Humor

Story

AI Music

© Copyright 2007, 2015 Peter Lloyd

A stranger as cold as the winter that bore him
Walked up to our church all alone
The long, snow-capped roof, shingles of grey
Old walls and worn steps of stone

Why he stopped only God knows, but he lingered outside
And gazed at the sign on our door
It's hung there forever and there it'll stay
For its few words are hard to ignore

I went out to greet him, a lost soul to save
But he shot me a terrified eye 
"Don't try to save me," he warned, "It's no use
"I'm just looking for a warm place to die"

	No arches of marble, no statues of gold
	Just a home for the hearts of her people
	The sign on the door says "There's room for one more"
	The church with the styrofoam steeple

"Our chapel is humble, but it's warm," I replied
"And you're welcome to rest here a while"
We walked up together as he shivered and coughed
He entered without even a smile

I'd hoped to unburden the stranger that night
As I brought him hot coffee, I said
"If you won't let me help you at least tell me why 
"You think that you're better off dead"

"Maybe you know me," he began, "maybe you don't
"But my name's been all over the news
"I've hobnobbed with kings back in my better days
"When this old church cost less than my shoes

	No arches of marble, no statues of gold
	Just a home for the hearts of her people
	The sign on the door says "There's room for one more"
	The church with the styrofoam steeple

"I've preached in cathedrals under spires of gold
"Looking down on my flock from my throne
"But the uncommon love I bore witness to there
"I'm afraid I never have known

"So would you please oblige me one pure act of love
"Take this pistol and prove that you care
"Agree to this kindness, no strings attached
"Lift my burden of hopeless despair"

"I'll hold the gun with you," I promised the stranger
"If you'll bow your head with me and pray"
But his body had already slumped in my arms
As the gun's report echoed away

	No arches of marble, no statues of gold
	Just a home for the hearts of her people
	The sign on the door says "There's room for one more"
	The church with the styrofoam steeple

Did I pull the trigger? The judge says I did
Powder burns marked both our hands
But the Lord does his work in mysterious ways
And love makes peculiar demands

	No arches of marble, no statues of gold
	Just a home for the hearts of her people
	The sign on the door still says "There's room for one more"
	The church with the styrofoam steeple

The Church with the Styrofoam Steeple

© Copyright 1976 Peter Lloyd

Take me to Louisville, driver, I got the fare
I love a woman livin’ somewhere ‘round there  
I was gonna marry her, but I got up tight 
Watching her dance on a Saturday night
Watching her dance on a Saturday night  

Stole into Louisville A-W-O-L
With two pints of Echo, the whiskey from hell 
Stashed ‘em a Greyhound rental box down there 
When a woman came up with long, curly hair
A woman came up with long, curly hair  

She took a package from the box next to mine
I knew that our futures would soon intertwine 
She told me my birthday and the day I would die 
I saw a spark in the dark of her eye
I saw a spark in the dark of her eye  

Bought her a Pepsi in the station restaurant 
She said, “I’m able to provide what you want 
I’ve got some money, we could travel in style 
You wait right here. I’ll be back in a while
You wait right here. I’ll be back in a while  

I waited one hour and I waited for two
Got sorta nervous wonderin’ what she would do 
Walked ‘round the lobby one more time, then I thought 
If I don’t go, I’ll bound to get caught
If I don’t go, I’ll bound to get caught  

Took out a bottle and decided to go
‘Cross to the burlesque, continuous show 
Found me a seat and settled down for the night 
Guess who I saw steppin’ out in the light
Guess who I saw steppin’ out in the light  

Opened my Echo as she started to dance 
Finished it right when she took off her pants  
Dirty old men in there kept shoutin’ for more 
I stood up to fight, ended up on the floor
I stood up to fight, ended up on the floor  

Police in Louisville took me back to Fort Knox 
Who knows what Greyhound ever did with my box 
Don’t know her number and I don’t know her name 
Might never know, but drive just the same
Might never know, but drive just the same  

And take me to Louisville, driver, I got the fare 
Find me that woman with long, curly hair 
This time I’ll marry her and I won’t lose my mind 
Cuz this time I will leave my Echo behind
This time I will leave my Echo behind
This time I will leave my Echo behind

