stuck in purgatory

I've been feeling lonely until I realized being alone felt a lot better than being not alone. I am trying to find special joys in life to experience and view different perspectives as a person with a difficult understanding of those around me.

The truth that I don't speak of often is that I honestly absolutely hate people for some reason, but if that's the case, I don't have the right to love someone.

"If I can't treat everyone with equal love, I have to at least try to not hate anyone." was a mindset I attempted but failed, because I didn't feel like a person, I was just another thing to tolerate.

Anyways this is my gentle venting and I honestly feel embarrassed putting this in my bio. I'm not suicidal or depressed or anything. Don't feel concerned for a person like me.

Update:
I am currently feeling more mentally fortified. I've tried to change my psychology and train of thought for improvement but mostly failed; I think it'll only take a lot of time as well as unique experiences to make a change to the mind.

Update 2:
I found the solution to being/feeling left out. As a person with experience being left out many times, I sometimes gaslight myself and manipulate my own brain, I don't know how but it feels like I almost need no one now. Like being around groups annoys me a lot more than being around myself. The loneliness feels great, greater than ever. Now this might sound the exact same as I said in the beginning, but I was craving attention from friends; conversations that were genuine.(This solution's purpose is to at least partly remove that heart ache, it hurt so badly it was getting annoying)

G59 till the grave
LL$ 🕊️❤️
LLZ🕊️❤️
LLM🕊️❤️

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DIY music from Warrenton, VA

my body is made out of sound and she listens

i’m not a soundcloud rapper, u can find all my music on every other platform under hayds and id much rather if u stream it there then here, i only upload on it here for the people like me who don’t got a spotify premium subscription 

you can contact me on instagram @h.a.y.ds or haydsbuisness@gmail.com

stuck in purgatory

old book