a song about a woman who became a mother when she was a young teen, and ended up a single mum. this is the dialogue between her and a childless friend, who, as she sees it at first, is still free to "have fun", and "be childlike". there's envy and unresolved resistance towards her own situation, her own life. she is bemoaning the fact that she cannot find a man ("all the good fruits are plucked, and the ones left are rotten in their core...") but at the end of the song we hear how she realises the richness of her life: "see how rich I am still.." etc. it was fun to use this piece of dialogue from an unfinished short story of mine and turn it in to a song. as always, the lyrics and melody fitted effortlessly together, as things do when you are in the flow.

lyrics and melody by niamh mckinney 
accompaniment by steve mckinney

"It's all right for you", she said,
"you don't know what it's like to have kids so young,
I've never really lived,
And the sun, now it shines so strong,
And I'm pale and blinking here in the light,
I'm left here thinking about a life
I've never lived
Don't know what freedom is...

Don't know what freedom is
I only got freedom from childhood
And then had my kids
Don't know your kind of point of view
Can't see things unclouded like you seem to do.
Everyone's oasis..
All the good fruits are plucked
And the ones left are rotten in their core
You know you can't take from this place,
You can't take from this place any more

You are free to be so childlike
You can't see it's a damn luxury
Soon as you fill their bellies they're empty
And when they sleep
You don't know what to do with yourself
You're all frayed edges and indecision
Used up and unused at the same time
Only the walls to climb
Only the creak of time"

Chorus

"You've picked your poison, my misery guts," 
I said, "No going back, 
down it now and forget it.
You think you're a fly in the face of life
And it keeps batting you away.
Yesterday's sorrows have been wanting to die
And you've been keeping them alive
Not sure who that could serve.
You're not undeserving"

"No room for artifice any more
Just leave your facade right there at the door
Having them made me really real
Can't really deal with pretence any more
I take some for me and mine and run
Not been living under the sun among everyone 
See how rich I am still 
With everything taken away..."

DAMN LUXURY

Minus one and the sun rising
Trying to get a message to you
I wonder do you receive them
Am I getting through to you

I am awoken, I'm seeing all of your symbols
All the signals that you've left for me
So animal, picking up scent,
I can't even articulate what it is I see

And you say "I got you outta this
Now whaddya got for me?
I got you outta this
Now whaddya got whaddya got?"

Drowning in the sun babe, sun babe, and frost
Drowning in the sun babe,
and the sense of something lost
Drowning in the sun babe, sun babe, and frost, 
And you've stopped reading my eyes too 
You've stopped reading my eyes 

Now I've dug up the treasure 
I can take back what's mine 
Give me every music and pleasure 
I am the truest ever lie 

I am awoken, I'm seeing all of your symbols
All the signals that you've left for me
I haven't yet stepped wrong but I keep losing my keys 
Am I losing my way too? 

And you say... (chorus) 

I don't want to do any damage
Not every fire has to ravage
No fuel you burn can keep you at my pace
Just sit back and watch me blaze 

I am awoken... (chorus) 

Now just when I should be mild
I find myself all aflame 
Now I find myself to be wild
Just when I thought that I was tamed.. 

Minus One

This is your inheritance. 
The burnt grass is fragrant.
You wear the scent of seared earth,
My little innocents.
Trees brittle, unbreathing
The walking warped abandoned spirit
Bereft, they bring on a winter
we won't recognise..

And something inward screams;
a punch right in to the heart
A deep genetic memory;
a punch right in to the gut...

Apples rot at your feet
The impoverished spirit robs yours blind
The assault the spirit has sustained:
How vast the blindness can be.
Don't let these years eat you alive,
eyes blackened and wide...
All sacred trampled underfoot:
Let the fever do all the killing..

(chorus) 

I'll not partake of this new weather;
Won't pay my way in to this fear theatre.. 
What weird worship - twisted invocation -
Destruction is built in. 
Heirs to a kingdom in ruin, 
I bend to kiss your crowns. 
Heirs to a crumbling throne, 
I kiss your crowns... 

(chorus) 

Here the sun pours a torture,. 
And there it pours a balm. 
I hear a muttered curse and then.. 
And then I hear a psalm... 
What weird worship -
twisted invocation - 
Destruction is built in. 
I'll not partake of this new weather:
I will not pay my way in. 


