s/o to the people that hurt me enough to write more than one song ab them
alex
lorraine
damean 
dawson

and most importantly
he_knows_who

all_original_songs_2020

Release date:
11/11/20

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEhtxfDIk8w SUNSHINE by wurlishmouk

lyrics:
loving you feels so sweet
when i first saw you, i was swept off my feet
darling, without you, my life’s incomplete
and if i hurt you, you can be honest with me
for my attention is something you’ll never have to compete
when we talk, everything else seems obsolete
i know the real you, and want him in my backseat
waiting here for the day we finally meet

i know i’ll always have you, there's nothing i won’t do
we have a love that’s so true, every time i see you-

i love you anew
i’ll be there when you feel blue,
cus i know you‘ll be there for me too
the second we spoke i knew i needed you, 
and when we meet i know you’ll feel it too

in my past, before
life without you was such a bore
now i’m so happy i feel i can soar
i love you to the depths of my core
one day i hope we’ll become something more
and these feelings we have, we won’t have to ignore
longing for the day you walk through my door
you’re somewhere out there, i’m sure

there’s not a second i don’t love, not a minute i don’t care
cus we have a bond we that can’t tear
loving you is like floating on air
i promise when we’re together i’ll hold you when you’re scared
before i go to sleep, you’re in my prayers
hopin’ when i wake up you’ll be there
i know the distance between us doesn’t seem fair
but i’ll love you through it, cus no love can compare

words i put into a song can’t describe
how deep my fondness is; for you, i’d give my life
i could never hurt nor leave you for the biggest of bribes..
how i long for the days spent together til we die
watching the sun leave and the stars fill the sky
looking in the shining eyes of the love of my life
you know i fail with the emotions i try to scribe
but it’s alright, cus you know how i feel inside

but this song doesn’t yet describe the love i have for you at all
when i met you i didn’t slip into love, it was a clean fall

loving_you (prod. wurlishmouk)

Release date:
11/15/2020

instrumental: https://soundcloud.com/madisonelaineofficial/snowstorm "Snowstorm" by Madison Elaine

Lyrics:
I need you so badly and I'm afraid that you don't love me anymore, 
that you didn't cry until you passed out in your bed when all of this mess happened. 
That you don't need me. 
That you'll move on, that you have moved on, that you won't be waiting for me like I'm still waiting for you. 
I miss the nights that we had fun and sneaking around at 4 in the morning. 
I miss falling asleep to you singing in the shower. 
I miss imagining our lives together. 
It hurts a bit to do it now, not from the possibility of it happening and having to wait, but the possibility of it not happening because you don't want it to. 
I'm scared you'll forget me, I'm more scared I'll forget you. 
But I'm certain the latter won't happen. 
I stay up and think about you and cry. 
I fall asleep to my music box with the twinkly version of the lullaby you used to sing for me. 
I go outside and watch the sunset and wonder if you're watching it, too. 
I hope you are, 
I hope it so much. 
We could be friends when you're allowed to talk to me again, but I'll never stop loving you. 
I won't. 
I can't. 
It hurts so much without you. 
So many other problems are happening right now for me, but you don't have to worry over them anymore, do you? 
You're so perfect.
I'm sorry that I had to scare you with all of this. 
I didn't mean for this to end. 
I tried to say I love you one last time before you were taken away from me. 
I hope you had a good time in Colorado. 
I hope you're having good times with your friends, and I hope that sometime you can tell me about them. 
I think I'm running out of characters, but I won't run out of love for you.

intro/dehumanized (prod. Madison Elaine)

Release date:
11/17/2020

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfL7RMiWJdo "get back" prod. metlast 

lyrics:
I thought you said forever
I thought you said you’d stay
I thought you’d still love me when i went away
I thought you’d care for me
I thought you’d never let me hurt
I thought you said you’d wipe away my tears with your shirt
I thought you’d always listen 
I thought you’d never run
I thought a life without me wouldn’t be any fun
Without you i am hollow
Without you i am torn
Without you i am in too much pain, my heart is all worn