Leave My Echo Behind

©Copyright 1973, 2015 Peter Lloyd

You can take my shoes, you can drink my soup
I no longer lock my door at night
Here the moon comes up when the sun goes down
And the mountains roll ‘round the thunder clouds
While the river, she winds her way behind

It’s like beautiful, beautiful music
Mellowed in the Appalachian way
Folks come and go, but these mountains kow
That you take a bluegrass tune down to your grave

When Tom Gentry died, I cried and cried
Then one night I heard his voice below the ground
I said, “Oh, Tom, you make such a sweet, bright sound.
Can you tell me, my old partner, what have you found?”
And he sang these words I’m singing to you

It’s like beautiful, beautiful music
Mellowed in the Appalachian way
Folks come and go, but these mountains know
That you take a bluegrass tune down to your grave

When my stories are all told and my bones are cold
And all that’s left is an empty rocking chair
Won’t you wrap me up and carry me down
Cover me over with that sweet, black ground        
And pick a bluegrass tune above my head

It’s like beautiful, beautiful music
Mellowed in the Appalachian way
Folks come and go, but these mountains know
That you take a bluegrass tune down to your grave

Folks come and they go
But these mountains stay right here and they know
That you can take a bluegrass tune down to your grave
Yes, you take them bluegrass tunes down to your grave

Bluegrass Music

© Copyright 2021 Peter Lloyd

I was feelin bout as groomed as Genghis Kahn
When I came across a place called Saul’s Salon
I walked in and said, “I need a haircut, Saul”
He said, “Sit on down, neighbor, and I’ll cut em all!”

He tossed a sheet across me and said, “I’m Bob
“It can get a little hairy, but I love my job”
“I believe you, Bob, but as I recall
“The sign on your window says your name is Saul”

“Well, what is truth,” Bob philosophized
“Is there really any difference tween truth and lies?
“Can you prove that E equals M C squared?
“When the Rapture comes will you be prepared?”

“The thing about it is, Bob, facts are facts
“And what you believe determines how you act”
I said, “There’s only one reality”
That’s when Bob interrupted me

“Everybody’s got their own reality
“I got mine and it’s right for me
“Does it really matter if I’m Bob or Saul
“Long as I answer when you call?”

Lie lie lie lie, lie dee lie
Oh, so sad to see truth die
They twistin it, bendin it, fixin to be endin it
Come on, people, time to start defendin it

I saw no use confronting Bob’s insanity
So I decided to ignore him and watch TV
Looked up on the wall and there on the screen
Was the spookiest creature I’ve ever seen

Her eyes were blazing, what she said, absurd
Though the sound was down, I could read every word
The more I read, the more I realized
What got into Bob was a shitload of lies

I said to Bob “I think I know what’s up with you?
“You been watching too damn much Fox News
“It’s no good for your brain, it’ll sicken your soul
“In the middle of your heart, leave a gaping hole

“Well,” Bob replied, “I got news for you
“Covid’s a hoax and global warming too
“The election was stolen, nine-eleven was staged
“The Clinton’s eat babies, but no babies were caged

“Obama’s from Kenya, and masks don’t work
“Sleepy Joe Biden is a socialist jerk
“The earth is flat and the moon is too
“I know cuz I watch — Fox News”

Lie lie lie lie, lie dee lie
Oh, so sad to see truth die
They twistin it, bendin it, fixin to be endin it
Come on, people, time to start defendin it

Bob’s not a fool, he’s just misinformed 
Like in Orwell’s story, nineteen-eighty-four
Took a little longer but it’s coming true 
And the people behind it — Fox News

No respect for the truth, don’t even know what it means 
Nothing but a clusterfuck of lying machines
First they lie, then you catch em, then they start denyin
If their lips are moving, you know they’re lyin

Lie lie lie lie, lie dee lie
Oh, so sad to see truth die
They twistin it, bendin it, fixin to be endin it
Come on, people, time to start defendin it

Even if you don’t believe the Earth is round
I think we can still find common ground 
Cuz there’s one thing we can never deny
If we hear it on Fox, it’s a goddamn lie

Lie lie lie lie, lie dee lie
Oh, so sad to see truth die
They twistin it, bendin it, fixin to be endin it
Come on, people, time to start defendin it
Come on, people, time to start defendin the truth