HEIRS

Let Doubt Never Shadow Your Face (new)

A bed
of needles under the pines
You gave me
some of your new lines
Slow and low
You made them for me
A song where we could always be,
A place where we could live

You've seen
what it is that I have
Can you say what it is
that burns so hard
Burns so hard in me
A fire that you've always seen,
Tireless, trembling

I hold those words in my heart
like gold in my hand
In my hand
You left like desert heat at dusk,
The memory lives darkly in me...

I crave
and the more that I crave
the more you elude me -
like trying to net not a fish,
but a wave of the sea.
I can't chase you
I cannot undo
I can't chase you
I cannot undo... 

BED of NEEDLES

Come me own one,
Come me fair one,
Come now unto me... 

Saucy Sailor (folk song)

I bid you rid yourself of this 
I bid you sell on your fear
Before the storm I bound thee to me
Free is the promise written in song

I'd been living adrift
but I got over the rift and swam
Gathering all of my strength 
I made for the golden sands 
Enough strength for thee 
and enough strength for me
Everything comes out of 
the thinness of time,
out of thinness...

I bid you rid yourself of this 
Think on that sudden freedom 
Don your light, allow some ease
What guise wears your tormentor?

I'd been reading Stone 
and you were off in white-blind fog
The lines did their work 
like the makers of silk in the dark
Enough strength for thee 
and enough strength for me 
Everything comes out of 
the thinness of time,
out of thinness...

Promises, promises, all for rust,
all for traces, all for dust,
All for dust...
All for dust...

I'd been reading Stone 
and you were off in white-blind fog
The lines, they did their work 
like the makers of silk in the dark
Enough strength for thee 
and enough strength for me 
Everything comes out of 
the thinness of time,
out of thinness...

Reading Stone

I don't think you knew 
what it meant did you?
...to be able to fall
and land with you.
And I fell asleep thinking 
how rich I am:
in my head it's payday...
...payday...

And in the morning I'll have courage
And in the morning I'll walk in richness...
I take a taste of the sweat from your face 
and the salt of you is the salt of me
is the salt of the sea 
and richness is with me again

I did the best with what I had
but I have done wrong again
without knowing how
There's a cold song again
in my crowded heart 
Sometimes I feel the lines of me
so misty and hazy
- I am a mist, maybe,
a vapour off the sea...

You have it already 
just hold it steady now 
You have it already 
just hold it steady now...
You look at me with those 
get-away-with-anything eyes
With just a look you can't 
measure my wealth:
it's me and the silence
and whatever comes...

Would you really be back there?
Would you really be young again?
...with all of that trouble 
still to come again...
We speak of youth as though 
it's ours forever
What would you want from me?
Yes, I know: Loyalty

You carry the melody
that carries me
You carry the melody
that carries me
I take a taste of the sweat from your face 
and the salt of you is the salt of me
is the salt of the sea 
and richness is with me again

I don't think you knew 
what it meant did you?
...to be able to fall
and land with you.
And I fell asleep thinking 
how rich I am:
in my head it's payday...
...payday...

And in the morning I'll have courage
And in the morning I'll walk in richness...

P A Y D A Y



I am thinking, "No,
things shouldn't be this way.."
I am thinking how
I could be falling prey...

We have a common enemy, you and me
A flash of truth from your eyes 
to my eyes...
And all these mirrors 
held up to us
break brightness up 
They're breaking the brightness up...

You're taking the steep climb 
The rocks you packed around your heart 
Your spirit puts a panic on 
as is its habit.
You summon up a storm again,
I watch it rage around you..
Really don't want to join you there:
Don't drag me in...

This is your weather,
Not mine...
This is your weather,
Not mine...
This is your weather,
Not mine, 
Not mine...

Can you hem the edges of your mind?
Your spirit is so flyaway 
You shred up your old name 
Every nerve taut and frayed
The roar levels all, levels all...
You draw in smoke to get some air
You sit in to the drowning box
and dig your heels in there 

This is your weather,
Not mine...
This is your weather,
Not mine...
This is your weather,
Not mine, 
Not mine...

