Commentary

Humor

Parody

© Copyright 2021 Peter Lloyd

I was feelin bout as groomed as Genghis Kahn
When I came across a place called Saul’s Salon
I walked in and said, “I need a haircut, Saul”
He said, “Sit on down, neighbor, and I’ll cut em all!”

He tossed a sheet across me and said, “I’m Bob
“It can get a little hairy, but I love my job”
“I believe you, Bob, but as I recall
“The sign on your window says your name is Saul”

“Well, what is truth,” Bob philosophized
“Is there really any difference tween truth and lies?
“Can you prove that E equals M C squared?
“When the Rapture comes will you be prepared?”

“The thing about it is, Bob, facts are facts
“And what you believe determines how you act”
I said, “There’s only one reality”
That’s when Bob interrupted me

“Everybody’s got their own reality
“I got mine and it’s right for me
“Does it really matter if I’m Bob or Saul
“Long as I answer when you call?”

Lie lie lie lie, lie dee lie
Oh, so sad to see truth die
They twistin it, bendin it, fixin to be endin it
Come on, people, time to start defendin it

I saw no use confronting Bob’s insanity
So I decided to ignore him and watch TV
Looked up on the wall and there on the screen
Was the spookiest creature I’ve ever seen

Her eyes were blazing, what she said, absurd
Though the sound was down, I could read every word
The more I read, the more I realized
What got into Bob was a shitload of lies

I said to Bob “I think I know what’s up with you?
“You been watching too damn much Fox News
“It’s no good for your brain, it’ll sicken your soul
“In the middle of your heart, leave a gaping hole

“Well,” Bob replied, “I got news for you
“Covid’s a hoax and global warming too
“The election was stolen, nine-eleven was staged
“The Clinton’s eat babies, but no babies were caged

“Obama’s from Kenya, and masks don’t work
“Sleepy Joe Biden is a socialist jerk
“The earth is flat and the moon is too
“I know cuz I watch — Fox News”

Lie lie lie lie, lie dee lie
Oh, so sad to see truth die
They twistin it, bendin it, fixin to be endin it
Come on, people, time to start defendin it

Bob’s not a fool, he’s just misinformed 
Like in Orwell’s story, nineteen-eighty-four
Took a little longer but it’s coming true 
And the people behind it — Fox News

No respect for the truth, don’t even know what it means 
Nothing but a clusterfuck of lying machines
First they lie, then you catch em, then they start denyin
If their lips are moving, you know they’re lyin

Lie lie lie lie, lie dee lie
Oh, so sad to see truth die
They twistin it, bendin it, fixin to be endin it
Come on, people, time to start defendin it

Even if you don’t believe the Earth is round
I think we can still find common ground 
Cuz there’s one thing we can never deny
If we hear it on Fox, it’s a goddamn lie

Lie lie lie lie, lie dee lie
Oh, so sad to see truth die
They twistin it, bendin it, fixin to be endin it
Come on, people, time to start defendin it
Come on, people, time to start defendin the truth

Fox News Blues

© Copyright 2020 Peter Lloyd

I’m so damned depressed. I’m white and I’m oppressed
Can’t say what’s on my mind. Last time I did, hell, I got fined
Can’t lead a prayer at school, can’t burn no fossil fuel
Can’t smoke in public places, can’t mock folks to their faces
What's the Constitution for? Who threw freedom out the door?
Can’t use the n-word anymore

 We used to be so great, when we were free to fight and hate
Now what’s the point of life, you can’t even smack your wife?
Just try and quote the Bible, you get sued for slander and libel
Soon they’ll come and take your gun, spoil all your fun
What's the Constitution for? Who threw freedom out the door?
Can’t use the n-word anymore

You can call me whitey, ofay, cracker, honkie, gringo, hick
Redneck, hillbilly, peckerwood... Just don’t call me racist
So why the hell can’t I use faggot, dago, coon, raghead, sissy, spick, pouf, heeb, limey, nancy, mackerel snapper, fairy, frog, wetback, fruit, wop, homo, mick, kike, beaner, dike?
Did I miss any?

If only I could be as brave as great grandpa, he owned slaves
But those days are long forgotten. Now he’d have to pick his own damn cotton
They had a colored maid, used to call a spade a spade
Used to call a queer a fruit, now it’s L-G-B-T-Q
What's the Constitution for? Who threw freedom out the door?
Can’t use the n-word anymore

Can’t use the n-word anymore
But I can sure as hell try
Who wants to hear me?
N- n- n- ni- ni- ni-
Fuck it!