Fox News Blues

© Copyright 2020 Peter Lloyd
Melody adapted from "Beautiful Dreamer" by Stephen Foster

No, bladder cancer’s not such a bad fate
Not ‘less you miss it or treat it too late
Urologists spot it, no matter how small
Then go in and scape it right off of the wall

To get to your tumor, they don’t have to cut 
They don’t turn you over and go up your butt
The way to your bladder’s not in through your nose
They go up your schlong with long, rubber hose

Poor little penis takes all the pains
Gives only pleasure and never complains
Poor little penis just longs to be
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee

First they prepare you and put you to sleep
Into a twilight you go, not too deep
Meanwhile your penis takes all of the flak
While you in your twilight, lie flat on your back

Poor little penis takes all the pains
Gives only pleasure and never complains
Poor little penis just longs to be
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee

No, bladder cancer’s not such a bad fate
Not ‘less you miss it or treat it too late
So go see your doctor, and one who’s well known
For treating each penis as if it’s his own

Poor little penis takes all the pains
Gives only pleasure and never complains
Poor little penis just longs to be
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee

Poor Little Penis

Queria hablar español, and so
I wandered my way to Bolivia 
Now from my cell in the heart of La Paz
I pine for my lovely Olivia

Olivia appeared like a long-lost dream
From Heaven she said God had hastened her
“Sip my elixir of love,” she implored 
 My trust then I readily placed in her

We sang to the stars of the southern sky
And sipped sucumbé, tea and lemonade
Danced to the whims of her passion until
Polícia cut short our escapade

O-li-iv-ia, if God sent you down from the sky to me 
O-li-iv-ia, when I asked you your age, why’d you lie to me?    

My sentence may outlive my life, but now
I must not let misery harden me
Locked in La Paz for the rest of my life 
I pray presidente may pardon me

O-li-iv-ia, if God sent you down from the sky to me 
O-li-iv-ia, when I asked you your age, why’d you lie to me?    

My lovely Olivia. Of course, I forgive ya
Olivia, I give ya my love    
Olivia, te doy mi amor    

© Copyright 2025 Peter Lloyd
Music composed with Suno AI

Olivia

Another November I stand with the trees
Their black branches robbed by a mean autumn breeze
I lean on a tall oak, my cheek to her bark
And mourn my companion as the woodland grows dark

Oh, I miss my companion, always more, never less
As the years wrap around me, they embrace my distress
I return to you empty. Speak again what you teach
From the ages inside you round and as wide as my reach

Then the oak speaks for hours and her wisdom I heed
I hear in her silence all the solace I need
"Stay standing, she minds me, "let death do its worst
"Welcome each sunrise as if it's your first"

Yes, another November I stand with the trees
Their black branches robbed by a mean autumn breeze
I must leave you again now with tears on your bark
But I'll come back each autumn till my memory goes dark

© Copyright 2025 Peter Lloyd
Music with Suno AI

Companion

Justine, you make me feel so clean
Justine, you make me feel so clean
You took my love and run it through the washing machine

Justine, I hate to walk with you downtown
Justine, I hate to walk with you downtown
You talk so loud and you're always putting me down

Justine, you make me feel so clean
Justine, you make me feel so clean
You took my love and run it through the washing machine

Justine, you wear your clothes inside out
Justine, you wear your clothes inside out
Your hearts so full of anger and your heads so full of doubt

Justine, you make me feel so clean
Justine, you make me feel so clean
You took my love and run it through the washing machine

Justine, come and get your cigarets
Justine, come and get your cigarets
You left them on the table and I'm trying to forget

Justine, you make me feel so clean
Justine, you make me feel so clean
You took my love and run it through the washing machine

© Copyright 1976, 2000 , 2025Peter Lloyd
Music with Suno AI

Justine

Well, I never climbed a mountain, no, I never even tried
What’s the point of crawlin halfway to the sky? 
When everything I wanna see is somewhere in your eyes
And I never have to ever leave your side 

No, I’ll never solve a mystery or cure a rare disease
My face will never grace Time magazine 
And though I try to please you and keep you trouble free
I can never ever give you guarantees 

