So this Christmas
You wanna get em
Somethin sweet and sentimental

Aren’t you precious
And so thoughtful
So very nice

But lemme pitch you this
Instead of worthless shit
Maybe take the hit
And dip
Into those savings for a little
somethin priceeeeyyyyyyy

Gucci, Rolex, Tiffany
A rare illegal foreign cheese
I’ll buy you shit that’ll make you scream
Make your real life feel like a holiday dream

You want a yacht okay why not
A taxidermied ocelot
Armani, Prada, and Dior
Anything you want, I’ll wrap it up, it’s yours

This Christmas! Gonna spend every DIME
Because the finest gifts are
ONE YOU FIND ON A SHELF

This Christmas! Ain’t wasting my TIME
Tryin to read your mind and make you something myself

(Wailing)
This Christmaaaaaas!

This Christmaaaaaas!

Love on a Shelf

This Christmas
My wishlist
Isn’t so much about the gettin
But the hope that I can give

Saint Nicholas
A gift that
Let’s him know how much we love him
If in fact he ever really even lived

Santa Claus, you are magic, but you also maybe weren’t real
And you slapped that guy
Who maybe shit himself to death, look it up
We didn’t cover it
But he allegedly shit himself to death
Here’s a drawing 

Santa Claus!
You saved the pickle boys
And did a bunch of other stuff
And now you’re bones
But even bones deserve some love
So here’s a song
From me to you
Santa Claus

You… you look like you want to sing?
Do you want to sing?

Thanks Professor for that sweet, sweet song
I was a real sourpuss but now I see that I’m wrong

The holiday season’s not the time for holding grudges
It’s a time for giving gifts and eatin cheese and tasty fudges

I’m ol’ Saint Nick and I’m here to say
I used to be a bishop but I’m bones today

Every year I bring joys and toys to kids
But frankly there’s lots of other things I did


Saint Nicholas saved the pickle boys
Ain’t ya heard? I saved the pickle boys
Sounds absurd n far fetched but you sure as shit can bet
That Saint Nicholas saved the pickle boys

Now what’d I do?
You save the pickle boys
The pickle who?
The pickle boys?
Who killed the butcher too?
Wait did you kill that butcher?

Ladies and gentlemen- recently barreled by a psychotic butcher
But resurrected by the clown prince of Christmas aka ME
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR
THE PICKLE BOYYYYYS

Song For Santa

Well I spent a Sunday shopping with my friend the lion tamer
Even though she snogged me nan
Then we popped into a shop 'n' met a baby named Magellan
Who was very, very tan

Magellan sold us boots and then he turned into a spider
Said that life is but a dream
Then he asked us for our emails
And he sent along an e-vite to his uncle’s (35th) sweet sixteen

Ding dang dong
This is the greatest song your pretty ears have surely ever heard
I drank some wine and fell asleep and when I woke I realized my brilliant brain had dreamt up all the words

Magellan’s uncle was a senator from Gary Indiana
Named Elroy Squirt III
He was confused about his nephew being turnt into a spider
So he asked what had occurred

Tried to reply but got distracted when the lion tamer
Put her tongue in Elroy’s left-most ear
Thank the lord me dear old nan weren’t at the party for this man
Because she’d surely shed a tear

Ding dang dong
This is the greatest love song your pretty ears have surely ever heard
Have you ever been regaled with as romantic of a tale as that of Elroy Squirt III
And the lion tamer and Magellan what a story so compellin'
Even if that spiderboy was far too tan

Elroy Squirt III

Wakin up in the mornin
Drag your ass on outta the bed
Got a little somethin somethin
A-thump a-thumpin up in your head
Your ass is all clammy
Spots poppin up a freaky color of red
Catch yourself in the mirror
Lookin only slightly better than dead

You vomit, brush your teeth
And then you vomit once more
Then drain all of the fluid
From your freshly sprouted sores
Thermometer is tellin you
One hundred and four (THAT'S HOT!)
My dude you’re on your way
To rap-a-tap-a-tappin at death’s door