Things aren't clear from here -
You're in your fury; I'm in the fog -
I don't know the right words,
I don't know the code, 
I don't have it!

And you've got some rage to spend,
my darlin, 
but you've got nothing to burn
And you've got some rage to spend,
my darlin, 
but you've got nothing to burn...





COMMON ENEMY

The Price

Price is always changing
I'll never get it paid 
Rises right around the time 
I think I've got it saved 
You see the price blazing,
blazing in my eyes:
Figures like the shadows 
that are thrown by fire

You see the toll in the centre of my brow 
Regret - you old knower - how freedom frightens me
I know my way around you, 
I know I do not wish to leave 
I know my way around you 
I know I do not wish to leave

Guilt, my oldest lover;
How newness unnerves me 
The heart a freedom fighter 
that has no wish to win
Under all new wishes, 
I know I do not wish to leave
I know my way around here 
and newness seems like disease

You see the toll 
in the centre of my brow...
Regret - you old knower - how freedom frightens me
I know my way around you 
I know I do not wish to leave
I know my way around you 
I know I do not wish to leave

My conscience - my decider
My heart - bellowing freedom-fighter

Price is always changing 
I'll never get it paid...


The Price

I was walking straight and tall
Like someone with nothing and no one to carry
- A woman without a burden -
Till my feet got me to the sea

I let myself in and it 
dutifully, voraciously, swallowed me
Then spat me out like a bad taste
Been pretty bitter lately

We played this game for a while 
Till I washed up on the shore
smooth as driftwood and 
barely wiser than before

Sometimes you need to be 
tossed around 
so you can feel the new sound
rising 
Climbing you like ivy...
Been pretty bitter lately

bitterlately

My heart, the house 
with the roof that's giving:
fight-or-flight feeling
- the glint in your eye
Even my skin 
is panicking...
Follow on the road 
of ragged old dreams...

A thousand seas sound 
in the swaying baby pine
The ragged cries of crows
climb
If I find my old heartbeats 
I'll follow them like 
stepping stones 

My heart, the house 
with the roof that's giving:
fight-or-flight feeling
- the glint in your eye
Even my dreams 
are scattering...
Follow on the road 
of ragged old dreams...

The shifting weight of rain 
on the skin of the sea
The sky-change like a brow
furrowing 
Rising up to disappear:
the words escape 
like cigarette smoke...

My heart, the house 
with the roof that's giving:
fight-or-flight feeling
- the glint in your eye
Even my skin 
is panicking...
Follow on the road 
of ragged old dreams...



ROOF THAT'S GIVING

Running
I pick up my speed
The hands of the sun
snatch at me through the trees 
My shadow goes ahead of me
Burning cold
Burning cold, she is

This is how I unravel 
The sun a-parallel to me 
Blades of sand are flying 
The sculptor working his blade
Burning cold 
Burning cold, he is

I put my legs on automatic 
and travel expanses 
across the land and the mindscape 
Built to run

And out here there's a holy harmony 
I drape it around me 
My voice finds it like
my foot finds a solid hold 
And out here demons desert my mind 
- their messages are like papers 
that I can burn now,
old letters from old enemies

Desire, the fire lit under me
The world set spinning as I run 
We have to learn to be what we are 
and hook up to some other power 
Burning cold 
Burning cold, it can be

The cells a spread of stars now 
Our blood is effervescent, yes.
I'm travelling at the speed of blood
with fire licking at my heels.
Burning heat
Burning heat within 

I put my legs on automatic 
and travel expanses 
across the land and the mindscape 
Built to run

And out here there's a holy harmony 
I drape it around me 
My voice finds it like
my foot finds a solid hold 
And out here demons desert my mind 
- their messages are like papers 
that I can burn now,
old letters from old enemies

I snake like sand 
along the vacant shore 
and throw all ill-luck 
to the cleansing fire 
I snake like sand 
along the vacant shore 
and throw all ill-luck 
to the cleansing fire 

Evil had me by the ears 
then let go and I up and ran

Evil had me by the ears 
then let go and I up and ran

Evil had me by the ears 
then let go and I up and ran

Evil had me by the ears 
then let go and I up and ran

Up and Ran

Those farmed horses look wild
with the sky leaning down low...
She's stayed put all of her life
but she's wild at heart you know.
The seasons have changed
but they're bathed in winter still
The air between them now a different animal

And you know life kept going, kept growing outside of the Grey Gardens
"Can't keep the line between the past and the present
It isn't easy
It isn't easy
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I mean?"

