when you need something other words...

lyrics
--------
please don't go
i've been swaying to & fro
i've been waiting all alone
in the dark without your glow
so please don't go
i'm afraid you'll never show
i'll abandon all i know
if it keeps us both afloat
  
the worst part
being a misfit
is that you misfit
amongst the misfits
unless you try your
hardest to fit in
what is the mission
what are you missing
i hate the distance
between my heart and my home
it feels like every place i've roamed has left me feeling alone
i think a lot about the ways that i could leave but i don't
cause i've got lots to fucking say in all these things that i wrote
i pass the blunt to my bro
he's sick of feeling the same
we put another in rotation just to ease all our pain
it's evident that our intent is reinventing our names
a break is needed when you grieving off what's lost in the flames
and i've got lots of fucking reasons to cement what i say
you pay a penny for my thoughts a couple more for the train
we heading north up to new york i'll talk to you the whole way
we'll trade some music for some memories that pass through the day
so please don't go
please don't go

the pines

lyrics
--------
so take all that stress
decompress it & hang it up right at the door
feeling like this isn't fun anymore
not that it ever was
but lately everyone's 
misunderstanding what's really import
tantalizing sights & feelings ignored
paths to get over it never explored
overgrown nothingness
stemmed from destruction
it's deeply embedded beneath all my subsidence

goodness gracious
i'm so cold
my body's filled with brittle bones
they'll break and bend as i grow old
i hope your hand is mine to hold
goodness gracious
i'm alone
broken my sticks & thrown my stones
i'll go somewhere where no one knows me
i don't mind being this lonely  

so maybe it's grim
but i'll spill on a whim about all that i think
my thoughts subside till i'm pushed to the brink
miscalculated
so often equated
to shit so insane i think i need a shrink
traumatized by flies that hatch in my head
metamorphosis ensued till i'm dead
it's funny how they can grow
little do they all know
their home is rotting & damn near condemned

dissociation 
deserting my patience
i don't think i'll wake up & realize
that feeling this vacant
no communication
is simply leaving me terrorized
i see all these faces
inside of the places
that only exist when i close my eyes
so if this is a phase 
that is bound to erase
then i guess that i ought to just give it time
 
goodness gracious
i'm so cold
my body's filled with brittle bones
they'll break and bend as i grow old
i hope your hand is mine to hold
goodness gracious
i'm alone
broken my sticks & thrown my stones
i'll go somewhere where no one knows me
i don't mind being this lonely  

all i ever will be
is someone that'll kill me 
a parasitic head fuck
monotonous & willing
all i ever wished for
is sanity by twenty four
but i never got that
i never got that

all i ever will be

lyrics
--------
i am quickly realizing
all the problems that i'm facing
all exist inside this hatred
for myself my thoughts are racing
is there anybody out there
feeling dim, dark & depleting
what is safe cause all i fear is near
& death i'll soon be greeting
i truly wish the flickering would stop
& i could catch my breath
but this films left on repeat again
somehow you soon forget 
you've damn near downed your second bottle
drunken words in full effect
these sober thoughts have always lived here
driving by until they wreck

i'm fucking numb
(yeah)
you don't know a thing about the terror that i breathe into my lungs
and i don't know a thing about myself other than what is soon to come

i think the sky is falling
but it's my imagination
overcasting on & off again
to form a new foundation
hopefully i reconstruct myself
it might take quite a while
obsolete upon comparison
these scars all stretch for miles
i'll never find the person i was then
he's buried deep below
subterranean inhabitant
i hope he likes the snow
did the soul inside his body
ever find his way back home
am i talking in third person
yeah i guess we'll never know

i'm fucking numb
(yeah)
you don't know a thing about the terror that i breathe into my lungs
and i don't know a thing about myself other than what is soon to come

dim, dark, depleting

lyrics
--------
lost boy hoping i find my way home
lost sight of why i'm here & where the fuck i should go
one hundred twenty miles from my area code
spilt whiskey on my shirt inside this evergreen home
might tumble down & fall beneath the thick of the mist
a silhouette sat in the distance comes & swings with a miss
i climb trees just to save myself from what could've been
& hide high upon this mountain with a pad & a pen

the drifter lives down the road
& if he follows me home
then i'll pack everything & leave till i know
that i am safe beside my company although he's below
& then he'll gut me like a pig & leave my bones to the crows
& this time i've convinced myself that i'm gonna die
oh i don't think that it's alright but i'll just pray to the sky
i'll find a god in what i sing & sing it every night
and maybe time will tell my story i won't put up a fight

cause fear leads me towards destruction
crippled unable to function
full of unwanted assumptions
petrified by my consumptions
used to hide along the meadow
and now i practice my falsetto
i've been like this from the get-go
i don't ever wanna let go

the walls we build hide all the bodies
of everyone who lives inside me

the drifter

modern baseball - i think you were in my profile picture once cover

self-produced

when i'm gone...

thanks to @spacegirlgemmy for suggesting i drop this as a single

luh u

remember me

modern baseball - re-done cover

FEATURING @BARRENWASTE
PRODUCED BY @KILLEDMYSELF

...and the days will continue coming (feat. barren) (prod. killedmyself)

