Imagine YOU were the Hotstepper. How would YOU like it if you heard everyone saying "Here come the Hotstepper" every single time they saw you?

"Look busy," whispers Daniel in Accounts Payable, shuffling urgently past HR with a folder clutched to his chest. "I just saw the Hotstepper getting out of the lift." You might be London's fanciest Hotstepper by night, but by day you're Martin Pickering, area manager for Bridlington Diagnostics. And you just want to DO YOUR JOB

In this TECHNICAL DIFFICULTY PLAGUED EPISODE, Gav gets his likeness used and abused and it lands a little too close to home for comfort, and Log has news for you about Castles, Wasps, and Printers.

With thanks to absolute unit MIke Orvis for The Bee-Witcher Jingle

Because WHY NOT

495: The Catfisher Becomes The Catfished

You have some nerve showing your face around here after what you did. But since you're here, you might as well stay and listen. In this episode, Joe demystifies the British parliamentary process. Log helps out a mum in need. Steve got too hot in a heatwave.

scale our bluffs

496: Hot Mum Curse Mountain

Everybody likes to say things are "out the wazoo", but nobody ever asks "how's the wazoo". Nobody ever inspects the wazoo to make sure its hard-working chute isn't red raw with all the stuff whizzing out of it. Nobody applies the special clinical wazoo balms the wazoo doctor prescribed, but the poor wazoo didn't have the hands to rub into its own wazoo. But does the wazoo ever complain? No. Says more about you than it does the wazoo if you're askin' for my two pence, which you ain't.

In this episode, Log gambles on amber, Steve admits he's been a weapons engineer for an aerospace contractor this entire time, and Gav addresses some early complaints about Regular Features Honey.

Available here! https://regularfeatures.com/shop/honey-by-regular-features/

please god HELP US

498: Amber Gambler Honey Complaints

You know how submarines are designed to go under the water and do torpedos and pinging and that? Well we've just come up with an idea for a new type of submarine that goes above the water. We can't give you any more details but let's just say it's called a SURmarine, it can carry 140 tactical nuclear warheads, and you CAN'T get it wet.

In this episode of Regular Features, we receive a letter from an underwater-faring surmarine. Log checks in with our old friend Wolf Blitzer. And Joe envisions how each of us would die in a Cluedo-style murder mystery type scenario.

Let's go!

dive dive dive

504: Dat Zinking Feelink

This week the fellas take their much overdue podcasting license test and we wade into the Terf Wars. We're on the good side just in case you were wondering.

£££4Wars

505: Terf Wars: A New Dope

Hey, what else can I tell ya, it's episode 506 of the Reg'lar Features podcast. In this one, Steve's on about legs. Log's on about herons. And Joe's on about the various nicknames given by George W Bush to his closest Colin Powells. 

Get it in ya!

knees up for croin

506: I'm The Boy With Bums In His Hair

Here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door, but where's the people? Church attendance has been in decline for decades. Among people aged between 18 and 24, the incidence of religious affiliation is only 30.7%. If it were to drop below 30%, a special alarm will go off inside the Pope's hat, and he'll take off his hat and there'll be a special golden telephone under there, ringing. He'll pick it up.

"Hello, Pope speaking."

He'll hold his hand over the receiver and mouth the words "it's god" to a cloister of bishops while waving his hand in a shoo-ing motion. The rest is between him and the big guy. That bit's above our paygrade.

In this one, Steve accidentally rents a cape. And Joe takes us to Beak Street, a commercial hub for high-flying bird fashion. Well, what are you waiting for? Listen it up.

"The Forest and the Trees" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/

a thimblesworth!?

509: Beak Wizard

Think of a breakfast meat. Now think of a member of the royal family. You were thinking of Black Pudding Camilla weren't you? No? Oh right, then you must have been thinking about the big man himself, ol' Charlie boy and his beautiful sausage fingers, each one inflated to 240PSI and fit to burst at the knuckles.

Log has done a feature all about what it must be like to be those fingers. Steve's been humming a little song about beans all day. Joe attends, clutching his pearls and screeching uncontrollably.

donate a sausage

528: Would You Like Beans With Those Sausages?

You are in a egg. Oh it is such a big a egg. But you want to be free of a egg. You crack open the tippy-top of a egg. Oh! It is so bright! It is so frightening! Perhap you would prefer to stay in a egg.

But then your eyes adjust to the light of the world that is not a egg. You see three faces. They are lovely faces, all shaped like a egg. One face is called Steve. He says he will tell you the shipping news, and about an indiscretion with his junk in a park. Another face is called Joe. He regales you about yoghurt. What is yoghurt? Is it also from a egg? The final face is called Log. He tells you about his haunted house, Blyth Manor - and that it contains a egg.

A egg! You must leave. You must leave a egg to find out more about all the a eggs around. It is time.

Money for a egg?

540: A egg.

You've heard of good podcasts, now get ready for fast podcasts. 

That's right, in this very special and speedy episode of Regular Features, Joe, Log and Steve will pepper your naked body with a quickfire hail of what science is calling "Actual Micro-Features". 

It's like we are feature Scarfaces, and the features are the bullets, and you are an entire Bolivian drugs cartel bent on revenge. Any smaller, and these features would be a sort of inhalable mist. And that simply wouldn't do, now would it?

Say hello to our little features.

look into microscope

541: A Series of Very Very Tiny Features

This week we return to The Canal Cafe Theatre for a live show! 
Because it's live, we might sound a bit shitter than usual or refer to something we can see on stage. YOU can fix one of those thing by watching the video version on our YouTube channel. WE can fix the other thing by kicking off with the sound guy. 

Listen to the podcast! https://regularfeatures.com/ 
Support the podcast, get a BEE NAME: https://www.patreon.com/regularfeatures

£££4Pimms

544: Live at The Canal Cafe Theatre (again)

Steve, Log, Joe, Matt and Gav present the podcast that's the same every week

506: I'm The Boy With Bums In His Hair

Regular Features

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