I sincerely thought you were a person I would know for the rest of my life. I could have sworn on it. I did swear, actually. It was you that fell through on your promise, all of them. All I can say now is that I forgive you. I still get angry, I still laugh at some of our old jokes. I still listen to LOP4 when I'm driving home, and I still don't know all the words. I still miss feeling like a little kid. Losing you reminded me I am only getting older and I've spent so much of my life sad. I loved you so much it nearly killed me, so losing you left me with nothing else to love, so losing you helped me find love in the littlest of things, even the things I'd never noticed before. Because that's what you do when you want to die but you don't want to die you just want to be happy. Like the way Texas smells in the morning after it rains all night. Or the way the sky looks at 6PM from the balcony on an evening in August or the way my favorite plant, who actually just passed away, blooms in the morning and closes her petals when the moon comes out, I think that's really beautiful how life works. Or myself. And Losing you left me hollow. And I chose to fill myself with beautiful things this time. Because I realized I didn't want to die, I wanted real love. As time passed I decided to forgive you, even though you're the last person on Earth that deserves it. Losing you taught me more about myself and my life than anything else ever has, funny enough. It made me realize you were only in the way. You didn't love me at all, and you being there was blocking my heart and my vision of everything I still have to live for. Losing you taught me that love isn't a person. I've found it in all things, I try to at least. I tell myself if I can love a bad omen such as you to the extent that I did, then I can surely find love in literally anything else. It doesn't need to be a person, it doesn't need to be you. And with that in mind I woke up and I decided to forgive you. I often question if I know what love is at all, to have loved someone like you. I tell myself my heart is just so big that I can find love in anything, all things, even the worst things for me. And so I have been, but good things these days. And everyday it gets easier to cope with the notsogood days. and these day's my good days outweigh the bad ones. And in no way at all am I giving you any credit for my efforts in renewing my life. I'm just saying thank you for leaving, because had you not I wouldn't have discovered that love and suffering coincide on occasion, but in no way are they the same force. And I think that some's up our love pretty well. Or whatever you want to call whatever it is you put me through. And loving is not nearly as hard as you made it out to be, I was just loving the wrong things. So yes I forgive you, but these feelings live in my chest still. And I want to make room for more love, so I will sing it out of me until you aren't something I have to feel ever again. And then I will look back and thank you sincerely for killing the old me. I love the strong me a lot better now. She isn't picky she just knows what she wants and that's okay. I will never love anything else in this world the way that I loved you, and that truth brings me aching and both reassurance. I never want to be so in love that I would die for it. I don't want to die for love. I want to be so in love that it makes me want to live. I feel that at this point that is saying a lot more. I want to live again, and now that you're gone it's too easy to ask myself, had I ever even done so before?
(3AM cover. lyrics by Emo folk God Keaton Henson. Love that guy, always got me through hard times.)

Alright voice memo

This is how the inside of my brain sounds at 1AM in a parking lot after losing my favorite person. Original track mixed and recorded by me on my iphone XR.
Beat by (ig: @Caps.Ctrl)
IG: JENURAH
Inquiries: bloodhoneybunny@gmail.com

Channels [prod. CapsCtrl]

I saw you tried to call me last night
It was so hard to forget your voice
Wasn't sure how I would take the sound
So I just cried and let the phone ring out
It wasn't that I didn't want to speak
I just know you'll never be what I need
And that thought alone nearly tore my heart out
I could have sworn I loved you more than anything. </3

Not sure if you could ever say the same
Although I know that's probably what you're gonna say
I wish I'd never went along with your behavior
It led me to a hell I'd have to deal with later

But I never thought you'd take it that far
I told you everything so we both know you knew

That that would hurt me
It nearly killed me
You’re in my nightmares
You still look so pretty

I didn't know what to say
I thought about you every single day
I never thought that it would end this way
I really, really wanted you to stay
I never thought that you would fucking hurt me
And you hurt me worse than any fucking body
And I think that’s what hurt me the most
It wasn’t love, I want back all my innocence

I was stranded fucking manic all alone
You drove me crazy, called me crazy so I was
You tried to kill me then you tried to call it love
And then you left without a word bitch what the fuck

I really thought that we could fucking fix this
And you left me here with all the broken pieces
I hear the echo’s of the screams in our apartment
I still feel all the lies you fed me in my stomach

Thought they were butterflies
But they we just the knives'
That you left in my back the day you left, remember that?
Cause I remember that

And I remember when you told me that you loved me for the first time.