...and the days will continue coming

this is an album about the fears and tremors that come with love, and the crisis of not knowing your own identity as yours.

enjoy.

fog & obscure

download

i'm sorry for everything

@aimless-beats

hey, everyone is someone at least a little bit different online
don't be scared to be honest, okay?
love you
<3

LYRICS:
we all got internet personas
internet personas we hide behind
we hide behind

we all got demons deep inside us
demons deep inside us we try to hide
we try to hide

i forgot who it is i truly am long ago
but i'll keep searching for it while i can

i knew a boy who could outline a shape in a second
that's display was eclectic in a way that was second to none
he had a hand than swam like fish in the seas
and a penstroke that'd bring any critic to his knees
it was beautiful, flowing like the blood inside my artieries
he painted hearts as targets and was practicing his archery
mastering the artistry he carried in his chest
until at best it was a godsend, and worst, it was a part of me
'til suddenly... things began to seem different
moods dissipated into blue and grey pigments
but surface-wise his screen names were never inefficient
as a method to communicate that happiness was with him
so a couple thousand people saw a perfectly inoccuous complexion
while i was tryna talk him through depression
the lesson to be learned is that your heros aren't invincible
just normal folks who often need expression, so pause and leave a message...

if you want; they'd probably appreciate it...

...internet personas
internet personas we hide behind
we hide behind

we all got demons deep inside us
demons deep inside that we try to hide
we try to hide

i forgot who it is i truly am long ago
but i'll keep searching for it while i can

i knew a person who could cultivate the words that they aligned
in a way that could coerce a train to fly
a perfect state of mind in which to learn creative rhymes
until their person was emburdened by the verses they designed
and they began to lose their touch...
the little quirks in all their writing became terse and uninviting
and ingesting any lettering they surgeoned into life
instead of being entertainment was inert and just absurd and all the work was fucking tiring
and suddenly... they were writing less and less
in spite of their success they saw no light and second guessed
the creativity they harbored in their heart
there's only so much fucking artwork you can make 'til you forget the way to start
so a couple million people saw some dipping in the frequency
of music while they fought idiosyncracy
that slept as mental illness... and woke as some peculiar train of thought
that masqueraded as a symptom of a hindering deliquency

i hope that all these words have made you think of me

internet personas, internet personas
we all got internet personas, internet personas (x7)

internet personas (prod. aimlessbeats)

internet personas (prod. aimless)

with @nevermending

lyrics:

fading out
i can't see

something is breaking me
taking my faith and replacing it slowly
with what i don't know as my own
please point me back to my home

'cause i'm so trapped
in this god damn house

and i should be grateful
and swallow my pride
but i can't seem to stop all the longing inside
for whatever it is that i found when i left for you

your hand finds mine
and then we shall shine 

but i might not be
there for you this time

sorry to be
the bearer of bad news
but i can't do this 
you've got me blue

parking garage sesh

download <3

trapped

you're probably having the same conversations with your friends 
that i always have with mine 

about how i'm too hung up and how i need to just get over it 
but these kinds of wounds can only heal with time 

so let me know if ever there is anything that i can do 
to help you out or make you feel alright 

'cause i still think about you often, i still wonder how you're doing
i still fear that you'll let this world dim your light 

i'm sorry for it all

sorry

uhhh yeah @mt_fujitive

lyrics:
it's that awkward diva essence, chronically depressive
stop and leave a message or just talk to me a second
with that java bean aesthetic (grinding), probably dyslexic
if you got me mixed up with all these drama queens

i don't wanna hear that... you can keep that shit at home
rapping in my bedroom... guess i did this shit alone
often too alone, but all these tinder boys are pretty gross
so 'less you tryna go and grab some coffee, please don't hit my phone

lately, that's the only type i've fallen for
frail, tall-ish, nail polish, yeah, i've said it all before
used to grab my daily arizona from the dollar store
and kick it with the homies who don't rly like to call no more

yeah... but i don't call 'em either so it's my fault
slammed my cell receiver on the sidewalk
handle full of ether 'til my mind's gone
you don't need a feature, this is my song

you don't need a feature, this is my song
homie, you don't need a feature, this is...
well, you don't need a feature, this is my song
this is my song... and this

that awkward diva essence, chronically depressive
stop and leave a message or just talk to me a second
with that java bean aesthetic (grinding), probably dyslexic
if you got me mixed up with all these drama queens
(x2)

(pathetic)

my song (prod. mt. fujitive)

produced by @jhfly
mixed by @halberd-3000

lyrics:

you know it's they/them, as in me and most of mine
some identical identity, i keep 'em close beside
open old wounds just enough to bleed out older lines
'til there's no truths left, and i concede to close my eyes

and even though the sleet and snow are peeking through the blinds
i still meet them on my morning walk, sheepishly surprised
used to think this skittish brain might need to be inside
'til neurosis was a locksmith with a key to where i hide

now i keep ice on me, that shit froze
not like diamonds, though--it's april and we still been gettin' snow
but me and all my friends are 'bouta hit the road
not for tour, tho, i really just enjoyed it when we drove, 'cause

you're way less likely to get stared at
by an old white man in a moving car
and yes, i see that really neat flag on your window
are you quite aware that you guys lost the war?

