guts' theme

written for a friend who died in a car crash like 2 days later
moody fucker.

Bridge to

working on the muddiness

Sometimes I look at the garden I let burn
And wonder if I let those flowers bloom again
Would they spread love or ache in my rough hands
Or take the petals up to into the hills and spread 
the love across a mountain lake

Love left me in an eggshell
Love left me with no way back home 
Wandering through the woods alone  

it takes so long when you're left waiting for the end, when it's all that's left
I remember that new years I thought I'd finally figured you out
 
The hive is dead and still the buzz goes on and on
Love lives in a waspnest
Soft and sweet
gnawing in my chest
digging through the night for a body I cannot find again

The hive is dead and still your buzz goes on and on
Love lives in a waspnest
Soft and sweet
Ashen clots to stay this hurt inside my chest
Love lives in a waspnest 

I don't want to stay
Digging the same grave   
Pulsing in my chest
Buzzing in my ears
The wasps now begin
To come up from my skin

I never thought I'd find myself there, in the woods with nothing but a coarse string to bribe me back home
I wandered in the woods for years until I found them, their own string trailing behind them, just as lost, but eyes equally determined.
The following months there was some odd comfort, though our strings gathered and no longer pointed home, that was somehow okay, to wander aimlessly.
Their strings were tattered, chewed by moths, knotted, breathing, and fucking buzzing something like a wasp nest, frayed yet freakishly beautiful 
And as soon as it began it was over, again the woods had become a lonely place

love lives in a waspnest

Love Lives In A Waspnest

rise crystal spear, fly true over me

suddenly gone from here, left alone on the road
what brings you back, promises of a memory
your own ghost running away with the past

disappear in the sun all gone
it took a while just to think of home

my oldest friend that I barely knew 
so much fun hanging around in the dark
you stop time, managed to somehow find a way out of here
dagger in everyone's heart.

Ritchie Sacramento (Mogwai cover)

demo kinda

send the host away
and leave this shaking skin
gaze upon the prey
the skin in wait

tear apart these bloodied arms
and calm those shaking nerves
pull apart my frantic eyes
let fly the hungry beast
take apart my stillborn hands
to build a cold dream

I died and a wild animal appeared in my place

I found a way but it breaks me down
this frenzied skin's here to stay
I try to unhinge but impulse always wins
this frenzied skin's here to stay
this frenzied skin's here to stay
this frenzied skin's here to tear me out
this frenzied skin's here to stay
this frenzied skin's here to stay

frenzied skin

wouldn't they like
to see you a mess 
a wandering regret
left to the worms

a painted actor
left to his painted stage
a lonesome display

howling for more
another blade to make sparks
another blade for my heart
howling for someone to hear me  

Such a shame that I never could get it quite right
Swinging this weight around
I can't shake these thoughts

drifting // draining
on the bloodied fields
my eyes don't see much  
i bleed
i trampled the remaining
i wince
Can't do this much longer
Just waiting for something stronger

Such a shame that I never could get it quite right
Swinging this weight around
I can't shake these thoughts

field

worried (apistat commander cover)

Actually just a demo
Experimenting with vocal harmonies and I'm not good enough to do it yet but it's nice to try.



Just like a lost and orphaned marionette child
Whose strings have long lost their charm
Overspent

In the attic, on the tabletop there's
Figures of glass on a wood battlefield
To the left side, flank their horrid spawn and
Take to their keep, where they kept those godless
Sword and axe collide and splinter my frail wood
The weight of their game feels too much
Their captain takes hold of me by cross brace
Screams it's done as I go numb


I saw a bloodied child
Leading through the fetid mob
Who was brave and which side were they on?
Mists of blood as soldiers died
Children died to give them their  final prize


In the dark where stars have died
Twin flames rise from those inside
An egg of death, a binding scar
Ties the fates of kin afar
In the night bloodlines overthrown
One will ascend a broken throne
Consuming self, deep hunger’s moan
One will feast upon his own

I can't find my way
through the thorns and overgrowth
young soul has lost ambition

They march in step, a twisted ballet
Bound to their strings day and night
With every turn, the noose grows tighter and tighter
A silent howl, a final plea

In this winter theater of misery
I dance to their song on a sad string

Bound to the master, bound to his hate.
Reach to my brother's warped hands
"We are but passengers atop an egg of gods, soon to hatch" SAS

Marionettes

Woke up in my ribcage, ceiling stitched above me 
She speaks in static, then in velvet, then in silence
glass in my teeth, let my life just crash 
thought I’d feel it, but I just closed my eyes. 
No smoke, no fire 
guess I’ve been gone longer than I thought.

Flickering bulb in an empty house, sometimes warm, mostly just there. 
Sing a song of someone else, and I won’t even mind 

What won't break won't learn to heal, it just fills up the empty home 
The earth swallowed me up 
I dug a hole to fall asleep

It’s a never-ending nothing, sinking me down 
tugging and it's twisting, won't ever let me drown. 