I thought you said you’d be there
I thought you said you’d wait
I thought you’d be around for the four years, or however long it’d take
I thought you’d always love me
I thought it’d never change
I thought it would be better if I just took the all blame
I thought you would forgive me
Maybe you did, but you moved on
I thought you’d realize without you i won’t last long
I’m sorry for keeping you up at night
I’m sorry for making dumb mistakes
I’m sorry for breaking our promise but it’s so hard not to break

i thought you were the one
i thought i was your only
i thought you’d be here and never leave me lonely
now you’re all gone
a bittersweet memory
i wish i could turn back time to when you still loved me

i_thought [prod. metlast]

Release date:
11/19/2020

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k80DEgNF0OA "too hard" prod. metlast

lyrics:
wait til i’m finished crying
inside i’m slowly dying 
cus she left me she left me

yeah, she loved me, but not enough to live for me

i was her sunshine
she was my summer rain
she watered the drought in my heart
and made me live again
i loved the way she held me
i loved when she was with me
but i hate the way she’s gone

so wait til i’m finished crying
inside i’m slowly dying 
cus she left me she left me

yeah, she loved me, but not enough to live for me

she was all mine
she took away the pain
i filled the holes in her shoes
and she put one in her brain
it’s been over three years
but losing someone’s still a big fear
why can’t i just move on?

so wait til i’m finished crying
inside i’m slowly dying 
cus she left me she left me
yeah, she loved me, but not enough to live for me
so wait til i’m finished crying
cus i’ll love her

forever

she's_gone [prod. metlast]

Release date:
11/27/20

instrumental by kevin casas https://soundcloud.com/kevin-casas-542123511 

lyrics:
look in the mirror, think you’re better off dead
visualize putting a bullet in your head 
roll out of bed and your heart fills with dread
can’t remember the last time you cried when you bled

help! me! feels like my lungs are collapsing!
so much effort to keep breathing
so much effort to keep singing
help! me! no one to hold to, unsteady
so much effort to keep feeling 
so much effort to keep being

stand up and fall down, heart drops like lead
shake off the dizzies, look at your warm bed
wish you could lay there, hide the tears shed
can’t remember when you’d wake up without your eyes red

help! me! feels like my lungs are collapsing!
so much effort to keep breathing
so much effort to keep singing
help! me! no one to hold to, unsteady
so much effort to keep feeling 
so much effort to keep being

i have to keep going on, even though you’re gone
cus you’re waiting for me, and leaving would be wrong
we promised we could wait four years, but it seems so long
i can’t stand sitting all alone in bed writing songs

help! me! feels like my heart can’t keep beating!
so much effort to keep seeing
so much effort to stop bleeding
help! me! all on my own, cold and lonely
nobody cares about me
nobody’s left to love me

help_me (prod. kevin casas)

Release date:
12/2/20

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjWpymIm4FI "december" prod. metlast

lyrics:
our last goodnight, i saw you cry
big tears in your small eyes, but not the last time
our last goodnight, the moon full and bright
colored strobing lights, made your skin shine

nothing’s good about goodnight when it means goodbye 
i had to leave, couldn’t fight anymore
nothing’s good when you turned around
tears drip off your face and fall to the ground
i had to leave, i couldn’t let you down anymore

our last goodbye, my last good night
held you so tight, wouldn’t let you leave my side
our last goodbye, now you’re in the sky
didn’t know you’d try, to take your own life

nothing’s good about goodnight when it means goodbye 
i had to leave, couldn’t fight anymore
nothing’s good when you turned around
tears drip off your face and fall to the ground
i had to leave, i couldn’t let you down anymore

and i blame myself 
for your lack of self worth
if you wanted to leave the earth
y’could have told me first
you held so much pain
i tried to break your chains
oh my dearest rain
why’d you put that bullet in your brain?
it’s so pitiful
still singing bout you, three years ago
you left and i’m still miserable
i play the victim cus i dunno how to cope

our last goodbye, my last good night
i watched you cry for the last time

nothing’s good about goodnight when it means goodbye 
i had to leave, couldn’t fight anymore
nothing’s good when you turned around
tears drip off your face and fall to the ground
i had to leave, i couldn’t let you down anymore

no.. 
nothing’s good about goodnight when it means goodbye 
i had to leave, i couldn’t fight anymore
nothing’s good when you turned around
tears drip off your face and fall to the ground
i had to leave, you couldn’t watch me drown, anymore

goodnight/goodbye [prod. metlast]

