I wrote this piece a few days after having the mother of all panic attacks. Anxiety sucks but talking about it, satirizing it, is therapeutic for me.

PANIC REPORT: 2016


OUR DAILY PANIC REPORT IS SPONSORED IN PART BY THE KOCH FAMILY – CORRUPTING AMERICAN CAPITALISM FOR MORE THAN 100 YEARS:

ASTOUNDINGLY, THERE ARE ZERO PANIC ATTACKS TO REPORT TODAY, WITH ONE THOUSAND FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY NEAR PANIC ATTACKS BEING CLAIMED SO FAR THIS YEAR. THOUGH ECONOMISTS ARE SKEPTICAL. 

PANIC MARKETS HAVE SEEN A MASSIVE SURGE IN RECENT MONTHS, APPROACHING RATES SIMILAR TO THOSE WE EXPERIENCED LAST YEAR WHILE PRODUCING RECORD-BREAKING PANIC MARKET HIGHS. INVESTORS ARE HOPEFUL!

NOW FOR OUR MOURNING TRAFFIC REPORT, BROUGHT TO YOU BY MISS APATHY’S GOLDEN BEE HONEY – “BEE ALIVE WHILE YOU CAN BEE”:

[COUGH]

THE FREEWAYS, INTERSECTIONS, & UNDERPASSES ARE ALL CLOGGED, AS USUAL, BY & WITH MANS’ GENERAL DISCONTENT & IT’S A NASTY JAM OUT THERE FOLKS. DO DRIVE WITH CAUTION. 

REGARDING TRAFFIC INCIDENTS, AMERICANS EXPERIENCED SIXTY SIX THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED & THIRTY THREE SCREECHING HALTS THIS WEEK. BUT ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, THERE ARE NO DEATHS TO REPORT! EXCUSE ME, THAT’S, UH, NO REPORTABLE DEATHS. 

[COUGH AGAIN]

MEANWHILE, IN NATIONAL NEWS, THE APPROPRIATED PRESS IS ELATED TO ANNOUNCE A DECREASE IN THE DECREASING OF AVERAGE DAILY VETERAN SUICIDES. 

PAY INEQUALITY IS STILL THRIVING & CULTURAL APPROPRIATION HAS KNOWN HUGE BOOMS IN RECENT MONTHS. 

WELL, THAT’S IT FOR ME AMERICA! THANK YOU FOR NOT SUPPORTING LOCAL RADIO. WE ARE WNSA.

NOW HERE’S SENATOR WHATSHISNAME WITH THE “WHETHER IT’S WEATHER” FORECAST:

SENATOR?


PANIC REPORT 2016

Melinda Might