It really hurts to think that it was all a lie
But sleeping here without you I'll be just fine.

Written by JENURAH OLOWU.
PROD. MICHAELWARREN
2021, bloodhoneybunny@gmail.com

i promise </3

i miss feeling like a little kid. i hate your voice. you hate mine just as much. i don't miss you anymore i just wish it wasn't so hard to trust again but i'm doing the best i can everyday and i know i'll never see you again so be that as it's probably for the best. i got so lost in you i forgot who i was before you tried to ruin me. i have so many different things i could say to you. i'll never get to say them to you. but they need to come out so i can love myself again. and i'll never give up on myself the way you all gave up on me. i'll always believe in me even if it's the last thing i get to do. i'm not scared anymore but lately i'm wonderful of what the world holds for me. i have to figure out who i am now that i've decided you don't get to tell me who to be. and it gets so scary, but more lonely than anything. i wasn't lying when i told you i'll never love you again but that doesn't mean i don't still long for all the emotion i invested in you. i miss what the wind felt like last november. on this day a year ago at this time i was probably on my way to pick you up from work. it's 7:26pm. i wonder i'll be exactly a year from today at this time. it's 7:27pm now. i hope i have more clarity on why my life has been playing out the way it has been. i want to love again one day, i still believe in it, i want and believe in a lot of things. i'm turning 20 next month. i still don't know who i am. but lately i've been receiving a lot of reassurance that that's just fine and most people, even older&more experienced than me, also feel how i feel and also don't know. maybe we're not here to know and we are here to create. i try not to be angry. i do know that i'm here for a reason. i know that much. i didn't live for nothing, so i won't die for nothing either. i want to love again i love having one close to me and knowing people. i value connection so deeply and experiencing different perspectives through knowing another's mind. it's like a whole different world each person with a brain has such a story to tell. i like scary movies too, a lot, so maybe that's why i tend to fall even for the people that have no love in their bodies. i have so much love to give but i want to know how it feels to give it to me now. it's hard trying to love everyone else while simultaneously not properly loving yourself, but that doesn't mean it's impossible. i believe it just means it's more possible to end for worse than for better. i'm still hopeful that even in my mess and on my worst days when i'm hardest to love someone will love me the way i am. and i won't have to change or hide myself for anyone else because i know already that even when people treat me as though i am unloveable the way i am now, a work in progress, and i want that person to be me. i'm tired of living for other people. i really want to be my own favorite person. i wish and i'm hopeful there's someone in the world that will be as eager to understand me as i am them. actually, i just want to know there's one person on the planet that loves me and won't leave me when i need love the most. i'm trying and choosing to stop abandoning myself for other people. i'm enough i know i am. i miss feeling close to someone. but i'd rather work toward being happy than settle in unpleasant places just for the sake of having someone there. i feel lonely when i'm surrounded by those i feel i can't be my honest self with. i'm not sure i mind being alone, just don't like feeling lonely. and i feel lonely lately as i search for myself. and i think that's just fine. and i think that what other people think of me doesn't matter anymore, i'm not trying to hurt anyone just trying to be happy. everyone tells me to just be happy. i've really been trying, excuse me if i snap and bite, the ones that were supposed to love me the most looked kind too. i struggle with saying how i feel lately but i see good days ahead. OCD is contagious. love is too. i hope you have a good day. thank you for believing in me.

Scrub

an archive i can play in my car until i record the full version. thanks.
(i heard your voice for the first time in a long time yesterday. i cried for a few hours but i was okay. yesterday i realized you're the reason my head is spinning but i decided i'll make the most of it. it doesn't matter what you say, if i was going to hate you i'd hate you by now. sometimes it feels like i do but i know i never could. very much indifferent, neutral, and trying to heal. trying to understand why. karma is working everything out i guess. love you, kid.)

JENURAH

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