White Man's Lament

© Copyright 2020 Peter Lloyd
Melody adapted from "Beautiful Dreamer" by Stephen Foster

No, bladder cancer’s not such a bad fate
Not ‘less you miss it or treat it too late
Urologists spot it, no matter how small
Then go in and scape it right off of the wall

To get to your tumor, they don’t have to cut 
They don’t turn you over and go up your butt
The way to your bladder’s not in through your nose
They go up your schlong with long, rubber hose

Poor little penis takes all the pains
Gives only pleasure and never complains
Poor little penis just longs to be
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee

First they prepare you and put you to sleep
Into a twilight you go, not too deep
Meanwhile your penis takes all of the flak
While you in your twilight, lie flat on your back

Poor little penis takes all the pains
Gives only pleasure and never complains
Poor little penis just longs to be
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee

No, bladder cancer’s not such a bad fate
Not ‘less you miss it or treat it too late
So go see your doctor, and one who’s well known
For treating each penis as if it’s his own

Poor little penis takes all the pains
Gives only pleasure and never complains
Poor little penis just longs to be
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee
A stout-hearted poker and not a poke-ee

Poor Little Penis

In the leafy crown of Northern Argentina
Like a slow-motion ballerina
She climbs, she cries, “Ah-ee! Ah-ee! Ah-ee! Ah-ee! Ah-ee!”
Her plea penetrates the forest, high and low
“Please wrap your limbs around me, only if you have three toes.”
Not so far away, hanging from a tree limb
He hears her cry. She does not see him
He turns her way, hoping this will be his lucky day

Descending in a flurry as quickly as he can, two hundred yards a day He drags himself across the tangled forest floor
She’s waiting patiently for him to reach her
Sloths come from near, they come from far
He’s pulling hard so he can be the first to climb into her tree. He wins! Out of breath from the race, he reduces his pace
Upside-down, they embrace, coupled, dangling in space
Once again face-to-face, all night long they linger, two as one
Too rapt to move a finger, not until the deed is done

In the dreamy, steamy crown of Northern Argentina
He rests, breathing gently in and out like virtuoso-mellowed concertina Bugs and algae call his coat home, he does not mind them
Harpy eagles hunt and jaguars prowl, they’ll never find him
He sleeps eighteen hours a day. Why on earth would he stray?
He’s got insects to eat, buds and leaves for a treat
So contented that he never has to worry where to be
He feels no need to hurry, not until she cries, “Ah-ee!”

Life would be so sweet, hanging by your feet Just like a three-toed sloth
No, he never has to hurry, not until he hears her plea, “Ah-ee!”

Day In The Life Of A Three-toed Sloth

Words © Copyright 2013 Peter Lloyd

Porn free, I no longer use it 
I choose to refuse it
I’m free. No more porn for me

Porn free, I’ve put sleaze behind me 
No need to remind me
I’m clean. No more porn for me

Porn free, I’ve won back my pride now
My windows are open wide
For I’ve no more to hide

Porn free, no more can it shame me 
I’m proud to proclaim me
At long last porn free! 

Porn free, porn free, porn free

Porn Free

© Copyright 2019 Peter Lloyd
Music and original lyrics by Jay Livingston and Ray Evans

When it comes time to tell a lie
I ask the devil, “Who should I see?”
“Should I ask Satan, Gorgo, or Baal?”
Here’s what he says to me

Call Sarah, Sarah
Trumps favorite fork-tongued shill
Her lies give her such a thrill
Call Sarah, Sarah

When I need brazen, boldface lies
I ask the devil, “Who should it be?”
“Shall I call Cheney, Nixon, or Bush?”
Here’s what he says to me

Call Sarah, Sarah
Trumps favorite fork-tongued shill
She lies like a whale eats krill
Call Sarah, Sarah

When you feel forced to tell a lie
Just ask the devil, “What should I do?”
“Shall I call Judas, Barnum or Cain?”
Here’s what he’ll say to you 

Call Sarah, Sarah
Trumps favorite fork-tongued shill
Spreads lies like an oil spill
Call Sarah, Sarah

Call Sarah Sarah

© Copyright 2020 Peter Lloyd, Jerry Leiber, Mike Stoller

Fee-fee, fie-fie, foe-foe, fum
How can one man be so goddamn dumb?

