When the day comes 
that I'm finally touring Europe 
I'll be sure to send a postcard 
To the hardest local cat
I've never heard of 
Love Jarv 
It's love, I really mean this
Wow, it's truly an honor
Being dissed by j-stiffy-micro-penis
My friends who don't even rap
Rap better out back of a party smashed
Off the top of the cap 
Than you in a written, recorded track
A simple fact 
It's mathematics 
You can't handle the static 
I combat with 
leavin' you packin'
On some badly broken back shit 
I'm snappin'
You ain't got the stones to step 
I'm prone to leave your dome blown 
Bro, go home and rest 
I'm a pro with the microphone 
Flow's in check 
Inspect the method 
When I flex 
And feel your poems deflect 
Yes, you're weak man
You know, ive heard it so many times 
Stereotypical flow 
And some cliche rhymes 
Another fake toy
With a fake Drake voice 
If you wanna take the stage after me 
I guarantee nobody makes noise 
You're scorin with the ladies, huh?
Congrats, they're dumb 
You're just another whack rapper
With a faggot fucking haircut 
Mention me again?
While I commend you for your labor
I ain't hearin it, consider this a favor

Stifle

LYRICS:

Ya' goddamn slack-jaw 
Pick ya' ass up off the asphalt 
How many times I gotta pass y'all? 
Hats off to who? You know it's me- 
The bro wit the poetry, Leave a chode MC- 
Lying on the floor, he crying, "woe is me" 

I'm throwin' these- 
Totally proficient with flow and ease 
Go and see- noticed you thinkin'- 
You got the potency to roll with me 
Homie, you know you will get broke and beat 
I'm dope indeed 
I grab the microphone, you grab your rosary beads 
Who came to see me speak? 
The soul in the boiler room, mold to the beat 
Had the flow since a fetus- I'm dope, please believe it 
Zoomed out the womb, boom box and adidas tryina break 
My mama called me Nate 
I walked out of the hospital and bought a can of paint 
Ever since that day, nothing has been the same 
Became the maniac upon the mic that you cannot contain 

Mentally, I'm better than everyone 
Never met anyone tellin' me different 
I mean it, I beat it up, eat it up, we get up- 
Even the beat isn't ready for me 
When I begin to speak in the mic 
And I'm freakin' it right away 
Never be havin' to breath 
I'm competin' to be the one 
biddin' a bitter goodbye 
to an idiot thinkin' he king 
It ain't really a thing when I'm bringin' it out- 
But the people, they love it- that; I'm all about 
And if I could defeat every bit of the weak in a weekend, 
I'd do it and then I'd be out 
With a negative agony down in my belly 
I'd be disemboweling all of my enemies 
Draggin' 'em back to the pad in a bag 
I'm attackin the whack and I'm leavin' 'em empty 

Tempt me 
I'm a nice guy, but who knows, I might snap 
When I kick flows, these thick hoes get sewn to my sack 
I write that with an intention to bend it and lean it 
If I say it enough, it'll become true, do you know what I mean? 
It's like I walk through valley and I'm askin' for sex 
I finally got to Leb and then I'm askin', "what's next?" 
I bust heads, but in a nice way- I might stay and rest 
Or maybe I'll head back to Windsor, so I can play with my friends 
Sup Teece, sup Ethan 
Hey Nate, wassup Drew 
Hey nick, what's up nick 
Futawn; fuck you 
I'm just playin baby ♥︎ I cannot be taken serious 
But if you want a lyricist, look no further here he is 
Steerin' his vehicle into the ditch- pitiful 
Miserable little idiot fillin' the rhythm full- 
Of everything he got, will he give it up? No sir 
Everybody wanna see him swimmin' with a toaster 
Overhead, I fly like a missile 
Soar like an eagle, I'm so official 
This'll maybe hurt a bit, might even tickle 
Either way it doesn't have to be made into a big issue 

If you wanna get down to the beat 
I'm the clown for the job 
You have found what you need 
I compound with the sound 
I confound and defeat 
From the nose to the toes 
From the ground to the beak x2 

If ya' just got paid 
Or ya' just got laid 
And you're havin' a good day, say hooooo 
"Hoooo" 

All the people in the place 
Who are feelin' out of place 
Who don't really wanna play say noooo 
"Noooo"

The Boiler Room

Slack-Jaw

LYRICS:

I woke up in a wreck on somebody's back deck 
I stumbled down the street- beer and weed on my breath 
"What happened?" is the only question I could fathom asking 
As a stumbled in to vomit in the gas station bathroom 
Crusted in my mustache- I must ask the cashier 
Where I can find a trash bin to throw this condom wrapper in 
Least there's a possibility I wore one 
Who's the lucky lady? What may Natey have contracted? 
As I leave, I'm trying desperately 
To unweave this tapestry and pick up every last puzzle piece 
But I can't do it, I'm ruined and I cannot reassemble 
I blame it on the pain in my temple 
I've been to the bottom and here I am again 
I gotta find my car and I gotta find my friends 
I feel like shit, man- I feel so alone 
I got high last night and I didn't go home 