But every day I try to make you smile and never cry
Help you soothe your wounds and chase away your blues 
I’ll never get it all right and always come up shy
But I’ll never ever give you alibis 

Oh, there’s so much more I haven’t done and so much more to do
To be the man you hoped that I would be 
But there’ll always be one promise you can count on comin true
I will never, no not ever, not love you 

And every day I try to make you smile and never cry
Help you soothe your wounds and chase away your blues 
I’ll never get it all right and always come up shy
And I’ll never ever give you alibis 

Oh, there’s so much more I haven’t done and so much more to do
To be the man you hoped that I would be 
But there’ll always be one promise you can count on comin true
I will never, no not ever, not love you

No, I’ll never, no not ever, not love you 

Words © Copyright 2014 Peter Lloyd
Music with help from Suno AI

Never

let’s remember Alice Ball, long unrecognized 
found a cure for leprosy, so long ago   
Alice died at twenty-three      
white men called her work their own
I think we all know why
I think we all know why

let us give Charles Drew his due, long unrecognized
taught us how to share our blood, so long ago
volunteered to donate first
white men turned charles drew away
I think we all know why
I think we all know why

where have all the lepers gone?
Alice healed them all
blood banks save so many lives
Charles made it so
why were they not recognized?
jealous white men feared their fame

I think we all know why
I think we all know why

© Copyright 2025
Music with Suno AI

We All Know Why

Come and sit for a spell, I have stories to to tell
I’m sure you have heard one or two
Believe what you like, deny what you don’t
As always, the call’s up to you

You’ve heard of a monster called Yeti
Enormously stinky and sweaty
Beware if you find him
To stay far behind him
He’ll make you a mess of spaghetti

When mother left Remus and Rommy
A she-wolf stepped up as their mommy
She gave them a home
Then they founded Rome
So we could all eat hard salami

When all was a dark, lifeless ocean
Ra breathed and set all things in motion
Now Ra circles Earth
Gives morning its birth
We still cheer “Rah! Rah!” in devotion

Rob Crusoe, he chose not to grovel
Alone in his crude island hovel
While watching for boats
Took copious notes
And thought, “I might star in a novel!”

Please stay right there, don’t go anywhere
More tall tales are coming your way
Some sorta ring true, some beggar belief
But each has a clue to convey

Paul Bunyan stood eight stories tall
Washed his hair in Niagara Falls
Rose higher than trees
When down on his knees
For his bath the Great Lakes were too small

When Eve in her hip birthday suit
Bit into some forbidden fruit
Said she to poo-poo it
“The snake made me do it!”
From Eden God gave her the boot

Moby Dick was a whale with a tail
And a lunatic hot on his trail
Old Ahab his name
Revenge was his game
But Dick’s name and size did prevail

That’s all I’ve got, believe it or not
But I’m sure you will hear many more
Believe what you like, deny what you don’t
Ain’t that what your mind was made for?

© Copyright 2023, 2025 Peter Lloyd
Music by Suno.com AI

Beyond Belief

Words and music © Copyright 1971, 2016 Peter Lloyd

You left your footprints on the doorstep of my heart when you walked out
You caught my finger when you slammed the door
I guess you didn’t hear me when I opened it up to shout
“I guess this means you don’t love me anymore?”
 
You took along all my favorite phonograph records and you don’t own a stereo
I still don’t understand how you’re gonna hear them play
I guess it doesn’t matter. They were all scratched and kind of old
Keep the damn things. I never played them anyway

My darling, how can I forget you with your footprints on my heart
And all my records stole from me besides?
There’s so much I want to say to you, but I don’t know where to start
So I’ll stop

Footprints

Merry Christmas, boys and girls
Come on, sit on Santa’s lap
I’ll tell you story about a toy
And a very bad boy

Well, Mom bought Larry a Starter-Up Steve
The truck that puts kids in the driver’s seat
They punch in a program, and the truck moves slow
At least that’s how the commercial goes

No, Mom didn’t know it, but she’d soon find out
What the darker side of fun was all about
You see, Larry was cuter than a newborn cub 
But he’d sold his soul to Beelzebub