Donald Trump, Donald Trump
What a chump, That Donald Trump
He's gonna get dumped, just you wait and see

"Why's everybody always pickin on me?"

He opens that pie hole right below his nose
Out come lies like a frickin firehose 

Donald Trump, Donald Trump
What a chump, That Donald Trump
He's gonna get dumped, just you wait and see

"Why's everybody always pickin on me?"

Who's driving us right up a wall?
Who doesn't have a pair of balls?
Who's headed for a nasty fall?

Guess who

"Who me?"

Yes, you!

The world's dumbest man and the US president
In a perfect world, would be two different men

Donald Trump, Donald Trump
What a chump, That Donald Trump
He's gonna get dumped, just you wait and see

"Why's everybody always pickin on me?"

The world's dumbest man and the US president
In a perfect world, would be two different men

Donald Trump, Donald Trump
What a chump, That Donald Trump
He's gonna get dumped, just you wait and see

"Why's everybody always pickin on me?"

Donald Chump

© Copyright 2023 Peter Lloyd, Image by LORRAINE DAY 

remember ex-prez donald j trump
took us all for a nation of chumps
stole top secret docs and done got caught
he tried hard to deny it 
the jury did not buy it
they showed him that he’s not above the law

he’s in the jailhouse now
he’s in the jailhouse now
it comes as no surprise 
he’s outa luck and alibis
he’s in the jailhouse now

back when trump was commander in chief 
he made his goons give us all kinda grief 
we’re lucky they were all so goddamn dumb
under trump's direction 
they failed at insurrection 
we shoulda hung them all up by their thumbs


they’re in the jailhouse now
they’re in the jailhouse now
it comes as no surprise 
they’re outa luck and alibis
they’re in the jailhouse now


ya drank the kool aid and followed a fool
he made ya look like pitiful tools
you turned around and came right back for more
whatever you were drinking
whatever you were thinking
ya got exactly what you bargained for


you’re in the jailhouse now
you’re in the jailhouse now
it comes as no surprise 
you’re outa luck and alibis
you’re in the jailhouse now

Jailhouse Dreams

© Copyright 2015 Harry Warren, Jack Brooks, and Peter Lloyd

In USA where right is wrong
And left is right, we sing this song

When you hear someone say that more guns make us safe
That’s a moron (That’s a moron)
When you hear someone call for a long border wall
That’s a moron  (That’s a moron)

When you hear empty headed fear, empty headed fear
Yes, it just might annoy ya
But you know little do they know, little do they know
And it’s just paranoia

When you hear someone say it’s a choice to be gay
That’s a moron  (That’s a moron)
And when someone attacks every tax with an axe, he’s a scrooge
When you hear someone spit in a spiritual fit, “There’s  a war on!”
I’m afraid that we say here in old USA, that’s a moron

When you hear someone claim that there’s no climate change
That’s a crazy (That’s a crazy)
When you hear from a dude who poo-poos Evolution
That’s a crazy (That’s a crazy)

When you hear empty headed fear, empty headed fear
Yes, it just might annoy ya
But you know little do they know, little do they know
And it’s just paranoia

When you hear someone say all was made in six days
That’s a crazy (That’s a crazy)
When a man wrapped in perks tells you trickle down works, it’s a con
And when somebody claims, “It’s the needy we blame, cuz they’re lazy”
I’m afraid that we say here in old USA, that’s a crazy

That's a Moron

Words and music © Copyright 1971, 2016 Peter Lloyd

You left your footprints on the doorstep of my heart when you walked out
You caught my finger when you slammed the door
I guess you didn’t hear me when I opened it up to shout
“I guess this means you don’t love me anymore?”
 
