In August 2019, a close friend of mine passed away from an overdose. This song is a portrait of the grief I and those close to her experienced in the aftermath. Rest in Peace Antonia, it would've been your 22nd tomorrow (4/23). We miss you, and we won't forget you and your strength in the face of adversity.

Updated October 2021

Lyrics

She was alive, 
She was loved, she was alive. 
It's not right, she was alive
Help me dye my hair, cause she was alive
She was alive, alive

Hold on my friend you weren't supposed to leave yet
Cause you had so much more to live for
And so much to give, an absence of forgiveness
From those of us that you had adored
And how could I expect to outlive you
Even if you didn't make it to twenty-two
What the hell are we supposed to do
(What the hell am I supposed to do / You did whatever you wanted to)

Of all my old sins that you forgave
You helped me believe I was worthy of being saved
But then I paved a distance from your new path
Creating space and time to lose track

The wicked traps placed, illness you succumb
I wished to document how far we had come
Wasted saturday night. in the morning you're gone
Now I'm required to sing this song

(Theres not enough narcan left inside. I will pay for leaving you behind)

I should've found you in the night
I had no idea where you were when you lost your life
These words should not exist
You are dearly missed
Antonia
You are dearly missed

The one who forgave my transgressions
Who rebuked me from deep within
(There's not enough Narcan left inside)
Who gave me a chance to grow has departed
(I will pay for leaving you behind)
The casual smirk and deceptive grin
The unrequited assurance
(Beautiful perfect scum of your design)
That began the change of of everything I know
(A family of idiots must survive)
Restarted

She was alive
She was loved, she was alive
I'm not fine. She was alive
You should reconcile cause she was alive
She was alive, alive

So what will I do with this pain of mine
Confusion overwhelming inside
I could've sworn all my friends were forbidden from dying
Forbidden
Forbidden

Seeing your name on street signs fills me with anguish
Speaking your fate aloud feels like hearing a lie
(This cant be true, this can't be true)
This is impossible, improbable in our timeline

Some nights after you died
I reached over ninety-thousand miles in my car
And I didn't even notice
I couldn't cause I was too busy 
driving slowly around the suburbs that we both grew up in
And screaming in disbelief

(Reveal those positive angel minutes)
Did all that make-up hide your pain inside
(And we'll revel in those positive angel minutes to the end)
Shelter us all from the burden you resolved to bear alone
(Reveal those positive angel minutes)
Did all that make-up hide your pain inside
(And we'll revel in those positive angel minutes to the end)
We all admired what was on the surface, concealer sealing away the unknown

The one who forgave my transgressions
Who rebuked me from deep within
(There's not enough Narcan left inside)
Who gave me a chance to grow has departed
(I will pay for leaving you behind)
The casual smirk and deceptive grin
The unrequited assurance
(Beautiful perfect scum of your design)
That began the change of of everything I know
(A family of idiots must survive)
Has restarted
Cause she was alive

Sorry I Passed Out And Just Woke Up, I Need My Sleeps (She Was Alive)

Held on a long time and,
now it's gone

Blistered from broken words like,
"I'll stay around"

Gave empty my all,
Let Forever fall

Don't you, lead me astray

Fortunes are all wrong now,
crumbs on the floor

I wanted all I wanted,
all once more

Gave empty my all,
Let forever fall

Don't you let me go astray
please don't let me go astray


Credits:
Written by Lilac Blister
Produced by Lilac Blister and Justin Cardoze
Engineered & Mastered by Justin Cardoze

ASTRAY

truly the most terrifying beast of them all

Mommy's Special Boy

visualizer ! - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4Zm60FPLMc

cherrypop death

the "impasse" chillin in your mind, preventing you from moving on.
Stay Strong! :)

impasse

The JB Conspiracy - Starting Again

One of my favorite songs by Red House Painters, a 90's alternative rock band led by singer/songwriter Mark Kozelek.

Have You Forgotten (Red House Painters cover)

down the well

The posting of this track has been coming. I think I wrote this in 2020 half ranting about the pandemic and half ranting about the beauty that is the American Educational system. I don't know, enjoy dear listener and let me know what you think. 

LYRICS:

Bashing my head to the wall
Feeling like I’ve got a headache coming
Flipping through the same old book
Reading the same words every day

I want Light
I want Flight
I want fight
No, I need change

Head on the steering wheel
Pachelbel breaths in stereo
He’s on a freaking loop
Hearing the same notes, every day

I want Light
I want Flight
I want fight
Oh please let me fly
I want life
I want strife
Oh, I don’t know, I don’t know, 
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t-

Poking holes in the things you hate,
yet you don't question the things you love...
Poking holes in the things you hate,
yet you don't question the things you love...
Poking holes in the things you hate,
yet you don't question the things you love...

Angry Cowboy

follow through he knew his lifes inside of me my mind your mind five minds bleed die it's just all an open range collective there's nothing great except the thing that passes three I am all but make believe and god is what's inside of thee,

separate from the front my backwards brain goes off the track a neverending seamless bending taking out your voice it's back and I've lost all myself control it's like an ordinary world and once it crumbles down to burn a dead man starves it till rebirth 

take my tounge not leave my head flopped I could see until the sun stopped now I'm nothing more than star dust I can feel my eyes get pulled back twisted bastard what's your code word when your life gets less than worthless cut your tongue out missing teeth gaps every vision is your purpose.

(then hi I just got my fix by take my life it's funny shit guys what's your worth in 26 I I just saw another time line fuck your old new make believe life you should hang and see the white lights funny moments never capsized let the fear take over your mind take the pills shutting off his mind left the key right on the cliff side knocked himself down to the void eye bust his skull I see the joy die in a fit of rage and no time only if he saw the short lights beat my death they'll take my death and make it into something franchised)

wishing, faster, moving, slowly, cut my, self ties, leave you, hanging, desperate, knowing, never, being, lock your mind outside the room now the end floors in your home

(wishing I was faster moving slowly past the captor kept me locked inside the plastered meta morphing dead mans center an illusion to my friction fractured I just wanna kill you asshole choke and swallow pass your vomit in the end you'll lose to nonsense)





he who has no name

void substance