Living on memories and ancient melodies
- not nourishment enough, and the future waits always
Options open beyond her glazed mind's eye
"You don't see me as I see myself,
It's all gone with this soft life.."

Dig me out of the din of my dreams,
They are uneasy,
They are uneasy
My mind is a dangerous flame in flagrant dance,
Straining at the wick,
Aching for release,
Aching for release...

Little tethered heart, aching for release
Little tethered heart, aching for release
Little tethered heart, aching for release
Little tethered heart, aching for release

"When am I going to get out of here?
When am I going to get out of here?
When am I going to get out of here?
When am I going to get out of here?"

Little tethered heart...

Grey Gardens

Dragging around your history
You know it meant nothing to me
Live now as though you're never coming back
You know now is a good time to breathe

To say yes to this is
to say yes to suffering 
and joy in unequal measures:
It's to say yes to your 
pollution, and mine

In this moment -
permanent -
in all of the borrowed light
In this moment -
permanent -
things like us can happen 

Dragging around your history
You know it meant nothing to me.
You had no choice but to relive and relive
Sick of self-sabotage and -salvage

To say yes to this is
to say yes to suffering 
and joy in unequal measures:
It's to say yes to your 
pollution, and mine

In this moment -
permanent -
in all of the borrowed light
In this moment -
permanent -
things like us can happen 

Stop waiting for something external 
Stop waiting for something external to propel you 
Stop waiting for something external 
Stop waiting for something external to propel you 

You're just gonna have to accept that there are some things that I love about you 
that you never can know 
that you never can
You're just gonna have to accept that there are some things that I love about you 
that you never can know 
that you never can
I'm just gonna have to accept that there are some things that you love about me
that I never can see 
that I never can see

Here 
comes your strength breaking through 
like sun
from the bottom of the lake 





reliving (demo)

Weave it from what you have (demo)

Down Near the Sea (demo)

The sky keeps the kind of quiet
he keeps in anger - 
tight-lipped and wary, 
holding in the storm
Twisted with time
like a tree growing with the
shape of the wind in it
Sea-wind flailing strong

The baby leaps within her
like a fish against the muscle of the river
River flailing strong
This winter does not know
its own mind
Like her it's lost its weather

How low she is now
Spirit dragging her skirts
Shuffling and muttering
Muddying the hem
The gifts she has been given
for no reason
heap up around her
like dunes

The baby sleeps within her
Like a fish that's lost its battle with the river
River flailing strong
Guilt chases her down like a fire
in the steely depths of winter

She's lost her weather to the river,
This river
This river, this
treacherous river 
A river with fists 
River with anger
A river ferocious 
A river raging 
Grabs at your ankles
"It is what it is" - 
that's what he said - 
This great grief, 
This gutted house, 
It is what it is, 
This great grief 
This gutted house 

Gutted

Pure Fury (demo)

For a long time he spoke
Chosen words coiling
Their ears turned to him like flowers toward the sun
Yes, I was among them

He cleanses their minds
They're content to hand over
the heavy reins of their heavy lives
There is warmth within the hive

Within the herd there is sweet security

They gazed upon him and I looked the other the way
He saw among the sea of eyes the side of my face 
I was summoned up to the altar before his knee
He whispered, "I don't tolerate anyone doubting me."

The power in his eyes 
to bestow and overthrow
all their many minds mere pages for him to read and turn
Their glazed attention - 
that of unlit windows, 
rows of mirrors 
the boiling of blood 
turned mild as milk

How smooth and free to be 

They gazed upon him and I looked the other way 
He saw among the sea of eyes the side of my face 
I was summoned up to the altar before his knee
He whispered, "I don't tolerate anyone doubting me" 
He whispered, "I don't tolerate anyone doubting me" 
He whispered, "I don't tolerate anyone doubting me"

Cultsong

Your Wolves 

This is not your native darkness
I invite you in 
I regret that I encroach upon
your light so long-reaching
What creature am I?
I have been asking
I am no night creature 
but the night does want me 

Oooooooooooh

Will you hide from your wolves?
Will you hide, will you hide?
Will you hide from your wolves?
Will you hide, will you hide?
Your unworthinesses, your pets,
your tagalongs,
when you tell them you're done with them
they lie down for a while,
like good dogs.