You took along all my favorite phonograph records and you don’t own a stereo
I still don’t understand how you’re gonna hear them play
I guess it doesn’t matter. They were all scratched and kind of old
Keep the damn things. I never played them anyway

My darling, how can I forget you with your footprints on my heart
And all my records stole from me besides?
There’s so much I want to say to you, but I don’t know where to start
So I’ll stop

Footprints

Merry Christmas, boys and girls
Come on, sit on Santa’s lap
I’ll tell you story about a toy
And a very bad boy

Well, Mom bought Larry a Starter-Up Steve
The truck that puts kids in the driver’s seat
They punch in a program, and the truck moves slow
At least that’s how the commercial goes

No, Mom didn’t know it, but she’d soon find out
What the darker side of fun was all about
You see, Larry was cuter than a newborn cub 
But he’d sold his soul to Beelzebub

Starter-Up Steve 
Starter-Up Steve    

Mama watched Larry “oo” and “ah” 
Punching Steve’s buttons with his cute li’l paw 
But she got bored and snuck up to the sack 
Now Steve was headed for the end of his track 

The boy hopped Steve like a kangaroo 
Up, back, left, right, and wheelies, too
As Larry kept driving, anyone could tell 
He was setting up Steve for one living hell

Starter-Up Steve 
Starter-Up Steve    

Steve tried to avoid his rendezvous
But he could only do what he was programmed to 
His tires screeched and his motor raced
And he drove right into the fireplace

His plastic chassis went up in flame
Bounced out of the fire on its twisted frame
Then he spun around trailing sparks and soot 
Took a hit on his hood from the kid’s left foot

Starter-Up Steve
Starter-Up Steve    

That mean little devil, he squealed with glee
Chasin’ flamin’ Steve ‘round the Christmas tree 
The tree caught fire with a hefty roar
And the boy followed Steve out the parlor door 

Then the whole damn house went up in smoke 
‘Course Larry took it all as one big joke
No more diapers, no more pins
No more Mommy’s goo-goo grins

Starter-Up Steve 
Starter-Up Steve    

Now Steve, started movin’ at a blindin’ speed
Burning ‘cross the lawn toward the hickory tree
He hit that trunk at a terrible pace
Made a big impression on his plastic face

Larry ran up to his loyal chum
All hot and gooey like chewing gum
Steve’s one good eye rolled back in his head
And the boy cried, “Damn! Stupid Steve is dead.”

Starter-Up Steve 
Starter-Up Steve    

Now mom and dad, it’s time once more
To run on down to your big, box store
Just keep in mind when you’re buyin toys
What happens in the hands of innocent boys

Take your list and check it twice
But before you buy take my advice
No matter what you get for your sweet li’l son
He’s bound to find the darker side of fun

Starter-Up Steve 
Starter-Up Steve

© Copyright 2016 Peter Lloyd

The Darker Side of Fun

Words, music, and performance © Copyright 2017 Peter Lloyd

This song is brought to you by Amerikoch
And now a word from our sponsor

Everything we own must go
So now’s the time for saving
Hurry in to satisfy
Your every need and craving

Back to our song

I’ve been told
The roads of Hell are lined with gold
The rats dress up in pinstripe suits
And tom cats prowl in combat boots

And now a word from our sponsor

Buy yourself a congressperson
Buy one for your cousin
Buy eleven, get one free
They’re cheaper by the dozen

Back to our song

Tell me why
When camels spy the needle’s eye
They turn away, begin to cry
And start to sing a sad goodbye

And now a final word from our sponsor

Buy a slice of Uncle Sam 
Yes, now’s the time to order
Operators standing by
Somewhere beyond the border

That’s our song. See you next time

Welcome to Amerikoch

© Copyright 2017 Peter Lloyd

If my president declares it, then it’s true
If my president declares it, then it’s true
Yes, I take him at his word. Even when he sounds absurd
If my president declares it, then it’s true

If my president believes it, so do I
If my president believes it, so do I
You can call my brain a dumpster. I don’t mind, cuz I’m a Trumpster
If my president believes it, so do I

If my president is for it, so am I
If my president is for it, so am I
We don’t care who disadvises. Cuz we welcome freak surprises
If my president is for it, so am I

If my president says do it, then I will
If my president says do it, then I will
We don’t care who might attack. We know Putin’s got our back 
If my president says do it, then I will

If my president says mock ‘em, then I will
If my president says mock ‘em, then will
All you retards, gimps, and fags, fuck your rainbow-colored flag
If my president says mock ‘em, then I will

If my president says grab it, then I will
If my president says grab it, then I will 
I’ll just walk right up and grab it. Even if she wears a habit
If my president says grab it, then I will 

He will always be my hero, though his IQ’s seven-zero
If my president is for it, so am I

Follow The Leader

Songwriter since 1966. Can't believe I still have to write protest songs. Prefer writing love songs and songs of praise for stand-up women and men, parodies, lyrical nonsense, blues and adaptations.