Starter-Up Steve 
Starter-Up Steve    

Mama watched Larry “oo” and “ah” 
Punching Steve’s buttons with his cute li’l paw 
But she got bored and snuck up to the sack 
Now Steve was headed for the end of his track 

The boy hopped Steve like a kangaroo 
Up, back, left, right, and wheelies, too
As Larry kept driving, anyone could tell 
He was setting up Steve for one living hell

Starter-Up Steve 
Starter-Up Steve    

Steve tried to avoid his rendezvous
But he could only do what he was programmed to 
His tires screeched and his motor raced
And he drove right into the fireplace

His plastic chassis went up in flame
Bounced out of the fire on its twisted frame
Then he spun around trailing sparks and soot 
Took a hit on his hood from the kid’s left foot

Starter-Up Steve
Starter-Up Steve    

That mean little devil, he squealed with glee
Chasin’ flamin’ Steve ‘round the Christmas tree 
The tree caught fire with a hefty roar
And the boy followed Steve out the parlor door 

Then the whole damn house went up in smoke 
‘Course Larry took it all as one big joke
No more diapers, no more pins
No more Mommy’s goo-goo grins

Starter-Up Steve 
Starter-Up Steve    

Now Steve, started movin’ at a blindin’ speed
Burning ‘cross the lawn toward the hickory tree
He hit that trunk at a terrible pace
Made a big impression on his plastic face

Larry ran up to his loyal chum
All hot and gooey like chewing gum
Steve’s one good eye rolled back in his head
And the boy cried, “Damn! Stupid Steve is dead.”

Starter-Up Steve 
Starter-Up Steve    

Now mom and dad, it’s time once more
To run on down to your big, box store
Just keep in mind when you’re buyin toys
What happens in the hands of innocent boys

Take your list and check it twice
But before you buy take my advice
No matter what you get for your sweet li’l son
He’s bound to find the darker side of fun

Starter-Up Steve 
Starter-Up Steve

© Copyright 2016 Peter Lloyd

The Darker Side of Fun

Words, music, and performance © Copyright 2017 Peter Lloyd

This song is brought to you by Amerikoch
And now a word from our sponsor

Everything we own must go
So now’s the time for saving
Hurry in to satisfy
Your every need and craving

Back to our song

I’ve been told
The roads of Hell are lined with gold
The rats dress up in pinstripe suits
And tom cats prowl in combat boots

And now a word from our sponsor

Buy yourself a congressperson
Buy one for your cousin
Buy eleven, get one free
They’re cheaper by the dozen

Back to our song

Tell me why
When camels spy the needle’s eye
They turn away, begin to cry
And start to sing a sad goodbye

And now a final word from our sponsor

Buy a slice of Uncle Sam 
Yes, now’s the time to order
Operators standing by
Somewhere beyond the border

That’s our song. See you next time

Welcome to Amerikoch

© Copyright 2018 Peter Lloyd

Dick and Jane were my best friends
When I learned how to read
Played in perfect harmony
Thrived in thought and deed 
But as they grew it happened
No longer did they click
Jane became a better Jane
Dick remained a dick

Jane stands strong and lovely now
Wise beyond her years
Whenever someone needs a hand
It’s Jane who volunteers
Never judges anyone 
Forgives and then forgets
Nothing she holds dearer than
Life without regrets

Dick still loves loud farting sounds
And savors dirty jokes
Drives a two-ton S-U-V
Calls climate change a hoax
Judges women solely by 
The contour of their buns
Nothing he hold dearer than 
His Bible and his guns

See Dick run. Run, Dick, run.
See Jane run. Oh, what fun!

Jane commands respect at work
She lets her people steer
Dick rules with an iron fist
Drives his team with fear
If you had to work with one
I know who you’d pick
Jane became a better Jane
Dick remained a dick

See Dick run. Run, Dick, run.
See Jane run. Oh, what fun!

The moral of this story
Not too hard to find 
The more you try to run ahead
The more you fall behind
If you have a penis
No need to be a prick
Act a little more like Jane
Don’t be such a dick

Act a little more like Jane
Don’t be such a dick

Dick and Jane

Songwriter since 1966. Can't believe I still have to write protest songs. Prefer writing love songs and songs of praise for stand-up women and men, parodies, lyrical nonsense, blues and adaptations.