A POTTED HISTORY OF 3D SHARK
 
Out of nowhere, 3D Shark’s debut single (You Only Did It Cos) Pete Major b/w Short Back and Sides makes an immediate impression and reaches #14 in the charts.

Follow-up Outing to Albania b/w (Theme from) 3D Shark  capitalises on this unexpected success and gives the band a first Top Ten hit when it goes to #5.

Sick Note b/w Joe Summer becomes huge and hits #1 as people can't get the chorus out of their heads. It eventually becomes the song they most hate as fans argue that the B-Side was better than the A-side. 

Appearances on television shows with Graham Norton and Jonathan Ross bring 3D Shark right into the mainstream. Now household names, there is talk of attempting to crack America.
 
Lacking any further recordings the band returns to the studio, but producer Frankie can't get them off his sofa to do some work, despite various threats, many of a sexual nature.  

Guitarist Major responds by storming out, but in his emotional state trips and falls down the stairs with his treasured Rickenbacker, resulting in a broken arm and bruised ego. The guitar is fine. 

The band must await his recovery before further recording and touring can take place.  Momentum is lost.  In the meantime singer Elliott, bassist Reilly-Stewart and drummer Hicks twiddle their thumbs and count their stacks of money.
 
After a hiatus of a year, and, despite a blaze of publicity, including a nude band photoshoot wearing only hoods, their next single Mystery Man b/w Scale of Haste falls short of it's intended mark reaching #4. This disappointment is something of a 3D watershed.

After a long time in the studio, a massively overproduced Sunshine Stride b/w This is Not Canada divides the critics. It creeps up to #9, but is  the last time the band will reach the top 10.

By the time My Low Key Approach b/w My Name is Brian Clough is released the tide has truly turned.  It stalls at #28.  In the background there are tales of band division and increased Franziskaner consumption.
 
They receive terrible press when they perform The Underpants Bomber (rather than the planned Sick Note) on The Late Late Show.  "Now, that was in terrible taste fellas", comments the host, "We would like to apologise to all our viewers...".  They are banned from RTE, but even this isn't enough to catapult them back into public favour.
 
Desperate to have another big hit they release an everything-plus-the-kitchen-sink Christmas single b/w a live version of Pete Major but by this time Reilly-Stewart is never in the studio, Major is busy with side projects, Hicks has gone off to "find him/herself" and Elliott is trying to launch a solo career. They go at each other in the press and split up before the single peaks at #59.
 
The money eventually runs out and memories of 3D Shark fade. "They could have been great, but, well, they weren't", being the consensus among fans.
 
Over the next decade the members of the band all have their ups and downs. Mostly downs.  

Major goes underground and there are rumours that he lives by a secret identity. Reilly-Stewart grows bitter and swears never to touch a bass again - no one cares. Hicks attempts to emulate Harry Judd by appearing on Strictly Come Dancing, but is thrown off the programme for punching Craig Revel-Horwood. Elliott's solo career is a disaster and he finally gives up chasing the dream, moves to the countryside and pursues a life of full-time fishing.
 
Twenty years on they agree to gather together one last time to perform a farewell concert in aid of Terri Hooley's retirement home fees. They meet the fans, sign the autographs, pose for the pictures, listen to Terry's speech and, then, disappear for good.
 
THE END


Keith Mcvitty is following