If I left, would I still be leaving? 
Or did I lose it somehow 
body stuck in stop motion, directionless
No smoke, no fire I'm just a passenger in my own body

passenger (demo)

jesus christ

untitled

Cheesy (excerpt)

burn therapy

joy division cover (1979)

A change of speed, a change of style
A change of scene, with no regrets
A chance to watch, admire the distance
Still occupied, though you forget
Different colours, different shades
Over each mistakes were made
I took the blame
Directionless so plain to see
A loaded gun won't set you free
So you say

We'll share a drink and step outside
An angry voice and one who cried
We'll give you everything and more
The strain's too much, can't take much more
Oh, I've walked on water, run through fire
Can't seem to feel it anymore

It was me, waiting for me
Hoping for something more
Me, seeing me this time
Hoping for something else

new dawn fades

fade away
and burn your heart
fade away
stay away
don't burn me out

Deep blue 
The ocean view
The faces glued to ice
The sharks feed on their young 
I lay here just to watch
and I can't feel a thing
Forever swimming down
The sea beckons me out
I swim till I black out

In nine days i'll go missing
In nine weeks the body will wash up off the Glacier Bay 
In nine months I'll be forgotten

That's okay.

The seas will show their teeth
The young will wash away
Mothers follow them down
Cut the throat and feed the freak

In nine days i'll go missing
In nine weeks the body will wash up off the Glacier Bay 
In nine months I'll be forgotten

I'm not here no more
I've lost the spark that kept my bones together
I've splintered, I'm undone
You were the lash in my eye
The last siren of the lake
I'll cut my eyes out now
It's all I want to see

I need to disappear
To fade out with the tide
I break the golden bell
The sound is agony

To crush myself like a bug
Wrote pages to a knife
That knife won't hold
Let's burn just one last time

In nine days i'll go missing
In nine weeks the body will wash up off the Glacier Bay 
In nine months I'll be forgotten

I want to dice myself to tiny little bits
Strings twist and strangle me, but I won't let go and lose my way home

glacier bay

bloodhail (hanl cover)

Lose the ceiling drop the kids fear of numbers fear of skin
Lose my control, lose my face, frightened creatures in my head

Dressed in all shades of blue
Cross hatched and doublecrossed
Branded, streets of snow
Black sky, my ceiling
To the world it might not be much
The streets untouched, this world's enough.

Fixed to a flame outside
The bishops scream in tongues
Calm witches dressed in black
Three words and then they're gone

my ears are failing
my eyes are draining
snow freckles fading
snow freckles draining
that night i dreamt of twelve-legged monsters

Speaking words to make them feel some sense of worth
Slice out your poisoned tongue
Forgo your faulted sons
Shit festered vale I haunt 
it's storming each night i dream
Caged in your bloodied hands
Softly tucked into bed

i want out
let me out

They're scared I'll wake and see their faces
Friends, lovers, sunburnt, children and freaks
They bred a monster, cannibalizing on my own flesh, my own blood on my teeth

But to the world outside
That joy is not my own
I breathe and feel in blue
I speak so I am God.
My thoughts aren't filling
Woodrot in my trees
snow freckles fading
snow freckles draining
speaker of the word
who got away clean
I pray your lungs fail
I pray your heart stops

The storm's not mine, 
just Leftover broken tributes
They'll never look in my eyes
Won't let me have a face
my thoughts are sludged 
tied into place with broken strings
Worship the astral moon
Cannibalize my eyes

snow cannibal

inside skin left behind, don't breathe in
water's rising, i won't take prisoners
stay away
violent weather brings crying mothers
stay inside

sunshine pull me closer so I can just push you away
thought I felt your breath on me below the glacier bay
Burning in the water I can feel your hands ablaze
Drinking up the ocean, and they made you a holiday

don't lie you would do the same and break down
comfort terrifies me so i'll stay inside this cold dream anxious
wanting something different, got it, never satisfies me
i've slept 10000 times but i don't ever remember falling asleep
i'm done staying up to see the sunrise

sunshine pull me closer so I can just push you away
thought I felt your breath on me below the glacier bay

inside

|Faith, you're driving me away| from you
I can't shake my thoughts
You wear me out.
swallow me alive gently
You keep driving me away

driving me away

My body shakes, but nothing's left moving
The latest news took the form of lightning 
My brain's a car, that car's underwater
The latest news took my head at the altar

I'm a mess inside
Walls with nothing to hide

home is at the bottom of the sea
arms and neck left tangled in seaweed
locking eyes and laying in the sands
while the freak feeds below folded hands

why do i feel so weightless now
ringing, shaking, calming jowls

fuck me up

That's a pill and you've got to take it
That's a pill and you've got to take
That's a pill and you've got to take it
I won't rest until you take it
That's a heart that you made
That's a heart, and the both of you made it
That's a heart that you made
I won't rest until I break it.