Release date:
12/7/20

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKnce8Hi8IA “all i wanted” prod. farber 

lyrics:
all i needed was trust, 
but i couldn’t give any away
all i needed was acknowledgement, 
cus you never listen to what i say
all i needed was a break,
a chance to get away
all i needed was my voice 
to be heard for a single day

all i needed was applause
all i needed was appreciation
all i needed was a cause
all i needed was more affection
now i’m a ghost
almost forgotten
and all i needed was applause
and all i needed was more attention

to me, myself, and i (me, myself, and i)
to me, myself, and i

all i needed was hope, 
i guess i threw it all away
all i needed was to be free, 
you knew i’d never behave
all i needed was you,
but i dunno if i could be saved
all i needed was a friend, 
someone who loved me enough to tell me to stay

all i needed was applause
all i needed was appreciation
all i needed was a cause
all i needed was more affection
now i’m a ghost
almost forgotten
and all i needed was applause
and all i needed was more attention

to me, myself, and i (me, myself, and i)
to me, myself, and i

you’re all i needed
you’re all i needed
you’re all i needed
can’t you see it?

you’re all i needed
you’re all i needed
you’re all i needed
can’t you see it?

her_letter/all_i_needed (prod. farber)

Release date: 
12/10/2020

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7sjzww5ayc "LAKE" prod. shinju x krave

lyrics:
i told you how i felt, which was all i wanted to do
I don’t need you to love me, but i can’t help wanting to
wrap my arms around you and feel your heart beat with my own
but since you’ll never need me i guess i’ll be all alone

thanks for listening to me when i would try to talk 
and everyone else would speak
thanks for being there when i didn’t know who to be
thanks for not being harsh when i wanted you. to. like. me.

i want you to know you didn’t break my heart
cus i was prepared for it
i can’t trust anyone, only i can take care of it
i’ll put up my 
walls and you almost broke through

guess that’s why i liked you

i want you to know you didn’t hurt me with the words you’ve spoken
I want you to know you didn’t break my heart cus you can’t break what’s broken
you could never hurt me
yeah my heart’s still open
you can’t break my heart when aGainn it’s already broken

and i still miss the old you
the one who would like me, too
even when the new you is here to talk to
i wish you would get a fucking clue 

i’ve done everything i couLd do
you’ve done it before, just fall for me too
these feelings we have are nothing new
just love me again, the way i love you

you know you kinda hurt me with the words you spoke, oh
you couldn’t break my heart again when you already broke it
you know you kinda hurt me with the words you spoke, oh
you couldn’t break my heart again when you already broke it

brokenified (prod. shinju x krave)

Release date:
12/10/2020

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_xUYLhunhwQ "rooftops" prod. nevrfall ft st tomorrow

lyrics:
i believed you and me were exactly where we should be…

i never thought we’d be forever
i never thought i’d actually stay
i never wanna hurt you
so this is hard to say
i care for you and love you
but i don’t think in the same way
i never wanna hurt you
so maybe i should go away

it’s my fault, my fault (my fault, my fault)
all you did is love me
when i knew that we would fall
it’s my fault, my fault (my fault, my fault)
i’m sorry for saying i’d give you the world
and promising we’d have it all

