I don't believe in ghosts
and I would say that I'm braver than most
but lately I've been seeing your face
every night and it keeps me awake

I don't believe in hell
or heaven but still I wish you well
just in case there's an afterlife
or some other place where we go when we die

I have not been
sleeping lately
medication
does not help me

I don't believe in reincarnation
or that all will be fine if I just have some patience
but there's a sliver of hope that I'll see you again
somewhere somehow, this can't be the end, no

I don't believe what they say
when I tell them I'm not okay
"hey, chin up, cheer up, get up and out of bed,
you can win this fight against the demons in your head"

but
I have not been
sleeping lately
medication
does not help me

and
I have not been
eating lately
only constant
hunger sates me

I don't believe I'll be fine
because my thoughts of you still take up the larger part of what's left of my mind
and god damn if only I could tell you how loved you are
there's not a single thing I wouldn't give to go where you are

and I don't want to fell asleep
because I might dream of a world where you are still next to me
and I can't stand the thought of going back to when you were alive
only to have it ripped away from me time and time again

I believe that death is the end
and fuck, I just miss my friend

ghosts

lately I've seemed obsessed and I don't know why
but I'll try my best to explain it

it's the way that your hair flows
down past your collarbones
and rests on your chest

it's the way that you smile
when you say you've been down for a while
but you're sure that it will change for the best

it's how you laugh 'til you're snorting
when you hear that funny story
for the hundred thousandth time

it's how you care for your cats
even when you're not happy
'cause they're the reason you're still alive

it's the way you live your life

but it's the way that you glow
in the light from your phone
when you're awake at 3 AM

it's the way that your hip bones
protrude from your skin
because you haven't been eating

it's the scars on your wrist
that you got when you missed your friend 
once again

it's the way you burn bridges
and refuse to rebuild them
'cause you keep shutting out your friends

though they only want to help

it's the lights that flash
when you stand up too fast
and almost faint

it's the way that your belly
screams that it's empty
and your whole body complains

it's that you keep getting worse
and you keep getting hurt
and you keep getting into fights

it's that your time is up
you say you've had enough
so it's time for you to die

but, knowing you, you'll stay alive

obsessions

about 20 something years ago in a little town in Sweden
a married couple would have their third child and first son
the last one had been stillborn, it was a tragedy to be sure
but hopefully this next one could make up for that loss

skip back to the present and SIKE you have three daughters now, mum and dad!
I'm sorry to disappoint you
if I could trade places with that stillborn babe
you know that I would do it in a heartbeat

BECAUSE I'M SO FUCKING TIRED OF EVERYTHING
ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, AND SUICIDAL IDEATION
SO IF I COULD PRESS A BUTTON AND MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY
WHY THE  F U C K  WOULD I HESITATE

but I've got two cats who depend on me, and I love them so fucking much
and it breaks my heart to think that they'd forget me
and I know that there are people who love me, but I honestly don't care
because at least I can explain myself in a suicide note

and say I'M SO FUCKING TIRED OF EVERYTHING
ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, AND SUICIDAL IDEATION
SO IF I CAN POP SOME PILLS TO MAKE IT ALL GO AWAY
WHY THE  F U C K  SHOULD I HESITATE

but there are things that keep me going, like listening to music, and drinking tea
I know it's nothing special, but to me it's enough
enough to keep me grounded for another day
another week, another month, another year

but I'm so fucking tired of living like that
it's been ten years in this limbo state where I can't really feel anything
so I would honestly much rather put a bullet in my brain
before I go completely insane

BUT I'M NOT GONNA PUT A BULLET IN MY BRAIN, BECAUSE THAT WOULD LEAVE A MESS
AND  G O D  F O R B I D  THAT I EVER DO ANYTHING TO EVEN SLIGHTLY INCONVENIENCE ANYONE
YEAH I'D PREFER TO SEAL A PLASTIC BAG AROUND MY HEAD
AFTER I'VE OVERDOSED ON DRUGS AND POISONED MYSELF WITH ALCOHOL

but I promise there's no need to worry about me
I'll probably live for at least another decade
and don't you fucking dare tell me that I'm strong
it's frankly just insulting to say I'm strong for not having the courage to go and kill myself

I'm just so fucking tired of everything
I think it's time for me to go to sleep
and I'll wish to not wake up, though I know that I will
but hopefully someday my wish will come true

tired

why do you love to fall?
when did you learn to love those marks - the bruises and the scars left on and underneath your skin?

how did you get like this?
think about all the things you'll miss if you decide you've had enough and finally give in

who do you want to be?
you say "anyone but me" and though I know just how that feels, you're fine the way you are

where do you go from here?
because if you would disappear, I hope you know I'll search for you among the moon and stars

among the moon and stars

I traced my fingers down your spine as you looked to the sea
and you told me there's no other place in the world where you'd rather be
we lay on the rooftop for hours that night
not a care in the world, not a trouble in sight

and we watched as the stars in the sky
fell down and drowned

now time has gone by and I'm not the same that I was back then
yet I still come here every year and hope that I'll see you again
I remember your voice when you said we were gods
nothing we couldn't do, we'd always beat the odds

and you pointed to the night sky, said "look at the stars,  we'll drag them down"