You're lying down as I write this part
your face breaks my heart 
It's like that thing they say 
I feel we rise from the same clay 
How is it my sky caves in
and through cracks in my darkness
I see you still standing 
in the realm of the sun? 
A smile within your eyes,
counting true things like money;
sorcery is so simple.
I only see that now 

Will you hide from your wolves?
Will you hide? Will you hide?
Will you hide from your wolves? 
Will you hide? Will you hide?
Your unworthinesses, 
your pets, your tagalongs,
When you tell them you're  done with them
they lie down for a while,
like good dogs.

Allow me to take you for granted 
and I'll be a given
They have seen fit to bestow gifts,
let us not question it.
I look to you when I'm 
not feeling worthy 
and you and only you 
untie all my points of pain.
I am unlearning terror -
Empty promiser,
Inflammation of the soul -
Let's have a new fire 

Will you hide from your wolves?
Will you hide? Will you hide?

Your Wolves

Razed

Razed (new version)

Dream new dreams for me 
The old ones weigh you down now
Light as wings, they used to be 
They're heavy as grief-laden hearts now 
Now they clutter up your mind 
like a house that's filled with useless things
Now they clutter up your mind 
like a house that's filled with useless things 
Dream new dreams for me 
Lighten your old burden
Plans that didn't happen
rot like fruit that never ripened
Now they clutter up your mind 
like a house that's filled with useless things
Now they clutter up your mind 
like a house that's filled with useless things 

You worked me some words
You worked me a wish
You set those words to work
Set them 
swimming like fish
of orange and gold

The path unravels from under your feet now
The path unravels from under your feet
I ran and ran and the blood beat heavy in my hands
I ran and ran and the blood beat heavy in my...

I am indebted to you but it's a debt you'll never make me pay 
Though you never really say and we never speak about it 
How can I ever be sure that I can be a worthy one?
You said you never really can and I never speak about it

Wishwork (some sat night messin)

Throw something more on the fire, my love
Something more to maintain that flame
In the smoke I see your name, love,
and I see mine,
they intertwine 

At night, the trees, they purr like engines
Under the engines of the sky
At night we take to deeper shelter
I am your shelter, 
Your shelter, I 

Your eyes on me and I am burning 
A whole gorse fire 'neath a frozen moon 
Your eyes feast, you're hungering 
You're a winter beast, 
I'm a summer entire 

My urgency; I am tightened wires
Your heated stare; I'm a cresting song 
We slip by each other - no touch,
but there's a stronger bind than touch
I will not test this bond, my love
Though I know it could withstand the test
My heart is a dancing fire, love
Come warm yourself at my heat

Cresting


With many thanks to Rian Trench for the drums! 

Lyrics:

This is not your native darkness
I invite you in 
I regret that I encroach upon
your light so long-reaching
What creature am I?
I have been asking
I am no night creature 
but the night does want me

Oooooooooooh

Will you hide from your wolves?
Will you hide, will you hide?
Will you hide from your wolves?
Will you hide, will you hide?
Your unworthinesses, your pets,
your tagalongs,
when you tell them you're done with them
they lie down for a while,
like good dogs.

You're lying down as I write this part
your face breaks my heart 
It's like that thing they say 
I feel we rise from the same clay 
How is it my sky caves in
and through cracks in my darkness
I see you still standing 
in the realm of the sun? 
A smile within your eyes,
counting true things like money;
sorcery is so simple.
I only see that now

Will you hide from your wolves?
Will you hide? Will you hide?
Will you hide from your wolves? 
Will you hide? Will you hide?
Your unworthinesses, 
your pets, your tagalongs,
When you tell them you're done with them
they lie down for a while,
like good dogs.

Allow me to take you for granted 
and I'll be a given
They have seen fit to bestow gifts,
let us not question it.
I look to you when I'm 
not feeling worthy 
and you and only you 
untie all my points of pain.
I am unlearning terror -
Empty promiser,
Inflammation of the soul -
Let's have a new fire

Will you hide from your wolves?
Will you hide? Will you hide?