--
i knew this wouldn’t work
but i like getting hurt
you’d wipe away my tears with your shirt
but i’ll treat you just like dirt
i’m happy to be your first
i knew we wouldn’t be our lasts
i know you deserve better
oh it’s all happening too fast

it’s my fault, my fault (my fault, my fault)
all you did is love me
when i knew that we would fall
it’s my fault, my fault (my fault, my fault)
i’m sorry for saying i’d give you the world
and promising we’d have it all

i never wanna hurt you
and you’re making it hard to
i never wanna hurt you
no i’ll never deserve you

i never wanna hurt you
and you’re making it hard to
i never wanna hurt you
no i’ll never deserve you

it’s my fault, my fault (my fault, my fault)
all you did is love me
when i knew that we would fall
it’s my fault, my fault (my fault, my fault)
i’m sorry for saying i’d give you the world
and promising we’d have it all

it’s my fault, my fault (my fault, my fault)
all you did is love me
when i knew that we would fall
it’s my fault, my fault (my fault, my fault)
i’m sorry for saying i’d give you the world
then making you feel so small

i wish we would’ve stopped before we started
i wish we would’ve broken up before we were left brokenhearted
i think now we’re both worse off since we departed
but i’m afraid to want you back cus i don’t want to be disregarded
at least my walls are put up again, and my heart has hardened
so you’ll never hurt me again, and i might end up wanted
you said you’d be with me, thick and then, now look where that got us?
me with a bottle in my bed, and you with your God, yeah?

i don’t believe in forever, no, it don’t really mean a thing
but i was right there, and i didn’t need a promise ring
i’ve been hurt too many times to even begin to to think 
this is real, how i feel but i was starting to believe
i believed you and me were exactly where we should be…

my_fault_my_fault (prod. nevrfall ft st tomorrow)

Release date:
12/10/20

lyrics:
you led me on, king of the con
you played me like a record, you did me wrong
you built up my hopes, cut the rope
let me believe you loved me then told me nope

indecisive little kid
you could’ve had me then, but you ran and hid
you say you’re conflicted and that we’re nothing
but you hold me so close, that’s gotta mean something

damn, you're the meanest person to me
yeah, you’re jack frost, so cold you have to be
so cold you have to be

the way you looked at me like you did nothing wrong
made me realize i’d been hanging on for too long
i cried for hours and my heart felt like lead
wanted you to witness every single tear i shed

indecisive little kid
you could’ve had me then, but you ran and hid
you say you’re conflicted and that we’re nothing
but you hold me so close, that’s gotta mean something

damn, you're the meanest person to me
yeah, you’re jack frost, so cold you have to be
(so cold you have to be) 

i wished you were there to dry my tears
i wished you were there to save me from my fears
now i wish you know that i’m gone and that we’re done
now i wish you know this wasn’t fun for anyone

indecisive little kid
you could’ve had me then, but you ran and hid
you say you’re conflicted and that we’re nothing
but you hold me so close, that’s gotta mean something

damn, you're the meanest person to me
yeah, you’re jack frost, so cold you have to be
(so cold you have to be)

this isn’t out of jealousy, not out of spite
i just wish jack frost wouldn’t rather have a polar bear than snow white
i don’t want you to play along and tell me i’m right
but i guess jack frost would rather have a polar bear than snow white

indecisive little kid
you could’ve had me then, but you ran and hid
you say you’re conflicted and that we’re nothing
but you hold me so close, that’s gotta mean something

damn, you're the meanest person to me
yeah, you’re jack frost, so cold you have to be
(jack frost, so cold you have to be)

jack_frost (prod. drake robertson)

Release date:
12/11/20

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tHwlaaNqXRw “miss you” prod. metlast

bandaid commercial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M7KdFyaW_x8 bandaid commercial 

lyrics:
(i am stuck on bandaid brand cus bandaids stuck on me)

writing about friendship while i’m crying in the classroom
crying in the classroom
i should’ve been a better friend and kept your life from ending so soon
it was too soon
honestly i tried so hard and did everything i could do
everything i could do
but when it rains it pours thinking about you
about you, bout you

i’m all fucked over and my tears are running
bite my tongue and my mouth gets bloody
a slash on my wrist for everyday without you
a cry for help waiting for you to come through

bandaids on my wrists, bandaids on my heart
bandaids keeping me from falling apart
bandaids on my elbows, bandaids on my knees
cover me in bandaids so i can heal quickly

writing about friendship while trying to heal without you
without you, out you
i wish i could have been there to stop everything hurting you
hurting you, hurting you
i always feel guilty, but life goes on, and what could i do
could i do, i do
still, when it rains it pours thinking about you
about you, bout you