It’s the l'histoire de la family
It’s the l'histoire de la femme
It’s the l'histoire de la family

And I won't rest until I forgot about it
I won't rest until I don't care
And I won't rest until I forgot about it
I won't rest until I don't care
La la la la la la la la la

That's a razor and you'll make a threat
That's a razor, make a million billion threats
That's a razor and you'll make a threat
And I won't rest cos I've heard it all before

My behind is a beehive
There's a buzz in my backside
My behind is a beehive
And I won't rest while you break my will

Je t'aime the valley
Je t'aime the valley
OH
Je t'aime the valley
I am an orphan to the valley

And I won't rest until I forgot about it
I won't rest until I don't care
And I won't rest until I forgot about it
La la la la la la la la la

i luv the  valley, OH (xiu xiu cover)

A newborn blood moon exits the chrysalis
repurged and young
wings frayed and sewn
soft eyes stay closed
devour the devil and god into your soul
Summer breeze flirts with entropy and I'm caught

The moon dreamed a painted nightmare
Of cold skies atop a boiling sea 
And there is no sleep for the dream eater
Boreal forests and azure fields I held in my tin locket
An evocation, a burning crew, sun danced up my eyes
A frantic light
A bloody tide

When the moon turned into the sea
Nereids gathered all 'round me
O from the sky stared an ox-eye
A freak goddess upon clouds of lye
Spoke softly
Child, please drown with me
I set fire to my rimed wings

When I had the choice to be 
Swallowed by the sky or sea
O from the skies, I heard angel's voice
A tempest wind, bellowing noise
O In the sea, blue, reflecting light
I plucked my eyes and chose to drown

I dreamed a sea
With winding paths and a row of seeds
My alkaline blood was warm
My blood ran through the rivers and fed the trees
A tomb for the damned 
A tomb for the living
No voice could reach the floor
No joy, no despair
It was a dream I was never in
But could never wake from

O from the sea, I saw blood painted skies
A painted world that was all mine

When the sun turned into the sky
O bloodied teeth and blinded eyes
Salvation called me to the gates
My painted world fell apart again
When the lord gave me a chance to restart
I bore my cracked teeth into their heart

Painted Nightmare

i found joy but it couldn't find me
borrowed time and it caught up with me
i found god, they're nothing but a feeling
set to launch, and it's going away

sailing through electric dead dreams
i will always love you
all the love you gave me
a cross i couldn't bear

i found god in a pair of used gloves
love letters grow and they die in the trees
i'm unsure and it eats me away
gnawing thoughts, i can't live with my brain

dear you
send it off in my jaws
i will always love you
though i couldn't keep those stitches in your sweater
cinema of regret
i will always love you
all the ghosts that live here
a cross i couldn't bear

gnaw

I wish I could storm the beaches

Should I breathe
Should I wait until it hurts for when I leave
I know that joy won't last
And the summer will soon pass 
And the clouds will move in soon
And the sun becomes the moon

Do I wait until the flowers bloom
Or do I pluck them up to calm these moods
Wasps are buzzing through my skull
Let them turn me into human mulch

normandy

sometimes wanna burn the gardens that i grew
sometimes wanna chew my skin through
sometimes wanna disappear up north
To be forgotten and live off the earth
Sometimes I spend the whole night on the floor
And I don't think about nothin no more
Sometimes my blood's  filled up with doubt
Wear a mask, and pull my skin inside out


Whose blood's on my teeth

Sometimes I want a daughter, and my own workbench
But no one's child should have to live like this
Sometimes I wonder if I'd be missed
If I couldn't resist
or if I were softly convinced
Sometimes I wish that to my best-
I was the best
Just someone's best
Sometimes wanna burn the gardens that I grew
I thought I grew
there's nothing new

blood

My skin's sore, and so old
Polar bear ate my son
The garden that I grew has all burned
And I feel just at home in the ash, miserable

No more stars to fill my bedroom
I could curl up and try
Ribs feel cracked and spreading outward
Your spirits helped me to drown

Place your heel onto my sternum
I feel loved when I'm alone 
Send a postcard through the river
Watch the ink bleed away

Won't feel important tonight
But tomorrow I'll shine
All that dirt out  in the warm sun
I'm worn out being on my mind

I'm selling blood out in the city
everyone's buying too much
I don't wanna go home now
I just want to recharge

I just wanna go home
I'm not having much fun

frayed wire

Feed me voltage, I'm a scared rat 
always gnawing
I can't build a home in this skin
lock the doors

never got it down

music/lyrics unreleased by @thruaglassdarkly
just trying to piece them together

you are the torture lord
unkind to everything that you do
thinking in back and forth
unnecessary rambling
demanding time
and attention
i will not stop
until I feel good
champagne, meadow anne says
you will feel good i know
kill this unhappiness
weighing you down
invisible demons dormant
at the bottom of your stomach
barbarian, sparta
van helsing, rocky balboa
i will not stop
until i feel good
champagne, meadow anne says
you will feel good i know

champagne

Eyes the size of my head
it's coming in
fingernails across my chest
my jacket of flesh
this fog hides summer
intestines pulled like fried yakisoba
bare my name
This never stops this rope this wood
it's coming again
consuming away I am prey

beneath the shed i'm shedding all of this weight
I won't be feeling of this again
thought I'd have this down by now
 
Down the cliff there's a village
I'm in it I'm not in it
I'm prey to a hungry mountain god
my friends say they love me
they don't love me
i'm slipping

prey

solo project

one eye is shut and the other one's completely crushed

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