No Night Creature [Your Wolves]

NO FIGHT

I could just be here
But that means no fighting
No fighting what is
No striving for what cannot be
I could just be here
But that means no fighting
No fighting what is
No striving for what cannot be
I could just be here
But that means no more fighting
And I've been fighting since I was small
Fighting moments fighting all
And time just laughs
When you wrestle it
For time is only playing
She just likes to play

For a long time I've been trying
To unknow what I know
I have been trying to ebb against the flow

If there is anything I've learned
It's that it's not about what we deserve
Thought I was just an instrument
Of the universe
Wretched, starved, disillusioned;
The thorny path of your conversion
Instead of taking wing
You became a shadowy thing

Your shoulders bent as though for a load
You should never really have had to bear
A voice was talking to you in your sleep
You make no escape even there

You were all storm warnings and alarms
How much a smile cost you then
Worry only takes from you
Worry gives you nothing new
And breathing up all of your air

I want to kill my fears
I want my fears dead
They're living in my stomach
Living in my head like it's an attic

Started; not sure if I can stop
There's a great drop below me
The height sickens me
Blood floods with an army:
Adrenaline.

For a long time I've been trying to Unknow what I know
I have been trying to ebb against the flow...



NO FIGHT

Lyrics:

Been let in on the nearest darkness
You search within my eyes for lies
She was your lover when you had no one here
She was your outcry
You are written in to my very blood
You are written in to every cell
And if you ever did betray me
It's written in there as well

Ah you are my love
Don't ever you doubt me
Let doubt never shadow your face
Your face... so dear... to me..

I want to know where was my instinct
When your life was crumbled there in your hands
And you hid all of the rubble from me
Sinking in that quicksand
When you're let in on the nearest darkness
And you find that it has tilted your mind
Find me there inside the darkness
With my words I will bind... You to me...

Ah you are my love
Don't ever you doubt me
Let doubt never shadow your face
Your face... So dear... To me...

You went away - 
Her name never mentioned - 
Role was implied... 
Her role was implied..
Her role was implied..
You know your place 
on the brink more and more 
these days these days
It's treacherous but you 
join me anyway.. 
You gave me so many miles,
I gave you miles of my own
You said, "That's how you see me now.."

- Ah you are my love
Don't ever you doubt me
Let doubt never shadow your face

Your face
So dear
To me... 

Let Doubt Never Shadow Your Face

Down the quays
Medicate and sway
We knew well your shadowed face
"Pits for eyes", I'd say
It was a lonely sight, though,
When we found you, 
day after your last night
Down the quays,
Sad wash of rain
down the drain behind you
That's how we find you
And marked and tracked;
Prints on skin of suffering..
Thought I was past feeling 
But my soul set shivering;
a field of reeds, 
My heart a field of reeds.. 
Straight, closed face - 
Surface of a lake - 
Blueness of your fingers, 
Peace in your gaze.. 
You've drunk 
the final dregs of your days, darlin 
The leaves fall and the prayers are said 
The trees empty their hands 
of apples on to the roads 
And in the hull of your life, 
a daughter left 
to shoulder your strife 

DREGS

niamhjmckinney@gmail.com 

We now have some of our tracks available to buy on bandcamp 
https://niamhandstephenmckinney.bandcamp.com/

Niamh McKinney is a singer-songwriter from Wicklow. Having kept notebooks of poetry since childhood, she didn't start writing songs until one day in 2015, when songs suddenly started pouring out. Unsure as to the nature of what she had composed during this first creative burst, a form of validation came a month later when she won the Allingham Songwriting Competition with one of the first songs she wrote.
      Poetically rich - both lyrically and melodically - her heart-rending songs draw on stories and life experience, captivating by way of their ethereal sense of urgency and foreboding.
     Niamh writes her songs a capella. Her musical partner and husband Stephen McKinney (who has previously played guitar and synths with prog rock fusion band Leo Drezden) then crafts evocative guitar accompaniment which interweaves seamlessly with the songs, complementing their haunting quality. The two are currently working on producing their debut album.


Niamh McKinney

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