i’m all fucked over and my tears are running
bite my tongue and my mouth gets bloody
a slash on my wrist for everyday without you
a cry for help waiting for you to come through

bandaids on my wrists, bandaids on my heart
bandaids keeping me from falling apart
bandaids on my elbows, bandaids on my knees
cover me in bandaids so i can heal quickly

the days aren’t easy, but the night’s the hardest part
now i need a bandaid to heal my broken heart
the days aren’t easy, but the night’s the hardest part
now i need a bandaid to heal my broken heart

cover me so i can heal quickly, so i can heal quickly
bandaids on my elbows, bandaids on my knees
cover me in bandaids so i can heal, please

bandaids [prod. metlast]

Release date:
12/14/20

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLM5LQu27dU “save me” prod. farber

lyrics:
lavender, fields of lavender
when i look in your eyes
lavender, the smell of lavender
on your shirt,  when you were mine
lavender‘s what brought us together forever 
is when the teacher asked your favorite color 
and you said lavender and i said that’s mine

and you’ve got me so fucked up i can’t see straight anymore
and you’ve got me so fucked up i can’t breathe without hurting anymore
and you’ve got me so fucked up i can’t see straight anymore
all i feel is hate, anymore

lavender, a bouquet of lavender
in your still arms
lavender, six feet under in a casket
where you forever are
i feel you looking over my shoulder
your floral love filled my heart
you should’ve grown older
now i don’t know where to start

and you’ve got me so fucked up i can’t see straight anymore
and you’ve got me so fucked up i can’t breathe without hurting anymore
and you’ve got me so fucked up i can’t see straight anymore
all i feel is hate, anymore

lavender, the fabric softener in your old laundry room
lavender, the flowers in the garden your father grew
lavender, the shirt in my closet i never gave back to you
lavender, the thing that reminds me that we’re through

lavender_bby (prod. farber)

Release date:
12/14/20

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-9uyqSpnZVI&list=TLPQMTQxMjIwMjBJqhvvG57KLQ&index=2 “i’ll be fine” prod. metlast

lyrics:
i let myself believe the lies
i wanted to be one of the guys
i wasted every one of my tries
ain’t it funny how time flies?
i know i let myself down
i was a pawn, you wear the crown
but i have to keep you around
or else i’ll be under the ground

how did we get here?
how can we go back?
i’m controlled by all my fears
and, darling, you know that
we’ve wasted all these years
i don’t wanna hold back
how did we get here?
how can we go back?

i wanna live, i wanna die
i don’t wanna make anyone else cry
the tears already in my eyes
the funny thing is i don’t know why
i don’t wanna listen to what you say
i want the world to go away
im afraid to go out and play
can i stay inside all day? no way

how did we get here?
how can we go back?
i’m controlled by all my fears
and, darling, you know that
we’ve wasted all these years
i don’t wanna hold back
how did we get here?
how can we go back home?

never alone, never alone, 
i wanna go back, go back home
never alone, never alone, 
how can we go back, go back home?

i_wanna_go_home [prod. metlast]

Release date:
12/17/20

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_MQahRfXwo “WAKE UP” prod. ERLAX

lyrics:
tell me where do i run (where do i run)
can i fly? (can i fly?)

i tell you to go, instead you stay
i go ahead and run but you never stray
you listened to my careful words filled with hurt
ever since we met, you in your brother’s old shirt

tell me where do i run, where do i hide
i guess you always knew that i was broken inside, so
tell me when did i fall, and if i can fly
can you fill the gap dividing heart and mind?

if you can’t i’ll try to survive
if you can’t i’ll pretend i’m fine
if you can’t i’ll try to survive
If you can’t say you’ll be mine

you got to know and love me and ways i can’t comprehend
you fixed me up and got my life on the mend
i know you had others, but you were my best friend
haven’t seen you since the day you said you’d see me again
it’s been so long, did you read the letters i sent?
i know we fell out, but i wanna make amends
i’ll leave you alone, if you’re fine and content
but i want back all the love i’ve lent

tell me where do i run, where do i hide
i guess you always knew that i was broken inside, so
tell me when did i fall, and if i can fly
can you fill the gap dividing heart and mind?

