This is my first ep, recorded way back in 2011. All of the songs were written in the wake of my mother's death and contain various emotional responses to it, ranging from grief to anger to guilt to, well, everywhere else the heart goes when it loses someone it loved.

Ripcord

In Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar", she describes going to a mental institution and being put back together with glue. That line inspired this song, which is about the enormous, gaping, ever-present hole that felt like it resided somewhere inside my gut after my mother died, and the impossibility of gluing it shut.

Lyrics:

I feel segmented
strewn out across the floor
all my pieces trying to fit together
I'm disemboweled
some of me seems to be missing
the rest of me is holding it together
I'm blown apart
every splintered fragment 
a reminder of what I used to be
I am shrapnel
I cut the hole
where you used to be

until you put me back together
you put me back together with soul glue

I'm born again
I'm brand new
I'm whole again thanks to soul glue
I've seen the light
it's good and true
you cut all the sharp edges that were cutting through

you put me back together
you put me back together with soul glue

but then I need you around to get another fix
I need you around to get another fix of that soul glue

your glue can hold me together
no glue can hold me together
your glue can hold me together
no glue can hold me together

Soul glue

Soul Glue

Another song abut death, what fun! 

The first section of this song is about sitting by my mother as she choked out her final breaths. There were horrible silences between each gasp, and I remember thinking each time, "Was that it?Was that the last one? Is she dead now?" And then another would come. It probably only went on for five or ten minutes, but it seemed an eternity. She appeared to me to be in great pain, so I kept telling her to let go, to die.

The second part of this song comes from a time when I was in Israel for my sister's wedding. It was a couple of years after my mother's death, and I was horribly depressed. We went on a day trip to a lookout point high up on a peak, with a beautiful view of the countryside and the glittering city lights below, and all I could think about was throwing myself off the edge. Visions of my body crashing and tumbling down the rocky cliff face kept looping through my mind, and I was terrified to go near the edge in case the compulsion became too strong.

Lyrics:

struggling
gasping
like a fish on the dock
eyes tight
against the world
like a drowning man

let go, come on baby, let go

climbing to the edge
all the lights down below
guide me to release

let go, come on baby, let go

'cos you were there
and I was there to be with you
to be with you
if I could take them all
and fall away
to be with you
I'd be with you

Let Go

My mother died when I was 25, and this song is primarily about the last day of her life, when I sat by her side until she was gone. It is told from her perspective, of having fought too long against death and now just wanting it to end.

The final section is about the seemingly unending grief that followed. At the time I thought that if I deliberately cried every day I could somehow process all of that grief and empty myself of tears. After a month or two of this, I still felt just as awful. Whoops! It turns out grief is not something you can just push out of your system.

Lyrics:

here's the morning, what's it bring?
don't bring anything
don't mean anything to me
'cos I know my time has come
yes it's come at last
no more waiting in the dark

and I know that it's what I needed
be clear that this is mine and not yours
I know that it's what I needed
be clear that this is mine and not yours

and here's the evening here with you
and I'm so glad to spend it with you
so we can sit and talk until the shadows become one

and I know that it's what I needed
be clear that this is mine and not yours
I know that it's what I needed
be clear that this is mine and not yours

sometimes I feel like crying
but I'm always crying
there's so much crying

Mine then

The title says it all :)

Lyrics:

please forgive me
for laughing at you in the foyer
please forgive me
for setting fire to your car the other day
please forgive me
for letting the whole team down
please forgive me for letting you die

when I said it's ok
to let go
it's alright
to let yourself die
it is ok
to let go
just let go
please forgive me

please forgive me
for lying to you about where I was last night
please forgive me
for stealing money from your purse to feed my addiction
please forgive me
for stepping off my pedestal
please forgive me
for letting you die

when I said it's ok
to let go
it's alright
to let yourself die
it is ok
to let go
just let go
I said it's ok
to let go
it's alright
to let yourself die
it is ok
to let go
it's alright
to let yourself die

An incomplete history of stupidity

An Incomplete History Of Stupidity

For years after my mother died I used to have vivid dreams of her. Often in these dreams she behaved almost like she was a stranger. It was very confusing, especially as in the dream I was aware she had died but no-one else seemed to find it unusual that she was still alive. How odd!

Lyrics:

you hurt me
and I'm coming to you
coming to you

grab the cigarettes
from the table
and hit the streets
walk for hours
I'm coming home
to you

I wanna be with you
I wanna be back when it hurt
I wanna be with you
I thought you'd at least pretend

I'm coming home to love
I'll never be alone
pretend

that I wanna be with you
that I wanna be back when it hurt
I wanna be with you
I thought you'd at least pretend

Dreamlife

Interstellar field recordings packaged into diverse frequencies pleasing to the human ear.

mybrokenartmusic@gmail.com

Ripcord

My Broken Art