Long ago, a mystical hashpipe was forged from the mightiest tree in the galaxy. Twas foretold that one day it would be bestowed upon a warlock of awesome power, and he would use it to travel the motherfucking cosmos and make dank ass music.

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Deep in the lands of Portland, Oregon lived an evil sorcerer. His only purpose in life was to spread chaos and mayhem throughout the world. Summoning demons, spirits and unholy beasts from the bowels of hell, there looked to be no hope left for humanity. As the end drew near, the skies blackened and the air became thick and shrouded in smoke... but through the dust and rubble, four warriors took up arms against this menacing fiend. Sir Rusty, wielding his axe of destruction, forged from the bones of his fallen enemies. Sir Chris, with his menacing maul of malice, wiping out all who oppose in a single sipe. Sir Scott, harnessing the power of the twin blades and war drums, made from the skins of the foulest of beasts. And Sir Lucas, with his relentless battle cries and slicing scythe of death. Together, these noble heroes were known as the VALIANT BASTARDS, forever to fight against the evils of this land.

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