if you can’t i’ll try to survive
if you can’t i’ll pretend i’m fine
if you can’t i’ll try to survive
If you can’t say you’ll be mine
if you can’t i’ll try to survive
if you can’t i’ll pretend i’m fine
if you can’t i’ll try to survive
If you can’t say you’ll be mine

run (prod. ERLAX)

Release date:
12/17/20

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lqrv6zglr84 “find you” prod. farber

lyrics:
i remember how we fought
just words, empty threats of violence
i remember our arguments
and I remember all the silence

but i look at your face and
my heart’s bound to break
knowing you can have me, if you want me
but you don’t
standin’ here face to face
and i finally found my place
i could be yours, if you wanted
but you don’t

i remember your comfort and warmth
holding me when i was crying
and with every tear that escaped my eyes
you convinced me not to die 

but I look at your face and
my heart’s bound to break
knowing you can have me, if you want me
but you don’t
standin’ here face to face
and I finally found my place
i could be yours, if you wanted
but you don’t

and when we walked out the school doors
you said you wanna call me yours
but it’s far too late and i can’t take it,
should’ve said something before

cus i looked at your face
and my heart was bound to break
wanted you to have me, but you don’t want me
no, you don’t

yours (prod. farber)

Release date:
12/17/20

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N2eVPwbviiw “luminy” prod. wurlishmouk

lyrics:
la dee da dee da da da, da dum

bedtime, stuck in my own head time
my friends all think i’m dead time
bedtime, i forgot what you said time
crying cus you prolly called ten times

i don’t have charge in my phone
in my room, on my own
without you i might just die alone

bedtime, my heart full of lead time
worried cus she’s dead tonight, night night
bedtime, another tear shed time
what i most dread time

i don’t have charge in my phone
in my room, on my own
without you i might just die alone

i cried myself to sleep every night this week cus your not mine to keep
when i try to speak my voice gets weak 
and my well rehearsed words become a squeak
i cried myself to sleep every night this week cus your not mine to keep
when i try to speak my voice gets weak 
and my well rehearsed words become a squeak

i cried myself to sleep every night this week cus your not mine to keep 
(no charge in my phone)
when i try to speak my voice gets weak 
and my well rehearsed words become a squeak 
(no, no, no)
i cried myself to sleep every night this week cus your not mine to keep 
(in my room, on my own)
when i try to speak my voice gets weak 
and my well rehearsed words become a squeak 
(without you i might just die alone)

bedtime, deadtime, rest your sleepy head time

i wanna kill myself
i dont need help 
dont worry bout my health 
hate the hand ive been dealt 
others got it worse gotta keep this to myself 
put my emotions on a shelf 
thats what i do and nothing else 
nothing else 
im nothing else than what you think about me 
i dont need help

i dont need help, its bedtime

bedtime (prod. wurlishmouk)

Release date:
12/18/20

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nW59fyTKdH0 “let me die” prod. metlast

lyrics:
damn you da meanest person to me

fuck off
you hurt me before and you’ll hurt me again
i miss you, but i’m too afraid to let us be friends
i’ve run out of feelings, too tired for fake smiles
but you make my heart beat like i sprinted a mile
you say you wanna hear from me the reason i’m still mad
but act like you don’t care ‘bout me, why’d you wanna know so bad?
if you don’t want to love me then go away
you’d treat me like a throwaway, anyway

cus if you pry too much, you’re gonna make me break
and if you see me break, you’re gonna see all of this hate
and once you see this hate, it’s gonna be too late
and you don’t wanna know what happens when you open the floodgates

i’m tired of making it look like i’m less than bent
when i’m brokenified so far i don’t think i’m able to mend
i want you to know what you actually want
so i’m not just another pretty face for you to flaunt
you say you wanna be friends, and i said that’s cool
but i wanna have you next to me every day at school
if you’re gonna be mine, you’re gonna be mine forever
you’ll be stuck with me, i’m tethered