You got the pox!
Uh oh! Oh no no no
Not sure how best to console ya
But ya got the variola 
And you’ll probably die
But hey
On the bright side
You got a couple new friends
Who will be with you til the end
Count on us 
Scabs n pus

People can go viral 
In a myriad of ways
Unboxing vids, getting kicked in the nuts
Or tweetin shitty takes
But you picked the one that’ll leave you dead in 
Seven to seventeen days
Tis the reason for your lesions
And excruciating pains

You got the pox!
Whoops, yep you do— 
And if you think you’ve had enough then
Just wait til those blisters slough and
Sure you’ll probably die
But hey
On the bright side
You got a couple new friends
Who will be with you til the end
Count on us 
Scabs n pus
Look at us
Scabs n pus

You Got The Pox!

Well there ain’t no better way to
Pass the tick tick tickin of the unrelenting march of time
Then flip flip flippin through a book like me
Why don’t ya crack my achin spine
Ya never know
Whatcha gonna find

You can study astrophysics or ontology,
The migratory paths of albacore,
Can even master twenty languages and still have room
For every detail of the Punic Wars
You’d be surprised
Whatcha can fit in your mind

Go on and jot a couple notes about the Tundra stoat
Or the roamin’ of magnetic poles
Or bout how long it’d take a crusty ol Tyrannosaur
To digest your learned body whole :'(
How bout a chapter on the history of cobalt blue,
Or the spores of the Wattieza tree,
Or how ol’ Frank Hayes won a steeplechase
Back in 1923
You’ll never grow just knowin
Whatcha already know  

Read, please
I beg you to appease
Every single little itchin
Curiosity
Cmon n gimme a leaf

Well you can read so much that you can spout
All hundred fifty four of ol’ Bill’s sonnets off the top of your head
And you can read so much the cowards
Of this world will hunt you down and lock you up til they shoot you dead

In any case
It’s nice to be well-read
(BOOKS)

Read, Please

Ron Weasley (Joey Richter) takes center stage as he sings about how he gets unnoticed.

A Very Potter Senior Year- Sidekick

Hologram Professor Song - Puppet History

Meteorite Song - Puppet History

Prototype Instrument #73 Song - Puppet History Season 6

Horrible Histories - Patchacuti

[With special thanks to DJ Tubbs for the backing vocals.]

It’s lookin' like I've had enough
Tried the best I can but I don’t got the stuff
I got shot by the Chili Pope ):

It’s easy livin' as a french fry
I'm critically acclaimed but now it’s time to die
Frankly, life’s been pretty dope

It’s been a long hard road for a french fries and corn to walk down
Who coulda ever known the road would lead to
You and me and Soup and Goondis
Takin' on the galaxy

I know that life is crazy
But believe me, Maizey
You’ll be fine without me here

I mean I’m just a funny french fries
There’s really no need to cry
Even though I’m so revered

Was livin' lonely in a future state
Traveled back in time and met my foodie mates
Most of them were witch holograms

The story gets a little dense from there
But if you got a brain it’s pretty crystal clear
Here check out this diagram

See a wedding fell into a witch volcano
Then we scrammed and then we landed
On the planet on the plupples, etc.

And now we’re travelin' to the past
To save our friends and kick some ass

I know that things seem kinda shitty
And that the odds aren’t lookin' pretty but
What's the point of quittin' now
 
And I won’t be here to see it
But you bet your ass that I believe that
You’ll still save the day somehow

The end is comin', gonna punch my mortal ticket
If I had a fuckin' bucket then I got a hunch I'd kick it
And I’m sorry for the cursin' but I’m
Feelin worse and worse and I don’t...

I don't wanna die.

I know it might sound crazy
But believe me, Maizey
You’ll be fine without me here

And it’s lookin' like this french fry’s gonna
Take his bow in this Hot Daga
I’m dying now, just so we’re clear

I’ll see ya later pals, I’m outta here

It’s been a treat

I think I see Smeech