I'm tryina think back to the beginning of the bender 
The last I remember was Sam the bartender 
Trek down the street through 90 degree weather 
Skin color- green, I should be on a stretcher 
Walkin' down Mainstreet, a car pulls up 
Pizza face baby weighed about 3 bucks 
"I had fun last night, you got my number, hit me up" 
I looked her in the eyes and I replied like, "yup." 
I make it to the the bar- find my car is parked 
The only problem is, I don't know where the keys are 
RETARD 
I would to call a homie, but hey- wouldn'tcha know 
The phone in my pocket could desperately use a recharge 
I step into the bar and ask if I can use the phone 
They were like, "Nate, after we cut you off- where did you go?" 
Uuugh, man- I really wish I knew, but I don't 
All I know is I got high and I didn't go home" 

I called up Teece, I was like, "Ayy, wassup 
I'm hungover at the station, please come pick me up 
My car's out front, but I can't find the keys" 
He was like, "Dude I took 'em- remember? You tried to leave" 
"Well, dude- you couldn't gimme a ride?" 
"Man, I tried, but you left with that fat chick, insisting that you were fine" 
Noooo 
God why 
Fuck me 
I ran outside and dry-heaved in the street 
Who coulda seen? I hope nobody knows 
I'm beginning to think that I'm outta control 
I oughtta get it together but I know that I won't 
That's the way the cookie crumbles, that's life- I suppose 
So there I sit, basking in shame 
'Till Teece pulled up and he laughed in my face 
He handed me my keys, "Hey, thanks- I gotta go 
I got high last night and it's time to go home" 

I'll wake up in a fog- god dang, good god 
I'll put it all together like "oh-lawd" 
I hardly ever smoke, it's a fact that I drink 
Put 'em both together, I'll be yackin' in a sink x2.5

Oh-Lawd

LYRICS:

Everybody rappin' like it's a commercial 
Everybody rappin' like it's a commercial 
Everybody rappin' like it's a commercial 
Actin' like life is a big commercial x2 

Introducing the uncoordinated Bruce Lee- 
Jarv, retard on tracks, by ThiefofBaghdad from New Zea- 
Landing on branches like Leo in The Revenant 
While rappers get branded, I stay contractually hesitant 
Standing on my own two, dismantle a pansy- thrown through 
paneling of fake wood, I'm hotter than rockin' snow suits 
In July or August, gotta' teach 'em- taught 'em raw shit 
Temperature will be goin up 
Hotter than any dumb hoe with some large tits 
Grab 'em, ahh, motorboat (brrrr) slap 'em 
Not the tits, the rappers braggin' about their massive lack of talent 
Riding on a hover board, elastic ankle slouch pants 
Smedium shirts and snap backs, doin' the dab dance 
How much were the shoes that your parents bought you? 
Haven't worked a day in your life, it's so ironic you're a tool 
man, who you trying to impress? Have you not a shred of virtue? 
Actin' like life is a big commercial 

Everybody rappin' like it's a commercial 
Everybody rappin' like it's a commercial 
Everybody rappin' like it's a commercial 
Actin' like life is a big commercial x2 

Act now and we'll throw in an extra set for free 
Call the number on your screen and buy my shitty CD 
Grab your fire suits because this mixtape's fuego, 
Act now and you'll receive a stale everything bagel 
Taste-testers open up your mouths real wide 
We've got a little something that we wanna put inside 
It's great for all occasions, especially college parties 
Best enjoyed while you're chompin' off your tongue rollin' on Molly 
Get your glow sticks ready, autotune comin' at ya' 
Baalooaaloooaalooaalooo 
Who's your new favorite rapper? 
Give me all your money, invest in my clothing line 
Fashion over rapping, in my skirt I'm feeling so divine 
I made it, thanks to all of the kids who donated 
I'm poppin bottles, sippin' syrup, gettin' so faded 
I'm famous- most played on your little sister's playlist 
My listeners are dumb and they're easily persuaded 
Man, fuck that- You suck and you're only getting worse, dude 
Thief and I will break down walls, bomb and then burst through 
Bother and hurt, vomit and purge on your purse, dude 
You're actin' like life is a big commercial 

Everybody rappin' like it's a commercial 
Everybody rappin' like it's a commercial 
Everybody rappin' like it's a commercial 
Actin' like life is a big commercial 

Actin' like life is a big commercial x4

Slack-Jaw

Jarv.

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