but if you pry too much, you’re gonna make me break
and if you see me break, you’re gonna see all of this hate
and once you see this hate, it’s gonna be too late
and you don’t wanna know what happens when you open the floodgates

and i want to hurt you so you know how much you hurt me
and how you and everyone else knew about that before me
and i want to hurt you so you know how much you hurt me
and i wanna hurt you, hurt you

and i want to hurt you so you know how much you hurt me
and how you and everyone else knew about that before me
and i want to hurt you so you know how much you hurt me
and i wanna hurt you, hurt you

cus if you pry too much, you’re gonna make me break
and if you see me break, you’re gonna see all of this hate
and once you see this hate, it’s gonna be too late
and you don’t wanna know what happens when you open the floodgates

cus if you pry too much, you’re gonna make me break
and if you see me break, you’re gonna see all of this hate
and once you see this hate, it’s gonna be too late
and you don’t wanna know what happens, what happens is-

i would’ve stayed right there, never leave you behind
but then you pull this shit, make me wonder why
you do this, if only i could read your mind
tell me what you’re thinking, you don't have to lie
you’re so difficult, make me wanna end my life
you’re so difficult, i dunno why i try
these lonely nights i spend in my room and cry
just cus you wont give me a second try

cus if you pry too much, you’re gonna make me break
and if you see me break, you’re gonna see all of this hate
and you’re gonna watch what happens cus you destroyed the restraints
and you’re gonna watch what happens when you open the floodgates

floodgates [prod. metlast]

Release date:
12/18/20

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7nxbwNvsCk “conversations” prod. metlast

lyrics:
i got your picture, our pictures, in my picture frame
and if i saw you again it wouldn’t feel the same
but i’ve got these pictures, our pictures, in my picture frame
and i’d rather have you but i couldn’t stand the pain

pictures from the last day of 5th grade 
the difference from now and then is like night and day
i’ve cut my hair and changed my name
and you’ve cut me out of your life and burned me in a flame
i sent you the old photos of us, on the bus, to pretend it’s the same
but you shattered the glass, i guess i’m to blame
when i think about you all i feel is regret and shame
and remember the names you called me, petty and lame
i should be over this, it’s five years too late
but those pictures of us, in my mind, they’re engraved
we tore us apart, now it’s me you hate
or don’t think about, i wish i could relate

one day you said you’d never need me
crushed my glass heart to millions, yet freed me
i didn’t know not helping you could help me
i’m sorry that wanting your love is ‘needy’
i know every song i’ve written about you is so fucking cheesy
but i wrote them so i’d be noticed, hence ‘notice_me’
i just wanted you by my side, never ever leave
but you’re gone now, and have been since i admitted my impiety
why’d you lie to me?

you were by my side me for years, but i cried too many tears for you
you were always on my mind, but i woulda been just fine without you
i worried so much and then we lost touch again 
wasted too much time wishin that we could've been more than friends

i trusted you
but you locked me out when i let you in
you were my best friend
but something shiny caught your eye 
and you left me in the end
i really thought you were my true love
but you were just another fake friend

if i saw you again it wouldn’t feel the same
and i’d rather have you but i couldn’t stand the pain
like acid coursing through my veins

i got your picture, our pictures, in my picture frame
and if i saw you again it wouldn’t feel the same
but i’ve got these pictures, our pictures, in my picture frame
and i’d rather have you but i couldn’t stand the pain, the pain

acid_veins [prod. metlast]

Release date:
12/22/20

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PZawxhRaf4 “protect me” prod. wurlishmouk

lyrics:
la dee da dee da da
la dee da dee da i wanna be gone
la dee da dee da fuck this song, fuck this song
la dee da dee da she’s long gone

don’t feel bad
it’s all your fault, not mine
i’m just hurting
but i’ll say i’m fine
we were wallflowers 
and we helped each other grow
i told her i loved her, 
i really hope she knows

i shouldn’t get mad
it’s all her fault, not mine
you put words in my mouth
and pretend i don’t know why
you don’t like me feelin
cus you don’t know what to do
but all your lies 
got me feeling so blue 

