Metamoksha - Sound Journal. (Personal mixes and original poetries.)

the ritual of pre-surgery leading up to post-surgery felt like the process of going through labor and giving birth- watching the creature come out of me as it slowly consumes my body to make room for itself.

Unlike snakes that require only themselves to shed their skin to get to their next stage of metamorphosis, the process of 'rebirthing' ourselves requires external tools n technology humans have created- the doctors & their scalpels, the monitors and tubes attached to my body, the stitches stitched on my open wound. I don't see them as separate from my skin and bones. 

The universe manifesting itself to bring me to this moment with the resources, community, and professionals to morph my vessel to the next stage of my metamorphosis are an extension of myself, just as my skin is.

The human species at this stage are pretty much in the early stages of cyborgism

giving birth to myself as i watch it consume my body

the void from the love that was never given to a child. 
the love you said was given but i never once felt. 
now my body wanders around with a hole that could never be patched. 
an endless void, drifting like a ghost in an empty shell. 

there is no need for amends, it is too late now. 
your absence has consumed and killed a spark in me 
that could never be lit up again.

happy full moon in cancer <3

Track ID
1. Metaraph, TSA Records - Meditative Fury
2. Cøunts, XCS - Druckzone
3. Need to die and restart
4. FLUCC - Light
5. DJ Disrespect- Deep Encounter
6. Yelzin - Basic Instinct
7. Trauma 初始厄运
8. Disruption - Extraction of Heart (Trudge Remix)
9. Evanescence - Bring me to Life (Hush & Sleep Edit)
10. Indira Paganotto - Angara Bebesi
11. Mumdance - Don't Get Lemon (feat. Spyro) 
12. true story imagined
13. Dee Traits - Undertaker
14. Rorganic - Toxic Relathion Ship
15. Meuko! Meuko! - 眾神廟 The Temple
16. c0ca - octist
17. Mozart Lacrimosa Techno
18. kilo - maybe we could

the love that was given but could not be felt

I laid bare before you,
With a penknife, I begin,
Peeling layers and layers of my skin;
Offering you all that is left of me,
Until I perish,
No longer seeing.

Yet your name and touch lingers,
I remain forever tainted,
never sacred.

Track IDs:
1. Yamashiro Shoji - Mutation (Akira, 1988)
2. Raja Kirik - Rampokan II
3. C4AT - Apart Allegory
4. Slikback - VOIDOUT
5. Knut Vandekerkhove - when I grow up
6. Witch Club Satan - Blod (Hedo Hydr8 Remix)
7. 7777 の天使 - Bruised Grills Eternal Tears (Otro's Eulogy Mix)
8. Don't Tell Me Cuz It Hurts (No Doubt rmx innit)
9. TEYA LOGOS - FUCK THE WEST (KLUB ANTHEM FOR THE WRETCHED OF THE EARTH) 
10. Kilbourne - Evnika
11. LA RAGE - KENY ARKANA REMIX
12. Hyph11e - Black Pepper 炎 [Tzusing Remix]
13. KETUT - L'ASSAUT
14. PREMIERE_ L Ʌ V Σ N - Aries Angel
15. KRAMPF - Sorry
16. Kapersky & Evil Grimace - Meilleurs Vœux
17. Lana del Rey x Plexos - Salvatore (Hundred Tauro Mashup Hardcore)
18. Know V.A. - Purity
19. Nelly Furtado x Billx & Dr. Peacock - All Good Things (Hundred Tauro Mashup Hardcore)
20. Lana Del Rey - Blue Jeans (Alpines Remix)

mix august

forever tainted, never sacred.

my late Capricorn Birthday mix. enjoy. 

As usual, for those who familiar w my work, stuffs i upload on my own soundcloud is my journal in soundscape forms. was stuck but have been accumulating d tension n longings in my body to marinate this since December. 

Also collaborated with 2 of my favorite Capricorn artists/friends/baddies to write poetry on desire and longing. They whipped out these out within 2 days last jan lol. happy belated bday to us.. 

---------------------
[XUE]
you are,
an impossible place,

so
why do I
overstay?
                   repeating, repeating

I’ll keep to myself now,

                   repenting, repenting

my stupid desire, 
is only safe with me
---------------------------------------------------
[Rosy Timah]

ghosts of fingertips linger on my skin
like an old friend
tempat keras
haunted in hard edges of soft ligaments that have been stretched too thin that they are translucent, glistening in the right spots when the light hits them

hantu berkias dalam minda, ghaib aku gapai 

when the light glisten in the right spots, when it gets hit, when memories floats like dust, when it thickens, when wiped, when it settles again quietly after the brutal disturbance, when it builds again, when fingertips become ghosts, when ghosts brutally disturbs what was thought to be settled, when keras is not kaku because no, it is quiet, it lurks, it lingers but never stiffens into silence, when it is always there. when you are always there, even when you are not there.  

when i thought this was prophetic, when i thought ghosts were the ghosts of my yesteryears, when i thought it was over. 

ligaments melt into bones and all i could feel was the give, the giving with no security, kneecaps floating like dust, when caps became my ghosts, when you know my fingertips linger on my ghosts on you, when our bodies exists between bodies knocking into each other, never touching but always there, very aware of distance, very conscious to never make more ghosts because we both want this haunting to be over, or at least you do while i still want my fingertips on these ghosts.

what then? if not ever, then what then?

birthday mix

cruel devotion

Jessie Ware - The Kill X Kilbourne - Evnika.