I went to the cliff by the shore where we always used to dwell
where you told me secrets and I promised you I wouldn't tell
you told me you never wanted to grow old
you said you were scared, but in my eyes you were bold

and I still remember how you jumped down and drowned

you told me you never wanted to grow old
you've turned into dust but in my memories you're gold

and I still feel you by my side when I look at the stars fall

gods

there's a girl that sits by her computer
locked inside her own room
hoping no one bothers her

she is staring blankly at the bright screen
fingers typing words that
turn into a letter

she is telling all her friends she loves them
saying that she'll always
keep them close to her heart

but she ends her letter on a strange note
asking everyone to
keep her close to their heart

__________

there's a girl that's sitting by her window
in her hand an object
shining in the moonlight

carving memories into her own body
feeling close to nothing
she can't even seem to cry

loudly, she can hear the wind blow
drowning out the thoughts that
rumble around in her mind

she lets go of the shiny little object
it has served its purpose
now she must make up her mind

__________

there's a girl that's standing by her bathtub
watching as the water
fills it up and overflows

with a tired smile she steps inside it
sinks into the water
and breathes it in as she lets go

her open skin colours the water
with dancing streams of red that
playfully swirl around

as she looks up, staring at the ceiling
she sees her hair above her
start to dance and swirl around

__________

there's a girl that's lying in her bed with
roses on her chest that
match the crimson of her sheets

no one knows why she is sleeping
knows why she said nothing
so they let her stay asleep

peaceful, she is lying so still
not even her chest moves
she is like a statue now

a statue, made of bones and pale skin
shining in the moonlight
hopefully she's happy now

__________

there's a girl that sits by her computer
locked inside her own room
hoping someone bothers her

computer

silly recording in one take for a weekly challenge thingie I'm doing with some friends

what is this

it happened again
I'm sorry, my friend
I don't know why I am such a mess
it happened again
forgive me, I beg
'cause I like to think I'm trying my best

but who am I kidding
there's no way that's true
just look at my life
it's obvious
yeah who am I kidding
I'll never improve
just look at me
I'm hideous

maybe I was never meant to be loved
maybe I was made to be disposed of
maybe I'll never find a way out of here
maybe I'll keep searching all of my life
maybe I'll stay this way 'til I die
maybe I'll never find a way out of here

I keep screwing up
I feel like it's all I ever do
it's depressing to think about who I've become
because I keep screwing up
and deep down I know it's true
that the only way for me to live is to stay numb

because I don't think I'm meant to be loved
I think I was made to be disposed of
I don't think I'll ever find a way out of here
I think I'll keep searching all of my life
I think I'll stay this way 'til I die
I don't think I'll ever find a way out of here

take all my power
though I know there isn't much
but I'm more than happy to give you what little I have
so take all my power
because I ruin everything that I touch
and it's all coming down to crush me and split me in half

so throw me away
that's all that I'm asking for
leave me behind and ignore my cries for help
please, throw me away
leave me face down on the floor
'cause in the end I did this to myself

and I know I was never meant to be loved
I know I was made to be disposed of
I know I'll never find a way out of here
I know I'll keep searching all of my life
I know I'll stay this way 'til I die
I know I'll never find a way out of here

I was never meant to be loved
I was made to be disposed of
I will never find a way out of here
I will keep searching all of my life
I will stay this way 'til I die
so maybe it's better if I

loved

we lost a friend recently and I wanted to make something in her memory, and even though I would have liked to have made something more with this, in the end I decided to let it be a cappella

we love you and we miss you, Molly

thank you Tam (https://twitter.com/tam_exe_) for letting me use your beautiful drawing of her as the cover image


you held my heart
in your open hands
but you fell apart
and I didn't understand

you were my light
at night you shone so bright
but the dark made you cold
and filled your lungs with snow

and I didn't understand
I don't understand

now you're gone for good
and I don't know what to do
but I wish you well
'cause you've already been through hell

you were my light
at night you shone so bright
but the dark held you close
and filled your heart with coal

but I could see you smile
I still see you smile

and though you're gone for good
and I don't know what to do
still I wish you well
'cause you've already been through hell
and one day I know I’ll see you again

you are all that my heart
ever wanted close
but you fell apart
and I still chase your ghost

but I still see you smile

I am missing you
and nothing makes sense anymore
I spend my nights
trying not to cry
but I'll remember you
even when I'm old and grey
and I wish you well
'cause you've already been through hell
and one day I know I'll see you again

all that my heart ever wanted close

I have no idea how to actually make music - I just took the instrumental of an amazing song by an amazing artist and recorded my own lyrics over it - but even though the quality may be lacking I still wanted to make this in honour of my friend Molly



Too much emotion
Grinding my teeth as I’m crying
The sadness comes and goes in waves
And nothing makes sense to me
Deep dark rings around my eyes
I see your smile when I’m dreaming
I wish I could stay there with you
But I’ll still visit when I’m sleeping


You looked so good in blue
I hope you’re well
I’ll always remember you
And I’m proud of you still
I miss your little wink
Your drive-bys and snails
I hope you feel at peace
And I’ll tell your tale
I’ll tell your tale


Grieving community
Everything thrown off-balance
I know that you tried your best
But it was too much for you to bear it
I get it now that it’s too late
But I’ll never stop feeling guilty
I don’t think I’ll get over this
So I just have to sing it out of me


You looked so good in blue
I hope you’re well
I’ll always remember you
And I’m proud of you still
Because the pain that I feel now
Is the happiness from back then
I’ll always think of you
Still as my friend
I hope you think of me
Wherever you are
I hope you feel at peace
That’s all I want
That’s all I want

blue (cover of Green by Cavetown)

\ 20 something \ she/her \ very gay \ very tired \

Naemi

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