and i don’t know why, and i don’t know why we die
and i don’t think that, and i don’t think that anyone does
and i don’t know why, and i don’t know why we lie
and i don’t think that, and i don’t think that we should

she was right, i was wrong, and i shoulda knew it all along
she was brave, she was strong, i’m breaking tryna move on
and i can’t blame her for her life being difficult 
but she told me “terrible is typical”
and “in the end, when i see you again
both of our lives will be easier”

she was too young, i was too dumb, us both broke as they come
she loved, lived, and laughed, now it’s all in the past
and i know that it’s rough 
but she told me “life will be tough”
and “in the end, when i see you again
both of our lives will be easier”

but it’s so selfish to me
to even fucking think
of never feeling a thing and
i never wanted her to feel
like she was nothing without me
why the fuck must we all be

please don’t tell me not to scream
or tell me not to cry
i don’t give a fuck, i wanna know why
you know that i’m hurting, you know i’m not fine
if you don’t wanna know then leave me here to die
this shit’s not a game, you think it’s funny when i cry?
then leave me on the floor without a goodbye
you do it anyway, like im a cold fry
in the bottom of the bag, remember when you thought i was fly

i don’t know why we die
and i don’t know why we lie
and i don’t know why i cry
please tell me why
please, please tell me why

‘just move on’
but i’m stuck like glue
‘she’s long gone’
it feels like you are too
it feels like you are too
fuck you, mhm

easier (prod. wurlishmouk)

Release date:
12/23/20

instrumental: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rUj6GKLr2Qc “suffering” prod. farber

lyrics:
just learning to like me
it was you that fell it shoulda been me

be still my beating heart, be still my beating heart
you know it’s ‘true love’ that tears you apart so
be still my beating heart, be still my beating heart
you know it still hurts years after death did us part

i lost you to your anger and sadness
but you were where i found my gladness
you lost yourself in wonderland
you made it perfect but now my life is all madness
now your heart is stopped like mine
when your sister sent that letter to me and said you died
she was only nine
do you know how that made me feel
better yet, do you care?
you know life is hard, you said it yourself it’s never fair
yeah it’s hard to put it into words
the tears in my eyes got my vision all blurred
i guess that shit happens when your love ends their life
hidden in my dresser, i still have your favorite knife
i can’t hold you no more but i can’t let you go
i’ll just turn away and pretend to check my phone
dearest, i’m sorry i left you all alone
should’ve been your support instead of breaking all your bones
took your little vacation: february ‘17
visiting a little place that’s right in between 
the lines of heaven and hell cus 
“no one wants nor needs me”
man in a box, down in a hole
you always said your death would be so rock and roll
but without you my life’s spiraled out of control
and my heart’s hardened and black as coal

be still my beating heart, be still my beating heart
you know it’s ‘true love’ that tears you apart so
be still my beating heart, and think with your head
so you won’t lay awake when you should be asleep in your bed

but it’s 3 in the morning and i’m missing you
my maddening mania is driving my mind insane without you
my brain’s on overdrive and i can still taste you
i can’t sleep knowing you’re forever sleeping too
i wanted die a day before you so i won’t spend another second without your love
but you ruined those plans before i could’ve you tell you them, i miss before you “was”
i wish you would come back in person instead of watching me over my shoulder
when i feel your presence, baby, now you feel so much colder

i was tryna hold you and tryna save me
i don’t wanna let go, but my hands are slipping
i was tryna love you, just learning to like me
but it was you that fell, it shoulda been me
remember when i asked how you been lately
and if you were good, all you said was maybe
i shoulda known, instead i made you hate me
or just not care, but i still care, my raini
i don’t think there’s anything left to say
i’ve poured my heart out but you won’t come out your grave
i shoulda been the one to tell you to stay
dunno if you’d even listen, anyway

no one no one no one needs me
it was you that fell, it shoulda been me
no one no one no one needs me
come on baby please, return to me
no one no one no one needs me
let me wake up like this all a bad dream
no one no one no one needs me
please come back and end my suffering

suffering (prod. farber)

most of this is old and i'm not really proud of it but it's whatever
love y'all
-lith 6/26/21

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