"You tell me I should run but then you tell me you need me
A lot of places to hide so there's no way you can see me
I wanna swallow my pride but I choke on my own words
You wanna show me your love but forget how to reach me"

reposting my fav capricorn yearning poem from zeha/rosy timah:

"when the light glisten in the right spots, when it gets hit, when memories floats like dust, when it thickens, when wiped, when it settles again quietly after the brutal disturbance, when it builds again, when fingertips become ghosts, when ghosts brutally disturbs what was thought to be settled, when keras is not kaku because no, it is quiet, it lurks, it lingers but never stiffens into silence, when it is always there. when you are always there, even when you are not there.  

when i thought this was prophetic, when i thought ghosts were the ghosts of my yesteryears, when i thought it was over. 

ligaments melt into bones and all i could feel was the give, the giving with no security, kneecaps floating like dust, when caps became my ghosts, when you know my fingertips linger on my ghosts on you, when our bodies exists between bodies knocking into each other, never touching but always there, very aware of distance, very conscious to never make more ghosts because we both want this haunting to be over, or at least you do while i still want my fingertips on these ghosts.

what then? if not ever, then what then?"

Unknown Album

brutal remnants of you  (The Kill x Evnika)

In recollection of the beautiful memories of us, if they were ever real.

Last night, 
as I was half-asleep, 
You slipped into the bed beside me. 
I watched you as you pierced my skin slowly with a pen knife, 
Though it was my body you were hurting,     
It was your pain I felt weighed upon me.


Your smile radiated softly in the dim light— 	
It’s been so long since I’ve seen you smile, 							So soft and sincere, 	   		
The most beautiful being I’ve ever known.
 		Only I know.  

My vision blurred; 	
	I would give all of me to you.  		
		“Do you know what love is?” you asked. 
“I’m not sure,” I whispered, drifting into unconsciousness.
  								
					       Is this what love is? 
		There are things I have yet to understand, 			
Embedded deep inside me,  		 
Consuming me,
Eating me alive,  			
Things I think I can only uncover  		
under the warmth of your midnight prayers.

Track IDs:
1. Ayako Mori - Ghost In The Shell (Remix)
2. Lana Del Rey - My Bedroom Is A Sacred Place Now There Are Children At The Foot Of My Bed
3. Movod - Angels Glow (Premiere) [Magdalenas Apathy]
4. trillosta - Endless Desire
5. Rorganic - I Take Possession Of You [Rorganic]
6. Rempit G0dDde$$- OPULENCE
7. EDBOY - What You Gonna Do
8. Evita Manji - 44th Cloud Lavender
9.  Rempit G0dDde$$ - A Hunger For Hope
10. Oklou - Loaded
11. Keoki dancing with stranger
12. BIOME - Posession
13. Unknown Artist - Trauma 初始厄运
14. Tzusing - Shame (Slikback Remix)
15. Know V.A. - Purity
16. BANKS - Contaminated
17. Hyph11e - Speak To Me 呓语 (feat. Sharon Stewart)
18. Kiirm - Skulpt
19. Nelly Furtado - You Could Mean Everything To Me
20 Rempit G0dDde$$ - Devoted To Your Pain
21. Rihanna - where have you been
22.Unknown Artist - Dreamcutter
23.Blazy Green - Harvest Moon (feat. Kevin Brauer) [Extended]
24. HDMIRROR - Not Gonna Get Us 2
25. Joe Goddard - Music Is The Answer (Hot Since 82 Remix)
26. Hart Grilae - Pixies Garden
27. Acid Pauli - Nana
28. Mobile Girl - Forever (Dirty K edit)
29. Dido - Here with me

under your influence.

Lethal Fantasies by Bussy Temple & ALIGN.ONLINE w/  Metamoksha - 14/01/2025

Happy venus in retrograde. I have not been well these days and i needed to let this mix out, a special one in 100-130 BPM from my recent very personal playlist. As usual, accompanied by poetry i wrote in psychosis.

the serpent watches from afar. 
i think i've known him before.  

we return to this cycle again,
in every permutation of our reincarnations, 
never meant to be, 
but always finding each other.  

please forgive me this time. 
 
i am sorry. 

i am sorry. 

i am sorry.

come closer. 
witness me as i slit myself open.  
do you hear them? 
my heart pulsating weakly under your presence    

now place your hands upon mine,
pierce deep into my flesh.
harder. 
help me shatter my bones.
let them splinter beneath your grasp.
The screams we have cried for this entanglement to end 

Come closer.
place your tongue on my wounds— 
do you taste the warmth of my blood whimpering beneath your touch?
Witness as our blood curses every soil it meets  
do you see now what has become of us?  

allow me to be a sacrifice for you. 
let the cycle of doing and undoing each other end. 
let me be free of you. 
and let you be free of me.  

let me bear the pain i have caused you. 
let me bear the weight of all the hands that have touched your fate. 
let me return, again and again, to hold it all for you.  

allow me to carry your sorrow, 
your wounds, 
the quiet ache left in the spaces between us. 
give them all to me.  

let me wear your curse across every lifetime, 
until time unspools 
and you are light again. 
until I am light again.
until we are light again. 

Track IDs:
Evita Manji & Oliver Torr – RealityShadows
Malesa – Brujas
Jan Loup – Shanti
Rempit G0dDeS$ - BLEED ft. Viktoria (Master 24_48)
Burial – Streetlands (Remix)
Stasya – Transparent
Rempit G0dDeS$  – A Hunger for Hope (Unreleased)
J Sliwa – Rage Quit
KELZ / Kelela x Koifin x Unearth – ABERRATION 
DJ CORPMANE – DOG FEAR
In My Talons – Can't Sleep Without You
LYZZA – Prosecco Girl
Mike Midnight – Secretlifeoflust
Oklou – LOADED
Séverine – All The Power She Corrupts
Escha Ytem – Norfolk Pertex Aquarium
Cute Door – Drool
Ytem – Levia
Sevdaliza – High Alone

cursed entanglements

Capturing and exploring what the subconscious couldn't express in my decaying vessel.