and, yes, i did use the gender neutral bathroom
what is your concern with what i've got going on?
you can fight me in this walmart if you want to
but when you get your ass beat, don't pull out your AR

yes, my fucking nails are painted! what, you think i didn't know?
yes, i wore a skirt today! what's with all the rigmarole?
yes, i've got some makeup on, and yes, bitch, i look beautiful
so 'fore you ask another question, you can get to getting ghost

flowers ep

they/them (prod. jhfly)

produced by @mt_fujitive

lyrics:

life has got me feeling discombobulated, in place of common phrases
all i say are awkward statements in every conversation
often sitting cautious, pacing, dropping frames in talks with strangers
making observations, in that awful cadence
i've been rather quiet since a sophomore
every time my voice comes out my mouth, it sounds like nails on a chalkboard
saving pieces shattered as my age increases faster
i can make my thesis matter if i learn to fuckin' talk more

but that's just an inkling, small talk is always shrinking
and this ship will always sink until we fill in all the gaps
i've made some dumb decisions and evaded inhibitions
digging graves for my ambitions just to make it on the map
which seems ironic at present, given my title
periodically stepping through this recital
i've practiced a thousand times, messaging with my idols
and definitely sounding like a dumbass when i try tho

i treat a soundcloud page like a diary
and push away all the people who inspire me--sorry
so afraid of the person i should try to be
and it seems, by now, they should kinda be sorry

discombobulated (prod. mt. fujitive)

hey cool song coming for 100k
here's a thing i made this morning
also i'm on hiatus

@beet_farmer

lyrics:
wake up, take my morning walk, and pass out on the porch again
shatter under pressure, pilot corpses made of porcelain
terrified of questions, 'specially "lesser than..." or "more than friends?"
i panic over people like a swimmer to a dorsal fin

i'm out my element in every single element
bad with conversations, speak in nervous stares and mellow shifts in tone
in every room i occupy, i play the elephant
and glance at clocks to tick away the moments 'til farewell and dip

if anxious was a role one could fill upon a credits list
i'd grab an oscar every other time i left my bed a bit
performing well enough to leave my colleagues in a deficit
the academy awards would be incredulous

i'm often opulent in time alone, purveyor of the faux pas
horrible at family festivities, silent, phone on
i wander to the dinner table, fumble to the coleslaw
and wish i was at home so i could doze off

morning walk (prod. dweeb)

constantly reminded of my past self's dumb mistakes
wishing i could go back in time

dreaming on repeat, climbing up the staircase
stepping into open air

nicotine for dinner, you ask if i've lost weight
the truth is that i didn't mean to

panic in the bathroom, 'cause the person in my mirror
is a foggy recollection of me

but i have to be okay
you say there's just too much at stake
and i'd throw it all away
if i said goodbye today

i have to be okay

an ode to escapism

lyrics:
when the dialogue
makes you think you're gonna die soon
i don't listen for the dial tone
i just lay alone and cry

'cause there are such sad songs on the radio
and all my old friends are laying low
trying not to be the people they're afraid of
don't you know?

and the centerpiece
is a little bit of everything
this cacophony is deafening
but no one else can seem to hear

when there are such sad songs on your stereo
and all your old friends don't care at all
trying not to fall apart
they can't take it anymore

when the morning comes
and everything is still amiss
you turn your tv on
and then regret it while you sit

'cause there are such sad stories on the morning news
and every death toll takes more from you
there's an armed gunman in the store with you
it seems, oh, it seems

so you go back to bed
and pretend it's all a dream
if you convince yourself
it's only numbers on a screen

then all the fucked up things that keep happening
will feel much less real than they have to be
much less real than they
actually are

such sad songs

hi sorry this is really sad

get drunk to forget that i could jump
sober up and wanna do it twice as much
drink more, but it’s never quite enough
think morbid thoughts to feel more stuck

pass out in the morning when the light
floods over the empty void of night
and this sickness i can't fight
will constantly ruin my life

'til i pass out
on the floor again
and feel the air under my feet
i’m always falling in my dreams
but they aren’t nightmares
i think they’re omens
of what’s coming for me
i see demons in my sleep
then i wake up

get high to forget how much it hurts
come down, just to end up feeling worse
six years of therapy reversed
by every line in every verse

used to write poems just to cope
so ironic, now the rope
around my neck’s entwined
with every letter, every line

my writing
is getting better
but i’m certainly not
put me in the ground to rot
and don’t remember
please forget me
‘cause every memory you keep
will be more pain on you from me
than i can take

sickness (8th floor blues)

anxiety

a̶r̶t̶ ̶f̶o̶r̶ ̶y̶o̶ ̶s̶o̶u̶l̶ ̶l̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶<̶3̶

when you need something other words...

Mattari